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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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There are ways to cope with a narcissist, if you decide to stay in a relationship with one. You may feel you do not want to face the financial burden due to the divorce or separation, or you may fear the loneliness after the break-up. Whatever the reasons are for your decision to stay in a relationship with a narcissist or a mental abuser, it must be clear to you that you can never change them. When it comes to a narcissist, a saying "what you see is what you get" is literally true.

If you decide to stay, you get your narcissistic partner as he or she is now, the situation will never change and the things that bother you now will always be there. There might be some improvement, but the improvement requires that a narcissistic person first realizes that he or she has a problem. Unfortunately, only very rarely a narcissist is capable of doing this, so do not expect a miracle.

If you despite these facts decide to stay in your relationship, here are the steps you must take in order to maintain your mental health (after reading this list, a thought that comes to mind is "who wants to live like this". But in the end we are all free to choose how to live our life, so let us not judge others without knowing their situation in detail). If you wish to leave your partner, I recommend you to read about the methods I used to teach my mind and brain to get rid of the "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse. Read more about this topic from the page Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism.

Forget your own wishes and dreams if you are living with a narcissist

Do not expect a narcissist to keep promises or to be loyal to you, unless it is convenient for them. It can be that it is convenient for them to keep promises, especially in the beginning of the relationship. This may even make it seem as if your narcissistic partner is constantly keeping promises, but keep in mind that this is only an illusion. When the moment comes and a narcissist must make a choice, they will make their decisions based on their own selfish reasons. A narcissist will cheat, lie and betray without thinking of you for one second. Be aware of this, so that you will not get disappointed when cheating or some other form of betrayal occurs.

Build a strong self-esteem

Do not let your narcissistic spouse break you mentally. That is often their goal, that is what gives them "kicks", the feeling of full control over you. There are some simple tricks which can help you to teach yourself to ignore a narcissist when they are trying to catch you off-guard and abuse you mentally. If you are considering staying in a relationship with a narcissistic person you must become very strong, because you must face all obstacles in life alone. Your spouse will never be able to give you any kind of mental support.

Always remember that your narcissistic spouse is a mentally disturbed person

When a narcissist is cheating on you or says or does something that makes you feel bad and depressed, keep in mind that the their behavior is not "normal" by any standards. Read about A Narcissist as a Mental Abuser to learn how to recognize the signs of malignant narcissism and serious mental abuse. Then take a different approach towards your narcissistic husband or wife. Think of your husband or wife as someone with permanent mental illness. Now, it is up to you to decide if you want to spend your life "taking care" of permanently sick person. Normally of course we want to stay with our beloved ones during the times of struggle such as mental illness. But in this case you will never receive any gratitude from the patient. If you decide to stay with a narcissist, do it for your own personal reasons. If you do not want to let go of certain things that you have with your spouse, then stay with him or her, but do it because of yourself, not because of them. Do not pity a narcissist, your empathy will be wasted along with your precious life.

Be prepared for cheating

Narcissists are often cheaters. If you decide to stay together with a narcissistic person, be prepared to experience cheating at some point during your relationship. Narcissists do not feel remorse when they are cheating, which makes it very easy for them. If a narcissist is good-looking, there will be plenty of opportunities for cheating and they will not hesitate to seize the moment. If the secret lover appears to be "better" than you in the eyes of a narcissist, he/she will leave you in a second and will switch to this new narcissistic supply. Often a narcissistic person also gets enjoyment and excitement out of cheating. These people are constantly seeking for thrill and kicks, and secret affair is perfect for fulfilling these needs.

If you are cheating on your narcissistic spouse, your spouse sees you as someone who is totally dishonest and evil and often makes sure that you and all your friends and relatives and even strangers will know how horrible person you are. But if your spouse is cheating on you, they usually see nothing wrong with it. A narcissist justifies the cheating by being "in love" with the secret lover, and in their minds true love justifies everything. But if you are cheating, you are merely ruthless and dishonest, because in the mind of a narcissist it is not possible that you would love someone more than you love them, so love cannot be the reason for your cheating. It is impossible to know exactly what is going on in the mind of a narcissistic person, but somehow they often manage to twist things in such a way that if you are cheating on them it is wrong and they deserve all the pity in the world, but if they cheat on you, they will always find a way to justify it, and that makes it possible for them to continue cheating. Due to this, you can never fully trust a narcissist.

If you want to read more about some basic tricks and methods I used to teach my mind to let go of my mental "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, please visit page Recovery after Narcissism. There are ways to teach the brain and the mind to recover faster after facing crisis such as cheating in a relationship. Those same methods can be used to get over mentally abusive relationship with a narcissistic spouse. The quality of your everyday life will become much better if you are able to teach your mind to deal with all sorts of problems instead of letting the tragedies crush you. If you can control your emotions, it will be easier for you to decide what you wish to do with your relationship.

To read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with a cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity. If you wish, you can read more about the content of this website and about my background from page Site overview or go to other sections by clicking Main Menu links (left bar).

- Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (183)
  • Amelie  - How it goes on and on and on
    To cut a long story short. Meet Mr X and was pursued/holidayed etc and then discarded on Xmas day. Believe I was vulnerable as had lost my mother less than 2 years beforehand. I got out of it as I could sense something wasn't quite right. Now, I've seen him flit from woman to woman and tells me he still doesn't want a relationship with any of them and I believe that is true; the pursuing is the hook for him, the high. Seduces, devalues and discards one after the other. Its hard as I wish to continue my hobby and see him fairly often. Seems to me he cannot quite let me go and approaches me to interact with the hobby with him. Now faced with seeing him onto the next victim whilst the other victim (not me) is still played along and also they are both in the same room at the same time, oblivious to each other. That made me feel sick. Have told him not to contact me by text anymore. I cannot afford him as I don't want to give up my hobby. He seems to watch me quite a lot and this is what I don't understand. He trys to maintain contact with me but doesn't want me in the way I wished to be loved. I stay away and focus on what is in front of me, staying neutral if he approaches me. I ignore him more now and am going to physically distance myself whilst doing the hobby I love. If he want to still interact with me it will be harder for him and he'll have to go out of his way and if he doesnt then I am free of him. That is my way of taking back my control. Don't make any effort with the narc, take it as if they cannot let you go they are the one with the hangup and if they do let you go then that's good too. Be polite and courteous for your own sake but take a little action in your head and physical actions to try to distance yourself from the hurt.It hurts when I see him with the next victim as brings it back to being all real with me again but I have to tell myself, good, that's not me, phew! Its all about getting right in our heads I think but of course I do relapse from time to time as I am a feeling person. Unless something very dramatic happens in his life I don't think he will ever change. I believe its a way of dealing with the depression inside of them instead of addressing what's behind that depression: it TEMPORARY lifts him for a while ;)
  • Hopeful
    I see that I am in the right place,,my husband is. N and now after 30years of being together,I know in my heart it not me.i don,t know what to do.i working on it.needa job to get out of here.he just told me that he has an std . I knew he was waiting on my reaction, we'll he got none, he waiting on me to do something, I am going to sit here and wait on him to do something. He want it to be me that breaks our family up,he want everyone to know it was me that done wrong, and I ended our 30 year marriage, got news for him,I am not show ant emotion .i don,t let him know I cry., he has never said they he was sorry for all the thing he has done.it was all me that done wrong.if the sun didn't come out I did it.he has wrecked me emotional and in joyed it .i am so sorry I didn't find out sooner,it all about him and his needs.no one else matters, not me or our children.he told me one night after we had an fight never want children, he was trying to hurt me. It took years of trying to please him and it was all blamed on me. I was not doing thing for him so he wouldn't cheap. I done everything I could to make him feel special and loved and needed, and he still cheated and lied to me, he would every weekend be gone or sleeping a hangover, he never want to do anything as a family. Holiday was an nightmare he is a cheaper bastard who would wreck Christmas over a few dollars, I kept this from our children. As long as I could I never made excuses for him, like him mother did his father, I would hold my angry and say nothing so my children could have a normal childhood,I did't work because he wouldn't help me with the kids, if I had a job there was all something that keep me home the car was junk and would make it, that was blame on. Me not knowing how to drive it.he would help other before me, we would give himself to other before me, I didn't need anything because I did earn it. Our young child is very sick now and still can't count on him. I think he will leave after she get better,just a feeling I have, his needs are not meet for seven years. From me, I quit he has taking everything, i beat cancer and my daughter. Help all the way,
    If I can do that I can take the time for me . I need to heal and get stronger so when I do walk away. My head will be high and my feet will keep walking never to look back, I know, I have done everything I could.
  • anonymous  - trapped
    I alohave been married to a Narc for 9 years. His behavior is despicable not only to me but to my son from a previous marriage. Its libeke a demon or the devil himself lives inside of him.
    I cant remember one pleasant experience in my life with him that he hasn't ruined. He is also an alcoholic.
    we have a precious 2 year old son who I already see him controlling.
    He convinced me to stay home with our son so I have no job or no money to get an attorney to leave him but am end. aven more frightened about the repercusions of leaving him.
    This man is physcho. He follows me. takes my phone. Wont let me out of his site.
    And he lies through his teeth every day.. just to do it..
    he will haunt me and terrorize me the rest of my life stay or go








  • Seeking Understanding & Healin  - AJ "You recognize your a Narcissist"
    I understand this post was done almost a year ago and chances of you seeing my response now are very low..but here goes anyays....You Recognized you are a "N" im curious..how has your experience been with the psychiatrist? has it really helped you? its amazing to me that you even recognize and own up to your toxic behaviour. I haveto apologize perhaps part of me wants to vent on you because i was unable to do so and be heard by my exBF I think he is "N" ive experienced enough negative and deeply upsetting situations with him for me to know something wasnt right and what we were doing as a couple was toxic and unhealthy for both of us to have a healthy life affirming life as a couple...i had to realize i was waiting for my dream man to show up again but he never will...he doesnt exist hewas only an act and a very good one...I know i have to be strong and quit him cold turkey because i recognize he would hook me back in with the knowledge that i have empathy and feelings for him to manipulate and be decieved by his empty promises and lies, part of me has felt in my gut he has cheated on me while with me; and this feeling has never left me, its like a big painful hole in my gut. I have found evidence and have caught him in lies but have excused them because i suppose it was easier emotionally to believe the lies...i think he felkt stress because it was too much for him to be kind to me this put stress on him and sooner or later he would lose it; and he knew if he lost it i would leave...so we were in a strange cycle where both of us were on eggshells...my fear he would treat me bad his fear i would walk away.....and the stress i suppose on him was not being able to be his true self with the woman he believed ad decieved that he loved. I was decieving myself that he loved me...but real love and healthy love wouldnt treat those closest to them like they were their enemies best friend! I always said if i had enemies they would love him....kinda sad...I'm still on my journey of trying to make sense and understand how i can recover from what ive lost in thhese last 4 broken yrs; I Left my ex bf just a few days ago..and i never want to see him ever again...in his mind we r still together..in my mind it is over.
    its amazing how all the stories r so similiar..i simply wish everyone healing in that deepest part of themselves that i know is aching more than anthing ever can that life wil throw at them.
  • Rachel  - question
    Let's say you leave the N boyfriend/husband. And they continually say your The One. That you are meant to be together...trying to get you back and charming their way in with really sweet and loving words. It's difficult to turn away from that. He lures you in. I actually believe him when he says he loves me and he wants to marry me. He says he knows that I would need for him to be "translucent" if we were to get back together and promises to do so (because he cheated multiple times). Is this all manipulation? Does he really mean this stuff? Also, if I never go back to him, will he ever actually feel a sense of loss and feel bad for how he treated me while we were together? Do N's have the capability to feel like they really lost something important?
  • Lauraly  - Run Away
    Rachel - DO NOT believe anything he says. He may be translucent for a couple weeks or even a month or two, but then he WILL revert back to his normal N-self. Don't fall for his sweet and charming ways; N people are master manipulators. A N person will do or say anything to manipulate the way you think and will then mess with your mind. If you break up with him he will turn it on you and make you feel like everything is your fault or that you aren't thinking "clearly". Let him say what he wants and then walk away. Also, he does not have the capabililty to feel bad no matter what you say or do; the entire thing is a losing battle on your end. Trust me. I married a N 24 years ago and we have a couple of kids. Somehow he made me feel that his cheating was my fault, that him wasting money was my fault, and that anything I did was stupid and dumb. Long story short, it took me three years to finally get the nerve up to file divorce papers. The divorce has been very difficult as he is just dragging it on and on and blaming it all on me. Additionally it has been excruciatingly difficult to have to "co-parent" with him and I will have to until our children are adults. Also, in my experience my N husband says he loves our kids, but I know that he doesn't really. He visits with them but he is not a true parent that is concerned about their development and welfare; he only does it to make himself look good in his family's eyes. So save yourself and walk away.
  • Yorkshire  - so true - affects women as well as men
    I'm a man who's suffered with a narcissistic wife for 10-years, though we have been divorced for three now.

    EVERYTHING in the above article is true, and I can't tell you how much it's helped me to read this type of information - I've blamed myself for so long thinking what I could've done better, or not done, for her to love me as I loved her.

    I realise now I surrendered my share of control in our relationship, and indeed my own life, in a vain attempt to keep her happy. I've been abused mentally, emotionally, sexually (withdrawal), financially and even physically, but like a fool I've still kept on coming back for more - my family, friends & marriage counsellor all warned me, but I couldn't ever see it.

    The hardest part is the inconsistency, entirely depending on how SHE feels, I've let her pick me up and then discard me again at a moments notice - it's staggering how quickly a narcissist can move onto a new relationship leaving you reeling, instantly justifying to themselves, til you realise that the next guy is being played in exactly the same way that you've been.

    I'm reading up more about co-dependency, as I feel I've contributed to letting myself drift along with all this, but I'm also gaining the strength to see our relationship for the sham that it was. I hope others will benefit from all the information on this site and others - many thanks for putting it together, it's really helped me.
  • Muhammad Ahmad
    Hi Dear

    In m opinion you did all to save this relationship because you really loved.mental abuse is like walking on a land mine in these relationships.Why you were going back again and again after all abuse is what referred to as Stockholm syndrome where the victim starts developing affection with abuser.Thats the worst thing in this relationship and its our minds which are programmed like this .One should make conscious decisions and move forward ASAP. Run to hills never look back.This is the only solution and donot try to save a drowning person who will pull you in water and endanger your life as well.
  • mollie  - Drowning..in a sea of narcissism..help!
    I am just trying to gain support from those who have had similar experiences. I hope to gain strength by doing this. This man has done just about everything possible to me..
  • ted  - wow!
    I am the type that can usually solve my problems however, this one is way bigger than me. It adds comfort to help identify what I have been dealing with for 24 years. Thanks to websites like this it adds clarity. With 2 kids at home it is difficult to leave. I don't want them to grow up with similar traits. However, when your wife is texting a co-worker and a long history of cheating, it is a huge blow to your self-esteem. I would never associate with a cheater, yet I am married to one. I am strong enough to deal with the day to day personal stuff but the cheating (continually denied) kills me. I wish I could give her this website and ask her if she knows who this is.
  • Gina  - Flirt
    I won't even drag out my story because its a repeat of everything I've read here. After he told me he wasn't "in love" with me after 11years of marriage (because he was cheating with an old friend and they were in love now) he asked me if anyone ever flirted with me. He was insulted when I told him that I didn't recall anyone flirting with me. Guess that bruised his ego. My main goal is to protect the child still at home.
  • Pamela  - Narcissitic husbank
    I have been married for 16 yrs. When we met on my job, he did all the flattering, declarations of love, continous contacing by phone, comparing similarities and monopolized my time. I have been doing a lot of reading today, since we had a little disagreement and turned off his ears. He is right, I am not. Everything I have read is spot on. Very scary and I feel so very sick to my stomach for putting up with this for so long. I want a divorce more than anything, but have been threatened with loosing everything I have and paying out a helfty cash settlement. Mind you, he has worked a total of 5 years in our 16 yr marriage, and he wants half of everything cause he thinks he is entitled. He walked into my life with $1200 in his pocket. I have always worked a good paying job and owned the home he moved into. I do not want to loose all that I have worked for and owned for 29 years. I feel very trapped and intimadated over this relationship.
  • nemo
    i've been married for 3 yrs now, honestly was sometimes ok and most times terrible,
    he was always blame me for everything i can't tell how is not deserve even to blame anybody about those stuff, but he usually does, second year he start to make it less but start to hurt me more by word i don't care that is reason i don't blame you much as before, when we are ok for few days he never says i love you he just wants me to say it, he always wants me to start for our private relation "sex relation" never start by himself and if i asked him why you don't be the person who start you should does that you are the man, then he goes crazy, so i just stopped telling him anything but really makes me upset after we finish i feel like i am nothing why i should always start.
    in third year of our marriage i found him emails a lot of girls throught internet asking for sex with them at begining i didn't tell him until i felt it is over my hands and i told him u have to stop, he stop for a while and then begin again and again for almost one year which ended i found him went to meet one of them and he said it was just message place and didn't do more, i did forgive him very fast and in less than month he text another girl inviting her to come home while i am not there to have sex, when i tol him i can't accept that at all he said it is my fault i am searching behind him. if i want to live happy i should stop look behind him through month from fighting and apologize from him i lift home to him. and he start to say bad stuff anout me on media like facebook to all of my friends and then after three weeks he back to apologize and put good stuff online, feel angry from him but i feel like i can't stop my self from need to have sex with him i don't know why he was the only person in my life as a sexual partner, i am not able to say no to him do u think he is narcissism person? do u think if he accept to go to sex addiction treatment and family counselor may it will work?
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