Going thru the same things, my health is limited, he knows that, now my son, and insomnia, headaches, pain in my joints, earaches, lack of appetite, feeling no real joy, but only one thing keeps me going, the love from the Lord, and the love of my miracle boy, my son (my NPD and I have an IVF baby, after 4 attempts, and 2 more after that, not meant to have another--grateful, regardless of the hurt)

Been with him for 21 years, married 18 years, grew up w a NPD grandfather, abusive, and wondered why I couldn't shake the feeling, blamed my Dad for not protecting me ffrom the abuse, it is a cycle, and can see now that I have attracted these predators all my life---I thought my husband was a dream come true because he was sympathic to my abusive upbringing.

Always, he made me feel I was imagining things in how his family treated others, judgmental & critical of everyone. I always felt like there was no real "love" connection in the family. I saw how they put power, status, money first, before anything. But I truly loved my husband, thought he was different from them, from my own family, as I now recognize that this was all I knew.

My son and I are now going to therapy, as I am afraid that this learned, abusive, narcistic passive Agressive pd will continue with my child, I say, mine, bc his sperm donor has completely ignored us, and uses my son as a pawn, to punish me, since he blames me, defines me, controlled me, the perfect fun, submissive wife, who was only good for sex, never loved me, and a plethora of hurtful, cold, cruel things said that wounded my being immensely.

If it wasn't for my faith in God, I would be crying endlessly, unable to do a thing. I realize that my total disability was caused not only by my loss of my mother loving an N (she died of pancreatic cancer 17 yrs ago), my Dad, my brothers, my inlaws are NPD---it is crazy making, gas lighting, devaluating, controlling behavior, but I realize that this is from generations of learned behavior and we are all wounded human beings.

Praying each day for the healing of ALL mental, physical, emotional, spiritual abuse---I was told to live at the church, told to go pick up 10 guys, have perverted sex, the list goes on....thinking I was the weird one all these years, that finally, I pray to cut all the cords that bind me to all the abusive relationships that crossed my path.

I pray for all victims of abuse, especially those who fall in love with the NPD. This is by far been the hardest, most difficult relationship to recover/heal from, for this type of person, is opposite of an all loving, unconditional, merciful, and forgiving God. Praying unceasingly for all the brokenhearted and children of the NPD's for we are scarred for life, trying to get love from someone, incapable of feeling love......only God can intervene---that is my hope.

But after reading so much about the "rare occasions" of change---my human self, has to accept and move on, for not only myself, but for my son, so that he will not treat women or men in an abusive way, for that is all he has grown up with. Yet my faith keeps me remembering "nothing is impossible to God"---he created all and despite our brokeness and free will, if we believe, and it is his will to do so, it will be.

So very sad to realize that it was all an illusion, 21 years.....of loving him completely and totally. That love should go to only one, and that is God, and back to yourself---and whoever will love in the same measure, reciprocal and unconditional---loving you for you, not controlling, critical, unfeeling. God help us! From dream come true to nightmare---very heartbreaking.

hi this is happening to me too. everytime we break up its like the end of the world. i have stomach cramps sleeping disorder.. you name it. now this is the 6 years i have 2 children and a business to run... help....

hi teresa

ive broken up with my narc almost 6 months now....well he dumped me so to speak......the first mnths are hard because you are addicted to him just like coming off alcohol or drugs its not easy but you can do it!I can totally relate to how you feel. days of being ignored until you go down and apologise for whatever it is you are supposed to have done....then hell make you suffer but take you back and you feel releieved.....belive me its abuse and phycological manipulation....i didnt realise it at the time.....now after 6 months i feel loads better i still think about him lots but i KNOW what he is now....hes tried on 3 occasions to contact me but i dont even read his emails.....these ppl dont change and although its mental torture to get over....you will....and be happy with someone whos not mentally ill....

It has been 7 months since he wanted the split, as I believe, we both have similar abusive upbringings, 3 months since he totally ignored us, financially left us hanging, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually draining, I feel for your children, I have one son, who just got diagnosed with a spinal abnormality. Drained, tired, and concerned for our health and wellbeing, and yours as well.

Only God can lift us out of this nightmare & heartbreak---as I recall my hub say, I have no empathy and I just don't care, especially since I would not get into the swinging scene with him.... Another story for another day---sad sad sad

Teresa continue to read all you can about narcisstic and the way they think. It is very helpful to know the person that you thought Loved you, but continue to hurt you and never give you a oz. of respect.
Also continue to post reach out to others that have been where you are today.
Time will heal...but for now you have to deal with the pain. But I promise each day gets better and before you know it...you find out the person that you lost to this person.

So true, knowledge is power to help you understand. God be with you!

its been 6 years my narcissist has gone for the 5 time. i become very ill almost mad. then i am angry i say things that he would say in the end. its a pattern.every 6 months. people say move on he is no good. i have 2 children and a business in all this mess. he again has hurt me, its mad he totally ignores me now. i feel heart broken and confused all in one. doctor has now put me on tablets. help......

I am at the tail end of accepting it is over and I am committed to keeping it that way forever. At first the relationship seemed destined to become the best relationship of our lives. He had a bright, sunny personality, very passionate, so incredibly affectionate and expressive, and lots of people liked him. Then the storm clouds moved in, and it became the worst relationship of my life. The first time he reacted out of proportion to a comment I made about myself which he read as somehow being about HIM, including yelling and cursing, I was totally shocked. Eventually I figured out why he was divorced 3 times. I imagine it was for the same reasons I left him: throwing things at me, threatening to break my personal property, restraining me from leaving our arguments, assaulting me with degrading vicious character assaults, making unreasonable financial demands, manipulation, screaming at me within an inch of my face, shoving me, micromanagement behavior, alertness to the slightest hint of questioning his competency, honesty, or past, and then once he got all that rage out, telling me he loved me, didn't mean it, make a display of tenderness, and then want to make love make it all better. Of course, his ex's and I had the serious problems, and all he had was an anger management "issue"! But he didn't need a therapist because he "already did the work." He pictured himself as a victim in all his interpersonal conflicts. He was unable to hold down a job successfully because he felt disrespected by supervisors, judged them as incompetent, and being withholding by not giving him positive feedback about his performance. The last straw was when he hinted he would kill himself because I told him to leave my house after the worst fight we ever had, and then the next day I saw all the bruises on my hands, arms and legs from being restrained by him and being wrestled down to the ground to get my phone out of my hand when I tried to call the police. But because of this surreal, truly frightening fight I was afraid to leave for 2 months. So I marked time, then decided to withdraw physical intimacy, with the hope he'd look for someone else and leave. Eventually he intensified friendships with two female friends, and soon he was ready to break up, but not totally let me go because he does not want to let go of ex's,. When I finally ended it specifying no further contact, I felt immediate relief, followed by anger, including anger at myself because I quickly realized in the sweet, expansive silence how this abusive relationship had worn down my mind, body, spirit, libido, heart and soul. And yes, he continued to call, e-mail, and text even though I send him one more message that I felt harassed and repeated "no contact." I moved, and am now in the process of blocking him from contacting me by changing my e-mail and phone number. I am in psychological recovery from this as I write this. Yes, I had broken up with him once before - partly from the abuse and partly due to his infidelity that he lied about numerous times. But I still believed (and had also been brainwashed into believing) it was all somehow my fault. I was also abused in childhood, so it was an easy pattern to fall back into. So, after I experienced liberation and did some personal work, I went back, thinking I understood what I did wrong and could make things better. I know now that I was in deep denial, and that he and this type of relationship dynamic is truly toxic, such that over time this kind of toxicity would make me physically ill and kill me or he would perhaps shove me again and I'd hit my head on something and die "accidentally". I finally didn't need more evidence of his mental illness and the danger. I fooled myself for a long time thinking I was able to anticipate his rage and control it somehow, and somehow I could help him let go of his rage by loving him, and that he would never hurt me more than the time before. But in the end I realized real love could not penetrate his rage, and that in fact his physical aggression was getting worse, and had truly crossed into the danger zone. So, dear women, read this over and over till you feel the truth in your bones - he is unable to be a healthy husband, lover or even friend because he is so deeply wounded and psychologically damaged that he can only say he loves you, but does not really feel it even though it looks like it and he acts like he does. He is not capable of complete insight, even if sometimes he acts like he's approaching it, because he is too psychologically well-defended to let in that information, like a fortress with a mote and no drawbridge. Let go. Change your e-mail, change your phone number, move - do whatever it takes to sever every tie that connects you to him, and make sure you get plenty of support from a therapist skilled in domestic abuse and narcissism. Start by reclaiming your self-respect. Let the anger help you keep your distance, and trust that someday you will forgive him and yourself (but don't rush to forgive - let it evolve naturally and thoroughly), and never trust him again no matter how much he lies to himself and you (and he may believe the lie which makes it convincing) that he has changed, no matter how much he cries, apologizes, and says he misses you and loves, needs, and wants you more than ever. He cannot pull a miracle out of his hat. Let yourself grieve the loss of your dream of love, marriage, passion, etc, because just because it is a real loss. Learn to tolerate the pain of grief and the temporary aloneness - it will get better. And notice over time how the grief begins to feel better than the fear of another fight. There are men out there who love gently and honestly, and who will accept you as you are...this is true. The saying "Put one foot in front of the other," and trusting the pain of my grief would soften and decrease helped me a lot in tolerating the waves of grief from shattered illusions and the death of the dream of a life together. Sending sister love and hugs to you all, and thank you all for sharing too because it helped me too...it's good to know others understand. I hope you get information from a domestic violence agency to learn how you can leave him safely. Peace and blessings to you.

Thank you so much for sharing your story...I could have written it myself. I was married for 17 years to a man just like the one you describe and now am in email, phone and texting hell - I try to ignore him and feel terrible that I allow him to pull me back into his sick game. Kudos to you...I needed to read this, and plan to sever all contact...I have been trying just haven't been successful yet. Thanks again!

I am so very happy this information is available. It is truly helping me. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 3 years and we split up about 4 weeks ago. I fell in love with him very quickly. He was everything I ever wanted and more. The first 6 months was wonderful and I was the happiest I had ever been. Things started to slowly change though. He would get angry with me and ignore me for days. Would ignore any calls, texts or even not answer his door. He acted like a spoiled brat. While I would worry and wonder what I did so wrong. He began telling me that I acted inappropriately. I found myself walking on eggshells and not able to be myself around him. I am by nature very outgoing and fun, I love being around friends and family and the people I love. He would be somewhat rude and had a way to make people feel uncomfortable around him.. He was like unapproachable, cold and silent OR he would be the funny guy that had everyone cracking up. I loved it when he was polite, funny and nice. That was the man I fell in love with and the happy Mike came less and less in time. I also found myself asking for love. He would treat me as if I meant nothing. He wouldn't talk to me for hours and would never look me in the eyes. Also, whenever I needed him the most he would not emotionally be there. He would accuse me of cheating, lieing and using him. I found myself apologizing constantly for things that upset him. he would always tell me that I hurt him. I began feeling like a horrible person. I thought I was a strong woman but have discovered that I am not at all that. How could I have not seen there was something wrong with him. The sick part now is I love him. How could I want such a horrible person? I broke up with him because I found out that he had been talking to his ex wife about our relationship. He told her that he was unhappy with me, miserable and all about our lives. This is the one thing I was not allowed to do. He made darn sure I had no communication with any of my ex's. I was shocked to learn that he had been lieng to me for so long in regarding his ex. He would always complain that I didn't put him first and I did. I gave him my whole heart and come to find out he was doing exactly what he begged me never to do. Anyway, I broke up with him and he begged me to stay. He swore to get help, cried and of course I took him back. 2 days later we got into an argument again and I ended it. he had told me that I would be very sorry and since has not spoke to me. There has been a few little texts here and there but not much more than that. I feel awful inside and just want to feel better. I miss him deeply (WHY?) I have never had a broken heart like this, it's hell.
Wow! I just wrote allot here.
Thanks for listening-

My heart goes out to you...your story ring strong to mine...been asking myself why we go back and go back each time just to get our hearts broke. The thing with me each time I went back I loved him lease. I guarded my heart...till I couldnt feel the hurt any longer.
Yesterday I sat down and made a list...of the good things about him and the bad things. The shocking thing (not really) is that there was just 3 things onthe good side and I had to have either sheet for the bad. But I continue to miss this mentially disorder person...that caused me to feel bad about myself, that made me feel ugly, unwanted, not good enough.
after 12 weeks I am stronger, feel better but I have my bad days. Today was one of them...but coming to this site has helped me so much today. I beleive life will get better and hopefully in time we will forget about these people that hurt us so much. Good Luck to you

Hi! I was in a relationship with a narcicissist. 3 children and 11 years later I could no longer handle it. We were married because I was pregnant with our first child and I should of known from the beginning it was trouble. The control started on day one. He was in the Army and in Bosnia. Demanded that he did not like my party life style and wanted me to live with his parents. I, at the time, was 20 years old. Of course I stopped the partying for my un-born child and did not need him controling me to do so. That was only the beginning. I stood by his side and suppoerted his millitary career our intire marriage. Through all three deployments and through all his insecurities. I did make bad choices, I am human. I had friends that were men but I never made the choice of allowing myself to cheat. I did not have sex. Not in any way. He would not stop bantering me and questioning me the only way to satisfy him was to tell him that I did and let him put me down and call me a slut and tell me all the rules I had to follow from now on. That is exactly what I did. From then on every time we fought or he wanted something that is what was rubbed in my face etc. I allowed it and I feel I had no other choice. Nothing else would satisfy him. He cheated on me. Through online personal adds. AND with my best friend. He also made me try swinging and caused me to lose a very good relationship with a very good friend. I have to say I could go on and on explaining detainls of my experiances. Bashing myself and my ex husband. His 25 K gambling debt in 3 months, his multiple personal adds while we were married, his penis picture I found on Craigs List, the bruises all over my body, the broken wrist I had to hide, the fact he can not tell a truth All and all this was prob the hardest tribulation I have gone through. The most pain I am still healing from a year and a half later. I still have to deal with him. Our children don't want to go see him alone. After I left him he moved 3500 miles away from them never calls and has come to see them once. The youngest is 2 the oldest is 11 and he wonders why they don't want to come see him. He doesnt wonder actualy he blames me. LOL, he sais I have manipulated them and turned them against him. I feel that this chapter in my life will never end. With all of that said I can still look someone in the eye and say I wouldnt change a thing. I have gotten three beautiful children out of it. I have the emotional strength that matches the physical strangth of an elephant. I CAN make it through anything. The say what doesnt kill us makes us stronger and I live by that quote. It IS all in how you look at it and there IS posative in the bad. I do hear myself tell myself how much I hate him way more than I should but you know what? SOmeday he will get what hes got coming to him and I will be walking on the right road. Just like you

Thank you so much for sharing this!
I'm one week out of my relationship with a narcissist...again. It's been on and off for over a year with him. Before that we were a couple for over 2 years. At the end of those two years I was a complete wreck and ended it after a specially hideous verbal attack. I soon came to realize there's no ending it with a narcissist. He came back, showered me with regret and tears, then love and attention...and the cycle was on again..fits of rage for no apparent reason, then complete devaluation, and then he just left...stayed away for a month or two...just long enough for me to feel stronger...and he was back.
I can't take this anymore...but his "hooks" are so deeply imbedded in me!
Logically I know there's no love to get from this man..logically I also know that I am not even the only woman he has...and of course treats the same way..it's sickening. And logically I know the initial "love shower" doesn't contain love at all, and once he know I'm back in the fold, the cycle starts over again..
His lies and verbal abuse are just...beyond anything!
I just want my life and freedom back, and I get that in order to do that I'm going to have to educate myself about this personality disorder..I have to KNOW in my core, not just my head, but it has to be a truth within me, that he doesn't love, he's not able to, and nothing with him will ever get better. And nobody he'll ever meet will get anything better from him than I did.
I'm so glad I came across your site
I will be reading here for a while.
Thank you

Rachel,
I was about to express my personal emotions when I came across to your above message.
My future ex husband which I was married for 3 years, did the same to me. We didn't have a sexual & passionate relationship. We were practically roomates. It was a total fraude.
It began like a good friendship d/t not having sex, then i ended up been his rival and later his enemy. The same like you when I left the first time from home d/t emotional abuse d/t emotional neglect, he signed into Match.com using MY PIC of our engagement and erasing my face. That's the kinda Assh.. he was.
The second time I left which was for good, he went to another singles online and met a girl and brought her to my still home and had sex with her in my still bed that I paid. It had been only one moth that I had left and not even divorced yet. This man was called by his digusting sick mother "his my near perfect child"
He has no love in his heart for anyone... only for his sick mother from which he protected and defended her. He acted like his pseudo husband. Him as his family were trashy but very arrogant.
All my dating was based on lies... and he feels entitle to lie.. b/c that's his truth or has an explanation. He thinks he is cool by been a jerk and been able to hurt me.
Of course he was able to hurt me when he pretended to be this good Xian that helps old people and obeys his parents. His a phony like his mom.. who pretend to society their goodness
but they are rotten inside.
I am hurting b/c of the lack of remorse he has for causing so much damage. He doesn't care... he feels he is the vicitm for marrying this huge mistake... depite my over working for been the perfect wife. He never recognized any good in me.. Always made reason forbeen mad and remove sex from our life. A few times he gave me pitty sex or rapd me.. I called it rape b/c I was crying when it was happening.
Sex was NEVER about pleasing me... If I asked for a back rub, i was too complicated and hard to please in bed. He was such a nasty human been covered in Bible paper. All his lfe was obscure and dark. Today his mother prenteds to be my friend and cover up his son's evil doings.
Can parents really be blind to this actions?
Does his mom really ignore the way he treats woman? He made excuses for his first divorce, the relatiosnhip he had after divorce and today for my divorce. At least this time he says it is hlaf his fault.. for marrying too quick. She is such a bitch.
I did for her what not her won children did for her.. but all she cares is to give to her ungrateful children her love she never gets back. not even her boss cares for her.. despite she kissing his bought for over 15 years. There's no loyalty in that family.
Everything is a secret. My counselro said... I may never know why he did what he did.. she wasn't even able to diagnosis his mental disorder.. i was the one who told her.. All she said was that she got fooled by him..
He doesn't fool God... and we can't live a certain way without expecting consequences.
I feel fear.. confusion.. mental disturbed..and soul raped.
I believed in his Xianity, in his values..
He has been the ugliest human been I have literally met in my life and I have met some ugly ones.. but this ws pure evil at all levels. He told me that what he did to me was his best behavior... I hadn't even experienced his worse yet!!!!!!!!!!!! I even feared for my life... Loving for me is like breathing.. I can't comprehend how someone can discard someone and moveone without a blink of eye...
there's no sense of not even attachment...
your less than an object. They get bored of you quicker than a child from its toy.
Once they open the box.. you are way too old already.. and ready for the next excitement.

Hi,
I was in a nine year relationship with a narcissist who was in therapy for seven years of our lives together. I kept hoping that things would get better and that he would love me. foolish thought. Nothing changed, I just accepted any crumb and was happy in a friendship based relationship with no intimacy.
I feel awful. I am only 3 weeks out of the relationship. He just left. Said he didn't feel it anymore. My friends saw his profile on match.com 3 days after he left!!!
Rachel

Hi same same here...but after 10yrs together and 5weeks of ignoring (totally) he turned up..flowers in hand. Now its tears and heart break and remorse and saddness sadness sadness...you were my best friend etc etc is sick to the stomach..hey...I dont know its so painful to see him this way and of course my love is and was so real...but is this it? am i being hoodwinked again????? How do you handle it? how do i handle myself???????
So confused