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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.
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Today I have been thinking about the mental "hooks" a narcissist can so skillfully embed into the brain of the "victim". Why is it so difficult to let go of a narcissist? What happened to us, why did we come so addicted to a narcissist, that even tho we CLEARLY see that the relationship is taking us to our doom, we are begging the narcissist not to leave us? Most of us who have fallen for a narcissist are smart people, so how come we did not know better and leave immediately once the first signs of abuse and coldness started to emerge?
When you look at your life with your narcissistic partner, I am sure this was not what you had in mind when you were a kid, dreaming of the future, eagerly waiting for the adventures the life will bring... I am sure the life you have (or had) with your narcissistic spouse was not the adventure you "ordered". And yet so many of us are staying far too long in an abusive relationship. Why is that? What kind of a "black magic" narcissists are using on us to make us stay so long in that hell and even beg for more?
I remember very vividly the moment when I decided to let go of my narcissistic spouse. I felt his "pull" all over me, he was like a drug and I was hopelessly addicted. He had been doing very skillfully what narcissists do the best: Lying, betrayal, mental abuse, emotional coldness, constant criticism, general cruelty... Those things were everyday life for me. I had been living with him for so long that I had reached the state in which I in some strange, horrible way took those things as "normal". I knew I was not happy in my relationship, but I never seriously considered leaving my narcissistic spouse, until things got so twisted and bad that I had no choice.
I left him and I successfully maintained No Contact for several months. I already thought I had gotten over him. A new man had entered my life, someone who was a complete opposite of my former narcissistic partner. I felt so good with my new boyfriend, in every way. He was someone who was kind, goodhearted, sensitive, funny... the list of positive definitions goes on an on. I fell in love with this man, but the cloud of my former narcissistic partner was hanging on me. I realized I had not been able to let fully go of my narcissistic ex. I felt bad because of this, because I knew I had met a person with whom I might even want to spend the rest of my life with, and I did not want to let the memory of my narcissistic spouse to corrupt and flatten my feelings towards my new boyfriend.
Then narcissist contacted me. Of course I should have seen it coming, narcissists always do that. They cannot let you go so easily. He wanted to resume our relationship. He had no respect for my new boyfriend, he kept sending me emails praising about his love and commitment. He said he was sorry about what he had done to me and that he had changed, he would not do those things again. All the typical things narcissists are saying when they want to get someone, only to throw that person away again when something "better" comes their way. However, I was vulnerable. I had not yet fully recovered, the hooks were still in me. To my horror, I realized he still held a strong power over me. I realized I was in danger of losing something extremely valuable: My newly found mental balance, hopes of happiness, and a new wonderful human being who I had met and who I felt I wanted to share my life with.
 It is a frightening thought to realize that someone holds such power over you. I understood in a flash that this was the ultimate turning point for me. It was now or never. If I did not get rid of the hooks now, I could never do it. I decided not to let my narcissistic ex to ruin my life. He had already made me miserable for several years. I would NOT let him continue to do so.
I remember clearly the night when that understanding finally reached me. I felt as if I was reborn. I realized I can control my thoughts and force myself NOT to think about the narcissist. Whenever I recognized a thought of him entering my mind, I blocked it away. I told myself: I will not think about this now, I will do it a bit later, maybe.
I took exactly the same approach as the people who are trying to quit smoking. The best way to do it is to block the thoughts related to cigarettes and to occupy one's mind with something completely different. The trick is to postpone the act of smoking just a little bit, and then a bit more, and more... Small steps, but eventually they can take you so far. Once you keep doing this for some time, the neuronal networks related to the thought of smoking start to lose their domination and other thoughts can enter your mind. Slowly the thought of smoking disappears to the background. Of course this takes some time, but so is the case with all sorts of addictions.
So, I started to think of myself as an addicted person, and my goal was to get rid of my addiction. I will continue my story in my next blog entry, please feel free to return to hear the rest. Meanwhile I recommend you to read this article of Controlling Your Emotions. It pretty much summarizes some very important points about this matter.
I will get back to you tomorrow, meanwhile take care, Dear Friends!
- Maria
If you wish to familiarize yourself with my blog and to read older posts, click this link to go to the Blog Main Page.
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