|
___________
The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
Manipulating a narcissist
Once you understand what narcissism is all about, it is quite easy to manipulate a narcissist to do what you want. OBS! The matters discussed in this article are aimed to help one to break free from a narcissist, not to maintain a relationship with one. It makes no sense to boost the ego of a narcissist if one intends to remain together with him or her, that would lead to a paradoxical situation in which a narcissist keeps behaving badly and the victim of a narcissist remains unhappy. There are, however, situations in which one is trying to leave a narcissist and a narcissist is making matters very difficult. In such a situation it is good to be able to "manipulate" a narcissist to behave the way you wish instead of complicating matters further. Having said this very important point, let us now discuss how one can influence a narcissistic person.
Above all else, a narcissist is seeking for admiration. To be aware of this can be a powerful tool. The thing a narcissist fears the most is the feeling of not being in control. If you make a narcissist believe he or she is in control, you can pull the strings of a narcissist and make a narcissist do whatever you want. It will give you the feeling of strength and power and increases your self-confidence during a difficult separation process when you feel you are in control of the situation instead of other way around.
Think of a narcissist as someone who is mentally invalid. Narcissists are not sadistic. Deep inside narcissists do not mean to harm their victims, they simply are lacking the necessary tools to understand how other person is feeling in a given situation. Narcissists see themselves as omnipotent, all-mighty beings, therefore it is impossible that they could do something wrong. The fault is always in someone else.
If you learn to manipulate a narcissist it is easier for you to heal yourself after the separation, since you start to see a narcissist as he or she really is. If you wish to read about the methods I used to teach my mind and brain to get rid of the "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, visit page Recovery After Cheating. If you have been feeling depressed or anxious due to the problems in your relationship, visit this page to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind to recover: Training the Brain.
If you want something from a narcissist
 If you are separating from a narcissist and there is something you want him or her to do, it is easier to pull the right strings if you understand the simple mechanisms of the mind of a narcissist. The key things are praise, admiration and unconditional love. When a narcissist believes you are giving these things to him or her, a narcissist becomes blind to everything else and is more willing to be "kind" to you instead of complicating matters further.
Try this out and you will see how well it works. Instead of trying to make a narcissist see your point, tell him or her how wonderful person he or she is, how much you have loved him or her during the relationship etc. Even if your "loving" phrases and admiration would be completely transparent act to anyone with clear mind, in most cases a narcissist is buying it all without blinking an eye. Better yet, you will feel better when you know that it is YOU who is in control. A narcissist is like a small child and you are a parent. You let a narcissist believe that he or she is in control because you can afford to do it. You know the truth about who is controlling and what. Remember that it is not a good idea to keep behaving like this on permanent basis in your relationship if you have decided to remain together with a narcissist, because this will only boost the ego of a narcissist and hence in a long run will make matters harder for you: Who would want to live permanently with a narcissist who's ego has totally blown out of proportion?
As you keep experimenting with "praise" tactic, you start to see a narcissist as someone who is not that interesting, exciting and charming after all, since he or she is acting like a child, believing your admiring phrases no matter how transparent they are. The reason you fell in love with a narcissist was because you saw him or her as something very special, interesting, charming and you felt lucky that you had found someone so unique, who also "loved" you back. When you start to see a narcissist as emotionally immature child, your attitude towards a narcissist will change. A narcissist starts to appear more like an amusing character, who inspires more pity than heartache.
How to separate from a narcissist and come out as a winner
If you are separating from a narcissist, do not harbor thoughts of revenge. If you try to revenge, a narcissist will only turn against you and shows no mercy. You end up being in a battle with a narcissist and that is not the place where you want to be. If a narcissist thinks you no longer love him or her, you will immediately become an insignificant character to a narcissist. At that point a narcissist simply moves on to find another prey.
If you try to heal your broken heart by getting even with a narcissist and getting your revenge, be prepared for merciless resistance. A narcissist will get furious if you try to complicate his or her life in any way and since a narcissist no longer cares for you after the relationship has ended, he or she might really make your life miserable. Do not take that risk.
 Instead, make it into your goal to come out of the situation as a winner. What exactly means "winner" in this case? Winner is the person who is getting what he or she wants. A narcissist wants you to be heartbroken over him or her, since that boosts the fragile ego of a narcissist. You only wish your suffering will end.
You can achieve this goal by becoming the one who is in control. While you are planning your escape, you can allow a narcissist believe you still love him or her "desperately". You can for example send emails in which you tell about your "deep emotions" towards a narcissist even after a narcissist has been acting cruel towards you. When a narcissist receives your emails, he or she will become happy as a small child, who not only got a candy but who got a candy that was meant for his or her sibling.
Narcissists feel happiness when they feel someone else has lost something and is feeling miserable. When a narcissist feels another person is miserable because he or she was no longer able to receive the larger-than-life love of a narcissist, that is the best feeling of all, since that "proves" to a narcissist that he or she TRULY is a fantastic and magnificent person, since you are now totally crushed only because you can no longer be with a narcissist. Let a narcissist think like this and let yourself enjoy the feeling of power, when you know you are merely fooling the poor creature.
When you are now holding the leash and a narcissist is believing he or she is in total control, it is somewhat easy to make a narcissist "work for you" instead of other way around. If there is something you want from a narcissist, a narcissist will grant your wishes more easily when a narcissist can think of himself or herself as a "generous" being who is doing something "good" for you, and when a narcissist believes that your love, attachment and longing towards a narcissist will only increase as a result of his or her acts.
 Narcissists are never giving anything away for free. But now a narcissist believes that by giving something away a narcissist will actually gain something (narcissists think they will strengthen their power over you and as a result your desperate love, longing and admiration towards them will increase and their narcissistic supply will not run out). But you know better than that. In the end you are the one who wins, you get what you want, while a narcissist only gets unreal illusions.
When you start to see a narcissist in this kind of a new light, as someone who is mentally very weak and easy to manipulate, you start to heal from your "addiction" to a narcissist. You will realize that there is nothing in that person to love and admire. A narcissist starts to appear as a pathetic, sad, even humorous figure. You soon find yourself wondering how you could ever have fallen for someone like that. This realization will help you to leave for good.
If you wish to read about the ways I used to teach my mind and brain to let go of my narcissistic spouse, visit page Recovery After Cheating. To read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity.
I created this website to help those who are dealing with narcissists and / or cheating in their relationship. If you wish to read more about me and my background, please go to page Site Overview. From Site Overview you can read short description of contents of this site and you find out how to contact me. If you are interested in topics related to cheating, narcissism, mind and brain, please feel free to read my blog. Blog is being updated on daily basis. In case you want to learn about ways I used to train my mind to let go of narcissistic, please visit pages Control Your Emotions and Recovery After Cheating. If you are in relationship with a narcissistic mental abuser, I believe you will find useful information from this site that will help you to heal. You can also go to other sections of this site by clicking Main Menu links (left bar).
- Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
|
Resources
Dear friend, you are like many of us who loved our partners/husbands more than life. But you must know that the longer you hold onto the wrong man (and he is wrong for you) the less chance you have of meeting the right one. you need to learn to love yourself, you do not need him to validate yourself, you are a wonderful capable person on your own and just know that when you trust yourself all will be great.
I have recently been arrested, kept in Jail without possibility of being let out on Bail. My Narcissit husband has convinved everyont that I am the abuser, He has convinced them that I am the drug addict, despite the fact that I have 14 unannounced drug toxicology test that are negative for everything. He has forced my children to testify against me in court and lie for him. He has paid co-workers and friends to lie on me in court. He filed for a Divorce and Custody of our childen and had Court Summons to a wrong address, unfortunately I did not know about the Divorce or Trial so I did not show up for it and he was granted eveything. He now owns our house, all our money, has custody of our children and keeps his retirement, annuity and everything else to himself. When I tried to fight back in Court on my own because I could not afford a Lawyer and no one would help me because he convinced everyone that I was this horrible person, my narcissist husband hired 2 attornys to represent him and I was there alone with no one at all. I was granted use of the Inlaw apartment in our family home. The next day after court and me being awarded use of the Inlaw apartment he installed security cameras all around the house. Since then he has filed repeated charges against me and I am facing so many charges that it makes my head spin, it seriously make me have suicidal thoughts. The children that I gave birth to hate me and believe him, he has convinced them that our abusive, controlling, manipulating marriage is all my fault. For the past 5 years I have been arrested 7 times. The last time being this past July, and then charged again on January 20th 2012. I have a mound of evidence against him however his 2 Lawyers say that I am being vendictive, and he wins every trial. He has beat me down to NOTHING and NOBODY will stand on my side, EVERYONE IS AFRAID OF HIM. He held his girlfriend prior to me hostage with a gun for 7 hours with a swat team outside, burnt her with cigarettes and made her play russian roulette with a gun. He has kidnapped our son when he was 3 years old. One of his x girlfriends comitted suicide and he swears that it was not his fault, she was just depressed. I have found out so much about him and how he always has his Laywers sent court summons to wrong addresses for everyone that he has ever filed any court papers against, and everytime he is awarded a post-ponement, court papers of the new scheduled trial get mailed to a wrong address. I have been arrested for failure to appear on trials where he has filed charges against me, even when the resords show that summons have been returned to the court and not delivered to me. How in the world do I get anyone to help me. I go to trial again February 7, 2012, once again by myself without an attorney while he has 2 attorneys once again! Please someone tell me where I can get help. I have tried so many pro-bono agencies only to pay them $25 to $50 with the promise of getting legal representation and then they have lawyers call me and give me their fee requirment before they will even enter an appearance in my trials. Which I have several coming up beginning Feb 7, 2012. Im so desparate and in need of help! He has beat me down to nothing and facing jail time once again!