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How to Make a Narcissist Feel Bad Print E-mail

 

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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First of all, it is always better not to make a narcissist angry, since narcissists can be very vengeful. Another reason for not to upset a narcissist is that for so-called "normal" people (those of us who are not narcissistic), the revenge is usually only a short-term relief. It may turn against you once the sharpest peak of your anger has faded. You may feel you have sunk to the same level with a narcissist, and that is not a pleasant feeling. For a narcissist, taking revenge on somebody is usually not a problem, since they are often incapable of experiencing "normal" emotions and hence are incapable of feeling guilt and compassion.

Having said all that, if you still feel that (for whatever reason you may have) you want to make a narcissistic person feel bad, below are some tips as to how to accomplish that. If you wish to read about the methods I used to teach my mind and brain to get rid of an "addiction" to a narcissist, please visit page Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism

What is a narcissist most afraid of?

The answer is humiliation, ignorance and overlook by others around them. If you can create a situation in which a narcissist feels his or her cover has been blown and other people see them as they truly are, that would be a perfect "revenge", because a narcissist is empty from inside and their worst fear is that others will see that emptiness. Be careful, however, that you do not do anything illegal in your attempt to create a situation in which a narcissistic person would feel bad. Also, do not let a narcissist realize that you have deliberately created such a situation, for he or she may try to get back at you with an incredibly nasty ways only a narcissist can think of.

A narcissist hates to be wrong

If you can prove a narcissist to be wrong, that is making him or her feel small and insignificant, a feeling that a narcissistic person hates. If there is a debate and you know that you are right about something and a narcissist is wrong, the best way is simply to present the waterproof evidence and then walk away, without too much explanation. If you start to talk about things or debate, a narcissist can magically turn things around and make it sound as if you understood them wrong, that they actually meant the same as you, but you just did not understand it. Another possibility is that they get extremely angry and hostile. Both are unpleasant options, so the best thing to do is simply to leave a narcissist alone.

Ignorance is the worst thing that can happen to a narcissistic person, especially after they have made some sort of a mistake. The only thing that could be worse than ignorance is if you laughed at their face, but of course that is not wise, since you do not want the anger and rage of a narcissist to fall upon you. I have faced situations with a narcissistic person when I knew I was right about something, and I brought a written evidence (retrieved from Google, dictionary etc) and the person would not even look at what I got, but would instead switch to the narcissistic rage mode during which a narcissist becomes blind and deaf to all reason and just shouts and argues as if they suddenly went crazy. This is a form of a self-protection mechanism, since it is very painful for a narcissistic person to be wrong and so they are avoiding it at all cost. Rage is a mask a narcissist uses when they realize they are in danger to be proven wrong. Therefore the best thing to do is that you leave the evidence proving you were correct somewhere where a narcissist can easily find it and then simply leave and let them boil in anger in solitude.

If you are interested in learning about the methods I used to teach my brain to let go of the "addiction" to a narcissist, visit page Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism. These methods are used to overcome the mental pain due to cheating but they can also be used to break free and recover after an abusive relationship with a narcissistic person. If you are able to control your emotions, it is much easier for you to decide what to do with your relationship. If you are feeling depressed or anxious due to the problems in your relationship, visit this page to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind to recover: Training the Brain.

To read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissistic person works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with a cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity. If you wish, you can read more about the content of this website and about my background from page Site overview or go to other sections by clicking Main Menu links (left bar).

- Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (635)
  • jane  - i need to get out now but dont seem to have the st
    please someone help me im a single mum who is so depressed because of my on and off relationship with a n im getting desperate?
  • Maria
    Dear Friend,

    Please provide some more details about your situation, that helps me to give you best possible feedback. You are not alone. Warm hug, Maria
  • Vera
    same could happen to me next couple of days, what do you feel like now, more than 6 month later?
    i got myself nto an absolutely solated spot becuase of him and frankly.... i just do not know how i shall become a single mum at this point... played his game, gave my name, am in depts (with friends and family too) and te only other option is so so bad... he's got me now and lost me coompletly,. our dauther is only 17 months old.... oh my....
  • ann  - me to
    jane
    I need to get out to, its the weekend and my narc has spent the day in front of his computer looking at naked photos of women and has been there from the time he got up and its now almost dinner..the kids are oblivious to it all as they are 7 and 8 and because of this sight i have seen such an impact at things around me because im trying to treat him like a king and i must say that its working but im starting to feel sick in the pit of my stomach because its all such a big lie...the whole 20 years on and off with him..keep strong and get support..im going to see a doc in the next few days and look forward to my new way of thinking...no one deserves to be ******UNLOVED****** people with this problem can never have morals and respect others and therefore they swoop inocent people up to pick there ego self way high..we will get through this...think possitive and take small steps in the right direction that is right for YOU!
    ann
  • Ann  - time
    Jane..feel your feelings, dont rob yourself of what your are feeling. Experience what you are experiencing and at the same time have a plan in action so that you can move forward. I have been with partner for 20 years and need to get out also. We have been on and off for a huge portion of my life but I always ran from my emotions only to find myself back with him again. I have two kids of my own which he raised partime given that he was always dating on the side on and on and off and ....now we have two kids together and its virtualy imposible for me to leave him but I am. All you have to do is feel those emotions and tell yourself that you will eventually get out..
    Take Care
    Ann :0 :)
  • jodie  - jane
    i see your post is a year old, however i hope you have gotten away! I did and all I can say is omg, what was i thinking or doing!!!! You will have the weight of the world lifted off you if you can get away and stay away! Its hard at first but once your out and can actually think and see things for what they are you will feel soooo much relief!!!!Good luck and God bless you!!!!
  • Anonymous
    Great article, sooo true! I am also from Europe so forgive me for my grammatical mistakes but would like to tell you that I understand so well your situation and the bad moments you lived with the Narcissist. I am an older woman and my mother passed away while I was with one of them; this man who seemed to be very promissing and loving towards my mom and myself was far from the truth. Today all the humiliation and went thru falls into place because I realized that he is a Narcissist and that explains the 5 horrible years I spent with him. He is wicked and dangerous to any women who approach him because he is a master of disguise and manipulates like no one. One day I left his home thru a miracle; I indeed believe that God enlightened me and somehow I managed to leave him but, gee, how much humiliation I endured. I am still in pain for, as I said, I am an older woman and it seems that the older you are the more sensitive you become; he definitely marked me for life, unfortunately I am not the same person I used to be.
    Best regards,
    Susana
  • Kyle Barone  - You are not alone
    Hello:

    This is exactly the same amount of time that I spent with the sociopathic/narc in my life. I left his house too after (5) years. You are correct about the humiliation you suffered while in that house. It is something that changes you forever. I was truly fearless before I got involved with him. I think that was one of the reasons he wanted to be with me. He wanted that part of my soul. Well, he didn't get it. He just got prostate cancer.
    You will be fine. You made the first step.

    Take Care,
    Kyle
  • Anonymous
    I have this woman friend of mine who is a classic example of NPD. Interestingly, she has been honest with me in many respects. She has admited getting depressed because of her unfulfilling relationships, blaming her partner, of course. But yet she has shown her vulnerability to me, at least half-knowingly. So I do have a weakness for her, despite her potentially lethal personality. Unfortunetaly, I did have to push her back forcefully because of her heart-felt sense of entitlement to my time and space. I am perfectly aware she may seek revenge. Yet, I feel sorry for her after all. In any case, I am certain I am better off this way than if I had let her continue her little controling routine.
  • sara  - why i put myself back into the situation
    I am having a time with my little narc. BF. On my way home for a meeting that we were to attend together I get an awful Voicemail cussing me out for not having my phone on and how he is so pissed im not answering. THen he proposes to me in the kitchen. we attend the meeting and then i hear afterward how awful i sounded and how he didn't like how i represented myself and how i was a bitch. he said I sounded "Manic". Funny the meeting was about my 6 year olds IEP meeting becuase she is having problems with focusing in first grade. I get cussed out the whole way home and drop him off. I go to work , come home and get more crap from him and then ask,:Why do you talk to me so hateful." He tells me this is the way that he talks. I puuled the ring off my finger. put it on the taable in front of him and walk away. He then starts to scream at me and cuz ..."You Bitch!" You fu**ing Bitch." This is what Im supposed to spend the rest of my life with...I think not. unfortunately im pregnant and we have 3 children together and share a lease. Why do I do this to myself. Why am i the bitch when all i demand is to be spoken to with respect!
  • anume
    Hey Sara
    you are not the bitch and dont you think that you are. I hope you really look at how he is treating you and noone deservees to be treated like that. I have been married for 23 years and have 3 children too. I am in process of getting a divorce. I look back at the ways my husband talked to me, did not hold up his part of responsiblity, would yell at our kids and sometimes call them names. I feel so bad because i allowed that to happen, but i guess i thought he would get better and i wanted to do whatever i could to keep my family together. Well now i feel my whole marriage was a lie. I found out hes been cheating on me probably the last 23 years. Its devastating. I want you to look at what is going on now and realize it does not get better. They are who they are. But be strong and do what you need to for you and the kids. I am afraid my kids think his behavior is normal I guess i thought so for all that time. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!
  • jodie  - sara
    Sara, oh how I feel your pain! However, you must remember that he is weak and you are strong!!! Hes so insecure that he needs you to make him feel secure! as much as all of us that have been in a relationship with a narc want to think we need them, from my research I have read all I see is they need us! we dont need them!!! Good luck and God bless you and your family!
  • Greta
    Thank you for this great site, Maria! I have read your book and most of the articles here, they have helped me so much. I know now it is not about me, my boyfriend has a serious mental problem. Last 3 years have been simply HELL... But better late than never! I will NOT let him ruin the rest of my life, as he has been ruining last 3 years. Thank you for giving me new determination and faith!
  • Alan  - being found out cheating
    ...after being abused and being told i was going mad by my ex narc, and believing her for my own sanity [she left me this way], i decided to seek the truth about her affair. When she found that out and when i found out the truth i already new [i trust myself 100% now with the help of sites like this, thank you], she became very angry. She cant stand that all her evil ways are out for all the people to see, my family especially. It was very hard 2 deal with nobody believing me. I attempted suicide but finding out i am not insane and the hatred she shows have helped with my recovery. I am [16 mths on] seeing a cognitive therapist and also take anti depressants. I cant wait 2 find the real me again after 11 years of this hidden torture. Thanks again.
  • Jermaine  - Dear Alan, ....
    UNfortunately, in my particular case, I learned that it is not the one affair you find out about. It is the number of affairs all together. She is constantly seeking approval and reinforcement and attention. In every conversation Alan, I'll bet she aims to become the focal point. It's like, "All roads lead to Rome," except over here it's, "All roads lead to her."
    Perhaps you would like to read Sam Vaknin's book, "Malignant Self Love, Narcissism Revisited" Vaknin is the king author in the area of Narcissism and if that is the main reason for seeing a therapist, you might learn more than your therapist knows.
    Good luck brother,
    Jermaine
  • Lola  - Um, no
    "Vaknin is the king author in the area of Narcissism"

    He has npd himself, I wouldn't recommend anything by him
  • Alice  - Sam Vaknin
    Once a N always an N. I WILL NOT read ANYTHING by Sam Vaknin. Even if it sound true, it may or may not be. He is an N and N's can NEVER be trusted no matter what the circumstances! There are many many more resources. Stay away from Sam.
  • Vera  - All roads lead to rome
    ... the number of affairs...
    as in every female between 13 and 75 when it comes to attention, not leaving out my own mother...uff, what a nasty disturbance. i ran around thinking: might he have another? when the other is everyone who just happens to offer what he wants that moment. i do not believe he actually cheated (as in going to bed with someone else - after 2 years) yet, but it makes one feel so low to just "happen to be" in one room with that person supposed to be your partner and watch them show themselves off as if their lifes depend on it.
    being 23 years younger and good looking doesn't help much.
    anyway.. it is exceeded into other areas too, this one is a roman and thank heavens we are not living in their great empires time anymore, though i wonder if he'll ever find out. :x
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