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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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First of all, it is always better not to make a narcissist angry, since narcissists can be very vengeful. Another reason for not to upset a narcissist is that for the so-called "normal" people (those of us who are not narcissistic), the revenge is usually only a short-term relief. It may turn against you once the sharpest peak of your anger has faded. You may feel you have sunk into the same level with a narcissist, and that is not a pleasant feeling. For a narcissist, taking revenge on somebody is not a problem, since they do not have normal emotions and they are incapable of feeling guilt and compassion.

Having said all that, if you still feel you want to make a narcissist feel bad, below are some tips as to how to accomplish that. If you wish to read about the methods I used to teach my mind and my brain to get rid of the "addiction" to a narcissist, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism. 

What is a narcissist most afraid of?

Answer is the humiliation, ignorance and overlook by others around him. If you can create a situation where a narcissist feels his or her cover has been blown and other people see him or her as he or she truly is, that would be a perfect revenge against a narcissist. A narcissist is empty from inside, and his or her worst fear is that others will see that emptiness. Be careful, however, that you do not do anything illegal in your attempt to create a situation in which a narcissist would feel bad. Also, do not let a narcissist realize that you have deliberately created that situation, he or she may try to take the revenge against you with an incredibly nasty ways only a narcissist can think of.

A narcissist hates to be wrong

If you can prove a narcissist to be wrong, that is making him or her feel small and insignificant, a feeling that a narcissist hates. If there is a debate and you know that you are right about something and a narcissist is wrong, best way is simply to present the waterproof evidence to a narcissist and then walk away, without too much explanation. If you start to talk about things or debate with a narcissist, he or she can magically turn things around and make it sound as if you understood him or her wrong, that a narcissist actually meant the same as you, but you just did not understand it. Another possibility is that a narcissist gets extremely angry and hostile. Both are unpleasant options, so best thing to do is simply to leave a narcissist alone.

Ignorance is the worst thing that can happen to a narcissist, especially after they have made some sort of a mistake. Only thing that could be worse is if you laughed at their face, but of course that is not wise, since you do not want the anger and rage of a narcissist to fall upon you. I have faced situations with a narcissist when I knew I was right about something, and I brought written evidence (from google, dictionary etc) and a narcissist would not even look at what I got, but would instead switch to the narcissistic rage mode during which a narcissist becomes blind and deaf to all reason and just shouts and argues as if he or she suddenly turned mad. This is a self-protection mechanism, since it is very painful for a narcissist to be wrong and so a narcissist is avoiding it at all cost. Rage is a mask a narcissist uses when a narcissist realizes he or she is in danger to be proven wrong. Therefore the best thing to do is that you leave evidence proving you were correct somewhere where a narcissist can easily find it and then simply leave and let a narcissist boil in anger in solitude.

If you are interested in learning about the methods I used to teach my brain to let go of the "addiction" to a narcissist, visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism. These methods are used to overcome the mental pain due to cheating but they can also be used to break free and recover after an abusive relationship with a narcissist. If you are able to control your emotions, it is much easier for you to decide what to do with your relationship with a narcissist. If you are feeling depressed or anxious due to the problems in your relationship, visit this page to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind to recover: Training the Brain.

To read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with a cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity. If you wish, you can read more about the content of this website and about my background from page Site Overview or go to other sections by clicking Main Menu links (left bar).

- Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

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Comments (397)

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• |2012-02-04 02:49:23 H  - Thank you
  Thank you for writing me some thing so heart felt
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• |2012-02-04 12:28:52 HDG  - Hey that's me!
  Thank you so much Elise. Your response is very well written. I wanted to add that the typical "Narcissistic Mother" that you describe sometimes is male...my father has all of these qualities to a T. I grew up in an abusive household with a narcissistic father who beat me up regularly...I was a straight A kid going to school in CT in the 60's and everyone saw...but noone did a thing. Went to a great university and settled into a great job in NYC and married a guy who beat me up regularly as well. (ya think i'd learn?) and then took 10 years to heal and "find myself" and get an MBA. well don't you know that was when my father cut me off. he couldn't bear to see someone more successful than he...He only came back into my life after I married again and had kids. I've since divorced and can sadly say spend zero holiday with my father, brother and his family. My father successfully told all that I was the BLACK SHEEP and mentally ill. (Yeah i struggle with depression and sometimes take meds) My son just had his bar mitzvah...and all my father wanted to know was...what was HE doing for the bar mitzvah. The service? So I did the right thing and gave him some honors. It's now nearly 6 months later and we haven't heard from my father. My brother's kid had a bat mitzvah 6 weeks after my son's...and my father paid for the entire thing. He didn't even buy a bottle of wine for my kid's luncheon. So now my kids are struggling with being the BLACK SHEEP also. Which is funny considering they are A kids in honors classes and do sports as well as millions of chores.
  
  The funny thing is...we're happier this way. My father is evil. He is making my brother and sister in law over in his image. He has totally disconnected me from all of my family. And it is SO HURTFUL. But maybe for the best.
  
  I read your entry Elise and it gives me comfort to know that I've walked away from a monster. My father may be showering love and attention onto my brother and his family, but there's alot of suffering that will come of it. This kind of thing is perpetuated. We are better off.
  
  
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• |2012-02-01 04:38:44 Elise  - To H
  It sounds like you have the smothering narcissistic mother. i have the ignoring narcissistic mother, but they (your mother and mine) do the same thing as narcissistic mothers. They take over and take control over everyone and everything you love. They try (very successfully) to make you the outcast and reject of your own life even though most daughters will keep crawling back to see if they will get their mother's approval and love. ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. EVER. Not even if you change your responses to them and agree with everything they say and be their doormat. MY ADVICE TO YOU: If you are able to support yourself and stay away from boyfriends and girlfriends who are like her in behavior towards you, and you can find a way to be self confident in your own worth, and be calm, then STAY AWAY. I know you want a family, and be loved by your family, but you will never have this with her around. I am sorry. But for your own health and safety (for your soul, spirit, dignity and stress levels etc) you must move away from her and stay away without feeling any guilt or shame (which they LOVE to do) and BE YOUR OWN FAMILY. Know this, I tried many decades (to earn my mother's love, be not longer the "bad seed, etc.), and as a person in your same boat, I can tell you I understand, and for your comfort, I send you my love and support. You are not alone anymore. And you are lucky, VERY LUCKY to realize this, at such a young age, as I didn't even know there was a name for this kind of treatment until recently (and I'm in my 40's) when I typed in a search engine: is there a illness for a mother who rejects their daughter? And amazingly I get a textbook version of my life experience. So, please take my advice. And though a smothering mother is considering less painful than a ignoring mother, you need to know when to turn away (without arguing with them - at all - as that doesnt work with them). If you need to see your brother, make sure you can take him somewhere with you, so you can spend time alone with him, like make it you are doing a favor for her, otherwise, if it is too uncomfortable to be under her stare, then you must stay away or find a way to keep your self esteem when you see him. What she says isnt true about you. You are a worthy family member. You are a worthy person deserving respect without strings attached. Remember that!
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• |2012-01-30 22:02:53 MeeMeeB  - It's just so simple...
  If they're not good to you...they're not good for you.
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• |2012-01-30 02:25:33 marie  - Best Revenge
  Best revenge for me has been to see the N's own adult children start to understand these traits and confront N about them. It's taken 10 years. Although in the end nothing will really change, it is fun to see N's "perfect image" being upset by own children.
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• |2012-01-30 08:55:05 Paula  - You are so very right!!!
  My children have taken a bit and still more to go, but they are finally seeing their dad's "N" behavior. He has vacated to another state (and has a new gf, whew, maybe he will marry her). But the best revenge is for my children seeing that their dad doesn't care. He is letting our house go under foreclosure. Thank goodness I have another attorney so I can protect me and my children from the sickness he has. Good luck to all those who are married to the "N". Chin up!!
  
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• |2012-01-29 19:08:04 Anonymous
  excellent advice, thx
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• |2012-01-29 01:05:48 Silverfox57  - This article is insightful about the aspect of Nar
  I read many articles on Narcissistic Personality Disorders and this one is the most insightful. I am dealing with a husband with this disorder after 30 years of marriage and it has been a living hell. It seems like he cannot ever get his act together with finances, providing housing and living stability for his family and other aspects of making life enjoyable and stable for me, as his wife. He is classic in how he reacts to difficulties and other personal challenges and frustrations, blaming me for what goes wrong. I would like to say to any one who is confronted by a person, initially entering their lives for the first time in a relationship who is CHARMING, ATTENTIVE TO THEIR EVERY NEED, OVERBEARING, CONTROLLING or does not allow personal space outside of them, in the dating phase of the relationship, PLEASE RUN LIKE HELL FROM SUCH A PERSON. These are all clues that something is OFF BASE and needs your immediate attention. Healthy people do not have a need to DOMINATE OTHER PEOPLE LIVES, in order to get recognition or to be valued. This kind of person will destroy your life in every area to gain leverage of their own and are emotionally dangerous to be with, on a short-term or long-term basis. BE WISE AND RECOGNIZE THE DANGER SIGNS EARLY ON FOR YOUR SAFETY AND SANITY.
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• |2012-01-27 21:03:51 kiim  - FIREMAN Dan from Edmonton is a Mongrel
  Wow....Fireman Dan, put himself on a dating site (POF) claiming he was seperated. He's still married with 2 little children. Cheated on his wife, and left her when she had cancer. What an @#$%^&%@! Everybody.....70 to 80% of people on dating sites are cheaters (proven statistics) What a sorry assed excuse for a human being. If they can cheat on their wives....they will cheat on you. Not worth the emotional pain you will suffer. I feel so sorry for his wife & children. Poor lady. She deserves better. I deserve better and every other woman this bastard plays with deserves better. Sociopaths and narcissists are everywhere. They say 1 in 4. (They DO exsist in the police force, in the fire hall...politicians.....) Everywhere. Our society is extremely screwed up when nobody has morals, values or honour left anymore. We've become a pathetic world. Get a dog....they're more loyal
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• |2012-01-28 23:55:05 Linda  - Amen Sista
  I hear ya! Amen to that! Standards and requirements...that's what we need. I have standards and requirements for my potential man. If he doesn't meet them, then it's a no brainer....he's gone. it's that simple. When I "waffle" on it, then I'm wasting my time and his. (and I'm sure as hell not getting any younger!) LOL Steve Harvey has a great book out "Act like a Lady and Think Like a Man" (or something close to that). For a man, he's got it right! Standards and Requirements ladies...just sayin. Look for what you want, ask for what you need and don't put up with anything less.
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• |2012-01-25 08:47:29 Nora  - Still Stuck
  This is the first time I am writing my feelings concerning my NPD husband of 23 years. Found out about these creatures only last March. He is cheating with many women. Seems to be his past time. Had a stroke and fully recovered, but still feel weak and jittery whenever he goes on his rampage. Hangin in there. Waiting for my children to finish their U. This would take another 3 years. Hopefully by then, God will show me a way out.
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• |2012-01-16 23:18:03 Doormat  - Am I the Narcissist or is he?
  I have done so much research and feel I have been severely emotionally abused by my Narcissistic lover, but now I'm questioning myself. As I read things on the internet, some of the traits they have are how I feel e.g. they want to seek revenge, call the Police, stalk/spy to get proof, feeling suicidal (although I won't), cry my heart out in private. All these things I have read point to a Narcissist, but I feel I'm the one being abused. I gave him a 7 month break after being rude to me. I walked away without looking back, I was almost over him in September and he contacted me in October. I was so pleased to hear from him, but within three weeks, he stopped all the sweeties, sexy, I love yous and said "I think a friendship is good, but sex is a destructable force, therefore, I no longer have a need for it, but if I decide to take it up again, it will be with you". I'll just hang around for 20 years shall I just in case????????? This guy has been a sex maniac the whole time I've known him, over 30 years on and off and I sometimes got sick of every conversation turning into sexual inuendo. You can't just one day decide you don't want it ... or can you. My concern is, am I being Narcissistic or am I so traumatised, I'm turning into HIM? I have given my entire love and so many gifts to him and I've never got much back, a couple of tacky ornaments and a couple of dinners - some I paid for. Yes, over 30 years. Hotels on business, my work paid for and he "accidentally" pressed the adult channel whilst I left him in the hotel room to attend a work function and meet him later. Have I caused this?
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• |2012-01-17 23:11:44 me  - Doormat
  You've allowed it to continue. YOU DESERVE BETTER! Let me repeat that...you deserve better!!! He's playin you and devaluing you and you're letting him.
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• |2012-01-19 20:49:56 Doormat  - I can see clearly now
  Thank you ME. You are so right. Funny, he always called himself "Me" when we text, emailed or called and it became "our" nickname. Hi, it's Me. You are so right. I re-read my comment and I answered my own questions. I'm so much stronger each day and no more contact. I will always love him for who he is because I always have, but I will not tolerate anymore. He's never done this before, but I've realised quite a few events were slight hints of narcissism. Because I'm now challenging him, I'm on the out. I've had silent treatment for 2.5 months now or the odd text putting it all back on me. I'm blamed for not listening to him. Ummmm, you're not speaking, so what's to listen to. The way to deal with a Narcissist/Passive Aggressive, is no contact at all. Keep busy and live. I started ignoring how beautiful each day can be sitting inside day after day over the summer. If someone asked what the weather was like I couldn't say. Do the things you enjoy.
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• |2012-01-20 17:10:10 ME  - YEA! You can see clearly now!
  Thanks for sharing your story. It is cute! (about the Me...I do the same thing). Your narcissist may try to 'up the ante' if you will, cause he realizes you aren't going to let him push you around anymore and he's scared. (really skarred)....lol Keep up the good work and stay strong! I'm proud of you. You can do it! You deserve way better and will get it as you grow, heal and open up that space that he took up so grandly for someone else who is way healtier..I promise. Keep me posted.
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• |2012-01-16 19:12:04 Anonymous
  There's a website that Dr. Karyn McBride has that deal with narcissistic mothers solely. Its a good site. I hope it helps you. There's also a book by Wendy Behary...don't recall the name.
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