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- For Table of Contents of this website, please visit Sitemap Page

- I also welcome you to read my Blog.

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview. (If you are a native English speaker and would like to help me to improve this website by proofreading articles published here, please send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it )

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If you wish to read personal stories of people who have been in a relationship with a narcissistic partner, please visit page Stories - Narcissism. To read the stories of people who have experienced cheating in their relationship, visit page Stories - Cheating. I am publishing new stories in these sections on regular basis, please feel free to return for updates.


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Please familiarize yourself with the following sections on this website


Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism - How to recover and heal your heart after experiencing cheating or narcissism in a relationship. Healing after a relationship with a mental abuser.

Narcissism - Information about narcissism. Learn to recognize a narcissistic person and understand how the mind of a narcissist works. How to cope with a narcissistic person and how to leave a narcissistic partner. Emotional detachment from a narcissistic person. Support and advice.

Cheating and Infidelity - Information about cheating in a relationship. Learn to understand how the mind of a cheater works. Healing and recovering after cheating. How to forget the memory of cheating. Support and advice.

Emotions and the Brain - Understanding the biological basis of emotions. How negative experiences related to cheating and narcissism affect the brain. Learn to control negative emotions.

Stories: Narcissism - Personal stories of life with narcissistic spouse.

Stories: Cheating - Personal stories of life with cheating spouse.

Blog: Cheating, Narcissism, Brain and Mind - From this section you find information and links to articles dealing with topics related to cheating, narcissism, mind and brain. Feel free to bookmark this page to return for updates.

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OTHER IMPORTANT RESOURCES


www.nami.org # National Alliance of Mental Illness.

www.ncadv.org # Very useful link for victims of domestic violence and emotional abuse.

www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org # Please visit this site if you are having any kinds of thoughts of harming yourself.

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Comments (25)
  • Hilary Alger  - thanks for this site very helpful
    :D

    Hi This site has been really helpful, my son had sex with a woman who ended up pregnant, since then we have been through nearly two years of hell, we have worked out that she probably has narcisstic personality disorder, but she has tried everything she can to ruin my son's life, the baby is a year old tomorrow, we are now fighting for contact, but it is hard work, the whole family has become involved, it would be good to have some pointers on how to deal with this when there are children involved and you can't just remove yourself from the narcissist.

    thanks once again
    Hilary
  • Marci  - Marci
    Thank you Maria for your wisdom and this website. Separating from narcs is so very painful and time-consuming after they've taken a person on the rollercoaster relationship they inevitably deliver.

    I have known for years that my late father was a huge narcissist. My elder sister was clued in about it and coached me through the years about how to handle him. We just fed his ego. He never once told me he loved me. I developed a very hard shell about him, and now am in the process of some self-examination to ensure that I have not copied his traits. Our Mom died of cancer 25 years ago after suffering many years with his cheating.

    He FINALLY passed away three years ago; I was his financial confidant/enabler because of my profession, and at the end, I was able to ensure that my siblings were treated equally in their legacy. He tried his best to leave everything to his gold-digger second wife and her greedy offspring. They were huge narcissist-enablers who only wanted his money. Well, at the end, I outplayed them by convincing him that we had 'done better' thereby showing him that we (his own children) were a better reflection of his grand accomplishments than were his so-called stepchildren (who were 40 when he married their mother). This led to his dividing up his assets and distributing them PRIOR to his demise so that there was no legal challenge possible from all his devoted 'followers'.

    All sounds so mercenary doesn't it - well I can say that after having suffered his craziness and moods, his control, his cheating on my mother, after all that, at least I can say me and my siblings have reconciled any bitterness that developed from the home life we suffered years ago. We are now enjoying the legacy and are good friends, normal enough people I hope. Oh, and the "legacy" was ACTUALLY mostly our maternal grandmother's money, which NARC convinced himself was his OWN accomplishment.

    I did manage to break away and marry a nice normal guy, bless him, who fathered my children and then passed away, sadly. Since then, I have found myself gravitating back to the narcissist type who reminds me of Dad. Not sure why - maybe women always try to 'marry their father'. Anyway, from now on, I am letting my 'rational' brain rule my decisions and no more getting sucked in by the charms of a narc. I cut and run as soon as I see the traits- no matter how charming, handsome or rich the guy is. I am my own woman, I am content to live alone if need be rather than suffer a narc again.

    No one deserves to be treated badly, and if anyone out there feels they are, then have the courage to free yourself. You may encounter loneliness, doubts, poverty even, but at least you will be a FREE PERSON. That is like gold. And you will be free to find the type of people who bring you joy.
    Marci
  • glo  - all i want to know is "WHY AM I STILL HERE??"
    :x I AGREE WITH ALL THE ABOVE POSTS AS I SIT HERE "SPINNING" IN ALL STAGES OF DISCOVERY/RECOVERY. I HAVENT HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO DISCUSS ALL THE DISCOVERIES FACE TO FACE W/ MY N-. HE WENT TO THE "STORE" ONE NIGHT AROUND MIDNIGHT AND NEVER CAME HOME. NO HE'S NOT HURT OR WITH "HER" HE WAS ARRESTED AND HAS BEEN INCARCERATED EVER SINCE-I HAVENT SEEN HIM FOR 1 YR AND WE'VE DONE ALL THE DISCOVERY OF WHO HE REALLY IS VIA COLLECT PHONE CALLS AND LETTERS.WHICH IS REALLY OK FOR ME SINCE HIS PERSONALITY IS TOO OVERBEARING FOR MINE.
    WE HAVENT HAD SEX FOR 4+YRS--HE SAID HE WAS BROKEN DUE TO MAN PROBLEMS LIKE PROSTATE ISSUES-I HAD TO ACCEPT IT, BUT STILL WONDERED HOW HE COULD JUST STOP AND NOT HAVE ANY CONCERN FOR ME AND MY NEEDS-THERE'S LOTS OF WAYS TO STILL BE INTIMATE-RIGHT LADIES? WELL HE DIDNT-HE EVEN SAID ONCE SEX WAS OVER RATED AND THAT HE JUST DIDNT THINK ABOUT IT MUCH ANY MORE.
    HE'S ALSO SAID FROM BEGINNING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT HE WAS A FLIRT-THATS WHO HE IS AND HE WASNT GOING TO CHANGE....AND THAT HE WAS!! BUT NOW I THOUGHT HE WAS ONLY COMING ON SO STRONG TO COMPENSATE FOR HIS "AILMENT" I REMEMBER THINKING'"THOSE POOR WHORES (NO REALLY- THEY (48 TOTAL) WERE LITERALLY 4TH ST. HOOKERS) THEY DONT KNOW THEY WONT BE GETTING ANY. HE'S HARMLESS-PATHETIC YES BUT HARMLESS!
    WHEN IT WOULD GET TO BE TOO MUCH-EXAMPLE-PICS ON CELL PHONE FROM ALL HIS HONIES-BOOBS, SNATCHES,AND LET'S FU*K TODAY TEXTS-I'D ASK HIM ABOUT IT AND OF COURSE A NARCISSTIC RAGE WOULD ERUPT OUT OF NO WHERE--HIS FUNNIEST LIE WAS="I DONT PUSH THE SEND BUTTON-I CANT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT THEY TEXT ME!!" AND OF COURSE THATS TRUE BUT HE DIDNT THINK IT TO BE FUNNY THAT THEY ALL FOLLOWED THE SAME PATTERN-WITH IN ONE WEEK OF HIM ADDING THEM TO HIS LIST THEY'D BE SENDING STUFF LIKE THAT. ODD HUH??
    AS I SAID THERE WERE 48 DIFFERENT WHORES IN A 4 YR PERIOD. REALLY ONLY 4 CAME FORWARD AFTER HE WAS INCARCERATED BUT THOSE 4 CONFIRMED THE OTHER 44. WHY YOU MIGHT SAY? AND I REPLY-WHY NOT! THEY ALL FIT THE SAME PATTERN--
    SO IVE BEEN LEFT TO SORT THRU ALL THIS ALONE WHILE HE'S BEEN GONE. I EVEN GAVE HIM 3 SETS OF HOMEWORK TO DO BEFORE HE GOT HOME. JUST SO WE CAN START ON SAME PAGE WHEN HE RETURNS. WHICH JUST HAPPENS TO BE IN 5 DAYS. HE HAS YET TO ANSWER EVEN MY SIMPLIEST OF QUESTIONS- HE HAS GIVEN ME A BLANKET APOLOGY-LIKE HE'S DONE ON 2 OTHER INCARCERATIONS (2-1 MO STINTS IN COUNTY JAIL). HE;S ASKED ME TO MARRY HIM FROM 3 DIFFERENT JAIL CELLS-PROMISED THERE WOULD BE NO MORE CHICKS-THAT HE LOVES ME-WANTS TO MARRY ME-AND HE'LL NEVER BE OUT OF MY SIGHT AGAIN.
    I HAVE DEALT WITH ALL OF THIS DISCOVERY ON A MIND LEVEL-KEEPING MY HEART IN SECLUSION..I CAN RECALL EVERY HORRID DETAIL OF PAST 4 YRS-LOOK THE MONSTER IN THE EYE AND WITH SUCH CONVICTION AND CONFIDENCE. BUT IF I START TO DWELL ON THOSE HORRIBLE AND HAUNTING IMAGES AND THOUGHTS (TEXT) I START TO LOSE IT-BAD!
    I DONT KNOW WHAT IS WORSE-!)THAT HE WITHHELD SEX FROM ME FOR 4 YRS 2)THAT HE'D RAGE AT ME-IF I STARTED TO PUT HIS LIES TOGETHER AND ASK HIM ABOUT A DETAIL THAT JUST DIDNT MAKE SENSE AND HOW HE COULD LIE RIGHT TO MY CRYING EYES AND BREAKING HEART TIME AND TIME AGAIN-PLAYING THE VICTIM OF MY TWISTED JEALOUSY, 3)OR THE FACT THAT HE WASNT BROKEN AT ALL AND HAS HAD MORE SEX WITH THESE WHORES THAN WE DID IN THE YR PRIOR TO HIM CUTTING ME OFF OR LASTLY 4) WHY HE DIDNT DO ME AS WELL? WOULD IT HAVE HURT LESS IF HE HAD DONE ME TOO? OR IS IT WORSE THAT HE DIDNT DO ME TOO?
    I KNOW IM SICK TO EVEN PUT THIS MUCH ENERGY INTO TRYING TO UNDERSTAND--BUT I THINK I DECIDED WHICH OF THE 4 OFFENSES-EACH WORTHY OF DEATH-IS THE WORSE--AND I CHOSE #2 HIS ABILITY TO LIE TO MY FACE TIME AND TIME AGAIN. THAT SHOWS HIS CORE BEING-WHO HE REALLY IS DEEP DOWN-THAT IS THE HARDEST ONE TO TRY AND WORK WITH. OF COURSE--48 IS A HELL OF ALOT MORE THAN 1. GOD GIVE ME ONE BITCH-ONE NIGHT-ONE LIE-ONE TIME....AND MAYBE I COULD RECONCILE BUT TO HAVE 48 OVER A PERIOD OF 4YRS OF YOUR 5 YR RELATIONSHIP-REMEMBERING THAT 1.2 YRS HE'S BEEN INCARCERATED..THAT A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH TO ASK. DONT YOU THINK SO TOO? ANY ADVISE WOULD BE GREATLY APPRECIATED--AND PS. IM STILL HERE CAUSE IVE PAID WAY TOO MUCH FOR THIS FRONT SEAT AND IM GOING TO STAY AND WATCH HOW IT ENDS. GIVE HIM A MONTH AND HE'LL BE BACK TO ALL HIS OLD TRICKS. THEN I'LL BE ABLE TO WALK AWAY AND NEVER LOOK BACK.
  • Anonymous  - Stop sending me stuff!
    Please stop sending me post after post in my email! Thank u
  • Admin
    Dear Friend,

    If you wish to unsubscribe from a certain thread you can do so by altering your "notify" settings. I can do this for you if you send me your email address. Right now I unfortunately cannot unsubscribe you because your comment is anonymous without any identification information. You can send me your email address to searchforbalancemail@gmail.com along with a note that you would like to unsubscribe from a comment thread. Once I receive your email address I will immediately unsubscribe you from this thread.

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  • ididit  - get gone!
    It's been almost 3 years now I've been N-free. I will say upfront, it was the worst thing I've ever been through. However, if I had to do it all exactly as before to be where I am today, then I would have to do it. To all of you out there who are wondering HOW to make it through another moment...just breathe. There was a time I didn't believe I could live without him. I thought he was my everything. I also fell in love with a very,very different person than what/who he turned in to. My story is like all the others only a different face on the N. Being able to move on does NOT happen overnight. It takes lots and lots of time. I mean alot of time. Once you admit you've really been had and you do not at all know the N...I mean...the N doesn't even know the N so how could you? Sure, I knew what he told me or what I saw or what he had me see...but once I grasped the fact the person in my home was not the person I believed him to be it got a whole lot easier. I don't mean it was "easy" ever BUT once I quit trying to make sense of each and every little thing and just let myself realize he was a con/liar and none of it meant anything to him(it was me who was trusting and loving)then things began to fall in to place over time. I still read about narcissism, I still remember the pain of that time in my life, I still remember the moments that were seemingly good ones(but you have to remember none of it was really ever real!) THEN I say "thank goodness I am not in that place today" and go about my business. I am happy to be where I am now and also...for whatever it is worth...it means something to me to have made it through. It was so difficult I never thought I would. But I did. If I can, then anyone can. I promise. Get out of the fog, let the heart break then heal and ride the waves of the emotions to come. Breathe when you don't think you will or even want to and keep on going. Do not let this N control your life, take another moment of your life or be able to hurt you ever again. You take control of your happiness and stick with the plan to be N free forever. Believe me, you will spot them now better than before and hit the highway without another thought other than "ugh...I remember and no-way". You will smile, laugh and feel joy again. I do.
  • Claude  - My Story
    I met N in Costa Rica about 9 years ago. After a month we married. I moved back to the states and brought her and her daughter 9 months later. The relationship was relatively fine with a few "raged" moments. She actually pulled a knife on me. But, somehow I think it was only to intimidate me. We had a baby so leaving her was a difficult decision.The true N came out a few years later when she got her green card; The first man she cheated on mne with (that I know of). I have always been trusting but this really hurt. She never felt bad, apologized, nor reassured me that it would never happen again. In fact, I caught her in numerous lies about it. The biggest was too obsurd to believe and insulted my intelligence. So I for a fresh start, I took a new job about 6 hrs away. About 8 months later, I got a good job offer for a Japan job. While there she asked me to buy her a $30,000 BMW. I said no. Then she wanted to go to Thailand for plastic surgery. I never complained about her body, in fact, I liked/loved her the way she was. TO get these material things she took a job. Then she complained that she couldnt get intimate with me bc she was tired. SO I brought her mother over to help out. That took a lot of money, energy and time from my part. This was her green light to go completly wild. I wouldnt see her for extended periods of time. Her philosophy was, "You dont support me, so we are only married by papers". I suspect there were multiple guys this time from many sourses as well as a letter aI found. It came to a head one night she was trying to "escape" to see her man. A fight broke out and she pulled a knife on me in front of our 2 year old daughter. She backed off. Later, she called the police. I told my story and her mother independantly corroberated it. She was charged with assault. FAst forward a couple of weeks to my birthday. This is good. I book a romantic getway to start some kind of a healing process. All I got was a cold shoulder(which I was used to by this point)and she lied and told me she needed money bc she didnt get paid. I said OK. Ill give her a little extra so she might get me a little gift. Instead, She bought her boyfriend a gift for "whiteday" (a japanese hoilday;valentines in reverse, girl buys a gift) and on top of that she went into my wallent and took my card only to buy 2 cases of beer for her friends boyfriend for his birthday! SHe still defends her position. About a month later she assaulted my step-daughter and got arrested. I reported this one. The rest of the time she still saw her men and one in particular. She was all of a sudden not materialistic. HE was an illegal in Japn and didnt have much money. He was exploited for physical needs. She fell in love with this one. This really hurt bc I was missing so much the intimacy, openness, sharing. She gave me nothing. She him everything. I took another job to a near by island and she actually came. Upon arriving here, I discovered this relationship and brokedown a little. All the years of abuse with no remorse and now a spit on my face. I suffer bc it's really hard to divorse here without frequent trips back to the states but unfortunatley I might have to go back to deal with this "cancer".
    The whole time she devalued me, degraded me; We married too soon for to try and woo me. She posesses zero empathy. She is cold and calculating with me but will share her life to strangers on fb. ANd I am made to feel like it's me. The sad thing is that I am so enraged inside by the abuse , that I "mimic" her behaviior to show her what she does. I hope I am not falling trap to that. I believe I am not because I still have heart and empathy. THe other wierd thing she does is make up obsurd stories when I catch her in lies. What is that about? Does she think I am that stupid? So anyway, Im trying to find a way out of this hell from this vampire without abandoning my kids. Unfortunatley the assaults wont count too much in US state courts. SO sad is that I still love her. I know this is a TOXIC situation and may have to decide to leave my kids with her in order to break. It's really good to see a website like this thats looks at many different aspects of this sickness. Any help would be appreciated!!!
  • Claude  - My Story cont...
    What is this about telling lies that they don't even believe? I read a love letter she writes her boyfriend saying she is "in love". I point this out and she say "I am not really in love. I meant it another way." I try to point out you wouldn't tell your mother, brother, or child that but to deaf ears. I catch a reciept to a club dated ata certain time, but it's not hers. It just magically makes it's way into our bedroom floor. But its not hers bc I didnt see her at the club. Didnt care if she was. I care she lied about it. The list goes on....But what makes a person so determined to not get caught or be right to point of illogical behaviour like this? Its abuse in a way....
  • Carrie  - the lying about everything!!!
    Claude, I know exactly what you are talking about. My ex would lie about the stupidest things, things I wouldn't have been angry about if he'd just told the truth. When they lie you can't help but get suspicious about what they were doing.
    Whenever I did catch my N in a lie, he would deny deny deny even when I had hard evidence. Like one time he used my laptop and forgot to sign out. I went on the check my email and his email popped up instead. I didn't realize at first and as I am scanning my in box I see "Your new love matches" from Plenty of Fish. I thought " I don't belong to POF" then I looked closer and it was his. After he had promised in tears to get out of there if I would give him one more chance. Because he hadn't signed out I was able to check his correspondence, his favorites list etc he was trucking at the time and I found out he had made plans to meet one woman when he got back to Calgary. He used the same lines on every woman. That he believed in following his gut instincts and he had a gut feeling they were meant to be together. I sent each of the women each other's letters and then I made copies of all his emails to these women, about 10 of them. I confronted him and he denied it. I shook the papers in his face and said " its all right here!" He said it was from a long time ago¤ I said they are dated!! He said he didn't remember emailing any of those women. What can a person do when they just refuse to admit it? I would just give up.
  • joylynn33
    I know how you feel and I have delt with this over 10years. I wish I could have those years back and have a man that loves me and not the games that they play. I have cried to myself to sleep and saying what could have went wrong. I have made up in my mind and heart that I love me more and I don't deserve this abuse
  • Ann  - Thank you..
    23 yearslater, I appreciate your post. Your right every situation is different and time has a way of healing what is..
    My partner has made his choices, we all make our choices just as I have chosen to stay all these years and endure..
    The steps are already moving along as they should be, I dont really have to do to much as it is all unfolding just the way god intends.
    He has shown me that this is life with him and I on the other hand am not here to change anyone and turn them into something that they cannot be.
    Yes I agree on the kids thing, he loves his kids as I do also but it we cannot find a common ground and are doing damage to these children than the end result only leads to one thing and that is to live separate from both parents in order for them to experience a happy and full life.
    My first priority in this life is to make sure that I give all my children the best start in there life and that is going to be my mission.
    It is sad that it cannot be with both their parents but I have 2 older boys and I left their dad for alot less.
    Thank you for all your good wishes and today should be a happy day with love and family however, my partner is on the couch like a wet cat slothing and ignoring all of us as I have been distant due to my deciding not to take heartache any more so we are spending a xmas day doing what we did yesterday and the day before that.
    I did spend the morning with the kids opening presents and building leggo :)
    No I am not trying to fix us although that thought briefly enters my mind and now leaves quick. I feel pity and sorry for him as he is sick.

    Happy Holdiays
    To All!
    Ann
  • 23yearslater  - Steps
    Ann - I don't know if you can work on yourself and stay in the same house. I didn't even realize 'what' I had to work on until I was able to be separate for a while. When I was still with him I was trying to fix us. I tried the "lets give each other space" mode for a couple of months but it just seemed to make things more tense because they weren't right, they weren't as they normally are, and they weren't resolved. Obviously your guy may make different choices than mine so maybe you will have a different result. I would still be with my husband today if there had been anyway for me to continue to endure. When his behavior started affecting my kids so badly I KNEW I had to save them from years of tension and tiptoeing around Daddy. I believe that God has directed my steps in order to prepare me for the ultimate separation I am now finalizing. Our divorce will more than likely be final within a couple of weeks. UUUUGGGGHHHH! Not what I wanted my life to be. I will pray for you Ann that God will also direct your steps and that you will somehow find comfort in or out of this relationship. XOXO
  • Ann  - Steps..
    Well, 23 yearslater I guess you are right in saying that its steps. This makes sense as I have been noticing since joining this site a month ago that the sex died down due to affairs etc. He still wants it just not with me. I worry about him being violent so I pussy foot around most of the time but do still manage to be passive towrds him and he has taken a sharp turn for the "oh my she is getting on without me" look..he is now working on me ever so carefully and this is what my step is going to be..unlike before I am going to demand on my SPACE if he cannot allow me this than Im going to tell him its over..I am buying myself time so that I dont need to have him work on me one more time. Im done!
    If anyone knows on the best way to keep a NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY off your back while living in the same house when there trying to work on your inner emotions PLEASE HELP!
    Annxx :evil:
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