The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
Manipulating a narcissist
Once you understand what narcissism is all about, it is quite easy to manipulate a narcissist to do what you want. OBS! The matters discussed in this article are aimed to help one to break free from a narcissist, not to maintain a relationship with one. It makes no sense to boost the ego of a narcissist if one intends to remain together with him or her, that would lead to a paradoxical situation in which a narcissist keeps behaving badly and the victim remains unhappy.
There are, however, situations in which one is trying to leave a narcissist and they are making matters very difficult. In such a situation it is good to be able to "manipulate" a narcissist to behave the way you wish instead of complicating matters further. Having said this very important point, let us now discuss how one can influence a narcissistic person.
Above all else, a narcissistic person is seeking for admiration. To be aware of this can be a powerful tool. The thing a narcissist fears the most is the feeling of not being in control. If you make a narcissist believe they are in control, you can pull their strings and make them do almost whatever you want. It will give you the feeling of strength and power and increases your self-confidence during a difficult separation process when you feel you are in control of the situation instead of other way around.
Think of a narcissist as someone who is mentally invalid. Narcissists are not sadistic; deep inside they do not mean to harm their victims, they simply are lacking the necessary tools to understand how the other person is feeling in a given situation. Narcissistic people see themselves as omnipotent, all-mighty beings, therefore it is impossible that they could do something wrong. The fault is always in someone else.
If you learn to manipulate a narcissist it is easier for you to heal yourself after the separation, since you start to see them as they really are. If you wish to read about the methods I used to teach my mind and brain to get rid of the "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, visit page Recovery after Cheating. If you have been feeling depressed or anxious due to the problems in your relationship, visit this page to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind to recover: Training the Brain.
If you want something from a narcissist
If you are separating from a narcissist and there is something you want him or her to do, it is easier to pull the right strings if you understand the simple mechanisms of how their mind works. The key things are praise, admiration and unconditional love. When a narcissist believes you are giving these things to them, they become blind to everything else and are more willing to be "kind" to you instead of complicating matters further.
Try this out and you will see how well it works. Instead of trying to make a narcissist see your point, tell him or her how wonderful person he or she is, how much you have loved him/her during the relationship etc. Even if your "loving" phrases and admiration would be completely transparent act to anyone with a clear mind, in most cases a narcissist is buying it all without blinking an eye. Better yet, you will feel better when you know that it is YOU who is in control. A narcissist is like a small child and you are a parent. You let a narcissist believe that he/she is in control because you can afford to do it. You know the truth about who is controlling and what.
Remember that it is not a good idea to keep behaving like this on permanent basis in your relationship if you have decided to remain together with a narcissist, because this will only boost their ego and hence in a long run will make matters harder for you: Who would want to live permanently with a narcissistic person who's ego has been totally blown out of proportion?
As you keep experimenting with "praise" tactic, you start to see a narcissist as someone who is not that interesting, exciting and charming after all, since he or she is acting like a child, believing your admiring phrases no matter how transparent they are. The reason you fell in love with this person was because you saw him/her as something very special, interesting, charming and you felt lucky that you had found someone so unique, who also "loved" you back. When you start to see your partner as emotionally immature child, your attitude towards him/her will change. A narcissist starts to appear more like an amusing character, who inspires more pity than heartache.
How to separate from a narcissist and come out as a winner
If you are separating from a narcissist, do not harbor thoughts of revenge. If you try to revenge, they will only turn against you and show no mercy. You end up being in a battle with a narcissist and that is not the place where you want to be. If a narcissist thinks you no longer love him or her, you will immediately become an insignificant character. At that point they simply move on to find another prey.
If you try to heal your broken heart by getting even with a narcissist and getting your revenge, be prepared for a merciless resistance. They will get furious if you try to complicate their life in any way and since they no longer care for you after the relationship has ended, they might really make your life miserable. Do not take that risk.
Instead, make your goal to come out of the situation as a winner. What exactly means "winner" in this case? Winner is the person who is getting what he or she wants. A narcissist wants you to be heartbroken, since that boosts their fragile ego. You only wish your suffering will end.
You can achieve this goal by becoming the one who is in control. While you are planning your escape, you can allow your narcissistic partner believe you still love him/her "desperately". You can for example send emails in which you tell about your "deep emotions" towards him/her even after he/she has been acting cruel towards you. When your narcissistic partner receives your emails, he/she will become happy as a small child, who not only got a candy but who got a candy that was meant for his or her sibling.
Narcissists feel happiness when they feel someone else has lost something and is feeling miserable. When a narcissist feels another person is miserable because he or she is no longer able to receive their larger-than-life love, that is the best feeling of all, since that "proves" to them that they TRULY are fantastic and magnificent, since you are now totally crushed only because you can no longer be with them. Let a narcissist think like this and let yourself enjoy the feeling of being in control of your life.
When you are now holding the leash and a narcissist is believing he or she is in total control, it is somewhat easy to make them "work for you" instead of other way around. If there is something you want from them, your wish will be granted more easily when they can see themselves as a "generous" person who is doing something "good" for you, and when they believe that your love, attachment and longing towards them will only increase as a result of granting your wish.
Narcissists are seldom giving anything away for free. But now they believe that by giving something away they will actually gain something (they think they will strengthen their power over you and as a result your desperate love, longing and admiration towards them will increase and their narcissistic supply will not run out). But you know better than that. In the end you are the one who wins, you get what you want, while a narcissist only gets unreal illusions.
When you start to see a narcissist in this kind of a new light, as someone who is mentally weak and easy to manipulate, you start to heal from your "addiction" to them. You will realize that there is nothing in that person to love and admire. A narcissist starts to appear as a pathetic, sad, even humorous figure. You soon find yourself wondering how you could ever have fallen for someone like that. This realization will help you to leave for good.
If you wish to read about the ways I used to teach my mind and brain to let go of my narcissistic spouse, visit pages Recovery after Cheating and Control your Emotions. To read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with a cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity.
I created this website to help those who are dealing with narcissists and/or cheating in their relationship. If you wish to read more about me and my background, please go to page Site overview. There you can read a short description of the contents of this site and you also find out how to contact me. If you are interested in topics related to cheating, narcissism, mind and brain, you are welcome to read my blog. If you are in relationship with a narcissistic mental abuser, I believe you will find useful information from this site that will help you to heal. You can also go to other sections of this site by clicking Main Menu links (left bar).
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to