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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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Learning to Control Your Emotions

You have navigated to these pages because you are dealing with narcissism or cheating in your relationship. You are going through all sorts of negative emotions due to problems related to your spouse. Some of the emotions you are experiencing may include:

• Anger
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Humiliation
• Severe mental pain

The most important thing for you to do right now is to get rid of the mental pain caused by the memory of cheating or unhappy events related to your narcissistic spouse. After that you can decide what you wish to do with your relationship. You may wish to stay with your husband or wife or you may wish to go your separate ways. Whatever you decide to do it is best that you make your decision with a clear mind and not when your thoughts are clouded by pain, depression, anxiety, anger and frustration.

The aim of the book Healing After Cheating - Learn to Control Your Emotions (to learn more about the book, see the review article at the end of this page) is to speed up the recovery process after mental tragedies such as cheating or living with a narcissistic spouse. The goal is to give scientific insights regarding the mental pain and to introduce ways to help the mind and the brain to heal faster.

The book includes practical tips and information regarding what one can do to speed up the mental recovery after experiencing emotional trauma such as cheating or mental abuse performed by a narcissistic spouse. I also recommend you to read this article, the brain training exercises described here will further aid the recovery process: Training the Brain.

Getting rid of the mental pain

Imagine if there was a button you could push to make your painful feelings go away. Most people who are in a relationship with a narcissist or who are dealing with emotional pain due to cheating and betrayal would not hesitate to push that button. Unfortunately there is no such button, but there are other methods to get over the emotional pain.

It is crucial to understand the actual source of the pain. When you are walking on the street, no one is aware of the pain in your mind. Your friends are aware of it because you may have told them, but they cannot personally experience your pain. You are the only one who is fully aware of your pain. In other words, the pain only exists in your mind, it is the product of certain kind of activity in the neuronal networks in your brain. Once you understand this, you are one step closer to getting rid of the pain. The aim of the book Healing After Cheating - Learn to Control Your Emotions (see the review article at the end of this page) is to help you to learn to control negative feelings and to get rid of the emotional pain you are now experiencing.

Teaching your mind to let go of the pain

If you understand the biological and psychological basis of the negative emotions, you can learn to control them and hence get rid of the emotional pain. If you are in the middle of the emotional storm, before you are capable of functioning logically you need to calm the storm down. You cannot function properly while you are going through an emotional turmoil. One of the aims of this book is to teach you to calm your mind and to shut down the emotional pain so that you can see your situation more clearly. The goal is to teach you to get rid of the pain, so that you can make the necessary decisions with a clear mind. In order to get mentally over cheating or a narcissistic spouse one needs to regain the mental balance and peace of mind. Only then one will be strong enough to break free from a relationship with a narcissist and walk away without looking back.

Understanding the behavior of your spouse

This book will help you to understand why a narcissist or a cheater is behaving in a certain way. When you understand the real reasons for your own behavior and for the behavior of your spouse, it will be easier for you to deal with the situation. This book will help you to recognize certain behavioral patterns and teach you how to deal with them. If you are dealing with a narcissist and wish to leave, this book will help you to end the relationship. If you are forced to stay in your relationship, this book will help you to learn how to co-exist with a narcissist. If you are dealing with cheating in your relationship, this book will help you to get over your negative feelings related to the memory of cheating and helps you to understand the reasons why your spouse cheated on you.

In the end of the book you find section "Survival Package after cheating" with instructions of what you can do to ease the immediate pain after finding out about cheating or betrayal. The book is easy to read and emphasis is on practicality. You can start the recovery process right now by downloading the book. Tomorrow you will have a whole new view of your situation and a clear idea of what to do to help yourself to get better as soon as possible.

Feedback from some of the readers

"I just want to let you know that this is the best $20.00 I've ever spent. Suddenly everything makes sense to me now. I have been trying to figure it all out since 2008 when I first discovered what was to be the tip of the iceberg. I'll spare you all the details, but it's everything that was mentioned in your e-book and more. Reading this has allowed me to detach for the first time from all the pain, sorrow, and depression I have not been able to shake off despite seeking professional help."

"I am in the Stage 3 of dealing with the cheating and this is definitely a rough one. I have to say that reading that page is actually what convinced me to buy your book. You really nailed it."

"I just downloaded this book yesterday and I am over halfway through it and just felt the need to stop and email you to thank you, so far I am enjoying this, it applies to my life and is already making me feel better realizing the problem is NOT me, but my narcissist husband. I have never been in this mindset of thinking and it seems to all be making sense. I am excited about finishing this book but just wanted to take a minute to thank you."

"Your book was really good, it validated the feelings I was having as normal feelings that a normal person would have in response to an abnormal person's lies and behavior."

"Reading your book has helped me to understand what has happened to me and to move on with my life. Thank you."

To find out more about the book, see the review article at the end of this page. To download the book, please read instructions below.

___________

Download instructions

BOOK REVIEW

In addition to getting over cheating or an affair, mind control methods described here can be used to teach the brain to cope with the stress and depression caused by a relationship with a narcissist. In order to heal you must learn to let go of the negative memories. Controlling your emotions will help you to see your situation objectively. The aim of this book is to help you to get rid of the emotional pain you are now experiencing and to regain your happiness and mental balance.

___________

You have navigated to these pages because you are experiencing negative emotions related to narcissism, cheating or an affair. Your husband or wife may have left you after cheating or an affair occurred, you may have left your spouse after you found out about cheating or you may have made the decision to try to save your relationship after cheating took place but you are having hard time forgetting the memory of cheating. You may feel extreme anger and pain when you think about the matters related to cheating or an affair. Painful memories may come to your mind at unexpected times, causing you emotional suffering, anxiety, depression and sadness.

There is a biological basis for your painful emotions related to narcissism, cheating and other tragedies in life. If you understand why you feel the way you do it will be easier for you to control your emotions and get over the pain. If you wish to learn more about this topic please read article How to Control Negative Emotions.

The Amazing Brain - How to Suppress the Pain

I know exactly what you are going through right now. I experienced the same emotional pain when I found out my spouse had been cheating and lying to me. I am currently doing brain research in university in my home country. I became interested in the mechanisms of the mind and the brain which are responsible of the feelings of depression, anxiety and sadness related to tragedies in life such as cheating or living with a narcissistic spouse.

Think of the pain from an evolutionary point of view. If you accidentally place your hand on a hot stove, you feel the pain. The pain serves as a biological warning mechanism, informing you that something in your environment is harmful for you. The pain is forcing you to act: You quickly remove your hand from the stove. Mental pain also serves as a warning mechanism. For example, you feel the pain after finding out about cheating because one of the basic elements in your life has changed: You thought you could trust your spouse fully but that turned out to be a false belief. You cannot continue your life as if nothing has happened. The pain you feel forces you to act: You will either try to stay together with your spouse, regain the trust and mend the relationship or you will leave your spouse (you remove the element that is causing your pain).

Human brain is more flexible than one would think. We have the power to influence the way our brain is working in certain situations, in same fashion as it is possible to teach the brain for example to get rid of various phobias, such as the fear of rats or snakes etc. A good example of the mind control is the ability to block the sensation of physical pain from entering the brain. In same fashion one can learn to suppress the mental pain related to the emotional withdrawal symptoms after ending the relationship with a narcissistic partner or to suppress the pain related to the memory of mental abuse, cheating or betrayal. We do not have to go with the flow, we can control the way we feel and the way our life will evolve.

There is a physiological basis for the mechanism of the voluntary control of the brain and the mind. It is possible to teach the muscles in our body to move in new ways while learning to ride a bicycle, to dance etc. In same fashion it is possible to "train" the brain to react in certain ways in certain situations. It takes time for the brain to change, for better or worse. Your behavior will determine how fast or slowly you will recover after cheating or stressful relationship with a narcissist.

If you dwell on negative memories related to cheating and try to drown your grief into alcohol or isolate yourself from the world, you can be sure that the neuronal networks in your brain related to negative thoughts will be strengthened and your recovery will take longer. But if you decide to "force" your brain to adapt different kind of approach by using simple mental and physical exercises you can significantly speed up your recovery and learn to deal with negative emotions related to the memory of cheating or an affair. To understand better what I mean by training the brain to adapt different kind of approaches in certain situations, visit page How to Control Negative Emotions.

The most important thing for you to do right now is to get rid of the mental pain caused by the memory of cheating or unhappy events related to your narcissistic spouse. After that you can decide what you wish to do with your life. You may wish to stay with your husband or wife or you may wish to go your separate ways. Whatever you decide it is best that you make your decision with a clear mind, not when your thoughts are clouded by pain, depression, anxiety, anger and frustration.

___________

Survival Package after Cheating or Mental Abuse

The aim of this book is to speed up the recovery process after mental tragedies such as cheating or living with a narcissistic partner. My goal is to give factual scientific insights regarding the mental pain and to introduce ways to help the mind and the brain to heal faster. The book includes practical tips and information regarding what one can do to speed up the recovery.

The most important thing for you to do right now is not to let the actions of your husband or wife influence the quality of your life any more than they already have. The aim of this book is to help you to get over the feelings of anger, depression, anxiety and sadness and gain control of your emotions. When this has been achieved you can decide what you wish to do with your life and with your relationship. If your husband or wife has left you and is not willing to continue the relationship, this book will help you to get over your grief and move on with your life.

If you wish to read the book you find download instructions in the beginning of this page (book is in pdf format which makes it convenient to read). In the end of the book you find section "Survival Package After Cheating" with instructions of what you can do to ease the pain after you found out about cheating or betrayal. The book is easy to read and emphasis is on practicality. You can start the recovery process right now by downloading the book. Tomorrow you will have a whole new view of your situation and a clear idea of what to do to help yourself to get better as soon as possible.

The download fee for the book is 20 USD. You will receive your copy of the book within 24 hours after making the download payment. Payments are processed through a secure Paypal payment service. Payment can be made either with your existing Paypal account or with all major credit cards or via bank transfer (if this service is available in your country). If you are not familiar with Paypal and wish to know more about the service, visit www.paypal.com. For more details of the download process of the book, please read the download instructions below.

In addition to getting help for your own situation, by downloading this book you are helping me to maintain and further develop this website so that more people can find help from here. If you wish to participate in the development of this website for example by producing content to be published, please feel free to contact me by email. I would be happy to hear from you and get your feedback regarding the book and this website.

- Maria

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Personal advice and feedback

Please familiarize yourself with the book Learn to Control Your Emotions (see previous chapters for more details). After reading the book please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it and describe your current situation. Tell me if you have been through some of the emotional phases described in the book. I will give you my feedback regarding your situation. You are not alone. Together we will get you through this difficult phase in your life. Please do not hesitate to write.

___________

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Comments (223)

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• |2012-05-07 19:20:48 Done being manipulated  - Dear annonymous
  Thank you - that really means a lot that someone can use a song to find even one brief moment of strenght in this situation. After I posted it I realized that I am just angry and my post reflects that. My situation was a head on collision this weekend and I need help. He verbally abused me constantly and threatened to blackmail me and destroy my entire life and in exchange he wanted me to give him a blow job (to demean and degrade me). I refused. These are just bits of the story as I am not one to open up yet.
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• |2012-05-06 17:46:53 Bman  - A Question
  Am I in a narcissistic relationship? I have been coming back to the same woman for the past 7 years. She may leave me for a few months at a time when I refuse to put up with the lies and stop helping her but she always comes back and makes me feel like I am the only one. We were married for a couple years until one day she just left. Eventually she got in trouble and came back. She is a compulsive liar and has cheated on me more times than I can count. Anytime she does anything that hurts me she manages to make me feel like it was my fault. When I have been away from her for any short period of time it is easy to see that she doesn't love me and has never loved anyone even her family, but when she knows I realize she doesn't love me she makes me feel special. She just stays with whoever can help her do what she wants to do at the time. When whoever becomes useless to her she moves on. My friends and family think I am crazy for putting up with her but when times are good they are so good. I can't stand to be without her even though I am miserable. What should I do? Is she Narcissistic?
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• |2012-05-07 07:05:48 Anonymous  -  Bman - A Question
  Bman,run away from her as fast as you can. Yes she most likely is a narc with BPD on top of that. I married her sister because my ex is the same, all except the physically coming back. I made sure from the end of the marriage she could not come back. Even after 2 years now I am still feel the effects of her abusive methods. I thought I was a tough SOB and no one could do what she did...I was very wrong. Bman it is not going to get better and don't look at her a think the good times are real...soory guy its all a put on to get what they want. That person you see when times are good is the person you love. That person doesn't exist. Make yourself a rule of no contact with her Bman and stick to it. You and I deserve much better. We deserve to be in a happy loving relationship not like the BS our narc spouses pile on us. So run Bman and don't look back.
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• |2012-05-08 12:07:54 Simone  - Don't look back Bman
  The times that she is nice to you is another means of manipultation and a way to keep you trapped in her methods.
  
  You said it yourself, when people stop giving her what she wants then she moves on to the next VICTIM.
  
  She knows that you will put up with her cheating and her bad treatment. She goes to others that will not put up with it and then she comes back to you because she knows that she has hurt you and PUNISHED you and you wiil do what she wants.
  
  There are so many unhappy men out there as well because they put up with women like this. I see it all the time. It is sad because I cannot believe some women do this and get away with it because they can hide behind their gender. I am a woman who is saying this too!!!
  
  You said that you are miserable. She is not making you happy. It is not untill you TOTALLY cutt all ties and do not enable her to have access to you as a victim.
  
  YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED AN EMOTIONAL HOLOCOST. End it now. You can do it.. Do it before you hate women altogether and there is limitations on you to find happiness. There are a lot of wome out there who are looking for a man that will not treat them poorly.
  
  Get some counselling and talk it out with someone. It is a cycle of grief that you initially go through that is the part where you think that you miss them. After you get through that you realise that it was not the case.
  
  You are digging your own grave of unhappiness. I know that what I am saying does not make a lot of sense to you now and it may seem harsh but I am talking from someone from the other side.
  
  I agree you need to run and not look back. Ask yourself what needs to happen for you to realise that "Self matters"?
  
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• |2012-05-05 04:36:19 Anonymous  - Done being manipulated - This helps me and gives
  You made my day with those lyrics, I love them!!!! Oh how I have waited for a little snipit like that to come along....Thank you it does help!
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• |2012-04-30 03:18:57 Done being manipulated  - This helps me and gives me power when I hurt
  I feel I should share the song that give me strength. Short time ago, I put two and two together and realized the cheating bastard was a narcissist. He destroyed me for two years and thing song slapped me straight in the face – “it is his song”!!! I dance around signing it loudly!!! The words …. The words are everything!!! (my favorite line is "Your time has come you can go!" LOVE IT!!).
  
  We have no choice because we are strong and deserve better – RIGHT!!!
  
  You’re a lie by Slash and featuring Miles Kennedy and the Conspirators
  
  written by Saul Hudson & Myles Kennedy
  
  You are the voice of reason that I can't escape…
  Cut me down a thousand times a day…
  I don't need you anymore
  I don't need you anymore
  I trusted you when there was no one else..
  All you did was make me doubt myself…
  Don't believe you anymore
  Don't believe you anymore
  You bled me out, you tore me down Your time has come, you can go
  'cause you're a lie Lie!
  All my faith's been wasted, wasted 'cause you're a lie Lie!
  I don't need you to save me anymore
  I'm fragile but I'm not a fool
  I won't hear another word from you
  You won't hurt me anymore
  You won't hurt me anymore
  The hand I held just held me down..
  It took so long now I know
  'cause you're a lie Lie!
  All my faith's been wasted, wasted
  'cause you're a lie Lie!
  I won't sit here and take this anymore
  You can say anything that you wanna say
  But my intention's long gone and turned away
  You're such a lie, you were only the enemy
  Everything you are I will deny
  'cause you're a lie Lie!
  I'll just come out and say it, say it
  'cause you're a lie Lie!
  All my faith's been wasted, wasted
  'cause you're a lie Liar!
  I don't need you to save me anymore
  I don't need you to save me anymore
  I don't need you to save me anymore
  
  I could not wait for it to come out on itunes - I flippin' love it! Thank you Miles!
  
  
  
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• |2012-04-30 02:46:22 Rhonda  - help
  What do you do when your first husband had an affair not once but twice, and now I am married to a man that cheated on his first wife and now has cheated on me after 8 years of marriage and 4 kids. I don't feel I Will ever trust again because it has happened to me in both my marriages. But I have 4 beautiful children that I cannot afford to raise on my own. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to get over this pain? My husband wants to work things out, as well as I, but it is hell every time he is around. I feel I have gone absolutely INSANE. PLEASE give me some advice.
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• |2012-04-26 23:01:13 Simone  - He cheated on her too
  I went through the phone of my Narc and discovered messages that were of an abusive nature. He was calling this woman all sorts of things because she had decided to go home. He was accussing her of cheating ect.. It was from these messages that I discovered that he had been with this woman the same time that he had been with me. I was horrified and on may occassions I confronted him and said I just want you to tell me the truth.
  
  He would say things like "You have no idea what is going on".
  
  He was horrified when I walked into his room where he was lying on the bed and I said to him I know everything. I left and he got up quickly from the bed and was trying to justify himself. Saying to me that " I told you about the other women".
  
  I got home and called this other woman. I told her what had been going on and she initially told me that he had got abusive towards her for going home to feed her animals. I told her what he did to me. She said that she was too old for this crap.
  
  He must have called her and spun hers some crap. She called back and started having a go at me. Saying why di you tell him that I was cheating on him. Funny thing is I never said anything to him. She threatened me as well. This was the end of it for me. Not only had he cheated on me numerous times, taken money off me, abused me, threatened me. He now had some other person threatening the mother of his child and the home where is child is.
  
  She would not accept that for the entire 5 months that he was cheating on her. I figured that their whole relationship was a lie and she no matter what sort of warning that I gave her was in total dennial as to what this man was like. He is a lot younger than her by about 8 years and I would have thought from expereince that she would have known better.
  
  I realised that he is not going to treat her better. She may at this point think what a wonderful guy that he is but she has not known him as long as I have and in time she will cop what I did or worse.
  
  Even tho I know all this I am still convinced that he treats her better and loves her more. He started looking around when I protested how he treated me and I withdrew from him.
  
  The last text that he sent me was "I hope that you have the worst life ever" and "I am glad that you are finally out of my life".
  
  Can anyone help me interepret all this I know what I think I am just no feeling what I think and it is annoying me.
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• |2012-04-25 02:49:48  - Sim - When does it get better??
  I understand exactly how you feel on the surface everything seems fine , but inside the hurt and pain is deep and its there day after day. I have recovered from other events in my life and each took time, but this is different or so it seems. All of the typical methods do not have any effect, the pain is still there. It is like my entire emotional system has shut down or over loaded and no longer works. I have no desire to be with another woman, yet I know somewhere deep inside a loving person still exists. I hope some day the flame will burn much brighter.
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• |2012-04-25 01:34:28 Sim  - When does it get better??
  My ex and I were together for four years in that time he cheated on me four times that I know of. I found out that in the end he was with someone else for five months. We have a son together.
  
  What gets me is he was in prison for two and a half years. Our son was born while he was in there. I was alone and copped his phone calls of abuse for money. He blames me for him being incarcerated as when he was off with another woman while I was pregnant. He got her to disconnect my phone, egg my house, call my parents and constently threaten me. I called to police as he was on bail and they arrested him and he went to jail.
  
  He admitted that he blamed me for that and that he said that it was all my fault and that he strung me along for two years to make me pay for what I had done.
  
  He is out of our life. People say how great that it is and that I will be so much happier, but I am sitting her dealing with our son with no help , no finances, while he has a new supportive partner and I am not even able to look in the direction of another guy from what he has done.
  
  I ask myself how can he have the support and happiness while I am damaged?? I am trying to get better, but the things that I am doing are superficial and do not help the hurt deep under.
  
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• |2012-04-23 11:59:40 Anonymous  - How?
  Its has been almost 2 years now since I broke free from my narc wife. Life has been better but not as happy as I had been before I met her. The feelings I have today are no feelings at all, I feel as if I have flat lined in that emotion. My mind continues to play old tapes over and over until I reach a point I wish I could erase everything from my memory. I have read books on recovery,gone to web site after web site looking for answers and still my heart bleeds from my 13 year relationship with a narc.It bleeds not because of love for her but from damage done by her. If anyone else out there has had the same problem after freeing themselves from their narc only to find themselves still feeling the effects after more than a year, let me know how you were able to just let it all go. I have read about recovery on this site,bought so many books I have lost count, I would love to get other ideas....thanks
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• |2012-04-10 20:09:28 hurt soul
  i been with my wife for almost 10 years and have 2 kids I first caught heer lying about her whereabouts a few years back and I was never able to fully trust her from that point but my worst fears came true because I found out she was having an affair because she said she was unhappy and it hurts like hell and I dont know what to do day to day
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• |2012-05-09 05:44:56 Time Doesn't Heal All Wounds
  I know exactly what you're going through right now. I just celebrated our 6 year anniversary with my husband yesterday and it was probably the worst anniversary in the history of anniversaries. Not to say we didn't have a good time. He had to work all day - he's a drill sergeant in the Army - and came home at 5:30; had some really nice dinner reservations, brought home 5 bouquets of flowers and gave me perfume and candles....
  
  But last year in July when I was 8 months pregnant with our son I found out he was having an affair which started right about the same time as our anniversary last year. I think the reason it made it about 100x worse for me was the fact that I was pregnant and I had gone through 5 years of infertility treatments, shots, pills, exams, surgeries, etc to get pregnant and this is how he repaid me... I found out he's been "trying" to cheat on me since Dec 2010 when he was sending his photos to women and telling him that he was single and looking for a good time... what was I? A nightmare????
  
  Because I didn't leave he said he thought it was ok when I found out in February he was once again writing to women, lying about his age and trying to get them to sleep with him. This time we went to marriage counseling where he tried to get the doctor to be sympathetic to him. She suggested he had TBI (traumatic brain injury) from being hit by IEDs while we were in Afghanistan and Iraq.... nice try.... he doesn't have TBI... but I was SO pissed she was taking his side.
  
  Regardless; I can't get over or get past what he did so today I sit here and wonder why am I still here? We went out for an anniversary dinner; the first time he has taken me out in 8 months (since our son was born) without the baby that we didn't know what to do. You know that awkward silence and forced conversation during a blind date???? That's exactly what it felt like. The "love" seems to be gone out of our relationship and I'm scared for our marriage and also for the life our son may or may not end up knowing because of a possible failure in our marriage.
  
  But for your situation - you have to think about what is best for you. Don't stay because of the children (I have to tell myself this also) but stay because you truly want to be together and because it's what makes you happy. I hope you can find happiness in your life and know what to do and what is best for you! Take care of yourself and know there are people out there that do care!
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