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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because it is universal language and I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.

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Welcome to these pages. If you are experiencing difficulties in your life related to cheating and narcissism, you will find help from this website. I have been through exactly the same emotional pain you are now experiencing. I know how it feels to find out your spouse has been cheating on you and lying to you. I have experienced the heartache and depression which follows after learning about cheating. It feels like somebody stole your comfortable familiar life. The one person you thought you could trust 100% has let you down. The recovery is hard, but it is doable. The aim of this website is to speed up your recovery and help you to regain your happiness and mental balance.

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I have written down the results of my literature search and some of my personal experiences of how to recover and heal after cheating or a relationship with a narcissist. Human brain is an amazing device. It is possible to teach the brain to work in new ways in same fashion as it is possible to train the muscles in the body to move in new ways while learning to ride a bicycle, to dance etc. Proper training can help you to control negative emotions related to cheating or a relationship with a narcissist instead of letting your emotions control you. You can read more about this topic from page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism.

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Cheating and narcissism in a relationship

I know the horrible feeling in the stomach when you think about the details of cheating. I have felt the same anger, pain, frustration, anxiety and depression. It is impossible for a person who has not experienced cheating to know what is going on in the mind of the cheated spouse.

First reaction after finding out about cheating is initial shock. You feel your world has been shattered. Everything you believed in has been taken from you. You thought you were priority to your spouse and now it turned out your spouse has feelings for someone else. The reason you feel hurt is because you must now reshape your image of yourself and your life after you found out about cheating. This reshaping is a painful process. It takes about two years for the mind and the brain to recover from severe depression. It is the same situation with depression and anxiety created by cheating or being in a relationship with a narcissist, and recovery can take about as long. Good news is that there are things you can do to help yourself to speed up the process of recovery and healing after cheating or stressful relationship with a narcissist. To find out more, visit page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism.

The recovery process after cheating

The painful emotions you are now experiencing are basic physiological reactions to certain events in life. When you learn to understand what is causing your feelings you are able to control your feelings better. As scientists today can stand on the shoulders of great scientists of past, such as Einstein and Newton (every graduate student does not have to invent the theory of relativity all over again), in same fashion it can help you to recover faster if you can read about the experiences of others who also have faced cheating and narcissism. I found my own way to survive and learn to control my emotions, same methods can work for you. Simple exercises and small everyday actions can help your brain to adjust to the situation faster and help you to recover.

Your situation can vary: You may have decided to leave your spouse after you found out about cheating and you are now struggling to get over the pain of separation, or you may have decided to stay in your relationship and are trying to make it work again after cheating, but you are having hard time dealing with negative emotions related to the memory of cheating or an affair. You may even be the one who cheated and you wish to learn to understand what your cheated spouse is now going through in order to help your spouse to deal with situation and recover faster. Whatever your situation is, you find help from this website. This website provides information along with many stories of people who have been through what you are now going through. You are not alone. If you wish to read more about these topics, please visit page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism.

- Maria

For short summary of contents of this website, go to page Cheating and Narcissism Resources

To read more about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with a cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity. To read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. If you wish, you can read more about the content of this website and about my background from page Site Overview or go to other sections by clicking Main Menu links (upper left bar).

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Comments (20)

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• |2011-10-02 14:10:24 Jessica  - AFFAIR WITH ANOTHER MAN
  Hi Sharon I know just how you feel!! I have been with my partner for 6 years we have been friends for over 12 years we work in the music industry and are very popular as well as being good role models ( so i thought) we have 2 kids we have a great life up until a month ago when I found out that my partner has been having a affair with another man who sometimes pays him for sex this has bee going on for a year he told me hat he worked as a rent boy from age 14 and has known this guy through the job he use to do he also told me he was molested from age 13 by another man( i had no idea). so he makes me feel sorry for him but nothing will take away the fact that he has been cheating with another man for over a year he said he will never do it again that he is embarrassed and he was stupid and is begging for forgiveness I am in a bad situation my kid love him he is a good dad and partner I can tell any one as it will ruin my career people will take the piss BIG time as they would never expect this from him it would be a death sentence for him if I leave him it will also mess up my career don't know what to do weather he deserves another chance i just don't know my head is on overtime and the 1 thin is am alone in this mess with no 1 to ask as am so embarrassed to have a man like this by my side.
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• |2011-04-04 19:50:41 Sharon  - Husband cheated on me with another man!
  I have been married for 3 1/2 yrs. I loved my husband unconditionally. I never had a thought or clue that he was interested in having an affair on me. But on his birthday i came home from work and i found a condom in the toilet and my heart fell. From the size of the condom i knew it wasn't his.Plus we don't use condoms. So i woke him up and of course he denied everything. I just knew that it was another man that had sex with him that night. He eventually admitted it but I was just numb. I have heard of these situations and said to myself that i would leave. But now the shoe is on my foot. He has cried and begged and apologized and said it was a one time thing. But it has made me feel like I'm worthless that my husband had to go to another man to be satisfied instead of me. At the time I thought we had fantastic sex, but i now know that i was wrong. I agreed to go to counseling with him but I just can't get over what he has done. He has vowed to never do it again but I don't believe him at all.He keeps buying roses(but he always did) so that means nothing to me. He basically kisses my butt all day long. He claims he loves me and he doesn't understand why he did have sex that night with a man. Says he was intoxicated and answered a ad from craigs list and invited a complete stranger to my home in my bed. He claims he feels the hurt and pain that i do, but I know he couldn't possiblt feel what my heart is feeling. I'm just sick with hurt, pain, anger, and many more emotions that i can't think of right now. He has since bought me a new bed cause there was no way i was getting in that bed. I got rid of all of the decorations in the house and have bought new ones. But I know the event took place in this house and I don't think I could continue to stay here. It's tearing me apart.
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• |2011-07-13 01:08:43 teia  - im hurting too
  Your story is just like mine however it just happend yesterday. Im sick inside I can't stop crying and breaking stuff. But unlike you I kicked his butt out (cloths all over the lawn) even though he's an amazing man he's still obviously gay and needs to go in that direction. Im scared and lonely and miss the idea of him but really he cheated and that's unforgivable. And who the hell is he anyways the man I love isnt gay. He's two faced.
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• |2011-11-19 17:51:03 stillstanding  - Face Reality! Work on you not the home!
  My heart goes out to you because I have seen and heard of situations like this but cheating is cheating with a man or woman the betrayal is there and the hurt is no didderent weather he penetrates a woman or a man pentrates him, you were violated mentally, physically, and emotonally and not to mention in your home and in your bed. Your husband seems to lack empathy with his actions no matter how many roses, beds or decorations he may purchase you.I experienced the cheating from a previous marriage to a extreme narcissist. These people are cold, evil and have no empathy. Face reality your husband apparenly has some identity crisis and sexual preferences that you can't satisfy bacause you are a woman, this is not your problem you and a normal person it's him with the issues. Really think about it this has happen before he ws comfortable bringing someone into your home and srewing in your bed off craig's list,your husband has major issues he was caught up in his own personal gratification and deal woth consequences later if i get caught. I been through a lot of counseling, we see these people as they want us to see them, they hide behind the mask. Please get in touch with a great bible based church and start your healing process internally.You will get over this just get in touch with "God'. The pain I felt from this marriage mama, daddy, sister, brother couldn't fix it. I had to seek God!!! email me if you like now is the time you need to talk to someone that can relate and understand your true pain.I have turn this into many things. The devil meant the situation for my bad and final destination he tried to destroy me but I have taken it and turned it into my ministry It's my Testimony on "How I got away" I am now helping victims like myself recover. Don't take him back pacify your pain with the word of God! Not his lies and gifts! Peace and Blessings to you!!!
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• |2011-03-14 20:57:45 joylynn33  - it still hurts,but not as much
  i have woke up in the morning drinking and crying,sleeping to repeat it all over again,and him telling me that life is to short and all he wants is to be happy,and me not understanding what brought it on.and the same way that it starts it ends the same ways out the blue,and he loves me again and all is good,i have lived in fear for years,not noing if he will love me today,but this site has open my eyes for really now understanding him,because i would say i never had a man to take me on a rollercoaster ride,one min.having me so high and then bringing me down even lower.changing on me for know reason.and then telling me how he will never leave me.but the next week he needs to be happy being alone.and telling me that i act like a man has never hurt me before,and me trying to explain mental abuse,and him saying he read about it once.i want to hate him but i don't and now i understand why friend and family telling him to grow=up.and me reading about being with a N..we are the parent and they are the child. i still love whatever part was real or any...but a big part of me feel sorry for him now and i will pray for everyone on this site.and hope things get better..
  
  
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• |2010-12-12 18:39:21 ann  - time
  Diana I feel the same way and have known my partner for 19 years. we have 2 kids and he is a great father also but only when it suits him. my children are having a very strange childhood because he has given them no parental guidance and when it comes to discipline they get a bit from me he is just like a friend to them. when he gets mad with them it's blown way out of proportion and when he's happy with them there is no structure. they blame me and they are 7 and 8 because they say that I'm always yelling at them. I get that I'm in a no win situation and if I want to give these children the gift of life and support them to help raise th with respect and human qualities I must leave.
  ann
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• |2010-12-12 14:10:43 Carol  - healing
  It has been a little over a year since I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me. I'm here to tell you that the pain does go away and you can forgive but you will never forget. We have both been in therapy and working hard to make ourselves heathly again. Last month we started couples therapy...I recommend this for anyone who is willing to stick with their partner. We have both grown so much over the past year and our relationship is back to how it was before he cheated.
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• |2010-12-07 16:18:35 Ella  - Too Long
  I stumbled on your site after realizing that I have been married to a N for 29 years met him when I was 17 he has ruled my life I tried to get out 9 years ago we were living apart and I wanted out he casused so much trouble and stress to our children that I abandoned my attempt I am now hoping to be free in 2011 sometimes Im so scared that I cant make it on my own.
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• |2011-04-27 05:57:33 melissa  - I know that you are scared...I was too
  Ella, I just read your post and I hope that you are out, as it is that it is 2011 and all I know that it is scary. I was scared too once. But I pulled up my bootstraps, grabed my 3 year old son, and told him to piss off as I walked out the door. I had no money...cause he made it all, no college degree...cause I supported him through college. I had no job...cause I was rasing his son. And u know what...I made it!!! That was 5 years ago. I now have a dream job that I love and am great at, and make pretty good money doing it. I have this amazing new guy who is everything my N pretended to be(been with him for 3 years....check, check, double check....yep...not a nar). My cool 8 year old little man and his new little sister. I'm not gonna tell you I walked out the door that day and all these amazing things were right around the corner...cause they weren't. They were down aways, just off of shit creek and past fuck me lane. But, I had enough faith to believe that one day I would find them. And I was willing to do the work to do so. May God bless you in your jouney to a life that belongs to you and not someone else. Keep your head held high and have faith to believe. Your sister in survival, Melissa
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• |2011-11-19 17:53:26 stillstanding  - You can do it I did! Run.....Run..
  Yes, No Contact is the only way to ensure they don't come back. The only reason they come back is to get a reacion out of you. They need to know they still have a hold on you, that they can still get you to react, but why?
  
  Why does the narcissist keep coming back? Why can't he leave us alone? It's important to understand that a narcissist has no inner-sense of self. He disconnected from himself a long time ago. Because he has no sense of self, he must be validated by others in order to feel alive. Without outside validation, he feels dead inside.
  
  If a narcissist is deficient in Narcissistic Supply (NS), he will seek it out from anyone he can get it from. If he comes to you after your relationship has ended, you must understand he is coming to you because he is not getting enough attention or validation from his current source of supply.
  
  I know this is harsh and may be hard to accept, but you must get it. He is not returning to you because he misses you or genuinely loves you. Remember, the only two feelings a narcissist experiences are fear and rage (primal feelings). Love is not a feeling a narcissist can experience. If he returns to you, it's because he needs to be validated and nothing more.
  
  I am often asked why some narcissists return only to change their mind immediately after you commit or why they return simply to say something insulting or hurtful to you. The reason for this is because he is only returning to get a "quick fix" on his addiction. Once you validate him by responding to him in any way, shape or form, he's got his fix and will move on to the next best high.
  
  Getting a reaction out of you is like a drug to him. He gets off on it and he needs it in order to feel alive. It gives him a thrill. Without it, he feels dead inside. This is why he will come back simply to insult you or demean you. If he knows he can't get a positive reaction from you, he's going to try to elicit a negative reaction. All he needs is a reaction from you to get his fix - good or bad, he doesn't care - as long as he gets a reaction from you. He likes to know he still has some kind of hold or effect on you.
  
  Do NOT give him this satisfaction. Please Do NOT feed his addiction. Starve the Vampire, ladies. Let him get his fix somewhere else. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to go "No Contact" and refuse to react to him.
  
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• |2010-09-23 14:27:42 Diana White  - 19 years of marriage to a narcissist, 2 kids 16 a
  I have been married for 19 years next month. I've stumbled upon your website and I'm seeing myself in every story and comment posted. I had a mental breakdown Sunday afternoon and it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I fought with him about spending time with the family and he belittled me for 2 hours and verbally abused me in front of my children. I threatened him with divorce. I can't take this anymore and don't know how to do this without hurting my kids. He is a great father to the kids and would do anything for them, but on his terms. I'm afraid these tantrums and fights are going to have a negative effect on my boys when it comes to relationships in their future. Need some guidance.
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• |2010-05-24 02:28:04 beegee  - Contact with narcissist
  I have been divorced from a NPD for about 20 years. His aunt and I have stayed friends all these years. After her death I learned she had left me some valuable prints in her will. She had told me she wanted to leave them to me. However the ex NPD found out and became mad. He went to her house and took the prints claiming she gave them to him. Now it looks like I will have to go to court to get them back. The executor knows this is wrong but does not want to mess with him. Your articles state not to make them mad because they will want revenge. I have not bothered him in 16 years and he still out for revenge. He divorced me and left me with 3 children whom he seldom sees. Do I just let him have them and stay out of his way? I don't think I can play his game. Thanks, BeeGee
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• |2011-11-19 18:02:17 stillstanding  - LET HIM HAVE THEM!
  NOTHING IS WORTH THE COMPROMISE OF YOUE PEACE YOU HAVE HAD IN YOUR LIFE FOR THE PAST 16 YEARS. MY EX-N KEPT PERSONAL ITEMS OF GREAT VALUE AFTER I LEFT HIM I NEVER WENT BACK. THERE IS ONLY ONE THING THAT WOULD HAVE MADE ME HAVE ANY TYPE OF CONTACT WOULD BE A CHILD AND THANK THE LORD WE DON'T HAVE ANY CHILDREN TOGETHER! HE STILL CONTROLS THE EX-WIFE WITH THEIR KIDS EVEN THOUGH SHE IS RE=MARRIED. HE IS HISTORY LET IT BE ABD LET AUNT REST IN PEACE AND YOU CONTINUE TO LIVE IN PEACE! A NARCISSISIT IS NOTHING PEACFUL, HE WANTS THE ATTENTION FROM YOU THAT'S WHY HE TOOK THE PICTURES..HE WANTS THAT NARCISSIST SUPPLY GOOD OR BAD!!ANY WAY HE CAN GET AND FROM ANYONE THAT WILL GOVE HIM THE TIME OF DAY! LET IT GO.....PEACE OF MIND IS PRICELESS!
  
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• |2010-03-20 19:48:44 Nora
  Hi,
  After 15 years of marriage and having 2 children my husband and I decided to have one more child. When I was 9th month of pregnancy my husband said he needed to go for business trip but promised to be back by the due date. Then he telephoned and told me that he could not to come on time. I delivered a baby girl without him. My older children and my parents supported me. When the baby was 10 days old the husband returned. In 2 days time somehow I learned that he was not alone on his business trip. The fact is that he was with his lover when I was 9th month pregnant and was delivering our baby. I cannot describe the pain I went through and still going through. Now 2 month have passed but it still hurts and will hurt for a long time for sure. I will not be able neither to forgive nor to forget that betrayal. He begs me to forgive but I can't. He swears that he loves and needs me but of course I don't believe and don't trust him any longer. My older children do not want me to divorce. They are in difficult age - 14 and 12 years old. And I don't want to hurt them. I am in a difficult situation for I really don't know what to do.
  
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• |2009-12-14 17:43:40 Maria
  Dear Artzy, I agree, especially if he has a bad temper you should not reveal to him that you know about this matter. In my previous response to you I was viewing all possibilities in an independent manner, but now after hearing more details about your situation I really believe you have done the right choice. This way you make sure he cannot hurt you. Also, I believe it would have been very difficult for you to trust him again after this kind of a betrayal, even if you were somehow able to continue the relationship. Now when you mentioned his bad temper, I really agree that you should keep this knowledge to yourself and prepare your leave in silence.
  
  Please keep writing and let us know how things are going with you. My thoughts are with you!
  
  Warm hug, Maria
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