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Blog - Surviving Narcissism and Cheating Print E-mail

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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In this blog I am writing about the brain, the mind, emotions, cheating, narcissism and in general about life. I am posting new entries often, please feel free to bookmark this page and return to read the positive thought of the day. My aim is to help you to get over the pain due to negative emotions related to cheating, narcissism or related problems in your relationship. I have collected here information that would have helped me during my recovery after I found out about cheating and during my difficult relationship with a narcissistic partner.

I started this blog aiming to give you hope and energy to carry on. You are not alone, I have traveled down the same path of pain and I promise you that there will be light on the other side. Let us do this journey together. Please feel free to write to me and give your feedback regarding this website. If you wish, you can read more about me and my background from page Site Overview. If you have any questions or some topics that you would wish me to write about, please send me email. I would be happy to hear from you!

You can contribute to the development of this website by writing about your own feelings and experiences. You can write on a general level or you can tell your own story. I will publish your text on my website and if you wish, I will give you support and feedback to your situation. By telling your own story you are helping yourself and also helping others who are in similar situation. There are millions of people in this world who are experiencing what you are experiencing at this moment. Let us not suffer alone, let us help each other.

I am looking forward to hearing from you!

- Maria

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If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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Comments (4)
  • Stella  - Does the narcissist CHANGE as he AGES?
    I have had a narcissist boyfriend off and on; for 26 yrs. He would never marry me (despite professing his love for me) - and he was a serial cheater. He is now 57 yrs old - and STILL single. I gave up on him for several years. I met and married another man and had children by my spouse. Still, I remained "friendly" (although not intimate) w/my ex narcissistic boyfriend.

    I divorced several yrs ago and resumed seeing my Narcissist. He hadn't gone anywhere and was still up to his old tricks. Much like all the other classic narcissists; this one thrived on drama, lying and cheating. I told myself I was just using him for physical intimacy (the only category wherein he didn't disappoint) but soon, he had me ensnared in his web again. This man is somewhat of a societal recluse although he always surrounds himself with people. He's a loner and an outcast yet he can't stand to be without others around him at all times. Sounds like a contradiction but such is the life of a narcissist. I always had to walk on egg shells with him because he had a violent temper and was prone to sudden rages.

    Eventually, I started seeing less and less of him. Fortunately, he lived a few cities away from me so I stopped driving out to see him as frequently as I had before. Unlike the typical narcissist - this one didn't seem to care if he was being dumped by a source of his Narcissistic Supply. He'd just move onto the next girl (one who was probably on the back burner all along with him, anyway). Mine's charming, good looking and charismatic so he was never at a loss of victims. Each relationship w/him ended the same way - regardless of the game of "musical chairs" he appeared to play with his various partners. Rich or poor - young or old - good looking or not; he didn't care. It was what the woman could DO for him that enabled them to outlast the previous one a little longer. Eventually, most women just gave up and moved on or he ended up kicking them out of his house/life. This man has no children and prefers isolation.

    Enter his latest conquest. This is the point of my entire story. I can't figure him out now. Is it possible that a narcissist can change when they age? He is 57 yrs old; his current girlfriend is 26! She took over his life like a storm trooper. As soon as she moved in (which was shortly after she met him) she made him change his phone number - which he'd had for over 30 yrs - toss out his black book of girlfriend contacts and, basically, took total control of his life away from him. I believe she is a sociopath. I, also, believe he pimps her out for money. Neither he nor she work for a living - but, suddenly (due to crimes, I'm sure) - they are remodeling his home and he's driving a semi new car. Yes, this could be a very strong source of narcissistic supply for him but people like this don't usually turn the reigns of their lives completely over to anyone. Being in total control and calling the shots is the only way a narcissist choses to live.

    This girlfriend has been in his life now for over a year and a half. My narcissist claimed undying love for me until the day he met her. I sensed a change in his demeanor and suspected he'd found someone new and for no reason; he and I were getting along as well as one can w/a narcissist and I thought I'd figured him out (keeping my distance from him was very important to maintaining a relationship with him). I left my ex as soon as this "storm trooper" appeared on the scene. I learned she has restraining orders against her from previous men so she might be a narcissist (or sociopath) herself. Anyway, here's where the story gets interesting....

    About four months ago; my narcissist contacts me again. It appeared to be in a sheepish and timid manner. His emails were along the lines of - "You don't know what it's like living with this woman - I can't get rid of her; I need you to help me, etc...: I thought, "Huh?! What's going on with him?" I agreed to meet for coffee and I didn't even recognize him anymore. He'd aged considerably and appeared to have the weight of the world upon his shoulders. Out poured a story from him about all the trouble this girlfriend had/was causing him and how he couldn't get her to leave his house. He seemed sincerely shaken up and distraught - not the man I ever knew from my past. He wasn't hitting on me so he wasn't seeking a conquest; he really seemed to want to just unload upon me about her. Well, fast forward to everything I've learned about this toxic relationship to date!

    These two fight like cats and dogs. The narcissist has beaten this woman, physically, and she's been in the hospital several times as a result. He can't get her to stay away from his home and he seems helpless in keeping her away for very long. It appears he relents and goes through stages of wanting her around (she must still fulfill his sense of self worth) and then beating her up so that he can have a few quiet moments in his life without her (while she's off healing or in the hospital). I found mutual friends of ours that insist he's tried everything but that she "has stuff on him" whatever that might mean. I learned he's about to go away to prison soon having been recently convicted of burglary. Once again, this girlfriend seems to be a catalyst behind his new "life of crime" by insisting he bring money into their lives somehow (henceforth, all the home renovations suddenly whereas he'd been living in squaller until hooking up with her).

    When my ex boyfriend wants to step outside of the constriction of this relationship; he has to, first, beat up his girlfriend so that she's off somewhere else incapacitated. Then, he sneaks another woman into his house yet ye has a few of his male friends camped out in his front yard as "look outs" lest his girlfriend return home unexpectedly from an early hospital release. While women are actually in his home visiting (sleeping) with him; he feels comfortable going about his normal, narcissistic life. However, he has to keep his doors and windows locked during this whole visit, also. This is so bazaar but I guess what I'm wondering is - how does this end up happening to a narcissist? I can't make sense of this odd behavior and of him seemingly changing by losing all his power due to this one person who's in his life. :ooo:

  • Jay for Stella  - Does a Narcissist change?
    Hi Stella

    It reads as if your Narcissist has only changed in the methods he uses. He may have met his match in his new woman and is adapting his behaviour, but not for the better.

    He doesn't have to beat her, or anyone else up. No one is making him do it, it's his choice and his way of attempting to control a situation.

    He still has you on a string, and, you are making excuses for his inexcusable behaviour. Why?

    He hasn't changed, he's just adapting to altered circumstances. Let him and his woman get on with their destructive lifestyle, remove yourself - further involvement with them is going to cause more damage to you.

    Their is no kudos in being the main source of narcissistic supply, it's self-defeating although I do understand, and sympathise, that your pride may have been hurt.

    Sorry if this hurts, it's written with good intent.

    Jay
  • Geri  - Dear Hurt
    Dear Hurt

    Wow....very similar to what I went through except he was never there for me.....keep reading these sites, trust me they help....I`m convinced of my N that he is what he is and that he is just that and still I have doubts that maybe he is legit and I know dam well he isn`t...this can only make you stronger and you will recognize instantly the next N (from Hell) that you meet. You will smell them in a room.... the one I put up with `on and off for 4 years` was highly intelligent and I will never meet another guy that smart so it`s going to be easy now to spot one. Hang in there..YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT don`t settle for anything less than what you know you want....and listen to the RED FLAGS your brain picks up on them for a reason.

    All the best.

    Geri :)

    We are there for you.
  • Hurt  - An experience I hope to never repeat and recover f
    Reading some of these posts I feel like I was in a relationship with a mild or up and coming NPD. We were together for just over a year and he ended it with me. I had no clue and was left completely devastated. I am a month out from the day he ended it with me and truly believe he has this personality disorder.
    The begining of our relationship was great. I never felt happier. He was so fun, it was always a great time, he was sooo attractive, had two professional degrees, a professional job, had lots of friends. I thought he was a catch and I was even more hooked to think this great of a guy wants me??! I am a very naive person and think the best in people. Our relationship was long distance, an hour and a half apart. He worked with my best friend so I felt better that someone knew this complete stranger that came in to my life. He of all things is a professional in the mental health field, amazing! He had just came out of another relationship to a girl he was engaged to, after 2 1/2 months. Red flag? I didn't know the details of their relationship, only that she was crazy. That's what they all are, right? I thought he had been out of his relationship with her for a couple of months and he was ready to "move on". There were some extreme red flags that I should have picked up on and not allowed the way he treated me in the begining of the relationship but I didn't want to rock the boat. He never drove to visit me, he didn't have a problem with me picking up the tab when we went out, and he wouldn't publicly acknowledge he was in a relationship with me on social networks, ever. I looked over these things justifying where he lived had more fun things to do, I made more money than he, and he didn't want to play out his relationship on a social network. He was charming and loved to have a good time. I met his friends, we vacationed together (out of the country on my dime), met his family. I thought that I was becoming a real part of his life. I would give him gifts almost everytime I saw him, nothing extraordinary most times, just small things that I knew he really liked. Sometimes I would get a thank you but later as the relationship went on, they didn't even seem to phase him. No thank you, no reaction, no appreciation. I moved to the city where he lived because I did find a better job. I didn't move because of him, however, had it not been for him I may not have explored the option. I loved my job before but I guess it wasn't good enough for him so I was conformed to believe it wasn't good enough for me. If I could have my old job where I live now, it would be perfect.
    Before I moved, I knew that he wouldn't be here for very much longer. He was taking a position in his home state and near his hometown. It was a much better job and there was no argument, the best career choice he could have made. I supported him with all I had. I worked so hard to make sure he would be certified and meet deadlines and did all of the leg work so he could make this a realtiy. He did thank me for it. He lived with me for two months while we were in the same place before he moved. It was great! It was the most love that I think he had ever shown me. We would eat dinner, he would bring me flowers home, we would go out and enjoy life. All the while, I was mostly paying for all of our entertainment, dinners and household expenses. It was helping his wallet to stay with me all the while he could make me feel like he was an equal part of the relathionship by showing me attention, charm and affection. Before he left I had him a going away party for all of his friends to say good bye to him. We spent time together in the last few days and talked in 6 months we would reevaluate our relationship and see where we could meet in the middle and we would move together. I felt like we had a plan and he was serious. I still was not his girlfriend on social media, he was still listed as single. He wasn't ever angry to me or violent. He would say very degrading things to me but it was always in a manner that could be turned into a joke. He called me calories, I weighed 100 pounds. We were out socially once and girls came over and he told them I was his friends sister not his girlfriend. He would lie to his friends that he had something else to do instead of just say, no I don't think I am going to go out tonight. Things I let go and never raised an argument.
    He moved and the first few weeks felt like hell but he seemed to still be in this. He hadn't met anyone yet to give him attention. After he began his new job and things started to get busy for him and the attention began to come, the communication became less and less. I would receive less text messages, he would call for a six minute phone call on his way home and he would call to say good night for one or two minutes before bed. He was living with his parents, so I thought I had nothing to worry about. He probably didn't want to sit on the phone all night there and I wasn't a phone talker either so that is fine. There were some text exchanges in the meantime during the night. The weekends became very strange. We agreed to see each other every two to three weeks and we would take turns going from one place to the other, it was a three hour drive one way. Not terrible, but distance. He actually held up this end of the deal. He and I equally split the drive, so I thought he is actaully in this with me, not like before when our relationship first began. The weekends that I wouldn't see him, I would rarely hear from him by actual phone conversation. He would text but would rarely call. If he went out to do an errand then he would call for a check in for ten minutes or so. The calls became less frequent and he would soon not call me until he was almost home so he would have to talk less. The conversations were mostly a recap of his day with a quick how was your day at the end when he was almost home and would have to go. When I went to see him for the first time, I met some of his friends that did not have a clue who I was. When we met they asked, are you all just talking or dating? I said, yeah we are dating we have been for 8 months now. They had no clue about me, major red flag. I went for another visit a couple weeks later to a sporting event that he was an assistant coach. When the game was over we left immediately. Later that night his mom asked, "did you get to meet his co workers and coaches?" No, I didn't, he rushed me out of there. When we were together it was like nothing had ever changed. We were happy. We never had a single argument in our entire relationship, not one conflict of any kind. I let everything pass that would bother me because I knew that he wouldn't exert the energy and he would leave. Out of the blue, he calls me on a Friday night on his way home from a sporting event, and tells me he can't stop thinking about me during the day, but he has so much guilt for the way he has treated me and he knows it isn't right and he has issues with himself that he can't exert any more energy into a relationship after a year. He said, it was his pattern in all of his relationships and he wants to go to therapy to figure out what is wrong with him for us. I told him, he only exerts 6 minutes a day into a phone call, he couldn't even do that anymore? He said he didn't know and he was trying to figure it out in order to save us because he knew he would never have anyone treat him as well as I had. The next day came and I didn't hear from him, only through text. Sunday came, still no phone call only sparadic texts. Sunday night he finally gets the courage to call and tell me that he has to end the relationship. I was a mess. I didn't eat for 3 days. He kept telling me I was not gone out of his life forever and I thought that was the awesome. It took me a few days to find out that he had manipulated his social media so no one could see any pictures of me but I still thought they were out there. He had been inappropriately flirtatios with people via message. I should have known this he was in front of my face. Three weeks pass and he now has an official public girlfriend. Devastated. I knew all along that people with no emotions usually have someone in the wings. She is a beautiful girl that has a very high status career. I became the joke between them. This had began longer than three weeks ago. A lady he works with had set them up and she knew he had a girlfriend. She decided she wanted to pursue a relationship with him all for herself and so he dropped me for the next best thing as soon as it was available to him. Devastated beyone belief. I know that I am better off in my head. It is the lies, cheating and emotional turmoil that has left me in a depression that I never understood how people could feel this way. I did the number one wrong thing and tried to contact this girl to give her a very nice warning to not have unprotected sex with him. It didn't phase her, she quickly blocked me from any contact and I became a bigger joke. I clearly explained that I wasn't trying to intervene on her relationship but please protect herself before it was too late for her too. It is unbelievable how these people can hurt you even when you know it is for the best in your head.
    I am not sure if I am in denial that he has NPD or if he is just a bad guy. He does need constant praise and he works extreme amounts at anything he does so he can be very good at it. He thinks he is the best thing women can ever look at or have, he would look at himself in the mirror ALL the time and love it. He has a fantastic body and couldn't handle it if others around him looked as good as him or were "bigger." He had to have the best in everything; clothes, car, etc. However, his house was not the best. He liked to and seemed to find a following of people that would always help him anywhere he would be. A girl at work he would befriend to make his job easier, his mom at home or me later. I felt like I was constantly having to give to him to be able to keep him, not even with appreciation or thanks just to keep him. He has trouble keeping relationships with anyone that isn't a need to him. His financial history was a wreck. He shouldn't be obligated to pay that bill, right??? I think I am trying to find closure in this relationship and accept if he does have NPD or if it is me exaggerating red flags to make myself feel better that he left me.
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