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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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Detaching from a narcissist can be quite difficult. The process of letting go can be easier if you understand the reasons why you feel attached to your spouse, even though he or she is acting cruel towards you and is constantly putting you mentally down. When you understand what is causing your feelings it will be easier for you to control your emotions and get mentally rid of a narcissist. To read more about the methods I used to teach my mind to let go of my "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, visit page Recovery after Narcissism.

Relationship with a narcissistic partner can often be compared to drug addiction. In the beginning of the relationship a narcissist is making you feel as an amazing human being and is claiming that he/she has never met anyone like you. It is typical for a narcissistic person to start to talk about "love" and "loving" almost immediately, even before they have had a chance to really get to know your personality and who you are.

The beginning of the relationship with a narcissist is wonderful time, they often appear to be almost too good to be true (eventually it turns out that this was true). During this "honeymoon" period, your brain is releasing so-called "pleasure substances", biochemical compounds which are responsible for the feelings of happiness, mental balance and euphoria. As time goes by your brain is slowly being altered in such a way that you must have the "drug" constantly available in order to maintain a satisfied state of mind. In this case the "drug" is the love of your narcissistic partner.

Similar thing happens in all relationships in the beginning. During the first couple years into a relationship your brain is adjusting to the new life with your spouse by reorganizing the structure of the neuronal networks that are controlling the emotions related to romantic love. Due to this reorganization the feelings of love towards your husband or wife are integrated deep into your brain. This kind of reshaping of the neuronal connections only happens if you are strongly in love with your husband or wife. If you do not experience strong emotions towards your spouse, the structure of the neuronal networks related to these emotions is not reorganized significantly.

Addicted to a narcissist

It is very common that a narcissist can be so incredibly charming and "perfect" in the beginning of the relationship that you fall strongly in love before you even realize what is happening. As a result of this, you soon become strongly addicted to your partner and you must have their love constantly available to you.

When a drug addict no longer has access to the drug, withdrawal symptoms will occur. When access to the drug is denied unexpectedly, withdrawal symptoms are very strong. Same thing happens in a relationship with a narcissistic person. As soon as the idealization phase is over, a narcissist might change his or her behavior very fast: they may turn cold, uncaring, even cruel. When this happens, you feel lost and disoriented because you can no longer fool yourself and think that your narcissistic spouse loves you. You have no idea why your spouse has changed his or her behavior, but as a result of it you are suddenly deprived of your "drug" and you experience strong withdrawal symptoms. Your mind is filled with mixed feelings of depression, anxiety and other forms of mental pain.

During this mental crisis you are trying to maintain your relationship with your spouse. If your spouse is giving you the slightest hint that he or she might still be in love with you and care for you, you feel like getting a single dose of the drug after a period of painful deprivation. For a short while all your negative feelings will disappear, but later they return even stronger.

The only effective way to get mentally rid of a narcissist is not to be in any kind of contact with them. In addition to this, reading about narcissism and experiences of those who have gone through the same mental turmoil will help you. Knowledge is power, the more you know about your "enemy" the better you can fight it. In this case the enemy is your mental addiction to your narcissistic partner. Understanding the reasons that are causing your negative emotions makes it easier for you to control your life. This is the basic idea in psychotherapy.

If you want to learn about the methods I used to let go of my narcissist partner, see page Recovery after Narcissism. To read more about narcissism, please see section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. If you wish to read about cheating in a relationship and how the mind of a cheater works, please see section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with a cheating spouse, please see section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity.

I created this website aiming to help those who are dealing with narcissism, cheating, mistrust, insecurity, betrayal or other problems in their relationship. If you wish to read more about me and my background, please visit page Site overview. If you are interested in topics related to cheating, narcissism, mind and brain, please feel free to read my blog.

- Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (288)
  • Anonymous
    I just got out of a 3 year engagement with a nar smh. I had no clue he had only been using me because I was very young and blindly in love. He even wanted to start a family with me smfh. 2 days ago the caring, loving, gentleman of a person I knew packed my bags without a word, destroyed and stole everything I had then left me for a 17yo...he's 26. I found out I'm not the only one he's done this to. Every relationship he had has ended the same way.
  • Vicki  - Wow! This is my life. My soul was raped
    Reading all these stories, there is one common denominator. Our whole being has been programmed since birth. Our emotions have no value. Our job on this earth is to second guess ourselves in order to place our partners first. But one thing that stands out thru each and every one of these stories, regarding how the words were written, is the incredible depth and intelligence each of us victims posess? With all the therapy we've succumbed to, and all the self doubt, the worthlessness we feel about ourselves for believing the lies of these predators, our feeling the need to be needed, and our unselfish approach to life. It all comes down to our belief system which has been violated daily.
    I would imagine the majority of us, who have been abused and used, were created in childhood. I believe most of us in our family dynamic were the scapegoats? And I also believe that each of us possesses a compassionate depth that stood out as children? I believe a parent or parents who are void of feelings or are somewhat challenged mentally thru generations, can feel threatened and scared of the child who possesses the traits of honesty, compassion and depth. This child reminds them of who they are not ever going to be. This child creates the negative self image the parent is trying to hide about themselves. So in order to not go against the basic humanity of how a parent is supposed to love their children, they create chaos and unworthiness in that special child by going after the emotions and depth that child has. Little by little the parent breaks off pieces of their soul. It's like the term "being pecked to death by chickens?" The parent is able to get others to view the child as weak or sensitive, and brainwashing the siblings into believing their worth and love comes at a cost. Sometimes at the cost of the special child. In turn if there's a family with four siblings a Narcissistic parent and an enabling spouse, most likely the scapegoat child will continue the pattern of the belief system of unworthiness and attract narcissistic abusive partners. And the other three siblings will be narcissists themselves. So one victim and three abusers.
    Our abilities and qualities we were born with were used and abused and tortured. If we can all see the common denominator in ourselves as victims, we can go back in time and rescue that child in all of us and take back the incredible and gifted qualities we were born with? I really do believe our roles in life were not to be second to anyone! We were programmed that way, and it was never our fault. An unhealthy parent was scared of our unique qualities and took them from us in order to maintain their image. It's not about giving any of our thoughts to our abusive partners anymore? We were programmed to have those thoughts in our heads since childhood. We were destined to be strong and courageous individuals since birth. It's never too late in rescuing ourselves..
  • Christina  - You made my inner child smile
    I've gone through extensive therapy studied ans
    and spent tremendous amount kid time reading
    about understanding the affects of childhood
    trauma and how to gain back self love.
    You managed to explain and describe it in a way
    I've never seen before. In a way that completely
    connected with my inner child my mind, soul and
    emotional being. Thank you thank you thank you
  • Christina
    Thank you thank you thank you
  • Lizabeth Williams**  - So numb right now. Glad I found this site.
    I need major help I know it and I also have a teen son who has been living with a Nar for 4 years. Married for 10 been together 13 but the military shuffled him a round a lot so we have only had 4 solid years of life as a family or so I thought. My major troubles started when I realized I was infertile and after trying multiple ivf cycles we failed. On each failure he would isolate himself from me like I had a disease. Complained to his parents that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Each episode of cheating or weekend with the boys was because I couldn't have his kid. Many more failed attempts many more years of failed attempts. So he exploded after dinner one night that he is NOT gonna live his life without a child of his own. So we decided to give it one last try. During this entire process we were a sexless married couple I mean 0 times in a year. Don't know why I stayed. So we gave it a final shot and I am now 3 months pregnant. In my first month I asked him if all our problems were over and he stated that he just didn't find me attractive anymore. Wow. So I am pregnant with the child of a narcissist and I really don't know how to leave. He goes away for 2 days at a time no call nothing and I have been having a ruff pregnancy. I so need help. I have so much emotions running all over my mind and I feel so guilty for bringing another innocent child into this. I am so hurt. All my dreams all my accomplishments mean nothing to him and I just seem disposable. Six more months to go but I know it's gonna be hard because each time I talk about something I get punished by his absence or silence. I have a masters degree and I feel like a total dork. Where do I go from here!!!! :?:
  • wifeofone  -  what???
    First of all I am so so sorry. I could tell you a million stories about my marriage but that's useless. You need to put that masters degree to use. Get a job and GET OUT. GET OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Don't waste anymore time or you'll regret it later. I will pray for you.
  • Clarie  - Ending it.
    How can I end it with him if I have to see him at work each day.
    I was addicted from the start. Six years into it and I'm depressed now
    That I have gone no contact. I don't think I can take it. Usually by now I've heard
    From him but I've managed to cut it off by making him think he ended it and I'm missing him. His smugness about it is too much. What is wrong with me that I miss him after years of mental abuse. I will never quit my job or go into therapy
    That would mean he truely got me. I should of never gotten involved. Were both married.
  • I am you all
    When I think of his being with another woman, it hurts so much, but then all I have to remember is all the rejection he inflicted on me so cruelly..the constant wondering eye, the porn, and the put downs. So heartless, so cruel and heartless. I have known all along that he never loved me, but he has always loved himself!
  • Been there  - Cruel narcissist
    I hear what you are saying. It's hard because we feel like fools who've been had. They are inhuman and cruel. I pity them.
  • I am you all
    I feel like such a coward right now! Letting all of you pouring your hearts out with so much pain that I know I felt few days ago. But, something happened to me, and now, I feel nothing. No pain, no sorrow, nothing hurtful anymore unless I start thinking about him. I HAVE PRAYED TO God to free me from him in each and every way, to heal my pain that he has caused me. He hurt me so much, and he knows it. I pray to God that I will never see him and / or hear about him ever again. He was the worst nightmare of my life, afterwards! I loved him so much, and he trashed my heart and soul like a dirty rag! May GOD have mercy on his soul! we went to church together for one year and a half, prayed and ate together, lived together, and I dreamed about our being together forever every time he mentioned marriage! What a hypocrite! I know he's been seeing, hunting for somebody new, or not so new. He's not trustworthy, but tremendously dangerous for my heart. He's lethal!!
  • I am you all
    There is so much pain I relate to! Yours, mine! I am so grateful for your opening your hearts and let the pain come through! Thank you so much, as this is another step I take on my own journey of healing from the pain that a "blind" man had inflicted upon me. And, I let him do that! In my heart, I knew he was a "thief", but it was so hard to admit to myself that my own illusion of a "picture perfect" life was so obvious. I knew all along that I was settling for less than what my heart and soul needed, wanted. And, there is no point justifying that. I just, simply took it, went along with it, and let myself being chose one more time, and this time felt like never before: I wasn't the one to leave, but I was the one to be "left", whatever that means. I cried so many nights, and days at work and off work, on God's day and everyday, and he will never know my pain again, because he feeds off it. He simply cannot feel. And now I know. I moved to another state to avoid running into him and his new "victim". He's a predator, and he does not even know it, most likely. I let myself take a break from my ongoing, long suffering pain when we met, and I let the Cinderella syndrome take over me. How wrong I was!! And I knew it in my heart of hearts! Please, please try not to lose faith in what makes your heart SING!! For me, is and it will always be, my LORD, my GOD!!


    Thank you all, and may GOD bless you richly, always!!
  • I am you all  - May God bless you all
    Before anything else, I just want to thank you all for your kindred spirits, and I empathize with you all! So much heartache for only wanting to feel loved and able to give love back! My heartache is your heartache, because I relate to pretty much all of your stories. It is true that learning as much as possible about this soul affliction will relieve the suffering of the heart and mind, and above all allow you to at least contemplate letting go of the one who could not see you, us for who we really are with love and compassion. Since God is everything and the only One I count on and pray to always have by my side, reminiscing about the recent times of feeling life running out of me because my heart and soul felt crushed with no hope for recovery, something keeps coming up into my mind: love your enemy, pray for him / her, and let him / her walk his / her own journey. It is not within our power to change anyone other than ourselves. We all want to feel loved, and feel that we love with all of our heart and soul the one who shares a life with us. But, we cannot control what anybody else thinks, feels, says, or does. Remember the time when you met him or her, and you felt that something was just a little bit, or more not aligned with the way you are. And this is precisely what we all need to remember now: how it all started! Forget about what we all wanted it to be, and admit to ourselves that we chose to look at what we wanted to see. I am so tremendously grateful to all of you for your courage, faith, and strength! May GOD bless you all!! ALWAYS!!!

    Thank you!!
  • Diane
    Hi,Suzy Man are you living my life. I thought Jason was everything.For 13 yrs I put up with his shit.Gave him two great kids and off he goes and sleeps with my best friend. Dont need to get into details we know how the N works. We just got divorced and still feel like an ass because i still love him. when does it end and get better. Need to move on!!!
  • KC  - I thought I was alone
    I embraced your stories
    for they were mine
    26 years of living blind
    thinking him wonderful
    and me the concern
    believing his lies
    all his "words" that I heard
    ignoring the wisdom
    that stirred deep inside
    the voices that told me
    things were not right
    I loved him so deeply
    forgave him his lies
    kept putting my own needs
    aside all the time
    abandoned in youth
    my mother did leave
    this left a scare
    a wound that was deep
    it created a weakness
    a need to be safe
    to trust in being loved
    to give not to take
    The perfect mate
    for this selfish soul
    he robbed from me
    all trust I had known
    I am moving forward
    not looking back
    he is a story
    and that is that
    I have learned something
    that I never would have known
    had he not ripped apart my very soul
    and that is "I am strong"
    "I believe in me"
    "I will be better than he can ever be"
    My eyes are open
    My hearts not closed
    I believe in a future
    I believe new love will grow
    I will not let him take more from me
    I am in control of what my future will bring.

    Thank you for sharing an intimate part of each of your lives. It has helped me realize I am not alone. I am happy to have found this website. It has given me a sense of belonging. My eyes are open as I begin the process of ending my 26 year marriage. I have made a decision to be true to who I am. I will not be bitter or vengeful. This will only serve him. I am in the drivers seat now. I have seen a wonderful therapist and she has helped me to understand NPD and this has helped me to stop seeing myself through "his" eyes. I look forward to trusting in "me" again. It is a long road to heal from being under the spell of a narcissist for 26 years...but I am positive I will come through this as a happier person. I look forward to not having to figure out the lies any longer. I mourn the loss of the "marriage" and the future I was preparing for. I will miss the "illusion" of my husband. The person he had me believe he was. I will NOT miss the man behind the mask. Be good to yourselves.
    Thank you all again.
  • KIM
    my husband died two years ago, last year i met a man whom came into my life. He is a narcisst. its been horrible, but i am staying true to myself and i am going to end this relationship. Power is mine!
  • WVL  - Mirrors
    Thank you for the lovely poem. I started to weep halfway thru because it mirrors my own life. I am now mourning the mask, the illusion we wished so much for that never existed as a child. I also am learning to accept with love, her plight, of which you know they don't believe is theirs. I am a veteran and the physical wounds I sustained are nothing to the emotional ones.
    I am still in contact with this lost soul and deliberately choose to so I may learn.This may sound masochistic, it is, for now.The chains come off slowly, as I cannot rip them off. I must heal slowly in my own time and not rush it, wish it, to be easy.A voice whispered to me last night.."it's okay".
    I must believe that true inner voice and not hers, for it is a lie. A lie that is mirrored in me. I too, AM that what I fear in her. I am. And that's okay. It's okay to be human. It's okay.
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