It doesn't matter what you tell his parents he will just just twist it around lie and manipulate the truth in order to blame it all on you. It is what my husband does and he is expert at it because he has no moral compass to hod him back and does not care how his lies wil hurt me. I promise you he will go out of his way to make you look like a crazy unsupportive and jealous wife.

Well my husband has once again cheated and abandoned our marriage. I am so confused and devastated. his reasoning every time for the last 4 years is that he doesn't feel I love him. I guess giving up my business to work in his, because me wanting to retain my own autonomy meant that I wasn't" totally committed to our marriage", giving up my "loser" friends, what time I go to bed, my art,my love of reading, my dream of going back to college, bringing in to my home and family after my children had lost their father when he died, forgiving several affairs, staying even after finding that on the day he was saying his vows to me- he had been continuing a relationship AND business relationship with his ex girlfriend(even though he swore to me that all secrets had been disclosed and there were no more women in his life that i didnt know about}was not enough. none of it has been enough for him to "feel like i love him". If I am hurt or angry or upset about any of his betrayals- then i am being hurtful, mean and selfish and i "never loved him". My older children have lost respect for me and question my mental soundness and sometimes out of hurt and frustration of watching him have no remorse, and accuse me of the very things he does I do act like a crazy person. My little daughter adores him we are supposed to be separated because he wants another chance to show me he loves me- So far his showing me has consisted of one nice dinner and then me calling him for days with no response, him out to the bars every night, him telling every one including my oldest daughter and his family, our business assosciates how unappreciative and crazy I am, him taking out a woman he previously cheated on me with Because he needed some one to just "talk to", him not going to work and taking care of our business responsibilities and then blaming it on my lack of co operation to our clients, even though i call and call for days trying to get him to handle these things and the biggest while he professes to love my little girl who adores her Daddy- he does not even bother to call her- while i am at home still covering for him telling her that he is working out of state. I feel so defeated and like a bad Mom, for marryig him. When my late husband died- he was oh so helpful- he was a friend of my husbands and I thought he really loved me. I should not of married him so soon but i was so lost and I wanted to give my then 2 year old daughter back a normal life with a happily married Mom and Dad. i was leary to let her callhim Daddy as she knows her real father is in heaven, but again- this was a reason to get divorced, a reason for him he said to never be able to be a real father to her, if I wasn't willing to let him be and let him be 100% her DAD. Ughh!! I have colassally F*** up. The controlling, alienating, constant verbal and emotional abuse, and blowing up over trivial or imagined insults and then disappearing for days and/or cheating has been from the beginning. i have been trying to hang in there because of my little daughter who sees him as her Daddy. Otherwise when i found out a month after our marriage that he had continued a relationship with the ex and kept her on some of the business holdings - I would have walked out. And here I am 3 years later and it is the same. After cheating on me again and having been gone for 3 weeks all he can say when I tell him I expect him to fix what he broke and that it will take counseling and time for me to get over this, is "what about me? What about how I feel? I'm not going to kiss your ass. I can't live with you beating me down making me feel awful- I'm not perfect. The only way i will come back is if I am head of the house and we do things my way and follow my rules. The woman is supposed to be subserviant to the man." WTF? Who cheats on their spouse for the 4th time and then acts this way? He actually has the nerve to say I have never compromised. OUR ENTIRE relationship has been my tolerating and compromising my everything. He is even jealous and throws fits about the time I spend with my older children- so I have had to be careful about that. I dont see how he could possibly really believe that I never compromise and yet it seems he does really see it that way.

Eve, somehow your story sounds just like mine that I actually had to just go LOL!

Please do what you have to in order to distance yourself from this lying, cheating, abusive spouse. You already know that you need to, but just like alot of us, breaking up the family makes it harder. So you march on, hoping he'll change....he won't! I spent eight years trying to make my marriage work. The first two trying to be the perfect husband, (that I thought I already was), just to find out the nicer I was, and the more willing I was to do my part to make things better, the nastier she was. This was the first indication that something wasn't quite right and out of the ordinary with her behaviour. So I moved out and gave up. She asked that I come back and we should go to counseling. Three years of couseling and she fought change every step of the way. I turned the other cheek hoping she would come around. It never happened. So I turned her off, gave up and haven't spoken to her for two years now, (except when I have to). Why? Because I know what she's going to say before she even says it. The critisism, the sarcasm, the verbal abuse, the "it's your fault" accusations, her inability to look in the mirror and admit that she doesn't lie the person she sees. I have two daughters, now 19 and 13 and when all this started I was devastated to think that I was breaking up our family. Well the fact is that a damaged, broken marriage isn't good for anyone, including the kids. So we are trying to sell our house, I just turn off her nonsense, and I'm in a very good place now that I stopped trying to make sense out of all of her nonsense. So please do whatever it takes. Let him blame you all he wants, stop engaging him. It only supplies him with his FIX. You already know the accusations and lies he's going to feed you, so save yourself the agravation of the conversation you know you're going to have. He said he'll change? Well for one thing they don't change and for another you stated this meant that he took you to dinner and then disappeared on you. Please, run don't walk away as fast as you can. Get your confidence back, reconnect with old friends, pick up your hobbies again, (start with a good book), and do what makes you happy. Start with the little things and take it from there. Good luck and God Bless. It's not easy but take one step at a time. Anthony

Anthony,
Your ex must have had an identical twin because your experiance and mine were almost identical. In the begining I thought I was alone and had married a monster but I see now there are many more just like her. Thanks for sharing you unpleasent experiance. We are free now and life will return to normal.

Hang in there. My husband also blames me for everything as well even when his behavior is atrocious!

I feel for you be strong you can move on from your bad marriage.

It will get better! Just dont go back with him! heres my story

I don't know why Im writing this but I think I would just like to get some general feedback from people that are aware of NPD... maybe I can tell you my story and you can tell me if what I think is right..

So we have me and my ex. We'll call him Paul. Paul is 26 and we are a gay couple.

Paul's Past
He was raised by an abusive father and an overly attentive mother. The abuse got so bad from his father the mother divorced him and Paul emancipated himself from his father and legally changed his name; they no longer speak. When he wasn't dealing with his dad, he was teased at school for his feminities and being on the dance team.

Paul and I's Relationship
It was January of 2007 I had just moved to SF to for college and to start a new life for myself. I met Paul at a friends bday party. Paul was extremely nice, attractive, buff, and was definitely interested in me. I liked him to and we made more plans to hang out. Over the course of the next couple of months we grew close very fast and I was EXTREMELY happy until one night I told him something along the lines of "I havent liked someone like this in a long time". After that it allll went downhill and fast. The next day he picked me up to go to the place we always played pool but asked if we could spend less time together. I was devastated.

6 months into this and we continued to spend the same amount of time together and I tried my hardest to prove to him I was worth it. I surprised him with gifts and was taking him out to dinner all the time, on a students budget, and was constantly working on my apperance. As hard as a tried he kept asking we spend less time together and I was crying at lest once a day as well as being very confused as to why he kept asking this of me and when I wouldn't call him, he'd call to hang out.

After about 8 months I continued to shower him with gifts and such while he held back more and more and criticized me more and more about who I was. The sex came to a complete halt and so did the affection. I felt worthless. Strange things would happen like one evening I came over with food from his favorite restaurant and was extremely happy to see him. While watching tv, I started to tell him a story of something funny I had heard that day only for him to cut me off while staring at the tv and say "i don't care". I again stated crying immediately. I couldn't understand why he was so mean to me all the time. On top of everything, I was getting in trouble by him for doing little things like getting drunk at street fairs with my friends, not calling the exact minute when I said, claiming he was being this "different person", or other stupid petty stuff. I thought I was the worst person in the world and was always apologizing thinking I had a problem.

about 11 months later I was failing in school, on academic probation went to see I psychiatrists because I thought I had a mental disorder. The Dr. thought I had OCD (for who knows why! I show no signs of that) and I started taking medication I shouldn't have. After me trying to explain to him I was trying to get help, He said it was all too much and broke up with me. I was devastated. I tried so hard to make him happy and couldnt figure out why things ended up the way they did. I took him to Las Vegas, and we bought a dog and I was still showering him with gifts but he pulled the plug and I had to give up my brand new puppy. Well I found out he had been cheating on me with his ex for the past 6 months....

3 months later he asks to see me and things went back the way they were like when we first met. I was so happy. I was back in school and on top of my game medication free! Then after about a month and a half, it went back to how it was. I suggested we dress up together for that Halloween and he said yes but later cancelled on me last minute saying he was going to hang out with his friends yet when I saw him out, he was dressed in the idea costume I had suggested. I was very upset. The next day I started seeing a relationship counselor by myself to work on what I thought were my problems. Paul refused to see him and freaked out when I suggested we go together. However, the counselor thought it was imperative to bring Paul in. Paul came in eventually but no results.

I could go on FOREVER about how horrible he was to me and the things he would say and do to me but to cut the story short...

I moved to LA to be close to my mother who was dying of cancer. I lost her June 2010. Paul finally agreed to come down to be with me after his little sisters highschool grad party a few days later. When I asked him to come down sooner he said he had plans and couldnt cancel even yelling at my while I was still at the hospital from being persistent. When I warned him I looked like crap he said "its ok I look good enough for the both of us". 3 weeks later, my grief was too much for him and he broke up with me. At the point, I didnt care.

two months later he called me telling me he had cancer and I flew up asap only to find out he really didnt and lied about the cancer, the chemo, the hair loss, everything. He just had cysts that he had to take a pill to make go away. I ended things..

He came back again February of this year and I would go to whereever he was to spend time with him from time to time. He always had me convinced things were going to change but they never did.

Then he moved to NYC about 6 months ago while I was in therapy learning he had NPD. I became very strong from the therapy and about a month ago, I told him I was accepted into my dream school in NYC and would be moving there in a month but could not continue this there. He said "whatever" and that was that.

My first day there, I ran into him and his new bf and he told me how happy he was. After almost 5 years of torture I have no desire to be with him but Im still absolutely crushed hes moved on and Im still struggling to recover emotionally and I keep thinking of them having the happy times we had when we first got together. I still cant eat and am upset even though I know its for the best, maybe its even a sign.

I guess Im writing this 1.) to get it out and 2.) would like to hear from other people who know about NPD or have experienced it and if this is really NPD. Im pretty sure it is..

Well thats its. Sorry its long and kinda all over the place..

What you have wrote has touched me and i am sure many others who have read your blog. The answer is simple, Its how you feel about yourself that keeps you thinking this way. If you sit back and truly see all the behaviour of his you have written. If you put another face to your stories, would you give that person an ounce of your love? Definitely not. I say this because I have, as many others on this site have, encountered a relationship with a person who has shown the exact same qualities. Remember the kind person, who has offered token gifts to others, someone who made a gift from the heart for a dear friend (cd for 50th). These are great qualities in any person. Remember that every time you think of that heartless, selfish, narcissist. Then go out and find a partner who truly deserves your love!!!!

Hi Kim,
I had to write because your experience is so closely related to my own. I also did a great deal of research and went through the same pain that echo's throughout your posting. Even today after 16 months my ex will still do something to make contact with me.Most of the time I am able to ignore her and maintain no contact. Each time she is successful and makes contact it is the same BS and she escalates the conversation into a full out battle of words.I stand my ground and I dont allow her any leeway, and then it ends. I discovered for myself the reason a non-narc(like us) has thoughts of our ex narcs long after they have gone is the false picture the narc began the relationship with the person we thought they were. I recall when I first met her I thought I had the most wonderful woman in the world and fell head over heels in love with her. After we were married that slowly began to change and the verbal abuse and control was complete.She used sex like a weapon and sliced through my heart on more than one occasion. It took some time (13yrs)but she made a mistake that finally woke me up. She began to fabricate stories about my family members and when she started with my mother (who treated her better than her own daughters)that was it.I finally saw her for what she is and knew she could never be the person I thought I married, that was all fake. She had lied to me on numerous occasions, made up I dont know how many different stories and I'm sure if I kept on checking I would find much more, but the flame in my heart finally went out. I divorced her 16 months ago, no children (thank god) but slowly my life and happiness has returned. I still harbor a great deal of anger for all the time wasted and dreams and promises broken. That is my next challenge to rid myself of this last part of her and open my heart again. Good luck to you !

Well this is my story.
First the background. I am a 34 year old gay man and 2 years ago i was at the end of a 7 year relationship that had just fizzled but we were still great friends. Enter Stage right my N, He is a 37 year old successful business man, very handsome. I was swept off my feet. he was everything my old relationship was not exciting, outgoing, great sex life. We had a whirl wind few months at the beginning of the relationship i remember telling people i think this could be the man i marry i was so head over heels. I was introduced to his family, helped out in his business as my ex partner and i shared a house i lived most of my time at his apartment and the rest of my time away (as i am Cabin Crew for British Airways). Then the Cracks began to start. The first thing i can remember is going to a music festival with him. We were going with a lady friend of his and her daughter who was 8. another couple in there late 40's and there daughter who was 8. I was so excited as it was the first music festival i had been to. It was very arty just my thing lots of great music but also dance and theatre. In my eyes it was going perfectly. SUn was shining picnic rug out. Chatting to the new people we were with (while massaging my partners feet) while he slept. I got up after about an hour to get the 2 young girls an icecream. When i cam back he was gone. I hunted phoned could not find him. 6 hours later we find him back at the tent drunk started telling me i had neglected him and what was the point in us coming if i was going to spend all my time chatting to other people.
In the morning he regretted and apologised. This was the start of 18 months of wearing me down physically and mentally.
He never got angry just made me question everything i did. List of things. please tell me they are not normal behaviour and it is not me.

1. I made a cd for my friends 50 birthday i recorded ever number one song on her birthday for 50. she emailed US to say thank you. his response "you do realise that has made the CD you made me for valentines day mean nothing" "You do too many nice things for people i am just one of many in your life"

2.New years eve. I bye a round of drinks for us and some friends and take a box of sweet that were on the bar back with me and hand them round. Girl at the next table ask for one and i give her and her friend a sweet and chat for about 5 mins. His Response "there are 200 people in this bar and you are the only person who would think to talk to random strangers and give them sweets how much f@*king attention do you need. disapered for the night 3 days no contact.

3. On holiday. Last day of holiday had message from my EX Boyfriend asking us if we were having a good time. (let me say my partner and my ex were friends and had been out drinking together back at home so this was not odd) I replaied to the email in front of my partner and just said " yes it has been great bla bla. is cold though and looking forward to being warm in my own bed.
Partners response "so u are emailing your ex boyfriend while your on holiday with me saying you want to be back home.
Silent treatment again.

The list goes on and on.
The controlling behaviour just never stopped he never told me not to do something but would say things like. Why do you need to see your friends again this month.
He obviously wanted me to move which i completely understood but was trying to save some money up to get my own place. How ever much i showed him my bank statements and that i was just making ends meet he was adamant i just wanted to stay with my ex. (i can honestly say i slept in my own room in a four bedroom house once a month. if that. i explained i would move out in the spring when less fuel bills. I did this the night before the move he went on a drinking bender with his mates till 5 am so was un able to really help me move. He came to the flat twice. always making excuses why we should be at his.

After many augments he convinced me i had an anger problem and if the relationship was to continue i had to sort this out. I found a great councillor and started therapy. Alot of things came up about my child hood and an eating disorder that i had which raised its ugly head once in a while. I sat and spoke to him about this and how hard it was to admit it to her and myself His reponse "you have never told me that before what else are you lying about. "

Our relationship was very one sided. I worked in his office on my days off he rented out apartments as hotel rooms so i was always building wardrobe or painting, He was in the process of going bankrupt from a pervious business venture i was not allowed to tell anyone about it as he felt like a failure but i was always there supporting him. His new business was a limited company and in his dads name so was doing really well. His old family home was being sold and i helped all last winter dismantling out buildings and sorting rubbish and furniture in the snow. Ever time i was not at work i seemed to be doing stuff for him.

Then May arrived. One night after a fantastic night out dinner etc i got up early to find him with my phone he had broken onto it and had gone through every single thing. He had written down when i had messaged my friends and the language i had used in the messages "you should only ever use love or hon for me in a text" on 3 occasions i had messaged a friend first on landing back into london and him afterwards he had highlighted all these on a piece of paper he asked me to leave.
He did not speak to me for a week and a half i tried to contact him every day nothing. He final got in contact telling me how much i had hurt him and did i understand just how i had made him feel "COMPLETLY WORTHLESS' I felt awful and did not know how to make it up to him. I went out got a set of keys cut to my new flat and brought flowers i left them at his house with a card which said. " to show you how special you are i thing you should be the only person to have a set of keys to my house. The next time he saw me he through the keys at me and said. "what was the point in that you know your going to give them to everyone in a couple of months so why do it""i dont know weather i want to be with you"

I again did not hear from him. It was my birthday at the beginning of june on a wednesday i took the weekend off work before and after just incase he wanted to do something. He phone 2 days before the first weekend to say he was going away both weekends but would try and see me on my birthday but he was still not sure if he wanted to be with me. i felt awful ant this point and as if i was going round the twist.
On my birthday i asked him to come and see me i was crying and he said he would see what he could do. He arrived 10 mins later held me really tight kisssed me said he was so sorry. We had great sex, when we finished he said "I HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK AND YOU DO REALISE THIS DOES NOT MEAN WE ARE BACK TOGETHER" the following weekend he went to greece with a friend to find himself.
I got hardly any text messages untill 2 days before he was due back.
On his return he told me how much he had missed me and that he wanted us to move in together in the autumn he had been an idiot i was over the moon again.

July, he decided to run a camp site in our home town as we were having a massive gig for a famous band and there were not many places for people to stay. we had been planning it for months and it had proven to be really successful lots of people staying. I am also a nurse so had taken the time off flying to be on the site for the whole weekend as resident medic. 4 days of working really hard to make the site work in hope that in the future we could do it again and make some really good money. I DID NOT STOP FOR 4 DAYS.
I did not even get a thankyou i was so upset and told him on the last day. "he told me he was going to end the relationship anyway and i had just been a martyr all weekend and only worked so hard to get attention.
My world fell apart. I have never felt so empty worthless and broken as i did then or so i thought. I had to take time off work and could not eat or sleep, i lost nearly a stone in 4 weeks. I tried everything to sort things out but got no response. 2 months went by and my friends told me they were taking me on holiday. i started feeling better about myself and put a photo in my new swimming trunks on face book. within 20 mins i had this text.
"here we go again how much attention do you actually need degrading yourself on facebook you are still friends with my nieces you should be ashamed and obviously your only doing it to get someone new so soon" Again i felt hurt and as if i had to explain myself, i spoke to him and he agreed to meet up for a drink i tried to get him to see that i had missed him every day and that i really wanted to make things work. he told me i should have been writing hand written letters to his work if i was that serious about us. but he did agree to see where things were going but he was enjoying finding himself. so was not making promises.

I went on holiday with my mates and had a great time i met some really great people who did not seem to mind i like karaoke or loved to dance. when i came home he told me he had missed me. we had a long chat and i said i felt like i needed some reassurance i was not knowing where this was going and after my holiday i needed to know he wanted me for me he did not want me to change to much.
He then and there said it was over he could not be with some one who was so nice to people it made him feel as if he was wrong.

no contact for two months

Beginning of november asked to meet for a drink. i was all excited and nervous. we chatted for half and hour like old friends. For then him to tell me he had been seeing someone else for a month and a half i got up and walked away he followed i cried he said he just didnt want to hurt me anymore and respected me enough to tell me to my face.
i have again been broken foe a month no crying every day. i wrote to him and told him how much i loved him and how much i wish we could have tried agin(FOOL FOOL FOOL) that was before i found this web sight. I BASICALLY JUST PLAYED COMPLETELY INTO HIS HANDS. gave him every last bit of NS that he could get from me before discarding my carcass. There are so many more stories i can tell you. just ask.
I HATE MYSELF because i still miss him every day i hope this goes away soon. How can i love a man so much that treated me so awfully. please let me know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

check out narcissismfree

Just looking at some of my messages as well as messages to me and others. Thanks "Older and Wiser" for your advice. Haven't pulled this up in a while as sometimes is too much to hear and read (at times) but guess if for no other reason....When you get a little weak...and "like the Israelites wanting to go back to Egypt"...SERIOUSLY..Just remember where you have been and 38 yrs later did it ever REALLY get better?? NO It never did. That is TRUTH and the other is a "SCARRRRY TALE" instead of the "Other"...

He has a girlfriend and that is the reason he finally filed for divorce.He was cheating on me even though swore his eternal soul he wasn't...(Seriously am not standing around him if I see a storm coming) not that I was!!! LOL So that part was hard but saying all that. Was not really about that..It wasn't..It was years and years and years of Emotional and Verbal abuse to me as well as a few physically abusive episodes and ultimately our daughters(ADULTS NOW) were so affected by this.For that I am so sorry as I lived with a Narc for a Mom I know that fear and craziness...

Thanks for this website and know reading this reminds me of what this was all about and am not going back to Egypt...AM NOT!!! Thanks for reading and allowing me to vent!

14 yrs and just about done.. Sad, lonely, feeling unsexy.. Jealous of every woman I know. I'm starting to really question if I'm the nut. I now find myself saying things to hurt him. I'm starting to get ragey. We make love once every 3 months, he hardly know his children. If I tell him I'm starting to feel insecure he tells me to give him a break. Then says im bipolar. If I cry that I feel lonely he says I'm right here. Never holds me and conforts me. At some point I'm apologizing to him, at which he doesn't forgive me which makes me want his love more. I'm a mess, my brain won't stop thinking of all the things said to me and I'm blown away. He would rather make a stranger laugh then soothe his wife. I just wonder sometimes if it's me? He hasn't taken ne to dinner, never says I look or smell good> and if I say that to him he says" what do u do for me" or .. I told u 14 yrs ago. God please help me find peace.

As a Narc Survivor from my Mom and now my X and 38 yrs later....It truly doesn't get any better. That was my hope..If I do this or that and that or this..finally he would love me. NOPE never did only about himself and only heaped more abuse... Crazy isn't it.. the more I loved him and showed him unconditional love the more he "hated me and raged against me"...I was his greatest Cheerleader. Just like he recently "donated" a 2003 Car to me (after the divorce)...was a good used car when he bought it for me but of course he had to put it in his name (Not mine) as everything else in the "free world"is in his name...

Just crazy. Is all about themselves. Thank goodness I see what he is and can understand and go on. That will be the more difficult part but is do-able..It is and I can. When you have been beat down all of your life (by your Narc Mom and Narc Husband and together also at the same time) well it is hard. My "Freedom" is only been about 5 weeks. but my suggestion to you is RUNNNNN!! Is hard and not sure I could have really if my girls were still young but would advise anyone the main thing.."IT DOES NOT GET ANY BETTER".. My prayers go out to you as others....Kat

I have read the same and thank goodness witnessed only a very small increase in their narc behavior, you are certainly a very strong person.It has been 16 months and I still have those "days" I hurt inside, but I will go on and I will get better. I'm free from her verbal and mental abuse and each day is better than the last one.

I've figured out why i keep hammering on the old hurts. (i'm not allowed to speak my mind about them, because 'i was young and stupid then, i didn't mean to hurt you...so stop bringing it up')
I understand his point, but i now realize why i keep thinking about the past infidelities and bad behaviour, manipulation and insults, etc...

It happened in the first 7 to 10 years of our marriage, we've been married for 17. You'd think it's time to bury the hurts?

But even so i realized that the basis, the very foundation of our relationship was a farce. i was kept busy with mothering 3 kids and he lived the high life. this is the reason i can't let go. All the people i've spoken to has advised me to forgive him, im only hurting myself to keep grudges. I know this, but still to forgive him is also to make it easier on him isnt it.. to hell with making anything easier for him. I say by not forgiving him is condemming him to hell here on earth!

"All the people i\\\'ve spoken to has advised me to forgive him, i'm only hurting myself to keep grudges. I know this, but still to forgive him is also to make it easier on him isn't it.. to hell with making anything easier for him. I say by not forgiving him is condemning him to hell here on earth"!

You said it at the beginning, you hurt only yourself and he still has the power over you. Forgiving him does not make it easier on him, he needs to have that power over you, to know he has that kind of affect on you. His narc personality needs this like an addict needs their drugs. You also have to forgive yourself. I felt the same way as you and it only ends up hurting yourself. Try to let go of all the anger forgive and dont give him the power to control you, forgive and move you life forward you deserve to be happy. It will likely upset him that you can forgive him

you need to forgive him for yourself. if you write it down in an envelope and burn it or put it in a bottle and let it go out to sea (i know that sounds corny but try it) you can free yourself of it. stop giving him so much power...let it go for yourself and you can be happy...if you hold on to it it makes you miserable and the hell on earth if for you. give it to God and forgive. if you can get out try ...you can be happy. *hug*

Once the lightbulb above your head lights up and you realize: you know what he's going to say before he says it.... you complain about something even though you know it wont do any good...try as you might to please him he's always complaining about something....! You know the routine. As soon as you understand that the nonsense is just that, that there is no making sense of it, and there's nothing you can do about it and its not your fault, then the sooner you can start to feel better about yourself and regain some control. Turn him off, stop engaging him, stop looking for an apology that you know he isn't capable of. We can't change their behavior, only our own. Good luck, feel better, its not your fault.

I agree 100% with older and wiser in nj you see your still trying to have what he is not capable of giving a loving relationship. He has all the control right now and he knows it. What is done in the past is history you cant undo it. Like wiser in nj said "Turn him off, stop engaging him, stop looking for an apology that you know he isn't capable of. We can't change their behavior, only our own. Good luck, feel better, its not your fault". You deserve to be happy not what your getting now. Move on and live.

i just found out that hubby is continuing a 7 year relationship with his gf. he never really told me about his intense relationship, of course, but he hinted that he stopped the relationship after he came back from an overseas job posting, but found that 'nothing had changed' - i didn't realise what I needed to change, what more know WHAT to change - so he HAD to go back to his gf though he continued to remain with the family. HE MADE ALL THESE DECISIONS ON HIS OWN WITHOUT TELLING ME AT ALL, and I am absolutely furious. It's like i never really had a chance: half of him was at home, prob comparing me against his gf, whom he shared the other half of his life with and somehow, the gf came out on top. he has shown no remorse, no guilt, no shame. the gf continues to love and adore him, so much so that they send sex-laced messages to each other and she drives him places. THEY HAVE WEEKENDS AWAY and he shows absolutely not an iota of remorse.

sorry, it's me again.

The girl works in the same company but for a different boss. My hubby is a big boss of a subsidiary of the company. She has no worries about working for a tyrant (I do), she has no worries about sending kids for activities, buying groceries, sorting out the family matters, etc. AND YET WHEN HE IS AT HOME, and the maid is away, HE DOES NOT LIFT A FINGER. NOT A GOD-DAMNED FINGER. and yet he told the gf, him and i don't have any chemistry. and he blames me for the breakdown of this marriage, and he shuns me sexually. Before I finally told him that I am starting the official process of separation, he told me "You just deal with the internal operations of the home, you don't have to bother about the external", and when he continued with the girl, i told him i wanted a divorce to which he replied rather tersely "If you that's what you want", and when I told him I was taking the kids, he said "We'll see what the authorities say about that", and I said, "Usually they allow kids to go with the mother", and he said "We'll see whether the mother can afford it".

If you can go go...my father left my mother for another man when I was 6 months old. she then married a very narcisistic abusive man and allowed him to beat me daily. I met my current husband when I was almost 17 and he is 9 years older than I. we have been together for 17 years come January. He is cruel and self centered. would bully me daily and make me feel i was "bipolar" for getting upset. I despirately wanted love ...I think from anywhere. and would do and allow things that were unimaginable. recently I found many many msgs and links in his computer (by accident) that he has been cheating (not relationships but sex) for years. some were even with men. he refuses to discuss it and says it is just a power thing or he likes the chase and I shouldn't worry because he isn't leaving or it doesn't effect his family. REALLY? that was it for me. this all came out the other day and I am working toward getting away...no matter how much I despirately love him....after the holidays I am making the break. I have 3 small children and at this point they are the only reason it doesn't happen today. I just hope I don't ruin their lives...he happens to be a wonderful father and they are all very close. I hope he can continue to be there for them and all.

I read your message and had to comment. I am 37 yrs old and have a father who is a narcissist. It has taken me years to come to the point where I have to distance myself from him. I am the youngest of 4 children and he treated me better than everyone else. I witnessed him treat my mother like dirt for years, and continues to this day to treat her as if she is subservient to him. I grew up thinking men should treat women as if they are "lesser" beings and chose some very bad boyfriends as a result. Please do not discount what your children see and hear. Even if he treats them well right now, there will be a day where they will become the victim of his abuse. And the way he treats you is also child abuse. Your children should never witness, at any level, that type of behavior. I remember my father making my mother undress on the side of the road while we were all in the car. He was angry about who knows what, and he wanted to demean her so he told her to take her clothes off and walk home. I grew up thinking sex was supposed to be violent and dirty feeling. This is what forcing your children to live with a narcissist will do. Please don't do that to them. And by the way, my father has a protege'. My oldest sister was trained to be as selfish and self-absorbed as he is and her life is a mess. Please, please do everything you have to do to protect your kids. At the very least, they will grow up knowing that his behavior is wrong. Good luck and find support because it will be extremely difficult pulling away from him. His tactics will change to other types of abuse to control you. Have your allies in place so you can get through it.

how

How...hmmmm I guess I will try and answer this from a couple of directions since I'm not sure exactly what your asking.
How will his behavior change? Well when my father lost his ability to physically abuse my mother or his children because we either got too old and big or because we moved out of the house, it changed to mental. He learned that he could control people with money. He would offer his kids help, at different levels which pitted each of us against eachother. For example, the oldest daughter was sent to study overseas while we were stuck at home without a phone and without basic things like toiletries and braces which were very much needed. And of course the oldest daughter got braces when she was younger, but the rest of us had to scrape by with whatever he chose to provide and then had to hear how hard he worked to put food on our table. If you needed something, he sure made you hear how much of a burden it was for him to provide it. This type of thing still goes on today. The oldest daughter still expects to be supported in any way she desires and he's still telling the rest of us how hard it was for him because we were such ungrateful kids. Living with that kind of guilt for years has been almost crippling. To go even further about how it impacted his kids, the oldest doesn't pay for her bills and is in constant need of being bailed out financially, anad we're talking in the 10's of thousands. The only son is a cocaine addict because he's been trying to hide the pain of our childhood for decades because it's too tuff for him to deal with, the next daughter is scared of the world and is so afraid of being bullied that she doesn't even try to function in the world, she has basically become anti-social, and me...well, I allowed a boss to "have is way with me" because I was taught to never ever talk back, to follow orders and let others tell me what to do. Now I know that I was raped but it took me years to realize that and even longer to recover from it. This is what being raised by a N father and mother who's too scared to leave him did to us as children.

There are books that describe what a child of a narcissist looks like and what kind of traits they possess. One is called "Trapped in the a Mirror". You can get it at Amazon or maybe even your local library. It really helped me see that I'm not the only one and oh my goodness is this book an inventory of my traits. I needed to see on paper exactly how his behavior, as much a I love him and want a relationship with him, has crippled me as an adult. I too thought he was a loving father. But I would highly recommend reading it as you may also possess some of the same characteristics from your childhood. It may also help you to see more clearly what's in store for your children if they are forced to live in that type of environment during their formative years.

How can you get help? Well, I'm still working on it and I'm 37. Thankfully I married a man who is incredibly gentle and kind and I needed him to help me see who I could be. I've also been to several counselors and continue to see a counselor today. I find that it helps to "purge" the chaos verbally and get it out when things get bad. If I don't, I won't sleep at night and my anxiety disorders start to rear their ugly heads. Yes, I have anxiety disorders. The stress of dealing with a N can be bad enough to cause you problems with your health. I was told once by a counselor that many practices will only treat 1 Narcissist at a time because they are that difficult to deal with. That helps me because sometimes I feel like I'm weaker and smaller than the average person, a message that has been drilled into my head by the abuser, but then realize if the pro's struggle with them and they only see them for an hour or less a week, I must be stronger than I thought! In fact, you must have incredible strength, compassion, and forgiveness in your heart after being abused by the people you have loved the most for so many years. Don't let them make you believe you are a bad person for having the guts to tell them what they are doing to you is wrong. You are a Saint for putting up with the abuse and for giving them so many chances to change their behavior. You do not deserve to be treated that way. None of us do. You don't have to hate the person, you can hate the behavior though. And you don't have to stick around to be treated like a lesser being either. I've learned you absolutely CANNOT CHANGE A NARCISSIST. This is a heartbreaking statement but it's true. They lack empathy and some lack a conscience. You will not win an argument with them so it's a waste of time to try and reason with them. The only thing you can do is control how much access they have to you. As far as finding a support system, go to counseling if you can afford it. If not, try talking to a Pastor at your local church, or try looking up how to deal with a Narcissist online at youtube. Their are several counselors who have really good strategies for how to deal with N's on youtube. But more importantly, get help for your kids if you do make the split. Set up counseling for them before you do it so that it's available to them the week you leave. Talk to their school counselor and try and get local resources from them. Their are a number of agencies that help women break away from abusive men. You only have to have the guts to ask around. Good luck and I really do hope you can get some distance from your abuser. You will need to if you are going to be the mother your kids need you to be.

What a therapeutic morning, reading your posts.

I find that most of u guys are or was married to the more volitile narc...lashing out physically or screaming...

Not my hubby. He is ice cold, calculated most of the times.

The numerous cheating and putting our assets in a Trust, scheaming and conning about the Trust etc was all my fault. He says i wasn't enough of a bitch.

He didnt even wait for the wedding night to change...the second i walked down the isle i knew something was wrong! DUH Ilja...he sat with his back to me as i was walking down the isle...9 months later he told me he didnt love me anymore.

Why did i stay? He charmed me off my feet. He had me in awe...i was head over heals in love with this charismatic energetic handsome testosterone driven hunk. btw he was in a wheelchair (still is=car accident) when i met him. This fact which in these later years of him being 43 and not looking after his wheelchair bound body as he should, is as u can imagine causing me to doubt my sanity even at that young age of 24.

of course my sanity and my ability to reason properly has been questioned too often by HIM as you can imagine. So can you blame me for doubting myself! Don't worry, im so over him, i even laughed at him the other day. He is ridiculous. excuse the grammar errors. I'm not english btw...