The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
In order to free yourself from the emotional "hook" your narcissistic spouse has embedded into your brain you must realize that you are a complete, whole person on your own. You do not need Narcissist to make you happy and worthy, you can create your own happiness. You alone choose how your life will evolve, do not let Narcissist make decisions for you. Once you realize that separation is actually a good thing rather than bad, you have taken a huge step towards the recovery.
In case of a mental disorder such as narcissism, a narcissist can only start to improve his or her behavior towards others after the have first realized and accepted that they have a problem. Also in case of depression, the recovery can truly begin only after person admits that he or she is depressed, stressed or has a burn-out. It is hard to admit that one cannot handle things anymore without help from outside. Often people fail to recognize the early signs of a burn-out and depression and just keep pushing forward until they finally fall.
The recovery after depression or burn-out takes a long time and may even require medication. Same applies to the recovery after a bad relationship. If you feel your life with your narcissistic spouse is taking you to this direction, please continue reading and find out how to stop the process before things go too far.
If you wish to learn about the methods I used to teach my mind and brain to let go of "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, visit page Recovery after Narcissism. There you can read more about the ways to teach the brain and the mind to get over negative events in life such as the betrayal and cheating. Same methods can be used to get over mentally abusive relationship with a narcissistic person. If you can control your emotions, it will be much easier for you to decide what to do with your relationship. You can start the recovery process today.
We are locked behind the invisible bars our own mind has created
One often fails to see how bad the state of the relationship really is, until the damages are already extensive. This happens because in the beginning the relationship with a narcissist is like living a dream. During this dream-like period, the emotional "hooks" are buried deep into your brain. See article Cheating and the Brain for more details about this process of becoming addicted to a narcissist in the beginning of the relationship.
This addiction is the reason why it is so difficult to let go of the relationship with your narcissistic husband or wife. We do not want to let go, because we believe we have something that we actually do not have. We think we have a certain kind of a relationship with a certain kind of a person, when in fact our relationship is completely different. We are still living in an illusion that our relationship is special, we believe that under all the dirt we must put up with there is that wonderful person we once fell in love with, wonderful life we used to have and wonderful relationship of our dreams.
But reality is that we never had that kind of a relationship. It never existed. The "wonderful" person we fell in love with was just a mask, hiding the true narcissistic personality. The real person is what we now see, and it is not a pretty sight. A narcissist is a hollow, empty and sad figure. When we learn to see our narcissistic partner this way, we are able to free ourselves. When we see a narcissist as he or she really is, we realize that we do not need him/her to make us feel "whole". The reality is that we were whole before our narcissistic spouse stepped into our life, and we will be whole again after we get him/her out of our world. This is the most important thing you must realize. Nothing stands between you and Happiness, Harmony and most of all Freedom, except your narcissistic spouse.
Are you still fooling yourself and believing that you might find happiness with your misbehaving spouse? Do not worry. These things take time to sink in. Eventually you will realize that the path with a narcissist is a dead end. Do not blame yourself if it takes a bit of time for you to break free. You are only a human, and these things are not easy. This is the reason I created this website, to help you on your long and difficult path towards freedom and away from the dark realms of your narcissistic spouse. In the end there will be light, I promise you that!
It is tragic that so many people believe they will be happy if they stay in a burning house (that is, in a relationship with a narcissist) and that they will be sad if they run to a beautiful beach (leave their spouse). This seems to go completely against all logic. This is an example of the mental traps and prisons we have created in our mind. We are literally the prisoners of our own mind, and we will stay behind the invisible bars as long as we fail to see things for what they really are.
Plato and the Cave
From Allegory of the Cave:
"Plato imagines a group of people who have lived chained in a cave all of their lives, facing a blank wall. The people watch shadows projected on the wall by things passing in front of the cave entrance, and begin to ascribe forms to these shadows. According to Plato, the shadows are as close as the prisoners get to seeing reality. He then explains how the philosopher is like a prisoner who is freed from the cave and comes to understand that the shadows on the wall are not constitutive of reality at all, as he can perceive the true form of reality rather than the mere shadows seen by the prisoners."
The victims of narcissists are like people in Plato's cave: We do not believe it when somebody tells us there is light and sunshine and beautiful fields outside the cave, if we only take one step towards the right direction. We insist on staying in the darkness of the cave, because that world, regardless of its horrors, has become familiar to us. That is the world we know and even though we are not completely happy living in it, we are afraid to leave. We are afraid that we may not find anything better, that we might be left completely alone. But anything is better than to sit in a dark, cold, wet cave (grave) and just wait for the death. Outside the cave we at list have a chance of survival, we even have a chance to achieve Happiness. Whatever will happen outside the cave, it will be far better than to live and die in darkness.
Having said that, let me say that I do understand how difficult it is to leave a narcissistic husband or wife. The mental hooks are buried so deep. I know this very well, because I have been in a similar situation with my former narcissistic spouse. I know how it feels like when your brain is screaming at you "run, get out of here as fast as you can!", but your heart makes you stay. If you are now in that situation, keep reading articles on this website and slowly you will start to realize what is best for YOU. Eventually you will reach the point when you will be strong enough to break free and leave. The purpose of this website is to help you in that process.
Search your feelings and you will realize that your sadness, depression and anxiety are due to the fact that you believe your life will be somehow "empty" and "gray" without your narcissistic wife or husband. You have built yourself an identity as a spouse of your partner and now you should rearrange your view of yourself and your life. This process is very painful. But trust me, you will get through it.
There will be light on the other side
It was extremely difficult for me to end the relationship with my narcissistic spouse. I wrote about some of my emotions related to the thought of the separation and the actual separation in article Ending the Relationship with a Narcissist. Read that article to see if you have been experiencing similar feelings in your relationship with your narcissistic husband or wife. If you have, I am sorry to say this, but I must: You should let go of your relationship. It is not going to get better, it will only get worse.
A narcissist can seldom change. You will always carry the negative memories with you and as time goes by, new bad things will most likely happen. All these things will keep piling up until your mind will eventually break. It can happen within months, years or tens of years, but eventually you are no longer able to accept the sick, twisted lifestyle of your narcissistic spouse. For your sake, I wish this process will not take tens of years. To find out how you can teach your mind to let go of a toxic relationship, visit page Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism. If you have been feeling depressed or anxious due to the problems in your relationship, read this article to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind to recover: Training the Brain.
If you wish to read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity.
You can write to me and tell about your experiences by going to page Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse, Information. If you wish to read more about me and my background, please go to page Site overview. From Site overview you can read short description of contents of this site and you find out how to contact me. If you are in relationship with a narcissistic mental abuser, I believe you will find useful information from this site that will help you to heal. Go to other sections of this site by clicking Main Menu links (left bar).
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to