___________ 

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

Manipulating a narcissist

Once you understand what narcissism is all about, it is quite easy to manipulate a narcissist to do what you want. Above all else, a narcissist is seeking for admiration. To be aware of this can be a powerful tool.

The thing a narcissist fears the most is the feeling of not being in control. If you make a narcissist believe he or she is in control, you can pull the strings of a narcissist and make a narcissist do whatever you want. It will give you the feeling of strength and power and increases your self-confidence when you feel you are in control of the situation instead of other way around.     

Think of a narcissist as someone who is mentally invalid. Narcissists are not sadistic. Deep inside narcissists do not mean to harm their victims, they simply are lacking the necessary tools to understand how other person is feeling in a given situation. Narcissists see themselves as omnipotent, all-mighty beings, therefore it is impossible that they could do something wrong. The fault is always in someone else.

If you learn to manipulate a narcissist it is easier for you to heal yourself, since you start to see a narcissist as he or she really is. If you wish to read about the methods I used to teach my mind and brain to get rid of the "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, visit page Recovery After Cheating. If you wish to use your experiences of cheating and narcissism to help people around the world and generate income while doing it, visit page Use Your Experiences to Help People.  

If you want something from a narcissist

If there is something you want from a narcissist, it is very easy to pull the right strings if you understand the simple mechanisms of the mind of a narcissist. The key things are praise, admiration and unconditional love. When a narcissist believes you are giving these things to him or her, a narcissist becomes blind to everything else.

Try this out and you will see how well it works. Even if your "loving" phrases and admiration would be completely transparent act to anyone with clear mind, a narcissist is buying it all without blinking an eye. Better yet, you will feel better when you know that it is YOU who is in control. A narcissist is like a small child and you are a parent. You let a narcissist believe that he or she is in control because you can afford to do it. You know the truth about who is controlling and what.

As you keep doing this, you start to see a narcissist as someone who is not that interesting, exciting and charming after all, since he or she is acting like a child, buying all that sweet crap you are feeding him or her. The reason you fell in love with a narcissist was because you saw him or her as something very special, interesting, charming and you felt lucky that you had found someone so unique, who also "loved" you back. When you start to see a narcissist as emotionally immature child, your attitude towards a narcissist will change. A narcissist starts to appear more like an amusing character, who inspires more pity than heartache.

How to separate from a narcissist and come out as a winner

If you are separating from a narcissist, do not harbor thoughts of revenge. If you try to revenge, a narcissist will only turn against you and shows no mercy. You end up being in a battle with a narcissist and that is not the place where you want to be. If a narcissist thinks you no longer love him or her, you will immediately become an insignificant character to a narcissist. At that point a narcissist simply moves on to find another prey.

If you try to heal your broken heart by getting even with a narcissist and getting your revenge, be prepared for merciless resistance. A narcissist will get furious if you try to complicate his or her life in any way and since a narcissist no longer cares for you after the relationship has ended, he or she might really make your life miserable. Do not take that risk.

Instead, make it into your goal to come out of the situation as a winner. What exactly means "winner" in this case? Winner is the person who is getting what he or she wants. A narcissist wants you to be heartbroken over him or her, since that boosts the fragile ego of a narcissist. You only wish your suffering will end.

You can achieve this goal by becoming the one who is in control. Let a narcissist believe you still love him or her "desperately". You can for example send emails in which you tell about your "deep emotions" towards a narcissist even after a narcissist has been acting cruel towards you. When a narcissist receives your emails, he or she will become happy as a small child, who not only got a candy but who got a candy that was meant for his or her sibling.

Narcissists feel happiness when they feel someone else has lost something and is feeling miserable. When a narcissist feels another person is miserable because he or she was no longer able to receive the larger-than-life love of a narcissist, that is the best feeling of all, since that "proves" to a narcissist that he or she TRULY is a fantastic and magnificent person, since you are now totally crushed only because you can no longer be with a narcissist. Let a narcissist think like this and let yourself enjoy the feeling of power, when you know you are merely fooling the poor creature.

When you are now holding the leash and a narcissist is believing he or she is in total control, it is easy for you to make a narcissist "work for you" instead of other way around. If there is something you want from a narcissist, a narcissist will grant your wishes more easily when a narcissist can think of himself or herself as a "generous" being who is doing something "good" for you, and when a narcissist believes that your love, attachment and longing towards a narcissist will only increase as a result of his or her acts.

Narcissists are never giving anything away for free. But now a narcissist believes that by giving something away a narcissist will actually gain something (narcissists think they will strengthen their power over you and as a result your desperate love, longing and admiration towards them will increase and their narcissistic supply will not run out). But you know better than that. In the end you are the one who wins, you get what you want, while a narcissist only gets pathetic, unreal illusions.

When you start to see a narcissist in this kind of a new light, as someone who is mentally very weak and easy to manipulate, you start to heal from your "addiction" to a narcissist. You will realize that there is nothing in that person to love and admire. A narcissist starts to appear as a pathetic, sad, even humorous figure. You soon find yourself wondering how you could ever have fallen for someone like that.

If you wish to read about the ways I used to teach my mind and brain to let go of my narcissistic spouse, visit page Recovery After Cheating. If you wish to use your experiences of cheating and narcissism to help people around the world and generate income while doing it, visit page Use Your Experiences to Help People. To read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity.

I created this website to help those who are dealing with narcissists and / or cheating in their relationship. If you wish to read more about me and my background, please go to page Site Overview. From Site Overview you can read short description of contents of this site and you find out how to contact me. If you are interested in topics related to cheating, narcissism, mind and brain, please feel free to read my blog. Blog is being updated on daily basis. In case you want to learn about ways I used to train my mind to let go of narcissistic, please visit pages Control Your Emotions and Recovery After Cheating. If you are in relationship with a narcissistic mental abuser, I believe you will find useful information from this site that will help you to heal. You can also go to other sections of this site by clicking Main Menu links (left bar).

- Maria

You can contact me by clicking This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it  

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• |2009-10-23 16:42:07 Elsa
  My husband is narcissistic. I am depressed and unhappy but it is difficult to leave, I am financially dependent on him. I have noticed that his behavior is predictable and that I can control him to some extent by using the right words in the right place etc. But it is a constant struggle, and many times I fail, and feel more and more depressed... I do not think I can live my life like this in a long run. I want to be happy, not sad, tired and depressed, constantly...
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• |2010-01-24 15:41:59 Anonymous  - Divorcing a narcissist
  I have been dispirited by a narcissist for 22 years. He abandoned me after establishing an entire new life with his Russian translator over a period of 4 years. I was addicted to him. I groveled and begged for his return. He told me if he made love to me, his wife, he would be cheating on his girlfriend. He was no longer "in love" with me but was now "in love" with his girlfriend. He did tell me he could always have gratuitous sex with me for $50K. I was told all this along with my dismissal from his favors by email.
  
  I was blind-sighted. He had had his vasectomy reversed years before my dismissal while on a business trip with his new "supply". I never knew about the surgery. He told me "any way you look at this, JoAnn, you are screwed". When I asked why he would say such a cruel remark to me he remarked that I was screwed because I no longer had him. He told me I would probably never recover from this.
  
  Well, I am now in the process of a divorce. He has all the power and the money and is overseas while I am in the US. His assets are hidden very well in Russian bank accounts.
  
  Thanks to this website, I have learned how I need to behave in order to come out of this intact financially. I thank him for all of his generosity and speak well of him to his business associates. I want to get as far away from this sick person as quickly as possible but I know I must kowtow to him all the way out the door.
  
  It scared the daylights out of me when he got angry with the humiliation of me discovering about his surgery. He is now pissed because the divorce was not fast enough for his set timeline. I continue to apologize and thank him for his patience. He's been such a great husband and provider and I am still so deeply in love with him. I tell him his new girlfriend is so lucky to have him. Yada, yada, yada.
  
  I make myself sick listening to this but I am totally dependent on him for my settlement. I've had to give my attorney insight into the type of personality we are dealing with and to please bear with me. Wish me luck. I only hope I never encounter another relationship like this again. Evil comes wrapped in a pretty package.
  
  
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• |2009-11-08 10:46:14 Maria
  Dear Friend,
  
  Thank you for your message. I am sorry you had to go through something so devastating. I am glad you have found help from this website. Yes, you are handling the situation in a right way. As you can see, it is quite easy to manipulate a narcissist if he believes you are "desperately" in love with him. This way you have become a "second" supply for him. Your ex husband feels powerful and desired when two women "love him like crazy". This is serving your interests. It is yet another ego boost for your ex husband when he can think he is being "good" and "generous" and "fair" to you. You of course can see past this smoke screen and realize there is nothing "fair" in his actions, him telling you he would cheat on his girlfriend if he had sex with you and all such things. That is incredibly insulting and cruel talk, it is impossible to comprehend that this man has shared a big portion of his life with you and after all that he can talk to you this way and treat you this way.
  
  Keep on manipulating your ex husband as you have been doing, at this point you do not have to think what is "fair" for him and what is not. You need to secure your own future. Your ex husband has already caused you enough pain and problems.
  
  Warm thoughts,
  Maria
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• |2010-01-24 15:37:59 Rocky  - Need to manipulate out of her manipulation
  I was married to an N for 9 years and now going through the process of divorce. She has always had such grandiose ideas about how she could get away with anything. Unfortunately, her looks and her intelligence have allowed her to do just that. I knew about 4 years into the marriage that she didn't think the same way as other people when it came to just the strangest things.
  
  Over time, she has manipulated, cheated and literally caused me to question every part about myself. During our marriage, she forced me to move away from my family and friends to another state so she could be closer to an old boyfriend and carry on an affair she was having more easily. Since then I have caught her in numerous lies and too many things to recount here. It was only until a few months ago when I confronted her with the most recent humiliation of her escapades that she once again said that she was done, had been faking our relationship and was moving out.
  
  I am now stuck a thousand miles from where I want to be physically. We have children, so custody and moving, etc. are not an easy option if she wants to stay here with her now newest "love". She has totally broken from me, I believe, and is totally fixated on this new person like I have not seen previously so I really think that I am of no use to her anymore other than through the children.
  
  How could I possibly manipulate her into moving back where we met, where I want to be, where she is also from? It's a tough enough job to work this out, let alone let it be her idea.
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• |2009-11-17 12:09:37 Maria
  Dear Rocky,
  
  Thank you for your message. I am sorry to hear about your situation. You have been through a lot with this person. You have been mistreated by your wife in so many different ways, you have moved to another state for her, you have literally tried everything you can to make things work between the two of you. It is not your fault that things have not worked out. She has made the most crucial decisions on her own (she decided to lie to you and cheat you). Those decisions determined the course of your relationship.
  
  As I say in the above article, it is possible to manipulate a narcissist to do what you want, if you know how to pull the right strings. A narcissist is always looking for the excitement and thrill. That is why their relationships usually do not last very long and they often end up cheating on their partners. Your wife has now become very excited of this new person. At this moment, when the peak of the excitement is sharpest, it is very difficult to influence her. If I understood your message correctly, you wish you could convince her to move back to where you used to live. That is a tough job at this moment. She is now overwhelmed by her "strong emotions" toward the new lover and I think she will not move away from him unless he joins her. The only way I imagine she would move at this time is if he will move along. I do not know if that is a realistic possibility.
  
  You have been involved with a person who has not been treating you well and who has been lying to you and cheating on you. Do not blame yourself for staying with her this long. You were in love with her, that made you stay. But now it is time for you to find yourself again and to let go of the past. This woman could never make you happy. Even if she gets tired with her new lover and gets back together with you, you could never trust her. You would always feel insecure and would wait when she will do these things again. You would live a life filled with anxiety, depression, insecurity and sadness. I do not wish that for you. Please stay strong!!
  
  I wish to support you any way I can. Please feel free to write to me and let me know how things are going with you.
  
  Warm hug,
  Maria
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• |2009-12-13 00:34:51 Tonya
  This is the first time i have responded to anything but I have been in a relationship with a N for 2/12 years. He is very good at hiding who he is or at least at 1st. His behavior I just thought to be odd till I got pregnant and went to deliver our child. I have a brain illness and have had massive brain surgery so it was complicated. He turned on me and tried to tell me this is not working out and kept walking out on me when I had an important decision to make about the delivery of our child. He said I need to make him a father before he was a grandfather.
  
  I was devastated. I suspected him of cheating with his friends girlfriend. Once I had that baby he treated me like crap. He then started to get very short tempered with the baby and said he squeezed him after being mean to our 10 month old and the kid got sick, was coughing weird. Turned out he just had crupe but after he admitted to squeezing the baby and that he needed help. He lied to child protection services of course so they dropped it.
  
  I have gained so much knowledge now and am currently in therapy. Also learning all I can about abuse so now he does not have any power over me. I left for a day when child protection services came. Also through reading a lot of his writings I am pretty sure he has another child with his x who ran from him and left state and got married.
  
  The thing is I cannot confront him yet, You know what happens when you do that, they rage. Instead we went to therapy and he raged and the therapist told me there is no hope. This dude tested me by saying if he abuses me or the baby anymore that I can leave. I smiled with delight and said OK, sounds great to me. It is now almost funny. I have slowly, painfully delivered to him that I know who and what he is. He wont say a word. He is now scared. His work slows down a lot and he needs me. I just do my therapy and go to abuse support groups and told him straight. You stop your abuse or I WILL! He kept calling me downstairs saying are you going to be here when I get back. He everyday almost tries to convince me that he is such a wonderful man and how he cant be without me. All I see is someone who can all the sudden not abuse me anymore, funny, so why did he do it before. He wont allow us to speak of the past of course but im sure he is catching on that I DONT CARE! He crossed the line with me and he screwed up and underestimated me.
  
  The best thing you can do is learn. That is power and now if he tries to abuse me by gaslighting or whatever I just laugh. What I have learned is when he gets on these fits about how he hates liars or something that he is actually lying. I just hear the opposite. I must say that I dont know for certain that he is a full blown N but it does not matter to me. You have to be a POS to treat anyone this way. I now have a cps case against him, I have documented all of his behavior, everything for 6 months. I took him to therapy because I knew he did not mean it when he cried that he could have hurt his baby. NOPE!
  
  I have detached myself. You must do this. Once you do that they cant hurt you anymore. Anyway he raged in therapy so now I have therapy notes or at least I know that he will write me a recommendation. I am so patient and I can just somewhat go along with his BS and put on a good act. All the while I have been setting him up because he said one day to me that he was glad I was not a BIT--. Or he would have to fight for custody. I sometimes say to him, for instance, work on his self esteem. He bought new gym pants, I ask did you buy those for work...or..the...gym? Just as he has done to me. Trying to lower my self esteem. All I can say is 2 can play this game. He told me after I was upset one day because for the 2 anniversaries that we had I got nothing, no card. When I asked him about it I got screamed at and called all sorts of names. And since he has nothing on me, he said YOUR NOT A LEADER...ok... Point is I am showing him who the leader is. He knows I am waiting for one more slip from him and I am outta there.
  
  I know I sound not much better than him now but I am mad.. I have taken enough and I will not have my child subjected to anymore of this behavior. Mr N is an angel now even though I know it is temporary. It has bought me time to strengthen myself and get ready to go! Last it almost works when he is so good. Almost but please tell me again not to trust it, someone tell me.. I know keep my guard up, always!
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• |2009-12-13 17:32:32 Maria
  Dear Tonya,
  
  Thank you for your message. I am sorry for what you have been through with this man. I am happy that you found my website and decided to write here, your story will help others who are in a similar situation to see their situation more clearly.
  
  It sounds like you are indeed dealing with a narcissistic person. I am glad to hear you have been searching for information and realize the fault is not in you. It is good that you have been able to detach yourself from him mentally. You are right, that way he cannot hurt you. I know it can be hard to stay strong when he is being sweet to you and trying to get under your skin again. In a long run if you stay with him, your life will be a constant balancing between suffering and emotional coldness (due to detachment)... You cannot afford to let your guards down and start to have warm emotions towards him again, because he only ends up hurting you. I am happy you wrote that you already understand this. Due to this, I feel it would be best for you to move out if you can. As I said (and as you also know based on your message), you cannot have a happy life with this man. So why waste your time? I believe you would be much happier if you did not have to suppress your feelings (mental detachment you wrote about). It is not healthy in a long run to live in that kind of situation. I really wish you could remove this element from your life that is preventing you from being happy (your narcissistic spouse).
  
  Please feel free to write to me anytime you want! You find my email address above. Please remember that you are not alone.
  
  Warm hug,
  Maria
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• |2010-01-24 16:24:27 kittykat17  -  I may be with a narcissist.
  After reading these comments I recognize a lot of the same characteristics in the man that I am currently living with. He was and is very charming and he thinks of himself as a King and he and I have been together for 2yrs now. He has changed so much. I don't have solid proof that he has cheated on me but my gut says so. And he holds a high position at his job and works with very attractive loose women.
  
  He seems to always be trying to fight with me about the kids or something even as small as not using sanitizer water when doing the dishes and even more absurd things. He has gone into rages with me and even threatened to punch me in my face. He thankfully hasn't hit me to this day. I have learned to walk on eggshells and also to be busy with something else or just avoid spending time with him for the sake of less stress.
  
  Sometimes he can be very loving but after he is that way then suddenly he is cold and distant and he tends to start looking at porn again,working late and arguing with me over the most trivial things. It makes me feel like shutting off from him completely, but when I do that he also gets furious or says I don't love him at all. These days I can rarely talk with him without there being a argument and I suspect hes either talking to his ex wife again or he is seeing some new gal. Because he always tries to find reasons for me to leave the house or for him to. And he seems to have picked up weird habits from someone he is seeing. The girl can't be too smart. I suspect they do drugs together because he does drugs constantly and he drinks everyday. He calls it his medicine.
  
  I don't know if he is a true narcissist or if he has another problem. But it has caused me severe pain and isolation and it seems he doesn't care how I feel at all about it. Just curious if he is a narcissist. I love him and I don't want to leave him but if hes not gonna change and only get worse maybe I should. Im 38 yrs old and I don't have time to be wasting on a cheating lying narcissist. It's too bad that there are men like this and we don't see it till it's too late.Too bad they don't have a sign on their head that says..."Narcissist I Wont ever change"! Hopefully you can shed some light on what Im dealing with so I can make some new choices for the New Year.
  
  Thank,you
  And Merry X-mas
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• |2010-03-03 21:30:16 Maria
  Dear Friend,
  
  I am sorry to hear about your situation. In the end it does not matter if this man is a narcissist or not, the fact is that he is making you feel miserable and depressed. You are also suspecting that he is seeing other women. In the same time you say you love him and wish to stay with him. I can understand your feelings. It is so very hard to let go of a narcissistic partner. Please read this article of addiction to a narcissist, it will help you to see your situation in a new light: link:http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/narcissism/detaching-from-narcissist.html
  
  You are not really in love with this person who is treating you this way, instead you have become addicted to him. If you imagine life without him, you experience the withdrawal symptoms. Please read also this article, I believe you find it interesting:
  link:http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/narcissism/how-to-leave-narcissist.html
  
  Dear Friend, based on your message it is clear that you love this man. But in the same time he is making you miserable. You must analyze your situation and decide is it worth the mental suffering to stay with this man. You alone can make that decision. Whatever you decide to do, remember that you are not alone. Please write to me anytime you feel like it.
  
  Hug,
  Maria
  
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• |2010-01-24 16:27:21 Deej0602
  Marie - You provide a wonderful service here on this website. I am living with a totally maladaptive narcissist and have spent the better part of the last year learning about this malady.
  
  I married my N just about two years ago and am in the process of leaving this situation that will have no resolution. I have become stronger, secured his financial help because I was 'clueless' about how to do it myself, (perfect example of how handing over the reigns and manipulating the N to believe he has the power) and am now ready to cut the strings and start over. I know the things he says about and to me are not true, I know my self-worth and am convinced that I have no value in his life - other than to be validation that he, in fact, has a normal life to anyone observing him from the outside. Rageaholism followed by silence for days, (simply rage turned inward) confirms for me that he has found new source(s) for his distorted view of wonderful self.
  
  I have come to love his family and will do nothing to cause him more narcissistic injury than to leave. I will state that I believe his problem is unresolved anger, that I hope they would encourage him to seek help for that, (as I have) but find the roadmap to understanding this disease too complicated to share without being self-serving.
  
  I will state that my reason for calling it a day is because of uncontrolled anger. While he has never physically abused me, I feel that escalation is here and that it could become a possibility. They can fill in the blanks - or not - but if they were truthful, they know that he is not mentally and emotionally healthy.
  
  I am in a long line of people who have unsuccessfully charted these waters of trying to have a relationship with him. And you are right. I often look at him as a humorous cartoon character and refer to him as my resident neanderthal. It is no laughing matter that he has not convinced me of my unworthiness as a human being, but his continuous assault to try to dehumanize me will be unrelenting. I love the poor, sad, six year old I see when he rages and pulls back. But I am unsatisfied that I cannot have an adult relationship that is fulfilling with him.
  
  I looked at our wedding pictures of just two years ago - random shots taken on a walking tour of the most beautiful sites in Rome, Italy. In each picture, he was gazing at the camera - not at me. His beauty of course reflected back to him each time he looked at them. From those moments, I should have known. Bless you for the help.
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• |2010-03-03 21:45:57 Maria
  Dear Friend,
  
  Thank you for your beautifully written message. I am so glad to hear you are on your way out of the relationship that is making you feel miserable and depressed. Based on the things you mention in your message, I strongly believe you have done the right decision.
  
  I know how hard it is to give up on a marriage and to admit one simply cannot make it work. You have hit the core of the matter when you wrote: "I love the poor, sad, six year old I see when he rages and pulls back. But I am unsatisfied that I cannot have an adult relationship that is fulfilling with him". This is very beautifully said and summarizes the problem so well. We feel "obliged" to stay with the six year old, we feel pity towards the poor creature who does not know any better but to behave badly. These are normal emotions in people who have normal emotional capabilities.
  
  But when we think like this, we fall in to a deadly trap, for it is not a child we are dealing with, it is an adult, who can really hurt us with his (or her) cold and cruel behavior. It is true that a child often does not know any better. But a narcissist is an adult. The problem is that a narcissist cannot put himself or herself into the shoes of another person and therefore ends up behaving in a cold and selfish way. If we feel pity and feel sorry for a narcissist, we end up spending our whole life trying to help, support and understand a narcissist, slowly getting older, sad and depressed in a process. In the end of the day it is absolutely NOT worth it.
  
  Dear Friend, let me say again: You have done the RIGHT decision. Thank you again for your beautiful message. It is giving hope to those who are still struggling to break free.
  
  Warm hug,
  Maria
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• |2010-02-05 19:37:06 kiki  - Can Narcissist be Manipulated after Revenge Mode?
  I made the huge mistake during my divorce of humiliating and angering my ex just once-- in retaliation, he took our children (ages 7 and 9) from me. He "graciously" allows me to see them 2 weekends a month. I have no telephone contact with them as he just will not answer the phone when I call. Of course the children are not allowed to use the phone on their own, he does not give them access to it.
  
  My question is, can I go back to being important enough to him so that I can manipulate him into giving my children back? If I had only found your site while I was in the process of my divorce-- I would have ended up much better I am sure.
  
  I worry that it is too late, that the damage has been done and he will not warm up to my compliments, that I am on his permanent revenge list.
  
  Should I just go full force with what a fool I was to leave him and how I miss him so? Or do I start out slower, maybe complimenting him on his care of the children? Any help or advice would be appreciated.
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• |2010-02-24 19:11:04 Susan
  Marie, Your help is possibly the BEST I have seen to date for those people who cannot just walk out of a relationship with a narcissist. There is nothing else out there that tells you the best way to deal with the wrath, and how to cope until you can figure out what to do.. I cannot thank you enough for taking your situation, and turning it into help for others. Dealing with this can make you question your own sanity.
  
  The thing that has me distressed is the fact that I feel I have to become the same manipulative, controlling person in the process. It goes against every grain of my being, and so unauthentic to myself to have to behave and think in this manner, yet relieved mentally at the same time. I suppose in the long run if it brings peace, and less mental torture to myself it is worth doing. I just do not want it to become a way of life for me as I think it is terribly distorted. And also very sad that I have to do this with someone that was considered my life partner.
  
  With that said, I do appreciate the advice, and have to admit that it brought mental and physical relief. Or at the very least bides me some time to figure out what to do while trying to maintain some level of peace in my life. For that I remain extremely grateful to you, and the service you are providing. I hope to do the same for others some day.
  
  With the warmest regards,
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• |2010-03-03 22:21:33 Maria
  Dear Susan,
  
  Thank you for your encouraging comments regarding this website, I really appreciate them! Messages like this gie me motivation and energy to carry on doing this work.
  
  You are right in everything you say in your message. We should never truly become like narcissists in our attempt to manipulate them. However, sometimes the quality of our life after leaving a narcissist depends directly or indirectly on how well we can "handle" a narcissist and manipulate a narcissist to do the right thing instead of trying to revenge on us. Sadly this sometimes requires us to momentarily "sink down" to the level of a narcissist. However, when our goal has been reached, we should immediately quit behaving in a manipulative way so that it will not become a norm for us. It is very good that you brought this important point up. Thank you.
  
  I wish you all the best. Separation is always a very sad thing. Allow yourself to feel sadness. Ending a relationship is like a small death. But after the grieving process has ended, there will be sunshine again. Deaf Friend, trust me: You WILL get over this. That is absolutely certain.
  
  Warm hug,
  Maria
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• |2010-03-03 22:12:13 Maria
  Dear Kiki,
  
  I am so sorry to hear about your difficult situation. You probably felt hurt and were not thinking of the consequences when you humiliated your husband. Please do not blame yourself of that.
  
  It is natural for a narcissistic person to seek revenge after being humiliated. Sadly your husband is now using your children as his weapon. It is difficult to know how he would react if you would suddenly change your attitude and behave as if you miss him and care for him so much. If you tell him those things, if he is a narcissist (which is impossible to know without knowing the person) he will feel joy when he thinks you are missing him and feeling miserable because you cannot be with him. This may eventually make him change his mind about you and letting you see the children. However, if or when this might happen is not certain.
  
  If you think your ex husband will realize you are acting when you are telling him how much you miss him, then I do not recommend you to pretend. It will only make matters worse. However, it would definitely be good to make the relationship with your ex husband a bit more warm, if it is possible.
  
  You could write to him a letter (or say to him in person) telling that you humiliated him because you felt so hurt, and you felt so hurt because you loved him so much. You can apologize several times that you humiliated him. If you really wish to make an effort, you could even send an email (with cc to your ex) to some of those people who were aware of the humiliation and apologize your "childish" behavior. This will boost your husband's self-esteem. Obs! Only do these things if you feel 100% comfortable with them. Do not do them if there is even a slightest risk that you might feel sorry afterward.
  
  It is not certain that your husband will become more friendly towards you even if you do these things. But there is no harm in trying. You can also avoid talking about meeting the children for a while, so that he does not connect your humble behavior towards him to the fact that you want to see them.
  
  I wish you the best, Dear Friend. You are not alone. Write to me anytime you want.
  
  Hug,
  Maria
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• |2010-02-06 13:16:16 Anonymous  - confused
  I never thought that this condition existed. I have taken mental health classes as a nurse and all the pieces fit. That I am with an N. He established an emotional affair claiming that nothing "physical" happened when I found him out. Trying to blame his straying on a week and half of me and my 2 month at the time being ill... that I got lazy and gave up because the dishes weren't done everyday and thanksgiving dinner wasn't done when he got home from his football weekend. I then found evidence that his relationship with another started while I was still 6 months pregnant.
  
  I never thought he would cheat and trusted him with my heart when he told me of one meeting before I outed him that she was just a friend and he was helping her. Really she was feeding his ego telling him how badly she wanted him. I continue to try and tried even before I found out about the emotional affair but I just never measured up or still don't measure up to his standards. He gets completely ruthless and believes he is right to the fullest over small instances. I've even called the police when he locked me out for being half hour late on when I said I would be home. He can freak out on simple things like dishes, chores, point of view, for no reason at all accept that he thinks hes right and therefor I'm 100% wrong. There is no meeting him in the middle although he says he is the compromising person when it comes down to it. Our house is by 2 standards... those that I should abide by according to him and those that he feels he deserves and sees no wrong in being totally hypocritical... most of the time. The only way I can get him to see my point of view is to start off with huge amounts of praise over a similar instance than asking if I did whatever how would you feel than turning it around in a nice way so that I can get him to see my point of view or able to do a fraction of what he thinks he is entitled to.
  
  After reading a few pages of your site I almost feel relieved that I know what I'm dealing with... I'm a giving person as long as I feel I'm met half way. I now realize that testing the boundaries is a normal reaction for him to do that he truly feels entitle to the world of our relationship. I will not bow to his will but will continue to hue my skills to make him see it from my point of view before doing something that 'sets' him off. Once he is in the 'moody' set of mind I don't have a chance so it will take a lot of work as any other relationship. I hope he fulfills my emotional needs with my 'manipulation' and help him become the person he and I and our daughter deserve and know he can be.
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• |2010-03-03 22:24:17 Spartens25  - re: Need to manipulate out of her manipulation
  
  I was married to an N for 9 years and now going through the process of divorce. She has always had such grandiose ideas about how she could get away with anything. Unfortunately, her looks and her intelligence have allowed her to do just that. I knew about 4 years into the marriage that she didn't think the same way as other people when it came to just the strangest things.
  
  Over time, she has manipulated, cheated and literally caused me to question every part about myself. During our marriage, she forced me to move away from my family and friends to another state so she could be closer to an old boyfriend and carry on an affair she was having more easily. Since then I have caught her in numerous lies and too many things to recount here. It was only until a few months ago when I confronted her with the most recent humiliation of her escapades that she once again said that she was done, had been faking our relationship and was moving out.
  
  I am now stuck a thousand miles from where I want to be physically. We have children, so custody and moving, etc. are not an easy option if she wants to stay here with her now newest "love". She has totally broken from me, I believe, and is totally fixated on this new person like I have not seen previously so I really think that I am of no use to her anymore other than through the children.
  
  How could I possibly manipulate her into moving back where we met, where I want to be, where she is also from? It's a tough enough job to work this out, let alone let it be her idea.
  
  Rocky - I am so sorry for your pain. Believe me when I say I know it. I thought my girlfriend of 15 years was the love of my life. My soul mate. I was devastated to learn she was cheating on me. There can be no trust again. I am seeking professional help to regain my self esteem. Run do not walk from this toxic influence as painful as it might be. We will both be better in the long run.
  
  Stay strong!!
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