The brain is an amazing device. It is possible to teach the brain to work in new ways, in same fashion as it is possible to train the body to move in a new way while learning to ride a bicycle, to dance etc. Proper training can help you to control the negative emotions related to cheating instead of letting the emotions control you. To read more, visit page Healing After Cheating and Narcissism.
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Latest - Jul, 2010 |
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How to Survive Cheating and Betrayal in a Relationship
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A crisis such as cheating and infidelity can cause severe depression and anxiety and jeopardize the basic brain functions. Recovery after cheating takes months, if not years. Depression is known to diminish the size of the brain areas related to performing mental tasks such as learning new things or controlling long- and short term memory. We all know this is true: If we are unhappy and stressed due to problems in our relationship we tend to forget things more easily, concentrating on everyday chores becomes more difficult etc. Sadness due to cheating and infidelity in a relationship can cause similar symptoms as clinical depression. From these pages you find information which will help you to improve your situation and to prevent long-lasting negative effects on your life. 
Forgiving cheating is not possible if we do not clearly see that our spouse is genuinely sorry for what has happened. Here we must be very selfish. If you do not see genuine regret in your cheating spouse after cheating took place, it is best to let go and move on because unless you believe your spouse is truly sorry, you cannot ever trust your spouse again after cheating has occurred. To be able to trust again and forgive are necessary before the recovery can take place. 
Your situation can vary: Your spouse may have decided to leave you, you may have decided to leave your spouse or you are trying to work things out after a crisis in your relationship. You may have trust issues or problems related to cheating, jealousy or mistrust but your spouse may not be aware of your feelings. In all of these cases you are most likely feeling sad, disoriented and stressed in your relationship.
I had been dating the same guy (Mat) for 3 yrs, we have also been friends since I was 17 yrs old and I have always had a crush on him, he was always my one big crush. Mat was the perfect boyfriend, he cared so much about me, told me he loved me all the time, always wanted to be with me, always brought me around his friends and for the most part we had an amazing relationship. Mat, however has a history of repeating relationships in the past where he had always maintained a friendship with his ex's and sometimes dated them more then once. I had been his longest relationship though and also his most serious.
In October Mat had gotten a new job with a big time electrical company, it was his dream job, but it required him to move 4 hours away. In the time that he had got the job and moved, things started to change between us, he never seemed to want to talk to me and when he came down he was more concerned about seeing his friends rather then me. One weekend in December I went away for a girls weekend, when I came back and asked him what he had done on the weekend he told me he hung out with his Ex Danielle who essentially was his first g/f from high school, and they remained good friends but never really hung out or talked all that much in the time that we had been together. All of a sudden I noticed an increased amount of text msgs and calls between the 2 of them, he stared talking to her everynight on the computer while he was away for work and I became very suspicious...obviously. He got a transfer closer to home and in feb. we decided to move in together...knowing that things were not good between us, I realize that this was a very bad idea but I thought maybe this was a good step for us and it would bring us closer...however things only got worse and Danielle never went away. I started looking into his emails and I found some msgs between the 2 of them, somethings he said about me and they were not nice at all, and also he was telling her that he has never regretted their relationship and that he has always thought highly of her and that he has compared everyone to her and no on comes close. I was destroyed...I loved him so much and I did everything for him to try and make him happy and he was doing this to me. I also found in his email that he was planning on sending her flowers...he didn't but the fact that it was a thought was enough for me. I confronted him about all of this and I told him that the only way we could even begin to fix this is if he stopped talking to her and he agreed.
He did stop talking to her but no matter what he did I questioned it. He changed all of his passwords, put a password on his computer and then anything he did that was questionable to me...I questioned him. Although he wasn't doing anything wrong, he wasn't trying to show me that he had nothing to hide either. He started to resent me, he spent all of his spare time with his friends, he would never come with me to important family affairs and we were just so distant. I didn't know who he was anymore. Everything changed, I resented him too for what he did, I brought it up all the time because I didn't truly believe that he thought what he did was wrong, and he didn't. To him they were just friends, he had no feelings for her...blah blah blah.
One day I had accused him to lying to me about something he had done regarding his computer and that was it, we fought for 2 days and he finally said he was done, he couldn't take the accusations and the fighting and we broke up, I moved out. At first we were being very civil, he helped move everything out, agreed that one day we could be friends and be civil as we do have mutual friends. Mat and I had cell phones that were linked so I could view his bill and who he was calling, I noticed that merely 3 days after we had broken up, he went right back to calling his ex Danielle. I called him and confronted him and told him I wanted nothing to do with him, we would never be friends and that I feel like this is what he wanted the whole time. He maintained that it was not the reason we broke up and that he wouldn't have broken up with me if I hadn't stopped accusing him of everything and that they are just friends and she is helping him though a hard time, he said it would take him a long time to get over me and that he doesn't want to be in a relationship for a long time.
About a month after we broke up I get a call from Mat, he is trying to make small talk and then I cut to the chase and very coldly ask him what it is that he wanted. He cried and went on to say that he knows he screwed everything up and he took advantage of me, he wanted me back and didn't want to spend the rest of his life without me, he would do whatever it takes to get me back. I am hesitant at first, I still love him obviously, I never wanted to break up, I just needed time to heal. He wanted to make sure that if we are going to get back together he is completely honest about everything and tells me that while we are broken up, he slept with Danielle. Well this changes everything, I lost my mind on him and told him that I knew that its what he wanted the whole time and that I knew that this is what Danielle wanted and I was right to say that she was trying to ruin our relationship, not letting him off the hook because I told him I recognize that he had a huge part in all this as well. He continued to apologize and told me how he never thought that we would get back together, he thought he could get over me and move on but after being with her he realized that she was never what he wanted and that it was always me. He said he has stopped talking to her because of this and wants to be with only me, he said she will never again be a part of his life and that he would do anything to make it up to me.
I am extremely angry at him for sleeping with her, I am relieved that he didn't cheat on me and waited till we had broken up but at the same time I am hurt because I feel like he moved on so quickly and I meant nothing.
I want to be with him, I love him but I also don't think I won't move on and find someone else, I would just never have those same feelings for anyone else. What we had before was amazing, we were as close to perfect as it gets and he threw it all away for someone else.
I told him I would give us another chance and try to work it out, I do believe that he is sorry and wants to be with me, especially after knowing that if we got back together all of my friends and family will have a hard time letting him back into their lives and he is still willing to take that chance to be with me. But I am afraid that I will always have this in the back of my mind and that I will never get over what he did and be able to trust him again. I am so confused and terrified because I don't ever want to go through this again with him, I never want to feel those feelings, it tore me apart. Any suggestions?
sorry about the novel...
Thanks
Natalina