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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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First of all, it is always better not to make a narcissist angry, since narcissists can be very vengeful. Another reason for not to upset a narcissist is that for so-called "normal" people (those of us who are not narcissistic), the revenge is usually only a short-term relief. It may turn against you once the sharpest peak of your anger has faded. You may feel you have sunk to the same level with a narcissist, and that is not a pleasant feeling. For a narcissist, taking revenge on somebody is usually not a problem, since they are often incapable of experiencing "normal" emotions and hence are incapable of feeling guilt and compassion.

Having said all that, if you still feel that (for whatever reason you may have) you want to make a narcissistic person feel bad, below are some tips as to how to accomplish that. If you wish to read about the methods I used to teach my mind and brain to get rid of an "addiction" to a narcissist, please visit page Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism

What is a narcissist most afraid of?

The answer is humiliation, ignorance and overlook by others around them. If you can create a situation in which a narcissist feels his or her cover has been blown and other people see them as they truly are, that would be a perfect "revenge", because a narcissist is empty from inside and their worst fear is that others will see that emptiness. Be careful, however, that you do not do anything illegal in your attempt to create a situation in which a narcissistic person would feel bad. Also, do not let a narcissist realize that you have deliberately created such a situation, for he or she may try to get back at you with an incredibly nasty ways only a narcissist can think of.

A narcissist hates to be wrong

If you can prove a narcissist to be wrong, that is making him or her feel small and insignificant, a feeling that a narcissistic person hates. If there is a debate and you know that you are right about something and a narcissist is wrong, the best way is simply to present the waterproof evidence and then walk away, without too much explanation. If you start to talk about things or debate, a narcissist can magically turn things around and make it sound as if you understood them wrong, that they actually meant the same as you, but you just did not understand it. Another possibility is that they get extremely angry and hostile. Both are unpleasant options, so the best thing to do is simply to leave a narcissist alone.

Ignorance is the worst thing that can happen to a narcissistic person, especially after they have made some sort of a mistake. The only thing that could be worse than ignorance is if you laughed at their face, but of course that is not wise, since you do not want the anger and rage of a narcissist to fall upon you. I have faced situations with a narcissistic person when I knew I was right about something, and I brought a written evidence (retrieved from Google, dictionary etc) and the person would not even look at what I got, but would instead switch to the narcissistic rage mode during which a narcissist becomes blind and deaf to all reason and just shouts and argues as if they suddenly went crazy. This is a form of a self-protection mechanism, since it is very painful for a narcissistic person to be wrong and so they are avoiding it at all cost. Rage is a mask a narcissist uses when they realize they are in danger to be proven wrong. Therefore the best thing to do is that you leave the evidence proving you were correct somewhere where a narcissist can easily find it and then simply leave and let them boil in anger in solitude.

If you are interested in learning about the methods I used to teach my brain to let go of the "addiction" to a narcissist, visit page Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism. These methods are used to overcome the mental pain due to cheating but they can also be used to break free and recover after an abusive relationship with a narcissistic person. If you are able to control your emotions, it is much easier for you to decide what to do with your relationship. If you are feeling depressed or anxious due to the problems in your relationship, visit this page to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind to recover: Training the Brain.

To read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissistic person works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with a cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity. If you wish, you can read more about the content of this website and about my background from page Site overview or go to other sections by clicking Main Menu links (left bar).

- Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (635)
  • Barb  - There is Hope!
    I left after a 5 year relationship. He never even met my family! The kicker for me was asking him why he wouldn't form a relationship with my son. The reply was "he already has a father." I dumped him right after that. It was hard. I had always been a victim of his temper, twisted fights, antagonistic behavior, etc. The key here is looking at our own codependence and know that narcissism and codependence are two sides of the same coin. I would recommend the book The Human Magnate Syndrome. It explains the levels of codepenency and narcissm. Initiate no-contact and rebuild your life! First two weeks were the hardest for me. Schedule an activity for yourself every day.
  • Anonymous
    Until now, I was oblivious to Narcissism. I am so ashamed I haven't spoken of my endeavors to anyone - clearly my family has concerns about 'what happened'. Like now, I just couldn't talk about it.

    I was living in another state and chanced upon a handsome, smart, witty, sensitive man who had a twinge of aura about him that made him confident and sure of himself. Hindsight, I can see this is where it started. We jumped in to a relationship, and moved in with him. He was different than anyone I'd ever dated or even heard about. He was hot and cold, condescending at times, in secure, very loving (at times), a great lover, seemingly humble, attentive...wasn't afraid to hug me. He idolized me and at that time, because I was new in town (and 2 states away from my own home town) I was 'new meat', so he wanted to be sure everyone knew that I was his.

    Things never seemed quite right. He was secretive. He hid things, everything from me. Didn't like to be questioned about anything, and inconsistencies were beginning to pop up all over. But, I just told myself it was me, my imagination and insecurity at having landed such a wonderful person, how lucky was I to catch someone so great, and single...

    I bought him a Tow Truck and tooled it, started our business, quit my job at his insistence and worked for the business at home. I cooked 3 squares a day for him and his mechanics (his family), kept a meticulous house, did all the shopping, and catered to him - first and foremost. My needs were always unmet or last to be met. I vested 110% of myself to him.

    We fought quit a bit, where he would go from being moderately ok to just nasty. He used things I said against me and twisted them. Cruel things. He locked me out when I had no where else to go, I had to sleep in my car in the middle of winter. I didn't understand most of the time where he was coming from or what i'd even done.

    Then one day, it happened. he wasn't coming home. I knew he was having an affair, there was evidence of it all along. But he called the police on me without warning, had me removed (how devastating and embarrassing) after hitting and cheating on me. I was still begging him to stay with me and work it out. I couldn't wrap my head around what was going on or how this had transpired. And just like that, I moved home. he refused all of my phone calls and letters. I didn't hear from him until several months later, when he texted my mom's phone asking about me. I tried to text him back but he refused to respond.

    Then again about a month later, a friend of a friend told me that he has terminal cancer, colon cancer and it had spread to his lungs. He was always afraid of getting it, his gramps died from it. So I tried to contact him. He refuses to talk on the phone with me by not answering it, but he did text me back and refused to address the cancer issue. I know he still has that other woman living with him because I can see her status on facebook.

    My life has been a living hell for the last several months. I just want him back. I love him. I miss him with everything in me. I can't move on . I can't date. I am a very attractive woman, which is what attracted him to me. But I think I became to needy for him or something. Too 'whipped' over him. I'm not sure but that's what I think. I was no longer a challenge for him so he got bored with me. Afterall, I would do anything he wanted.

    Anyway. I am depressed. I haven't talked about the cruelty or details with anyone, because it's too painful. I didn't know the first thing about narcissism until now. I heard someone mention the word, and I'd heard it before, but never knew the meaning other than its something you call someone who thinks a lot of themselves.

    I googled it and began my journey here. I have so many questions I need answered. I have so many, many deep seated feelings through out all of this. At times I feel suicidal. Why? What did I do? Why did this happen? How did I so easily dismiss the signs? Why didn't I trust myself? Why didn't I trust my friends? How could he do this? Did he ever love me? Does he ever think of me? Does he miss me? Am I better than her? I am educated, held progressively responsible managerial and supervisory positions, and make more in a year than the average person. I am influential and outgoing, people like me.

    So here I am. I have found so many articles about narcissism; I relate to much of the information, but there is a lot of conflicting information as well and I am not sure which is inaccurate and what is real. I want to understand, so I can move on and have closure. I think I may have some narcissistic traits myself that is of grave concern to me.

    Please help me.
  • beth
    Listen... I honestly cannot even begin to tell you how much you and I have in common. I feel the same way.

    My boyfriend is awful to me. He is so emotionally abusive yet when things go wrong, I get scared. I don't want to be without him.

    The question we should be asking ourselves is why don't we think we deserve better? And if we DO think that, why do we stay?

    I think the key to closure here is working on ourselves. There is a reason we return. This is a learned behavior. I know that my boyfriend as made me feel that without him, I will fail. That I'm not good enough without him. He has called me stupid and pathetic and if you think about it... if you say these things to someone enough times, they start to believe it.

    He and I were broken up for a week. I spent the week having anxiety and panic attacks and breaking down at work... running to the bathroom with tears in my eyes. I honestly couldn't function. It's awful how much it can hurt but people supported me. My family and friends let me cry about how this awful man has treated me and how I wanted him back.

    You need to gain your self worth back. Learn to LOVE YOURSELF like you did before you met him. If you've reached out to him out of care and he doesn't accept, there is nothing you can do. You have done all you can. And I know... I have pleaded and begged pathetically on my knees... I've been there. You feel like YOU CAN DO SOMETHING. But whether that something brings you back to him, he will never change and you know what? You will.

    Write in a journal. Find a therapist who specializes in emotional abuse. Call any friend you have that will not JUDGE you but will listen to you cry when you need to. Work on YOU. It is going to take a lot of work but you're worth it.

    No one deserves to be treated this way. And when I am forced back into the situation again (because lord knows I don't have the strength to leave). I will have to learn not to look back. Life is too short to waste it on people who treat you like this.

    There are MANY men and women out there who write about their recovery and how they didn't think they would ever get through it but you know what? They did and we will too.

  • Roni
    I feel your pain...my story is so similar to yours... go online and keep reading about narc.'s
    ... sooner or later it will come to you...we love
    a person who doesn't really exist...we made them up.. no matter what any other woman does or says
    to/for him her story will be the same as ours...
    So what if we love these men...they cannot love or be loved... Our pain comes from our own insecurities in our own past... until we
    move on...truly move on...we cannot be emotionally healthy... I am writing this to myself as well as to you...
  • henry  - narcissist girlfriend
    I caught my girlfriend cheating on several different occasions. On more than three different times. Each time we would break up she was angry and say it was my fault. this was all with the same guy each time! And for stupid me it happened again.. But I am through this time and she still blames it all on me! Each and every time she had made me look like the victim. I am so tired of this and it has taken a great deal of my money and over nines years of my life constantly forgiving her and ruing relationships with my family.. Now everyone says I told you so and this again with the same guy! So for those of you out there with that type person, you cant win! It's not you and it's not your fault.
  • Anonymous  - Don't mess with me !!
    I was in a long distance relationship with a Narcissist but because of the distance and not seeing him that much, I didn't recognize it until after we had broken up. He texted me one night and told me that he was reading my Facebook page. I told him that I didn't care, he could have the damn password if he wanted, I had nothing to hide. He said he didn't want to become another one of my statistics.. I realized now that he was just picking a fight with me because he felt insecure about himself (He's 5'6" and over 300 pounds).

    I found out after he dumped me and married another girl 2 weeks later that he had been seeing her behind my back. I feel sorry for her. She was fired from her job, had no car and he saw an easy target. Me, on the other hand, I have my own place and 3 jobs and very independent & secure financially which he was intimidated by.

    Since we have broken up, I have become friends with his ex-wife (she is awesome) and helped her see that she is NOT crazy as he has told her that she is. His friend from High School, that he tried to sleep with while we were dating, has also become a good friend of mine and also to his ex wife. AND, the girlfriend before me has become a good friend. Everything that he did, all of his lies, have been brought out into the open and he got caught with his pants down - ha ha ha. His ex-wife now stands tall and doesn't let him bully her anymore. She tells him exactly how she feels and he hates that. I see now that I was not intended to have a relationship with him, I was intended to have a friendship with her to help her stand up to him. He is now much more humbled in front of her and she feels empowered by the knowledge that we have all given her.

    I don't miss him one bit and I ripped him apart over a text message and told him that I have chalked him up to nothing more than a pitty "f"! I told him that we are all laughing at him now and he hates that! None of us want anything to do with him and we are moving on in our own happiness as friends!
  • annon  - NO CONTACT AND YOU WILL RECOVER !
    The traits of these abusers are so familiar...Charming and would tell me all sorts of loving stuff at the beginning... " annul your first marriage so we can get married in a church" bla bla bla....Then it starts.... Every time we went out, the girl on the next table looked better, the waiter was more interesting... if I complained I was green eyed, drank too much... Its because he owned me, and there was no chase...(THINGS SEEMED ALL WRONG) I started to think, there must be some truth in all of this, as he constantly lied about everything...As I was the long distance girlfriend, I needed to see him and try to make sense of the countless lies.... I checked his camera while he was out !!! There was the truth. The old girlfriend was his " swinging" partner, and he filmed all their encounters.... and she thought she was the only one...but no,, there were many others... He had a separate film card for each girl... So charming.. I confronted him, but of course it was my fault, again!!! Charming... Of course I was angry, but my revenge was, NOT to contact him again ... So I blocked his contact, I blocked the phone, which is so painful, as he lives on the phone.... The last email I got.." I would like your support, through good and bad" what a joke these people are...... " ... The great news is NO CONTACT .. and recovery is so much easier... Its wonderful... I know the chase will be on again,... The swinging partner is not so desirable now, because he has her control.... but he has no control on me anymore and I HAVE WON..... and I will never contact him or speak to him again...
  • ccn  - Are they human?
    After being married for 10 years and having 4 children together I clearly see this is my husband. He has cheated numerous times and makes me feel like I an the reason. He is selfish with anything he claims as his and does anything he can to jurt me. He screams and rages like a child having a tantrum when he is denied anything. He is a mechanic, carpenter, counselor or anything else he can think of. I am divorcing this demon and will never contact him again.
  • Pam  - The courts and law call it DOMESTIC ABUSE!
    I was in total denial for a year when court Family Law clerk gave me pamphlet with all characteristics of DV not just physical. So my advice especially if you have kids and headed for court is keep a journal, any facts like cc bills showing his use of money, everytime you grocery shop take some cash out and stash it, get access to any financial accounts, apply for waiting list of low income housing, make sure all debts have his name on them so you can declare bankruptcy and he's one w/collectors calling. Here's my best advice also a friend who yes I had a affair with him because he to abused by narcissistic wife, best thing I did! But he said to get divorce papers done NOW (you can get free but use Domestic Abuse need help)get everything done in PETITION FOR DIVORCE. But here's biggest one there is one separate paper called a "joinder" It says he waives right to be notified of hearings. When that ass picks a fight w/you and threatens to kick you out, or leave. Call his bluff and 1st be SAFE cuz he's in black out rage. But get those papers out slap em down and say "fine, prove it, this is just petition saying were done and both agree, it can change later" He will be so cocky thinking how he will change this "crap" later will glance at few pages and probably laugh at you. Do whatever just get him to sign Petition, parenting plan, BUT JOINDER. Staple it with other papers he will hopefully see it's the same words and sign it. Oh, health insurance BIG ONE, where you listed all Assets and Liabilities add Health Insurance Premiums with his employees for one yr then approx amnt its gonna cost you to pay COBRA. Then take papers quickly and hide them or get to safe place (remember don't trust anybody) make copies at least 5. Then as hard as it is. Do like you would after every fight. Leave, or sleep w/him whatever. Next day get your ass to court pay like $100 ir ask for it to be waived due to DOMESTIC ABUSE you want to be the Petitioner and get a case number. Then it can sit for 90 fays to a yr. But believe me, doing that opened my eyes and I got one up on him. I didn't need to day word. When got DV counseling. Set hearing dt 2wks later and he had no idea, we had 4 hearings and he never showed because he signed waiver. I got a divorce and he had no idea till alamony and child support came outta his checks 2wks later. Then he got atty and said lil 5'4 115lb me put him under duress so basically in public when signed final copies I rattled him so much he signed the papers w/a friend witnessing plus police witnessing him drive off like nothing happened. Now that's hell I know. But, when you expose this man for the freak he is he's going to go to no end to destroy you. It's critical you call your local Domestic Abuse hotline when you do this and get ready for war. Important thing is never ever underestimate him now. He will do anything to save face HIS NOT YOURS" get to Dr who documents what you say truthfully. Make sure your ssn had freeze and kids, change emergy contact on all records-take him off! They will come up in court. And please no Facwbook or social networking sites! But watch his, copy anything he posts that makes you look bad or he admits did wrong such ad "yeah, I do some side jobs to get by". But, until you can say Domestic Abuse and admit he scares you, don't attempt it. Your life at stake. I was married in paper 18 yrs, but in heart I don't think past maybe 3yrs. Get yourself back before him. Easy? Omg no. It's been 4 yrs, and I don't know how going to pay my liw income lil townhome my daughter who hated him turned 18 and now all tattoos, (last of my worries) but now wants him in life and im the mean one. Thought my heart was shattered when she moves out TO MY FAMILY WHO HE GOT CONVINCED IM TO BLAME. But im alive, I love myself, and I've lost all hope and never gonna trust a man again, but have my Faith in God that nobody can take. Yep, it's 2:01 am, I should be liven life with kids at friends, and a hit guy w/me that lives me just as I am. Nope, alone, except frogs outside the "hood" in pond, and hit boyfriend? He's under bed and called "Hitachi" (elec no batteries needed :D) The guy had affair with also single and not far away. But, I compared him to ex and red flags. I still love him but no thanks im not taking chance again. Pray for a lot if money for me and email me and I will pray for whatever you need! Hope I helped one of ya! Cuz others did me now my turn.
  • Mark  - In the same boat with a narcissist
    My situation is not as unpleasant as many others on here, but is often similar.

    She does not do most of the out of control legal stuff, but everything else is pretty spot-on. She has no concern for my emotional health and well-being. It is merely an annoyance to her. She does not care about our marriage. Again, an annoyance who's benefits (combined incomes, love, attention, security, companionship, social standing) she reaps and in the areas that involve effort and emotional output, she resents and rails against.

    Any and all plans and "commitments" that we made as we were planning our future together have all disintegrated with justifications from her that range from the unbelievable to the bizarre. ("I misunderstood" ... "there's no way we can do that now..." (with no reasons given), "you told me that you didn't care about that";)

    Once I realized that there were many others in my same boat, it all became clear to me. Once I get myself stronger financially , I will/must leave.

    M
  • SFW  - when will my life be normal
    :?: Well 18 months of counselling and analyzing my last 33 years of a toxic relationship and I wonder when it will all end He still hasn't signed the divorce papers and I know he knows I will not start a new relationship until he does ,it way of still controling me.He has not work in 20 years but wants everything and thinks nothing about me or our daughter and yet when it comes to special occasions he expects us to jump to his and his mothers needs and wants. There has been so many head games over the last 18 months and some days I'm completely exhausted yet he keeps on coming up with things to drag the divorce out, it has been hard because I don't know what is going through their heads being he won't talk and hold a lot of anger because he was charged with assault and the 3 times I did see him he was so arrogant it just about made me sick I have been told by friends that he has been unfaithful for years and he was just using me to keep a roof over his head. He told me for the last 10 years he only made seven hundred dollars a month but now know I found out he made double that and yet when I was off work sick for 6 months he got mad when I asked for help paying the bills ,so many things are coming clear how I was married to a narracistic , bullying con artist!
  • Pam  - The State calls it Domestic Abuse...
    But it's really Narcissist Abuse! I relate to every post. And a great question for a Domestic Abuse Advocate, "Abuse Doesn't Have to Be Physical" pamphlet given to me at court as I filed for 1st round at divorcing a Narcissist! I have 3 kids by him that were begging me to leave him at ages 12 & 14, now that's sad cuz no kid wants their parents to divorce but sure don't tell them. I fell for his "honeymoon phase" and 6 mos later took him back. 3 mos later swear was sleeping with a complete fake. Took me the tears of finding out he was using what money he claims we had left to pay bills and eat to spend on porn and God knows what else. I asked him one night in bed "What do you love or even like about me? In your love letters you named off like 15 true things (im attractive but he said beautiful things about my abilities). He rolled over and you all know the "look". And said"yeah, you give good head" then laughed the most evil laugh ever heard. I snapped and said about 20 times very calm yet he knew that means run "get out." I hit 911 when he got mad finally and attempted to somehow blame me as usual. Knowing 911 on line I stayed calm and he was saying I was mentally ill, a drug addict and "unbelievable" over and over. He packed random stuff waiting for me to begg him to stay. He went downstairs where my daughter was and I panicked since he treated her worse than me. I got on line w/911 and operator said to get back in my room he's escalating fast and police on site. I looked outside and saw nobody! Then stepped outside (stupid move to do now im outside by myself w/psycho inside w/kids) then voice said et back inside. I then could see about 7 men in black around yard. I turned to go back and HE'S there, with rage in eyes. Police said "get your stuff and come out". I refused to leave police side till he came out. I went back in and to speed things along put his packed stuff out. Still not figured out 911 recorded his true self tried again the crazy, drug addict thing. Police IGNORED him and asked for id, flashed lights in his truck then finally he left. Divorced after 5 hearings none he showed up for. "And we lived happily ever after? Oh, hell no, its 10x worse and 3 yrs later. My beautiful smart and close to me daughter after yrs of hating him, turns 18 and hates ME but wants relationship w/him, gets tattoos and moves out, to my so called family! He got to them somehow because they to couldn't stand him, but started saying "move on". I hate it being told that because if your truly in a relationship w/domestic abuse/narcissist you can't move on because in his mind he's the victim. And he's lied and got most everyone convinced. I'm so frustrated and heart literally pulled out of chest by daughter still! I'm torn now because he's not done one financial thing and lied about income which effects child support so were poor. Verses just getting job and leaving my other 2 kids to need me or fall victim again to him and then what? Exposing him carefully so he doesn't know was me and pray the IRS and law puts him in cell where he's told "you give good head!" BUT HOW LONG WILL THAT TAKE AND WILL HE FOOL THEM ALSO? Anyone lil suggestions?
  • D  - Im there myself
    Divorced narcissistic spouse after almost 23 years but just recently it was brought to my attention what his behavior was called. He has turned my children against me. All I can do is wait around for the fall out and try to pick up the pieces and try to mend myself in the long run. Not easy!! But he will no longer control me. I feel for you. Overcoming what your children do is the hardest part. My children also did not like their father but I always encouraged them to work on their relationship with him and to try to become closer... stupid me. So many things I could have and should have done different but hind sight is 20/20.
  • tracey  - im feelin everyone of you
    Hi so good to hear other peoples story's that actually get what we have been through. good book on this is called malignant self love by Sam vaknin. Brilliant he narrows these pernicious, cold callus ankles down to the very soul that they aren't, and i am sorry too say that as i know this is a personality disorder so dilusioned that they cannot make sense out of anything, except for the fact that they spend years perfecting their 2 facade faces. i'm a self confessed addicted to this man even after the hell he put me through, lies, manipulation, cheating, story telling, and its brutal. leave you feeling like you have nothing left. my mother committed suicide, my dad died straight after her, i was so distraught as our relationship was coming too a climax, so i went to his place drunk with our child looking for him to acknowledge what my intuition knew, i placed our child on the ground heavily a couple of times yearning for answers as i had been breast feeding this child for 9 months with no help from him. he called the cops and had me charged with assault!!! i left and moved 1500 km to start fresh, and was over him, even though I still continued to sleep with him after this, and while he was with his new object (women), though it had turned cold. there was nothing there plus he was with her. i went through 2 years of therapy to gain my own self back, after all of this including emotional and physical abuse i rang him to come down for Xmas to my new home wow!! Makes you feel fuckin mad!!! In the head!! But it was good coz i realised what he really was, and also when he left i got to tell my tale of where the narcissist had been for 6 weeks, (sleeping with his ex and sons alligations of abuse) lol it is so frustrating when you realize that it is all just a con again. living with a object like this is just the most draining, horrible thing that one might go through in your life, and i pray that i don't need to go through this again. BIG emotional trigger to me, and hopefully my intuition will tell me better next time. i'm still single, and am now getting over the past 6 weeks that he has been here. omg its just not worth it :)
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