...after being abused and being told i was going mad by my ex narc, and believing her for my own sanity [she left me this way], i decided to seek the truth about her affair. When she found that out and when i found out the truth i already new [i trust myself 100% now with the help of sites like this, thank you], she became very angry. She cant stand that all her evil ways are out for all the people to see, my family especially. It was very hard 2 deal with nobody believing me. I attempted suicide but finding out i am not insane and the hatred she shows have helped with my recovery. I am [16 mths on] seeing a cognitive therapist and also take anti depressants. I cant wait 2 find the real me again after 11 years of this hidden torture. Thanks again. Alan

"Vaknin is the king author in the area of Narcissism"

He has npd himself, I wouldn't recommend anything by him

Once a N always an N. I WILL NOT read ANYTHING by Sam Vaknin. Even if it sound true, it may or may not be. He is an N and N's can NEVER be trusted no matter what the circumstances! There are many many more resources. Stay away from Sam.

Thank you for this great site, Maria! I have read your book and most of the articles here, they have helped me so much. I know now it is not about me, my boyfriend has a serious mental problem. Last 3 years have been simply HELL... But better late than never! I will NOT let him ruin the rest of my life, as he has been ruining last 3 years. Thank you for giving me new determination and faith!

I am having a time with my little narc. BF. On my way home for a meeting that we were to attend together I get an awful Voicemail cussing me out for not having my phone on and how he is so pissed im not answering. THen he proposes to me in the kitchen. we attend the meeting and then i hear afterward how awful i sounded and how he didn't like how i represented myself and how i was a bitch. he said I sounded "Manic". Funny the meeting was about my 6 year olds IEP meeting becuase she is having problems with focusing in first grade. I get cussed out the whole way home and drop him off. I go to work , come home and get more crap from him and then ask,:Why do you talk to me so hateful." He tells me this is the way that he talks. I puuled the ring off my finger. put it on the taable in front of him and walk away. He then starts to scream at me and cuz ..."You Bitch!" You fu**ing Bitch." This is what Im supposed to spend the rest of my life with...I think not. unfortunately im pregnant and we have 3 children together and share a lease. Why do I do this to myself. Why am i the bitch when all i demand is to be spoken to with respect!

Hey Sara
you are not the bitch and dont you think that you are. I hope you really look at how he is treating you and noone deservees to be treated like that. I have been married for 23 years and have 3 children too. I am in process of getting a divorce. I look back at the ways my husband talked to me, did not hold up his part of responsiblity, would yell at our kids and sometimes call them names. I feel so bad because i allowed that to happen, but i guess i thought he would get better and i wanted to do whatever i could to keep my family together. Well now i feel my whole marriage was a lie. I found out hes been cheating on me probably the last 23 years. Its devastating. I want you to look at what is going on now and realize it does not get better. They are who they are. But be strong and do what you need to for you and the kids. I am afraid my kids think his behavior is normal I guess i thought so for all that time. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

I have this woman friend of mine who is a classic example of NPD. Interestingly, she has been honest with me in many respects. She has admited getting depressed because of her unfulfilling relationships, blaming her partner, of course. But yet she has shown her vulnerability to me, at least half-knowingly. So I do have a weakness for her, despite her potentially lethal personality. Unfortunetaly, I did have to push her back forcefully because of her heart-felt sense of entitlement to my time and space. I am perfectly aware she may seek revenge. Yet, I feel sorry for her after all. In any case, I am certain I am better off this way than if I had let her continue her little controling routine.

Great article, sooo true! I am also from Europe so forgive me for my grammatical mistakes but would like to tell you that I understand so well your situation and the bad moments you lived with the Narcissist. I am an older woman and my mother passed away while I was with one of them; this man who seemed to be very promissing and loving towards my mom and myself was far from the truth. Today all the humiliation and went thru falls into place because I realized that he is a Narcissist and that explains the 5 horrible years I spent with him. He is wicked and dangerous to any women who approach him because he is a master of disguise and manipulates like no one. One day I left his home thru a miracle; I indeed believe that God enlightened me and somehow I managed to leave him but, gee, how much humiliation I endured. I am still in pain for, as I said, I am an older woman and it seems that the older you are the more sensitive you become; he definitely marked me for life, unfortunately I am not the same person I used to be.
Best regards,
Susana

Susana:

Your statements are so true. I too have been with a man with NPD and a history of Traumatic Head Injury. I have been here for (5) years, just like you. I feel exactly the same as you.
I am an older woman and I feel as though I wasted the last good years of my life on someone who treated me with disrespect and humiliated me very often. Always in very subtle ways. I am not the same person that I was either. I am in the process of leaving this man. I made the first step and made a deposit on a rental. I know that I have to hold my ground until I get out. Not fast enough. I am forever changed from this experience and not for the good. I take some solace in knowing that I am not crazy and that there are other individuals out there who have experienced the same treament as me and know the convoluted mind of the narc.

Thank You,
Kyle

please someone help me im a single mum who is so depressed because of my on and off relationship with a n im getting desperate?

Dear Friend,

Please provide some more details about your situation, that helps me to give you best possible feedback. You are not alone. Warm hug, Maria

Im writing to ask what to do in this situation:I have recently realised my best friend(who i have been friends with for 4 years)is a narcissist and she seems to care less about me now that she is seeing my ex (who is also a narcissist.)I can't stand my ex who is always trying to upset me and is continuously saying horrible things about me. It is upsetting that my best friend has stuck with him and is not as friendly as she was with me. I think they make each other worse with their narcissism.

My ex just left me again, two days ago. He's done it multiple times before. Usually after an outburst of anger, after realizing that I'm not perfect, after seeing that I have flaws. Or when I insult him on accident, when I don't do exactly as he says. This time he left me because he wanted to see other women, to find out if 'I'm really the best it gets'.

For such a long time I've had this voice in the back of my head, this intuition telling me that something wasn't right. If he really loved me, then why would he do certain things, right?

He's had anger problems. He gets insulted over the smallest things, will never admit he's wrong. Even when I just disagree with him, he makes a big deal out of it. One time it was about a song he liked; I told him I didn't like it at all and he bursted out in anger saying: "You know nothing about this kind of music so your opinion doesn't count."

He changes his own rules and morals when he sees it fit. He yells at me, calls me names, says things to hurt me (and even admits to doing it on purpose), but the moment I yell back or get angry, he threatens to leave. "If you don't drop it right now, you will lose me."

Our relationship was so amazing the first couple of months. The person I thought he was, was loving, caring, intelligent, sincerely interested in me and honest, loyal. Although I know he has not cheated on me (99% of all women are whores in his eyes and he's too good to sleep with whores - his words), most of everything that our relationship was built on turned out to be a lie. All it was ever about: Me trying to be perfect for him, trying to adjust myself to his expectations. And worst of all: the rules, the consequences, the 'penal code', the spite, the revenge. Every little thing I did wrong was followed by some punishment to 'teach me' not to de certain things. He would even warn me for it, saying things like

"I'm warning you, you're going to regret it."

"I told you I didn't want this but you did it anyway and now I'll make sure you'll regret it."

"I don't tolerate disrespect. We are not equal, and it will have consequences."

"You make a problem out of everything. You should be happy I'm with you at all."

And at times where he left me, he would enjoy kicking me while I was down, telling me how worthless I am, how miserable he has been with me, and that I will end up living alone forever because nobody else would be able to put up with me. Whatever I did, it was never good enough.

I was such a confident, intelligent person, with moral convictions and personal boundaries. Years ago, if someone would have told me that I would accept so much disrespect, humiliation, bad treatment or mental abuse, I would have laughed at them. But somehow over time my boundaries faded. I forgave him once, then twice, and now I can't count anymore how many times I have betrayed myself by making up excuses for him.

"He was right, I was being unreasonable."
"He's going through such a hard time, my emotions are less important now."
"He just has anger problems, he doesn't really mean what he says."
"It's true. I knew it would piss him off so it's my own fault."

He could be so truly intimidating. I kept holding on to what I thought we had. That loving relationship where he loved me as much as I loved him. And the less he gave me, the more I gave him, in hope it would somehow change everything back. I realize now that I haven't really been happy. I realize now that I barely ever smile or really laugh anymore, because all this hangs over me like a cloud.

How did I miss the signs? Or better, how could I have ignored the signs? Because I did see them. I feel devastated, betrayed, ashamed and weak. Even while typing this I can't keep it dry because I miss 'him' so much. We were engaged, we were going to spend our life together, at least that's what I thought. How could I have devalued myself so much? How could I have accepted this treatment? I don't fully understand how it all got this far, because this is just not the person I was, not the person I'm supposed to be. I used to be so strong, independent, full of self respect and self love. Now there's nothing left.

I feel like a shell of what I used to be. With only faint memories of the person I want to be again. I admit, I was (and still am, somehow) infatuated with him. I loved how much he loved me. Or pretended to love me, I can't even differentiate anymore. I feel like I'm in a web, trying to find out what was true and what wasn't. When he said he loved me, what he really meant was that he loves the way I adore him, admire him and boosted his ego. Or, I didn't even boost his ego, because he 'already knew how amazing he was.' If I were to give him a compliment, like "You are so special" he would reply with "I know, but thanks for saying that."

I lost him. Or well, I never really had him to begin with, right? And I lost myself in the proces. I don't know why I'm typing all this, I guess I just need an outlet for my emotions, because I haven't been able to for a very long time. I had to tip-toe around him. Any sign of emotion or 'weakness' would only make him more angry or mean or distant. I always felt like he didn't actually care about my feelings. Me feeling bad was an insult to him, because it showed him that he somehow did something wrong. And in his mind that was impossible to understand, because how could he be wrong? He was so amazing after all. So I have all these unfinished issues and emotional bagage and no way of getting rid of it. The only person who could have helped me with it was him, but he just wouldn't, or couldn't.

Anyway, I'm sorry for this long rant. I guess the thing that bothers me most now, is that I don't even know what's going to happen. He's gone, I have no idea what he's doing. If he somehow finds another victim, I know I probably won't hear from him ever again. And if he doesn't, and comes back, I don't even know how I will respond. He has such a hold over me. Even after reading 4 books on Narcissism and reading countless websites like this one, there is still some naive feeling of hope inside me. Hope that somehow I'm wrong and he does love me. Hope that somehow he will change, or that I can help him.

Because even after realizing that I've never really loved 'him' (because he is practically non-existent) but just his.. false self, I do truly love him. And it pains me to the core to know that he will never be truly happy. It's almost like seeing a child in pain but being unable to help, being forced to stand by and watch it suffer. I wish I could help him, I truly wish I could somehow make sure he would be happy. But he won't even admit to having a problem. He couldn't even admit to being wrong, EVEN if I presented him with solid proof, so let alone admitting something is wrong with HIM.

I'm facing an emptiness and I don't know how to handle it, because most people don't even believe me. They only know him as the charming, caring, social and intriguing person he presents himself as, and they think I'm making it all up.. I'm trapped in a battle between my mind and my heart. My mind KNOWS now, but my heart can't keep up. And I'm the kind of person who somehow always lets their heart win.

I thank you for making this website, it made me understand some things and open my eyes. I just hope that some day I will find the strength a lot of other people have found too. To break free and recover.

And again, excuses for the long comment.

OMG! I literally can't believe I just read your post, it could have been taken out of my mouth verbatam. I have an almost exactly same situation, my Nar. fiance, has broken up with me or attempts numerous times over the last 2 1/2 years..he has finally left for good, or so I think, and my daughter(1 year) and I will be free of his unstable ways. I have never posted before anywhere, but when I read your post I couldn't not post, Be strong, and you will get through this, He is just one of 6 BILLION people in this world. You will find someone who truly makes you happy, not just you always trying to please.

I totally understand what you are going through!! I have been on a roller coaster ride with my Narc for 8 years...Everytime the break-up would get more cruel and without feeling.

I agree with piloterror below. But I see that we behave like gamblers...and that might be our fault - and our redepmtion...we thinkn we've hit the big luck...I think that what makes a relatioship like this addictive is the fact that is not a fair exchange. And u keep trying to recover that first wonderful feeling of success u hd at the beginning...like a gambler that wins at first...And because, as someone has said here, the person does not really exist, whatever you gave, you've lost. Also, you can neither love or avenge ur lost love. It is you alone in the world with a big whole in u innermost self.I tried TO MAKE THIS INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE. Treated ,myself like the addict I AM (not was!). Try this: do a good LITTLE thing for urself, like walking around the house, not taking sugar in ur coffe,or take it bitter - it is delicious! - reading a page of some special library u have bought and have abandoned in ur depression. Preferably, the same thing, daily and ritually. Make it an actual note to ur brain about that person being low, mean and that YOU KNOW - and the idea is that ur behaviour will remind you of that - that person will NEVER CHANGE so you MUST NEVER BE DECEIVED BY the person's CHARMS AGAIN, whenever u are weak, remember ur absurd daily ritual telling u: there is no forgivenness here! And that the little good that u've turned that person into is an exact measure of the little being that the person is. Nothing better could be made of it. And u only did something good out of that because u are a humand being, full of possibilities.And NEVER tell an NP u are happy or that you have recovered ur peace of mind. Make sure this NP forgets you! The sad thing is: if this NP's forgotten you is probably because she/he is sucking someone else...One day, some NP-DNA detecting device will be available and we will be able to protect humanity from them.

Wow. You just described the last three years of my life. The advice that I can give you is let him go. There was no relationship to begin with. I still can't believe that I let a man manipulate me like this also. Like you, I was confident, strong and tough before I met this man. I waited three years to live again the wonderful first months of the relationship. That never happened. I started hanging around my girlfriends more often to gain some energy. Today, I finally left him for good. I feel great! Now I will ignore him completely. And remember the "no contact" rule. All he wants is your attention, wether it's negative or positive. Let him find another pray. Go read on the following website: samvak.tripod.com.
Good luck. Feel free to email back for support.

I had to check back a few times to make sure I didn't write your story. You told the story of my life too!! I am now free from my ex N but still am dealing with the baggage of years of abuse. Time is healing though and reading posts like yours helps to validate MY reality and to know there are many of us who have been targets of such awful abusive partners.

We all have been blinded by our love for a narcassist. Always trying to recapture the love that was shared in the beginning. I have suffered, as you are now, for 5 yrs. dating a pilot on and off. They always come back when they need supply. It never ends until you finally see them for who they are and walk away never looking back. All hope is gone.

My N.recently came back dangling once again the marriage carrot. He was done with dating, changed his ways and wanted me to come home to. I let him back in believing that he finally has changed and chosen me.

Within 4 weeks, red flags started appearing again. I found out through a series of events within a 24 hr. period that he was dating 4 women. One of the others, he was pursuing heavily to marry him. They have only known each other for 3 months. I was devastated to hear how he was pursuing her.

I finally have the knowledge I need to walk away forever. I am no longer blinded. I think it is sad that the other woman has all of this knowledge of his lies, cheating and 3 other women and she is going to take him back after dating him for only 3 months. They are so good at manipulation and lies. When you lose respect for him and yourself, you will be set free. Know that you have many on this site who understand you and your feelings. You will survive this.

Wow...I am not alone. I am a strong, single mother who got involved with a never-married, no children airline pilot. He was respectful and decent and seemed very emotionally stable. However, nearly 2 and a half years into the in-depth relationship, we started attending pre-marital counseling due to his fear of marrying the wrong person. It was totally his idea--I never suggested it. The counselor initially told him that he felt that everything looked great and that any of his concerns could be worked out successfully.

For the next couple of months, the relationship was heaven for me--he was letting his guard down and everything was great. That was a cruel set-up for what was to come..He started to provoke situations...He started to stew over minor things...What I did not realize, was that he was sabotaging the relationship so that he could create a "legitimate reason" to avoid marriage. He turned into a person that did not even resemble the man that I fell in love with.

I held on for a year after that--even though he was telling me that he did not want to be with me anymore. I humiliated myself and gave up my personal power and dignity. He cut me off like I never meant anything to him. This type of emotional disfunction was so foreign to me, that I was basically in denial that someone could detach so coldly. In that last year, he withheld love and sex and commitment, but would manipulate my normal emotions by mixed messages and mental games. He just wanted to keep me "on tap" while he played.

The things that I have discovered about him have blown my mind. The airline industry is one of the most perverse environments that I have ever heard about. My ex was not the exception--he was one of the ones keeping that perversion going...The relationship finally "ended" (for me) back in August of 2009...I had been going through an unbelievable amount of difficulty that included unemployment and a cancer diagnosis. He didn't care. This man, who I had at one time would be my husband and a father of our children, was the most cruel and disturbed man I have ever known. (And I have known some real winners...) In the midst of all his cruelty, he maintained an image of stability with his family and friends.
To add insult to injury, he had villainized me to his family and friends, so as to protect his sacred image.

It has been nine months since that end and I am still going through the grieving process. I surprised myself be being able to be, for the most part no contact. He dumped me. He cut me off emotionally, physically, and verbally. I don't understand why he is going "under the radar" to find out what I am doing, or who I am seeing. I hear that he is angry with ME! He dumped me! He abandoned me when I needed someone to be there for me in my greatest time of need! And HE is enraged at me! He sees no wrongdoing on his part and feels wronged! I will never date another airline pilot.

What has been commented on this site by women who have experienced life with one is "right on" and my heart goes out to anyone who has experienced the Dr Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde life with one. Their "status" and financial comfort enable them to obtain endless sources of narcissistic supply (flight attendants and other groupies...). They will never run out of "their drug" and therefore will not feel a need to change their behaviors. The worse thing that could happen to them is to lose their jobs and therefore lose their ability to obtain NS. I feel that my ex not only chose the airline business as a career, but he sold his soul for it as well...

Dear Piloterror,

I was with a pilot for 20 years, I was 18 when we met and we have 2 children. I cannot tell you how I feel right now but I am shocked at how I keep being shocked at what is revealed about him. The only emotion he has ever shown is anger if I inconvenience him and that was not difficult to do. If I disobeyed him or had needs or was emotional or affectionate or ill.... he saw it all as weaknesses. I thought we had officially separated 5 years ago and moved away to a different country but he would come on his days off and act like lord of the manor. He didn't even react when I met someone else and treated them with veiled disdain, I found out before cristmas that he had not actually filed the deed of seperation agreement which we signed, and has hidden money everywhere and had betrayed so much of my trust while appearing to be helpful. I finally stood up to him and asked him to leave and he became very violent and I thought he would kill me only when I reminded him he would loose his job did he stop. I was granted a safety order for this by the courts. 2 days later he met an asian girl and has been with her daily since and has been cut out all of the people who knew him and is with a totally new group. He has left us totally in shock and only uses the kids as a story. He became violent on a supervised visitation also. I am feeling today though as I sit here trying to understand who I am and what a fool I have been that he has just started a whole new life and would love nothing better than to see me fall flat on my face. I am so very tired. I do not have the energy to keep going and I despise myself for feeling and being so weak. I see him now his true colours without his mask and me for the tool/object that I was. His girlfriend contacted me scared because he was agressive with her and is seeing 3 other asian girls in different countries, but she still remains with him so he has his new supply, one that he can show his true mask to and accepts it. Me my mask was one of hope and belief in marraige now I feel like crawling into a ball of hurt and escaping all this pain, when that was over I thought well we can have a good separation, but I still allowed him abuse me and I didn't even realise it was happening. Sometimes I think the kids would be better with him because at least they will not have my pain to deal with and he feels none. Legal people do not seem to understand the pain of this and I am so scared I will become the wreck he said I would if I left. I councilling a number of years ago NPD was explained to him and he was delighted saying he knew he was "beyond human" and that made him a better pilot. I wonder if this is prevelent among the pilot community as I know of a few other pilots who display and celebrate these qualities.

Thank you for sharing your feelings. I do know several pilots and they are all narcissistic. They devastate the lives of so many women. It is scary that someone so mentally unstable is responsible for the lives of so many on an airplane. If the public only knew how lieing is second nature to them and treating loved ones with no respect is a daily occurance. I wish they would be exposed to the public! My pilot use to call himself SuperDave and would even answer the phone that way.

Your children are not better off with someone who can not show empathy for their feelings. Do not allow this man to destroy your self-esteeem. You are an intelligent woman to have found the answers and this website. You have the opportunity to move on and find happiness. They will always be alone and hallow even when surrounded by several women at one time. I pity all of the women who will be devastated by him in the future and am thankful I have found the light and way out through prayer and supportive friends. When you feel down or about to givein, come to this website first and read the stories. You are not a fool, you have taken the steps to prove that you are strong and will not allow his behavior make you feel like a wreck. Time heals. Continue no contact.....