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How to Get Over Cheating Print E-mail

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

 

You have found out your husband or wife has been cheating on you or has been having an affair. You navigated to this page because you wish to get over the feelings of anger, pain, depression, anxiety and mistrust due to cheating. Perhaps you wish that your relationship will continue, but you are wondering if you can ever trust your spouse again. Whatever the details of your situation are, from these pages you find support and advice that will help you to get over cheating and to heal your heart.

The brain is truly an amazing device. It is possible to teach the brain to react in certain ways in certain situations, in same fashion as it is possible to teach the body to move in new ways for example while learning to dance, to ride a bike etc. I have a background in neuroscience and I am currently doing brain research in university in my home country. After experiencing cheating in my relationship I became interested in the way the brain and the mind are reacting during tragedies in life such as cheating in a relationship. There are ways to learn to control negative emotions and to get rid of the mental pain and suffering you are now facing due to cheating or an affair. If you wish to read more about this topic and to learn how one can control negative emotions related to the memory of cheating, visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.  

The key thing to remember is this: What you are going through is a normal reaction following cheating. Cheating in a relationship is one of the worst tragedies one can face in life. If you did not feel the way you do after your spouse cheated on you, there would be something wrong with you.

It can be that your spouse is feeling genuinely sorry about cheating and wishes to continue the relationship with you after promising that cheating will never happen again. But even in this situation you cannot feel the same as you felt before towards your spouse. The memory of cheating or an affair keeps coming back to you on daily basis and is causing you strong mental pain, depression and anxiety. You want to know all the details related to the affair and to the Lover, even though hearing about those things hurts you even more.

There are certain phases you must go through after cheating or an affair has occurred. These phases vary depending on whether both you and your spouse have agreed to try to continue the relationship or if you have ended the relationship after cheating took place and you are now simply trying to heal yourself, forget and recover.

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Phase 1: Initial shock after finding out about cheating

This is the stage when you feel completely lost, disoriented and crushed after learning about cheating or an affair. You feel strong anger towards both your cheating spouse and the Lover with whom the cheating took place. You may even become violent towards one or both of them. Your mind is full of horrible thoughts related to the event of cheating or an affair, most of them being a mixture of pain, anger, jealousy, frustration, depression, anxiety and mistrust towards your cheating spouse.

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Phase 2: Attempt to stabilize your life after cheating or an affair

If your cheating spouse has left you after you found out about cheating or if you have left your spouse

You are slowly starting to accept the new course your life is now taking. The feelings related to cheating or an affair such as anger, pain, anxiety and depression are still in you, but since nothing concrete is constantly reminding you of your cheating spouse (he or she is not around on daily basis), recovery will be much faster than if your cheating spouse was constantly around and you would try to make the relationship work again.

If your cheating spouse has stayed with you after cheating took place and you are trying to heal your relationship

You may feel as a winner for a while and may even feel happy that your cheating spouse has "chosen" you and not the Lover with whom the cheating took place. You feel you have gotten over the pain, anxiety, depression and anger since your cheating spouse has (most likely) apologized the betrayal and has promised to be faithful to you and never to cheat again. Deep in your mind you have only wished that you could somehow brush away the memory of cheating or an affair and that your life could be the way it used to be.

It is natural for a human being to wish that things would stay unchanged. The change can be a frightening thing, since it is always a jump to the unknown. You have gotten used to the life with your spouse before cheating took place, part of your identity is to be his or her partner. If you separate your life will change fundamentally. That is a very unpleasant thought. That is why you wish that you could somehow make things work again after cheating took place. For a while you are enjoying the "second honeymoon", a wonderful feeling you get when you think your spouse is not going to go away as a result of cheating or an affair, that your husband or wife CHOSE you, that your life with your spouse will continue despite the cheating and as a consequence there will be no great changes in your life.

What you are not aware of yet is that your life has already changed fundamentally due to cheating or an affair. Your relationship to your cheating spouse will never be the same again. This does not necessarily mean your relationship will be worse, but it will be different. This is something you must accept before you can truly move on with your life, forgive, forget and get over cheating, lying and betrayal.

During this phase your self-confidence slowly starts to return and you start to feel more secure. It helps you to improve your self-esteem if you are taking good care of yourself, both mentally and physically. If you see a healthy person when you look into a mirror, it boosts your self-esteem and reduces the intensity of your painful emotions. Even if you feel you have been neglecting yourself in the past, this is a good time to start to take care of yourself. 

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Phase 3: Second wave of anger after cheating

You only go through this phase if you have decided to stay with your spouse after cheating or an affair and you are trying to make your relationship work again.

After some time has passed and the routine has again stepped in to your relationship, the memories of cheating, lying and betrayal performed by your husband or wife start to come back to you. The memories of cheating or an affair might make you feel an extreme anger towards your cheating spouse at unexpected moments, in the middle of making love, during a romantic dinner etc. The memories of the betrayal, lying and cheating will flatten your feelings towards your husband or wife and create anger, frustration, anxiety and strong mental pain. You are furious because your spouse cheated on you and lied to you. You thought your husband or wife (or girlfriend or boyfriend) is your base rock in this life, the one person you can always trust and who truly cares for you, and now all this has changed forever as a result of cheating. You start to realize you can never go back to the time when you felt unconditional trust towards your spouse. The images of your cheating spouse and the Lover keep coming back to you and are causing you great mental and even physical pain.

During this phase of recovery after cheating or an affair you feel sometimes very happy and sometimes very sad. You are wondering if you can ever fully trust your cheating spouse again. This is the phase during which you are finally starting to realize and accept that your relationship with your spouse will be permanently different from now on. You are starting to accept that you can never return back to the way things were before cheating took place.

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Phase 4: Final adjustment after cheating or an affair

If your relationship has survived until this point after cheating took place, it has good changes of continuing even after the trauma created by the betrayal. During this phase of the recovery, the memory of cheating or an affair is finally starting to sink into the past. If you are still together with your spouse, you are starting to adjust to the way your relationship now is, without longing for the past which can never return. 

If you and your husband or wife survived up to this point without separating, your relationship has good chances of becoming even stronger than it was before cheating took place. But your relationship has also become very fragile and vulnerable should any kind of dishonesty occur. If cheating, lying and betrayal occur again, the process of the recovery takes much longer than it took the first time and in a worst case the recovery, healing and regaining the trust towards your spouse may not be complete. And that is the way it should be: This is the way of the nature to warn you that you should not invest all your trust and love into an individual who is repeatedly letting you down, lying to you and betraying you.

If you wish to learn about the ways to control your emotions and to reduce the pain you are experiencing due to cheating, visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism. To read more about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with a cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. If you wish, you can read more about the content of this website and about my background from page Site Overview or go to other sections by clicking Main Menu links (upper left bar).

 - Maria

 You can contact me by clicking This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it  

 

Comments (27)
  • veronica
    My boyfriend cheated on me with his ex. I have been through the steps 1-3 you describe in your article, but I do not seem to be able to reach step 4... I am feeling strong anger when I remember his lies (he lied for months before finally managed to tell me the truth, which I already knew by then). Sometimes I feel sick when he is touching me... I do not want to feel like this, I want to be happy. I do not know if I will ever get over this... Cheating sucks.

    I just downloaded your book. I want to get rid of this pain and continue my life. Thank you for this site, it is very helpful.
  • Michelle  - nuggets
    :angry-red: Umm cheaters are always cheaters. Good people should just break if off if their loved one cheats on them.

    cheating is lieing
    cheating is being unfaithful
    cheating sucks really bad.

    fuck cheating
  • nicole
    in my heart i don't think so. My man told me the day after it happened. a week later he broke up with me because he felt he'd hurt me to much and he needed to be able to trust himself to never do it again. Right now we seem to be just like we once were, the cheating thoughts behind us, but were still not offically together. I think he just needs time but im just alittle worried that we might not get back together even though we both love one another.
  • Whitley  - I cheated
    :angry: I cheated on my boyfriend last year in 2009 and we now have to 3 month old baby juss because you cheat does not always mean that you will still cheat that is very inmature of you to think that once a cheater always a cheater...
  • marky
    my girlfriend cheated on me 1 yr ago. I have not been able to forget, I feel depressed and frustrated, painful memories keep coming back. I downloaded your book, it has helped me to deal with my emotions. I want to stay with her, I do love her. I wish I can get over this. Thank you maria, reading your articles has helped me a lot.
  • emma
    i have been in a relationship for over three years, my boyfriend slept with his ex 5 months into our relationship, we stayed together although i often felt the negative emotions you mention in phase three, about a month ago he kissed a different ex and i feel completely lost. i love him and want to be with him but i dont know if im strong enough to deal with the heartache all over again
  • Anonymous  - trying to be strong...
    Dear Maria, thank you for this website. I love your articles and I also read your book. Thank you for giving me hope. I am trying to break free from a narcissistic boyfriend...
  • Kaly
    brake up..u will suffer, after a month or less u will be ok! move on..

    do things for yourself, be with friends, start a hobby, work a lot, meet people, avoid common friends, get rid of her things, do fun things!

    soon enough u will feel ok, u wont feel bad forever!
    its always hard to make the step..but its for the best!
    do not waste time...

    and keep on thinking ''this too shall pass''
  • Jamie
    :( I loved my boyfriend so much and...not only has he been drinking very badly behind my back but he cheated on me with one of my friends. I feel like shit and one of my old boyfriends has now come back into my life. Sometimes when I'm with him I feel like I don't need my boyfriend, that I love Leo (my ex boyfriend) way more. I have to admit even thou it sounds wrong but me and Leo flirt a lot, we tell each other perverted things and we make out, but I think I do love Leo more and..I'm thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend because being together with him feels so wrong. I feel so much better with Leo then him..I just hope that the cancer doesn't get bad for my boyfriend, I hope he doesn't die.
  • Anonymous  - Maria- not the writer.. lol
    My boyfriend cheated on me about this time last year. At the time i didn't know that I was pregnant. Eventhough, we have a beautiful son, and we are trying to work things out.. those feelings of hatered and anger rushed back in. It was like when I was pregnant I was too occupied to even care. He has tried to communicate how sorry he was and how much he really loves me. Part of me wants to get back at him and then leave... the other wants to stay. It hurts so much. I keep thinking of him with her, although it was only a one time thing... that doesn't matter. I wished he hurt as much as I do... :angry-red:
  • sheree  - cheating
    My fiancee off 4years cheated on me with my friend it went on for 7 or 8month claims he didnt want to but kinda felt it had to carry on incase she told me!
    personally i dont think this is the case i know he enjoyed every min off it... didnt regret nuthing until he got caught !!
    im in too minds what do do next do i forgive him? or move on with my life we have a baby boy together hes 3 makes it harder.
  • Hannah  - Not exactly cheating but along the same lines
    My boyfriend of three years got really close to one of my friends and claimed it was just a friendship. He broke up with me after two years into the relationship saying he needed, 'space.' I come to find out after three months that he had hooked-up with this girl a few times. What a surprise. But the pain was just too difficult to handle (being alone and without him) so I let him back into my life. It has been a completely different situation since then and I have been treated amazingly, with attention and love. However, I cant seem to get those thoughts out of my head of him and this girl together while we were apart. The worst is when you know the girl in the situation, and you have to deal with the fact that she was a close friend. I can definitely connect with the first three stages but cant seem to make it to four. I just wish, as others have said, to make those memories disappear and those feelings of angery, resentment and doubt to just go away so that we can further our relationship. Thank you for your study and guiding words.
  • Kristi  - cheating devastates
    my boyfriend and i met two years ago through mutual friends and family. he had recently broken up with his girlfriend of three years. about six weeks after we started dating, she realized she was pregnant with his child. we continued to date, but several months later i just didn't feel 'right' about it. they continued to be on and off again. three months after the child was born he left her and confessed to us both that i was his true love and that he wanted to be with me. we live together and he has become my six year old daughter's father as well. recently we were going to court with his ex over custody and he slept with her during one of the visits she insisted on supervising. he quit half way through and told her it was the biggest mistake of his life. he kept it from me for weeks until i tricked him into confessing. we have always been very open so i knew something was wrong. he told me that she played old videos of them when they had been happy and guilt tripped him about leaving his family. now, months later, we are still together and he proves daily that i am the one he loves...i can't seem to stop putting him through hell every day just to have him take it and prove he loves me enough to go through it. hopefully, the pain will eventually start to fade...but i doubt it honestly
  • janet toleman  - getting over cheating
    i made the mistake of cheating on my husband about 8 years ago. It was truly a terrible mistake on my part and when my husband found out he was hurt beyond belief. We decided to stay together as we had a 2 year old and an 8 year old. It was a hard journey back from this event in our lives and took about 5 years for us to get back to ourselves. Before my indiscretion my husband had me on a pedestal but after he simply "Just didn't know what I was capable of if I had cheated like I had" We've since worked this out and although our marriage is different from bc (before cheating) I believe that we've come to a place where we feel comfortable with each other and the trust that I thought was irrevocably shattered has been found again.

    It can be done. You can come back from an affair but both parties have to be willing to work for it. This involves saying and hearing the unpleasant things you and your spouse feel and doing some very seriously thinking as to why the event occurred and how you, as a couple, can work to overcome the issue. My husband and I are in a stronger relationship now because we worked so hard and made the the issue of divorce a nonoption but it was by no means an easy journey.
  • yorkie2  - 29 years together and Husband Cheats
    I'm 66 next week and my husband who is 61 had an affair with a 46 years old woman that lasted 6 months. I was a way for a week and when I got home noticed several signs around the house that something happened while I was away. I confronted my husband and of course he denied everything and lied through his teeth. However, I dug deep and found proof that someone had been there...traced his cell bill and found the name of the person through reverse cell numbers. I also had dates of first phone calls back in July... I held all my info inside until after Christmas then confronted him. Of course he lied several times again but finally admitted to everything and told me all the gory details. He had her to our home several times when I was away besides a secret rendevous place. He told her that he loved his wife and that it was for a thrill....nothing else. She however, fell in love and this is when he decided to end it which about a week before all came out in the open. I feel devasted but at the same time love my husband...he has begged forgiveness and promises it will never happen again.... But I can't get past this...I hurt on a daily basis like I've never hurt before and I had 2 marriages before him... One to a man who fell in love with my babysitter and again to a man who passed away after 10 years of marriage. This hurt is worse then everything else as he is the one who really is my soul mate. I want to get over this and to move on to a better realationship with my husband and he wants the same but I keep getting visions of them in the house and together and I fall apart... How can I make the hurt go away?
  • Anonymous
    Hurray !!!! Yes, leave them - there are better fish in the sea !!!
  • Melody  - Fucked over real bad.
    I was long distance with a guy for 2 years who i was completely faithful. I asked him many times throughout to let me know if he felt like he couldnt handle the situation or if he felt unhappy. He said that he only felt unhappy when i became obsessive and questioned him. Yesterday I contacted one of his ex's because he told me that someone with my e-mail contacted her and he thought it was weird - and he hacked into my e-mail. After speaking to her I found out that they had been together the whole time and were getting engaged. I was lied to for the whole two years..and was pretty much the other person while i waited patiently for him and did everything I could to take care of him. In the end he told me he didn't regret hurting me but did regret what he did to her. I dont know what really to feel or think after this experience or if i even fit the regular mold for these phases to apply. Any comments or advise would be appreciated.
  • Lola  - re: Fucked over real bad.
    Melody wrote:
    I was long distance with a guy for 2 years who i was completely faithful. I asked him many times throughout to let me know if he felt like he couldnt handle the situation or if he felt unhappy. He said that he only felt unhappy when i became obsessive and questioned him. Yesterday I contacted one of his ex's because he told me that someone with my e-mail contacted her and he thought it was weird - and he hacked into my e-mail. After speaking to her I found out that they had been together the whole time and were getting engaged. I was lied to for the whole two years..and was pretty much the other person while i waited patiently for him and did everything I could to take care of him. In the end he told me he didn't regret hurting me but did regret what he did to her. I dont know what really to feel or think after this experience or if i even fit the regular mold for these phases to apply. Any comments or advise would be appreciated.


    Feel sad for the woman with him
  • drew
    :x So.. i am in the military and so is my gf, we are both stationed over seas and have been together for about 6 months. I got sent on a special assignment for about 6 weeks, and we were forced to be apart and communication was tough. We both started to realize how much we cared about one another and how much we needed one another. Being away from her and not enjoying my 6 week assignment was tough. one night we were IM-ing eachother and started bickering, our internet connection got lost, but at the time I thought she had just signed off and stopped talking to me. I flipped out and sent her a text saying "HEY YOU COLD HEARTED B*TCH, F*CK YOU" needless to say this hurt her alot she cried and then got very angry, taking on the attitude of "oh im a bitch huh??? we will see." she then preceded to go out and get wasted hooked up with some guy and then told me about just a few hours after it went down saying she had really f*cked up. After a few days of talking about the name calling and cheating we agreed to put it behind us and continue our "serious" relationship. I however can not get the images of her having sex with another guy out of my brain, it sucks but I still want to be with her and from what she says she still wants to be with me. I always told myself if I was ever cheated on I would never go back but now that it has actually happend and I am still in love with her I am willing to stay together and see if I can get over it! Its actually only been 4 days since this has happend and I wont be back with her for another 3 1/2 to 4 weeks. I hope with time these thoughts will leave but I guess only time will tell.
  • Christina  - Thanx
    I read your story that you have written and I feel that it has helped me help better about me with my husband he cheated on me back in november of 2009 but because of other family tramua and Christmas being right around the corner I felt like I needed to put my feeling last now I find myself all alone I can't talk to my friends nor my family there are some days that I look at him and all I feel is hate but not telling him why I'm all of a sudden mad at him, I love him so much and I want to work this out not just for us but our two children as well, I also find myself going out to the store "like chapters" and all of a sudden I start to cry, I read that it was very hard for you and your man to fix what happen between you both and I understand that its going to take some time for us as well I just didn't think that the hurt would be this much and last this long and the maddness the angur, it can be so overwhelming,... Thank You... For writting your story And I hope that you and your man live a strong happy and loving life together...
  • Gabbie  - Cheating
    :( Ive been dating this guy for almost 4 years now, about a year ago I found out he cheated on me with my ex bestfriend, I foud out from her because he kept denying it even when I had proof. I ask him why he did it && he just says it was a stupid decison. Well about 3-4 months ago I cheated on him with his bestfriend. I eventually told him he was very hurt but the only reason I did it was to get back at him. I was going to leave him for the other guy bit I couldn't I really do love my boyfriend but ever since I told him what happend with me and his ex bestfriend what he did is haunting me again && it won't go away! I just can't get over it it feels like I found out yesterday. I don't know all the details because when I talk aiut what he did he gets very angry && changes the subject. I have been trying SO hard to just move on but I can't. He was my first everything so it makes me kinda hard. I keep hearing different stories from my ex bestfriend && when I confront him about it he says it never happend. I don't know who to believe but I just wish this madness would end!!
  • Anonymous
    it did happen i'm sure. your ex girlfriend isn't gaining anything by telling you those stories. so why would she be lying? :angry-red:
  • Xena  - It sucks.
    I have been with my boyfriend since 2006 and believed we were both very much in love. Last week he went on hoilday with his friend and cheated on me with a girl he met in the bar. He lied at first and then i found out for definate from a girl who was also there. He then admitted it. I have never been so shocked, I never expected this from HIM. He is usually so focussed and level headed. I have agreed to work on things but I keep getting pangs of anger and saddness. I am not jealous but sad and shocked more than anything. Im not sure I will trust anybody else again. This has completely crushed me.
  • Lisa
    Maria, thank you for this website, it has helped me so much. My boyfriend cheated on me and I am trying to get over it, but it has been so hard, I keep thinking of him with HER... I downloaded your book, it has helped me to deal with my anger and anxiety. I now feel there is some hope. Thank you!
  • Anonymous
    My boyfriend of three years was cheating on me for the whole first and second year we wre together. i have slowly managed to unravel most of the truth. But sadly i am left to wonder if i know everything. and like it you mention i doubt things will ever be the same. he broke my heart so bad i can barely even think about the fact he ecsist on the planet still.
  • Philip
    On the weekend I cheated on my girlfriend.

    I had been single for over 2 years and have recently been seeing an amazing woman that I want to spend my life with and have put everyhing in jeopardy. I feel depressed and sick, unable to be happy like before and I'm not sure how long this feeling will last. I really don't know why I did it because I'm head over heels for the woman I'm seeing and still cannot figure out why I did it. Horrible mistake, saying sorry can't fix it.

    There are many people out there who do things for different reasons, out of sadness or unhappiness or what not, but I cannot fathom why I did it. I feel sick and empty beyond belief.

    I have decided not to tell her as this is completely my fault and I must deal with it alone. I don't think its fair to tell someone to get if off your chest. I want her to remain happy even if i feel dead inside.

    I'm sure most people would say i'm a coward or some shit like that but I'm not going to ruin two lives, when one is already damaged thouroughly. I'm not looking for forgiveness, i'm looking for the happiness I had to return to me so i can join her too, instead of feeling shitty all the time.

    I'm struggling everyday for that happiness to return, I can just hope it does comeback.

    I often read how hurt the person who got cheated on feels, but never how the cheater feels. Remoseful does not begin to explain the sadness that I feel. When were together, I often feel like shit because of what she dosen't know... the truth, but I don't want to burden her with this.

    I take full and absolute responsibility, and can only hope that the 'in-love' feeling will once again come back. Its hard to explain why I cheated, things are going so well. Because she is so great its far worse than I could have ever thought.

    I can't sleep, not becasue of fear that i'd get caught, but more like a sick feeling and an empty heart that was once so full of love. I should have my fucking head examined for being so stupid. I hope putting my feelings out here maybe i can get some closure and work my way back. I'd take any suggestions, given that they aren't the stupid, knee-jerk "break-up with her", because I don't want to. I want to fix me inside, fix my stupid excuse of a brain.

    Its like an emptypit that won't go away, you laugh and smile and make jokes, but inside your not happy at all, just sad that this happened and its very tough to shake.

    So when you hear of people cheating on someone, just take a second to understand that it hurts everyone involved, even the one who cheats.

    I'm sorry heather. I wish to god I hadn't. I don't even know how to get back but I'd do anything to be in the place again.

    Its a horrible mistake and I wish every hour of everyday that I hadn't done it. Its not worth it by anymeans.

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