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Cheating Narcissistic Spouse Print E-mail

 

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because it is universal language and I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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Welcome to these pages. If you are experiencing difficulties in your life related to cheating and narcissism, you will find help from this website. I have been through exactly the same emotional pain you are now experiencing. I know how it feels to find out your spouse has been cheating on you and lying to you. I have experienced the heartache and depression that follows after learning about the betrayal. It feels like somebody stole your comfortable familiar life. The one person you thought you could trust 100% has let you down. The recovery is hard, but it is doable. The aim of this website is to speed up your recovery process and help you to regain your happiness and mental balance.

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I have written down the results of my literature search and some of my personal experiences of how to recover and heal after cheating or a toxic relationship with a narcissistic person. Human brain is an amazing device, it is possible to teach the brain to work in new ways in same fashion as it is possible to train the muscles in the body to move in new ways while learning to ride a bicycle, to dance etc. Proper training can help you to control negative emotions related to cheating or a relationship with a narcissist instead of letting your emotions control you. You can read more about this topic from page Recovery process after experiencing cheating and narcissism in a relationship.

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Cheating and narcissism in a relationship

I know the horrible feeling in the stomach when you think about the details of cheating. I have felt the same anger, pain, anxiety and depression. It is impossible for a person who has not experienced infidelity to know what is going on in the mind of the cheated spouse.

The first reaction after finding out about the betrayal is initial shock. You feel your world has been shattered, everything that you believed in has suddenly been taken from you. You thought you were a priority to your spouse and now it turned out your spouse has feelings for someone else. The reason you feel hurt is because you must now reshape your image of yourself and your life. This reshaping is a painful process. It takes about two years for the mind and the brain to recover from a severe depression. It is the same situation with depression and anxiety created by infidelity or being in a relationship with a narcissistic person, and recovery can take about as long. Good news is that there are things you can do to help yourself to speed up the healing process.

The recovery process after cheating

The painful emotions that you are now experiencing are basic physiological reactions to certain events. When you learn to understand what is causing your feelings you will be able to control them better. As scientists today can stand on the shoulders of great scientists of past, such as Einstein and Newton (every graduate student does not have to invent the theory of relativity all over again), in similar fashion it will help you to recover faster if you read about the experiences of others who also have faced cheating and narcissism in their relationship. I found my own way to survive and learn to control my emotions, same methods can work for you. Simple exercises and small everyday actions can help your brain to adjust to the situation faster and help you to recover.

Your situation can vary: You may have decided to leave your spouse after you found out about cheating and you are now struggling to get over the pain caused by separation, or you may have decided to stay in your relationship and are trying to make it work again, but you are having hard time dealing with negative emotions related to the memory of the betrayal. You may even be the one who cheated and you wish to learn to understand what your spouse is now going through in order to help him/her to deal with the situation and recover faster. Whatever your situation is, you find help from here. This website provides information and support along with many stories of people who have been through what you are now going through. You are not alone.

If you wish to read more about these topics, please visit page Healing after cheating and narcissism.

- Maria

 

For a short summary of the contents of this website, go to page Cheating and Narcissism Resources

To read more about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with a cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity. To read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. If you wish, you can read more about the content of this website and about my background from page Site Overview or go to other sections by clicking Main Menu links (upper left bar).

 

Comments (31)
  • anonymous  - a narcissist mom, husband and affair
    It's blows my mind to read all of this information. I have known that my mom is a narcissist for a long time, I learned as an adult and went to counseling for many years partly because of it. Quite honestly, I am well trained to care for a narcissist. So much so that it is like second nature to me. I felt for a long time that the distance and protection I had created with my mom made me get over so many things.... not completely true. I am very confused right now because I am just realising that I was married to a narcissist (divorced now) and that the next relationship that I pursued was with a narcissist. Both of them have similarities, theyre never wrong, they push the blame on anything but themselves, they feed off of praise, emotionally unavailable when it is inconvenient for them, can become verycold and make me feel like I dont exist.... well the list goes on. In the relationship that I just ended, I simply didnt trust him. I recently found out that he was having sex with at least three other girls while we were having an affair. Yes, an affair. This was about a month ago. He was not married but had a girlfriend that he lived with for 5 years. She found some of our texts and they broke up. In a frenzy, he cried out to me.... I was overwhelmed and told him that I would not hear him out if he didnt tell me the exact truth. obviously, I knew he had cheated before but I wanted to understand the extent if it. And I asked him to give me names... so he started spilling names out.... one name... I told him to keep going.... two names..... I asked him to keep going.... three names.... and at that point he still did not mention the name I was waiting for.... my heart sank and I felt like I was going crazy. I then asked him with who and when was the last time that he hooked up. He claims early this summer. He claims that he has been trying hard to make us work. I honestly feel like I lost my mind. I felt sorry for him, he was so vulnerable and I have had the best sex of my life with him and have definitely placed unrealistic dreams on my relationship with him. I was not able to share true sexual experiences (I was always in my head, somewhere else) with my ex husband because of trauma I experienced at the very beginning of my relationship with him. I thought that this new man liberated me in some way. I had experiences with him that I did not know existed. Im starting to see that I just fed his narcissist nature and that is why we created such an insane bond. I believe that I have become codependent and that I have not been able to let go of the sex. I don't think that he truly loves me because of the ways that he has insulted me when ive tried to break it off in the past. I broke up with him a ton of times not being able to mentally cope with the fact that he was living with a girl that he claimed he did not love in the way couples should. As you can imagine, he claimed that he didn't feel for her the way he felt for me and that she just latched onto him.... I am starting to realise that is probably not true. So they've been broken up for a month and he immediately latched on to me.... tells me things that break my walls down and my walls have been so weak. I felt sorry for him and time away from him is brutal for me. This week was his birthday and I took him out for dinner and bought him presents. Yesterday he mentioned that one of his friend's, Vanessa, was taking him out. Thing is he had a bday party at a bar the night before. I just don't believe that this dinner with this girl is just dinner. Im drained, tired, feel unworthy of anything good, or of true love butI will keep on my downhill if I shut my eyes and allow myself to be manipulated yet again. I sometimes feel that I will just stay alone because what I've allowed has been so toxic and my level of trust is all screwed up. I deliberately blind myself. It's sad. It's sad because clearly I know so much but still put myself in a situation similar to my past. So I can only look to myself to blame and thats exactly what I do. I remember not being able to cope with my mom when I was 12 years old, until one day I learned the definition of empathy. I told myself, if I can empathise with her, I can accept and be okay. It is so engrained in me that I cannot see what is happening sometimes. Im 33 years old. I dont know how long it's going to take me to transform my mentality and find self worth. Any input or insights are appreciated.
  • Anonymous
    Get out of the relationship there is nothing else to discuss, you will never be happy, it will be 1 thing after another, I have just finished with someone after 2 n half years, because I know I deserve better than this, before I met him I was happy with a great sense of humour and felt like I could achieve anything, for the last year I have been trying my best to play the role of my happy self but it was hard work as I haven't felt happy, they are the most abusive, arrogant, vain, but at the same time unconfident little boys, that will try n make u feel so shitty 1 way or another you wont know whether your on your arse or elbow, say goodbye, block the calls and do not get pulled into the text saga, where is goes from undying love for you, to abusive insults, to blaming you, threats of suicide and allsort, just switch off your phone and ignore them, your better than this!!!
  • Anon  - Recent hurt
    I didn't realise my boyfriend was emotionally abusive. I am trying to leave him. I am so confused, wondering if I'm sick myself and imagining it all. These things don't happen to me. Surely. Joking, derogatory statements. Even expressed affectionately. So many fights where he has said cutting unforgivable things. Joking threats, out of nowhere, startled me at first, but I adjusted. The threats have been blatant now too, and I've started to live with fear this last little while. He chats with me about what he would do to people, physical harm. He knows it is sinking in now, and didnt stop, but became more descriptive. Erratic behaviour, lies I wouldn't dare question, arguments I have no chance of winning, as he is so good with distorting what I think to be reality. He has always been cold, withdrawn. He is my first proper relationship. I never thought it was too odd. I find myself unable to feel very much, exept an incredible inner pain, so incredible, at being away from him and no chance of return, because now it's gone so far my mind won't allow it, and he knows I have seen him, and can't get anything but fear from me. He's already found another, I bet, but its hard to let go of his comfort that somehow came with it all. I have forgotten so much, I cannot remember half the reasons for my inner certainty, and constantly question myself, my fears, and want to think I'm psycho like he's said. I've forgotten the last years. It is the hardest thing to experience. I wonder if emotions can kill, I feel like I'm dying. I want to be wrong. But it all fits.
  • S D  - Him and His Friend
    I'm going through something right now that I would like any feed back or any advice possible. I am 25 yrs old and the guy I'm dating right now is 23. We've known each other since about 15 yrs old. We started dating almost 5 yrs ago. Our 5th anniversary will be 10/8/13. Everything seemed to be going well with our relationship. We had our fights and problem in the past. (non to this extent). We worked through them and seemed to be on the good side of things. My boyfriend ran into one of his old friends about a year and a half ago. They seem to get closer and closer. Sometimes they see each other a couple days in row. I told him this as I seen it happening and he didn’t see it. He still continued hanging with his friend. A lot of the time they were working for extra money working on cars etc where ever the money is. Last Saturday I saw him enter the password on his phone. Which I usually don’t bother to worry about because I trusted him. Before we fell
    asleep I asked him was there anything in his phone I should be worried about and he said no. I just wanted to check because he was hanging with his friend a lot. I looked through his phone and found text messages where him and his friend went out and had sex with a prostitute. He denied it the first day. I talked to the girl and she told me everything. I am sooooo blown away by it I just cant understand how this was possible. Eventually the next day he admitted it when I kept hammering him with what I found. He said that night there wasn’t any beer around so he decided to drink hard liquor with his friend. His friend wanted some sex so my bf went on criagslist and found a girl that would do it with them. He meet her at a hotel. I don’t know if he just couldn’t help himself but he had sex with her first. That next week, as a couple we were more sexually active then we had been in a while. He did where a condom I was told by her and him. He is crying to me telling me he would kill himself if he ruined our relationship. He said it was a one time mistake. He will never do it again. He said it made him want me more. I never liked his friend to begin with b/c my bf always seemed to make bad decisions when this guy is around. Well my bf said he made a mistake and is sorry. I told him I will try my best to work it out. I cant seem to get over it. I check his phone every night. When im home and hes not my stomach hurts. Its seems like cheating is everywhere now a days. Every tv show I watch. Something is always reminding me. Hes almost getting mad now when I bring it up. I had been 2 weeks and 1 day since I found out. He still is hanging with his friend. Not quite as often but he still is. This part is really hard to deal with. I don’t want to be the person with these feelings. I feel like I know I should leave him. I just cant bring myself to actually leave him. If I do stay, I don’t want to make him choose between me and this friend but I don’t know how I can deal with this. Any help advice is appreciated.
  • Don't be a sucker  - Stating what you need to hear
    When I read this I couldn't believe you are hesitating. A prostitute is equal to you? Think about it. Yes, I know these women exist and actually think things should be legalized in the states, but, only to control diseases. But, the bottom line is this type of guy will always be like this. There is no changing him as he ages and if you think about your future. Is this something you can live with in years to come? You possibly have a child together - what a memory. Think hard about what you are willing to put up with. Stop being insecure and get a man that deserves you. This guy is using his friend as a crutch to make it sound like he's being coerced. Don't buy it. Decisions in life come with premeditated thoughts. Nobody gets drunk and goes on Craigslist - he'd call you. This is the dumbest thing I've heard today. I've seen enough to know that this ones is trash without complex details. Get your life together and tell him you are out. I hope you've already done it.
  • Christie  - Married to an alcoholic and a narcissist
    I've been married for 25 years to an alcoholic...just stumbled onto this site. My husband has been sober for 11 months due to his DUI conviction. The chaos from his drinking is gone but what I am seeing is a very self-absorbed man who is still full of himself and has no empathy for me or remorse for all his emotional and mental abuses toward me. He has had 2 affairs in the past and perhaps much more while he traveled on business. I had filed for divorce twice during those times but had dropped them after he had seeked out recovery for himself. He has been to rehab 5 different times in the last 8 years. I had always thought his abusive behaviors were a result of his alcoholism, but I am seeing that he may be a narcissist and his drinking is just another issue. He does not want a divorce and we are in marital counseling. Our therapists has called him a few times on his "bullshit" a few times and still comes back to therapy so at least he is making an attempt to change and better our marriage.There have been some very small improvements in his behavior but I am still very lonely and empty inside. I am trying to find my own happiness and to just let go of him. Our son has 2 more years left in high school and my hope is to keep the family together at least until he goes off to college. I am trying to be patient and see if his recovery will help him see himself for what he is and many tell me that it will take time. I struggle with my emotions daily in dealing with his aloof, cold selfish behaviors ingeneral.
  • Remmie  - HELP
    After a 7 year relationship, with a person that this week I have realised is a Narcisist, i am at my lowest point. He has continually cheated on me emotionally and physically, never let me go to be free to move on and has recently had a 2 year relationship with another woman. He is now in the proces of "changin", offering me the world and rings and houses etc. I'm scared. Know I have seen this person in writing, it's as if I know it's not me that's caused all the unreast in the relationship, not my fault. He says he has chosen me? what do i do.
  • Jess  - Any update?
    Wow your story sounds too familiar to me... I've been with mine 7 years through multiple affairs etc. so devastating.... I see your post is fairly old... If this finds its way to you I'd love to hear how u are doing now..... I'm really going through hard times currently after discovering new signs of yet another affair and wondering how I break free..... Thx
  • mia  - can u guide me
    The story is long involves many yrs of my life, in my grade school i fell in love with a man 15 yrs elder to me i was an introvert and he was my first boy friend. he loved me i lost my virginity to him, he promised to marry me but got married elsewhere as he lost lot of money in the market. i was shocked but decided to move on, finished my graduation but got bad grades but decided to continue my studies. i met a guy soon after he was nice to me but he insisted that me meet up at his place for sex ( though it didnt happen as i didnt go ), we dated for 6 mnts and in the 7th month my ex came back to me and i was confused, in these 6 mnts i wasnt too happy with my current bf as he didnt care much about me, i missed my ex so i relented to meet my ex, i wud meet my ex and date my current bf , i felt guilty and decided to tell my current bf about my ex , meanwhile my ex decided to move out of the city and he went away leaving me and his wife. i confessed to my current bf he was angry and began illtreatng me, to win him bck i decided to have sex with him i thought that wud make him happy but i didnt knw he hated me and was taking his revenge on me, i had to go 4r abortion bcuz he didnt want to take responsibility he said he cudnt marry me but since i loved him i decided to stay just to be near him, but he too left mea nd moved out of town since he got a new job with more money , meanwhile my ex came back he wud see me i was no longer in love with him but i was lonely i decided to be friends with him but his wife cursed me my life became hell. my current bf came back for holiday and said he wanted to marry me i said yes but i came to know he was keeping another gf in the other town where he was working and i confronted him and told him to go away, after a month or so i came to know he had married her but soon after he wanted to divorce her and he kept calling me telling me he was lonely and he was sorry and as a true friend i shud help him and give him strength i decided to help him bcuz i still loved him but he double crossed me as he had another gf in town and was talking to her as well and had decided to marry her , on the other hand he was asking me to relocate to to his town and marry him, i was abt to leave my job but i came to know he was still dating her and i confronted him he told me i was bad nd always rude to him so he didnt want to marry me and in anger and hurt i called it quits. my ex bf on the other hand divorced his wife put the blame on me and stoped working he wud ask me to support him financially and beat me up if i didnt pay 4r his expenses i was lonely i had no choice and i suffered, it was not all, my current bf on the other hand (with whom i had no contact) meanwhile got married to his second gf but called me over the phone to say he was sorry nd wanted to meet me when he wud come to town, i was shocked i told him to fuck off but i am depressed i have no friends nthg in life i have a job so i can take care of my finances, i am 30 now i feel no man wud marry me no onw wud love me, god is punishing me i will nt have children waht do i do where do i go i have no ans.can u help me?
  • Fatima  - Help :(
    I am only 19 years old.I feel so depressed-unable to eat or sleep. I take something like NyQuil to make me fall asleep yet I wake up soo many times during the night. I don't know what to do. I had been dating a guy for the past 1 year and 6 months.I loved him and still do very much, but the sad thing is that he cheated on me.At this moment we are not together. He never admitted that he cheated although I know it's 100% true.The other girl created a set-up and just used me. I mean she just wanted to take me out of the picture. So here I am still hoping for his return. I don't know how to deal with this pain because it hurts so much. I cried till no more tears came. But I want to be happy again...just dont know how to. I would really appreciate it if someone could just advise me or something. Maybe that may help me feel somewhat better. Thanks.
  • Jessica  - AFFAIR WITH ANOTHER MAN
    Hi Sharon I know just how you feel!! I have been with my partner for 6 years we have been friends for over 12 years we work in the music industry and are very popular as well as being good role models ( so i thought) we have 2 kids we have a great life up until a month ago when I found out that my partner has been having a affair with another man who sometimes pays him for sex this has bee going on for a year he told me hat he worked as a rent boy from age 14 and has known this guy through the job he use to do he also told me he was molested from age 13 by another man( i had no idea). so he makes me feel sorry for him but nothing will take away the fact that he has been cheating with another man for over a year he said he will never do it again that he is embarrassed and he was stupid and is begging for forgiveness I am in a bad situation my kid love him he is a good dad and partner I can tell any one as it will ruin my career people will take the piss BIG time as they would never expect this from him it would be a death sentence for him if I leave him it will also mess up my career don't know what to do weather he deserves another chance i just don't know my head is on overtime and the 1 thin is am alone in this mess with no 1 to ask as am so embarrassed to have a man like this by my side.
  • Sharon  - Husband cheated on me with another man!
    I have been married for 3 1/2 yrs. I loved my husband unconditionally. I never had a thought or clue that he was interested in having an affair on me. But on his birthday i came home from work and i found a condom in the toilet and my heart fell. From the size of the condom i knew it wasn't his.Plus we don't use condoms. So i woke him up and of course he denied everything. I just knew that it was another man that had sex with him that night. He eventually admitted it but I was just numb. I have heard of these situations and said to myself that i would leave. But now the shoe is on my foot. He has cried and begged and apologized and said it was a one time thing. But it has made me feel like I'm worthless that my husband had to go to another man to be satisfied instead of me. At the time I thought we had fantastic sex, but i now know that i was wrong. I agreed to go to counseling with him but I just can't get over what he has done. He has vowed to never do it again but I don't believe him at all.He keeps buying roses(but he always did) so that means nothing to me. He basically kisses my butt all day long. He claims he loves me and he doesn't understand why he did have sex that night with a man. Says he was intoxicated and answered a ad from craigs list and invited a complete stranger to my home in my bed. He claims he feels the hurt and pain that i do, but I know he couldn't possiblt feel what my heart is feeling. I'm just sick with hurt, pain, anger, and many more emotions that i can't think of right now. He has since bought me a new bed cause there was no way i was getting in that bed. I got rid of all of the decorations in the house and have bought new ones. But I know the event took place in this house and I don't think I could continue to stay here. It's tearing me apart.
  • teia  - im hurting too
    Your story is just like mine however it just happend yesterday. Im sick inside I can't stop crying and breaking stuff. But unlike you I kicked his butt out (cloths all over the lawn) even though he's an amazing man he's still obviously gay and needs to go in that direction. Im scared and lonely and miss the idea of him but really he cheated and that's unforgivable. And who the hell is he anyways the man I love isnt gay. He's two faced.
  • stillstanding  - Face Reality! Work on you not the home!
    My heart goes out to you because I have seen and heard of situations like this but cheating is cheating with a man or woman the betrayal is there and the hurt is no didderent weather he penetrates a woman or a man pentrates him, you were violated mentally, physically, and emotonally and not to mention in your home and in your bed. Your husband seems to lack empathy with his actions no matter how many roses, beds or decorations he may purchase you.I experienced the cheating from a previous marriage to a extreme narcissist. These people are cold, evil and have no empathy. Face reality your husband apparenly has some identity crisis and sexual preferences that you can't satisfy bacause you are a woman, this is not your problem you and a normal person it's him with the issues. Really think about it this has happen before he ws comfortable bringing someone into your home and srewing in your bed off craig's list,your husband has major issues he was caught up in his own personal gratification and deal woth consequences later if i get caught. I been through a lot of counseling, we see these people as they want us to see them, they hide behind the mask. Please get in touch with a great bible based church and start your healing process internally.You will get over this just get in touch with "God'. The pain I felt from this marriage mama, daddy, sister, brother couldn't fix it. I had to seek God!!! email me if you like now is the time you need to talk to someone that can relate and understand your true pain.I have turn this into many things. The devil meant the situation for my bad and final destination he tried to destroy me but I have taken it and turned it into my ministry It's my Testimony on "How I got away" I am now helping victims like myself recover. Don't take him back pacify your pain with the word of God! Not his lies and gifts! Peace and Blessings to you!!!
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