Dear Maria ~

I only wish I had found this site one day sooner, before I acted out, begged & groveled & lost all my dignity. I knew he was N but hadn't found your WONDERFUL website yet. I would have had the tools I needed to deal with him the right way. Now I can start to recover, knowing he will NEVER get to me again. Thanks for all your help!

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your positive feedback, I am happy to hear you have found this website to be helpful for you! I am sorry to hear you are dealing with a narcissistic person, I know so well how hard that can be. You have not lost your dignity. You simply did not know what you are dealing with. You have been in love with someone, and love can make a person vulnerable. Please do not feel bad when you remember how you have behaved in the past. Future is all that matters! I am so glad to hear you are now on the road to recovery!

Hug,
Maria

Thank you for having such a nice website.
Unfortunately, I was drawn here because i thought I would find information about a cheating wife. Instead, I see almost every single article dealing with a cheating husband.
Also, I do not agree that there are methods to use after the narcissism and affairs, because narcissism is a life affliction. It ain't goin' nowhere and the affairs ain't gonna stop. The point is, that the insecurity will continuously drive the pathological liar to forever "flirt" ("flirt" in this case, is the convenient, tactful term for effing),and have affairs. These people are only interested in self satisfaction and everyone else is irrelevant.
Thank you anyway though,
Jermaine

Dear Jermaine,

Thank you for your message. Yes, I think you are right, in a long run there is no way to live "happily" with a narcissist since they can rarely change. The aim or my website is to help people to deal with what has happened to them and to draw the necessary conclusions (meaning to leave, in most cases). Unfortunately it often takes several attempts to leave a narcissistic person. There are also articles here that help people to cope with a narcissist if they are forced to live with one, for whatever reasons they may have. But essentially I think you are correct, in a long run there is no chance to have a balanced, equal and happy relationship with a narcissist.

It seems that it is often easier for women to write about their experiences when compared to men, I believe that is the reason why there are more letters from women here than from men. Perhaps this is due to the statistical fact according to which it seems in many cases easier for women to talk about their emotions for example with their female friends. Men often wish to have a private advice instead of public one. I would be glad if more men would send their stories to be published so other men could read them if they are facing similar issues.

Even though the emphasis has been on a cheating (or narcissistic) husband, all the things discussed here apply also to a cheating (or narcissistic) wife. I wish this website can help you to find some answers to your questions. If you wish to share your story with us (anonymously of course) I would be very happy about it. Please feel free to write to me (you find email link above). I would be happy to give you support and feedback regarding your situation! By sharing your story you will also help other men who are facing same issues in their relationship.

Thank you again for your message.

Maria

Jermaine, I am sorry you are in a place of hurt, I am a male too how found out the love of his life was cheating on him. The majority of the letters maybe from women about cheating husbands but I find the circumstances apply equally. This site has been a great help in providing insight into the insideous behaviour of someone who is narcissistic or at best entirely self centered.

I lost myself in the relationship and the steady diet of criticism, not allowing me to be part of her inner life, and eventually not feeling worthy took a dramatic toll on my life.

This site is helping me pick up the pieces of my self esteem and see the relationship for what it really was. A fantasy I got addicted to. Bit by bit I see the benefits of being free of this anchor I have been wearing for so many years, and coming to terms that the love I thought was there was never there.

In the words of the great Martin Luther King.

"Free at last"

"Free at last"

"Thank god almighty!"

"We are free at last"

I love this website, because you spell out everything I need to know about my Narcissist husband in very clear, easy to understand, terms.

My husband had been diagnosed TWICE by two different psychologists. Once, after his first wife fled their marriage and promptly divorced him,,he "wigged out" and ended up in a drunken stupor, screaming obscenitities publicly at her new home, and was arrested and adjudicated (sent by a judge) to be psychologically evaluated. He kept the diagnosis of Narcissist/Passive-Aggressive a secret from his Second wife.

During the second marriage, when the wife insisted on going to family counseling, a different psychologist (with no knowledge of the first diagnosis 12 years earlier) also diagnosed him as Narcissist/Passive-Aggressive.
As soon as that diagnosis was announced, he was DONE with the marriage. Didn't even waste time on a divorce,,took another job in another state and PROMPTLY took up a relationship with another woman.

I found out about the second diagnosis from the ex-wife. Things in our marriage were so bizarre that I thought she might be able to lend some insight. Boy, did she ever! That led to my calling the first wife and being told about his first diagnosis.I knew there had to be something, because NEITHER wife ever wanted to have anything to do with him, even though there were children involved. They had VERY GOOD REASONS for putting up solid boundaries between him and themselves!

When I confronted him with the truth of the diagnosis, he totally refused to seek professional help. He totally lied about cheating on me with another woman, even though by that time I had ALL of the facts and evidence about what went on between the two of them.

In fact, by purposely WITHHOLDING the information from me that he had previously been diagnosed, he broke our state's marriage laws, because he is considered to be totally INCAPABLE of forming a valid marriage relationship. He falls in our state's same category with known alcoholics and addicts when it comes to state marriage laws.

I especially love "how to cope" and "manipulate" a Narcissist.
Now it's HIM who is running around like a chicken in panic trying to figure out how to regain control!

Now it is HIM who is being hounded by the bitch he cheated on me with, trying desperately to get her off his back long enough to try to entangle me once again in his Narcissist Sick web.

I detached emotionally, saw him clearly for the hollow shell of a pretender-of-a-human being that he is,,and now he can't affect me in any way, shape or form. I totally see that he is totally incapable of having NORMAL feelings or empathy for how he crushes anyone else. And, it is driving him crazy that he can't control me no matter what he does. LOL

Meanwhile, I'm plotting my escape from the old life, while accumulating financial assets and making my own plans that do NOT include HIM!
I especially appreciate the "how to cope/manipulate a Narcissist".

I don't look at it as manipulation, as much as I see it as playing his own game against him.
I've heard that you don't listen to what the Narcissist SAYS,,but watch what he DOES.

I do exactly the same thing he always did, the crazymaking. I say exactly what he wants to hear, while doing exactly what I want to do, in total disregard of what he wants(control).

You are absolutely right when you say that, when a Narcissist is through with you, he is through with you. I went through that in the beginning,,he was TOTALLY in disregard of his legal obligations to me. But, when his game was turned back on him, he flailed like a fish gasping for air, because he couldn't figure out what was going on, or how to get a grasp/control on me again. I DISARMED him!!

He has since tried everything. His newest tactic; Learned Helplessness, which gets NO response from me. In fact, I tipped off his physician, who had him observed while in the hospital and confirmed what I told her. When I was present, he acted totally helpless,,when I was not there, there wasn't a thing wrong with him. He has tried everything to evoke sympathy or empathy from me,,,all ploys, because he is totally incapable of having a truly intimate real relationship with anyone.

I can't begin to tell you how freeing your advice has been. When I reached the point where I realized that this marriage was a FAKE, and that I was the only one in it and that I deserved to have a REAL relationship,,,that was it!

It's like I heard on a tv show once; Don't wait for the other person(cheater) in the relationship to decide what THEY want, decide what YOU want, and do it!
Put the cheater out of your life (figuratively or literally) and make them deal with the reality of what they've done.
A Narcissist doesn't feel any remorse for what they've done.
If they cry, they do so ONLY to MANIPULATE you or others.
Those who are NOT Narcissists will take the steps to be accountable for their behavior, will experience true feelings, and make the move to do everything that they need to do to change their lives.
If they don't, don't have another thing to do with them!

THANK YOU!

since discovering my husband's multiple affairs, I have been to counseling and have read countless books, but none have pointed out as effectively as this website the problem with my marriage! As most of the participants here have stated, they thought the problem with their relationship was THEM, and not their partner! I, too, shouldered the burden of blame and guilt, and, of course, my VERY ill (emotionally) husband gladly allowed me to do that! He still insists, in very subtle ways, that I am the one who has created this problem, but now, I see VERY clearly his tactics for shifting the blame and responsibility to me! I thank you, Maria, for this very timely and important information concerning the type of person my husband is, has ALWAYS been! Interestingly enough, his current girlfriend shares his exact narcissistic personality traits. How is it that two narcissists can co-exist? She manipulates in a different way than he does, but they are both expert manipulators and I wonder why they are able to stay together? Thanks again for your website and for letting those of us caught in a narcissist's web of lies and deceits "vent" our frustrations and hurts!

Omg Hi Maria Aloha... I am recovering from a 2yr mental,emotional, and verbal abusive relationship. Its been 3wks that I finally left him. I havent texted him or called (i still wait around for a sorry or atleast a sign of him) I hope thats normal..I found him lying cheating and having unrealistic dreams and I could not take it anymore, For once I thought about my 10yr old son and about me!! I said no more God help me get thru this. I still have his text messages to remind myself to never call him and how painfult was to go thru this....
I knew there was a problem when all I wanted to do was sleep , I noticed I was nervous around him, i walked on eggshells my mood changed when he got home from work. I gave him everything, mu money my emotions mylove.. Nothing seemed to work. first time arond he cheated on me and left me for a woman, who then turned out to lose it all because of him..He promised me that he had changed his ways and that i was the love of his life . My son noticed me yelling and being upset for no reason... I lost everything for this man, we met on a friday and a month later we lived together, it was great in the beginning until I discovered all his problems, moods, financial issues, ex-wife, and I was the blame for it all. He often insulted me for periods of 45min to an hour. I use to record him to show my friends so they dont think I was crazy. I cried so much, he use to throw me out the house, telling me Im not worth anything that Im a bad mother and I was lucky that he didnt hit me. I had no say no opinions no emotions my decisions did not matter and he did not compromise in anything. I had to do what he said if not I got in trouble. I felt like a little girl, he degraded me comparing me to other woman .... Then I started to believe that he was right that the problem was me....My family disowned me , my friends telling me that how can I love someone like this, no one understood what i went thru...but I was addicted to this up and down rollercoaster,,, I was in love with this man when things were good I ignored what he had just done earler that day to only realize that in about an hour I was back to square one that I was the one wrong.. I lost all my friends I lost my aprt my car, my job my self esteem, I lost myself. He drained me emotionally and mentally.. I have nothing now I am rockbottom when i was a very much independent woman .then I spoke to my friend and he told me that i was dealing with a narcissistic man I looked it up and I found this website!!!!!!! Thank God....
I AM MUCH BETTER STILL DAYS WHEN I THINK WHAT CAN I HAVE DONE DIFFERENT BUT I COME HERE AND READ AND REALIZE NOTHING!!! ITS NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!!!!! and I am now healing after reading and understanding what a NPD person is. No one should go thru this pain. I wish I would have found this sooner after I humiliated myself so much .. Thanks to this site I AM ME AGAIN.....