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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

 

Manipulating a narcissist

Once you understand what narcissism is all about, it is quite easy to manipulate a narcissist to do what you want. OBS! The matters discussed in this article are aimed to help one to break free from a narcissist, not to maintain a relationship with one. It makes no sense to boost the ego of a narcissist if one intends to remain together with him or her, that would lead to a paradoxical situation in which a narcissist keeps behaving badly and the victim remains unhappy.

There are, however, situations in which one is trying to leave a narcissist and they are making matters very difficult. In such a situation it is good to be able to "manipulate" a narcissist to behave the way you wish instead of complicating matters further. Having said this very important point, let us now discuss how one can influence a narcissistic person.

Above all else, a narcissistic person is seeking for admiration. To be aware of this can be a powerful tool. The thing a narcissist fears the most is the feeling of not being in control. If you make a narcissist believe they are in control, you can pull their strings and make them do almost whatever you want. It will give you the feeling of strength and power and increases your self-confidence during a difficult separation process when you feel you are in control of the situation instead of other way around.

Think of a narcissist as someone who is mentally invalid. Narcissists are not sadistic; deep inside they do not mean to harm their victims, they simply are lacking the necessary tools to understand how the other person is feeling in a given situation. Narcissistic people see themselves as omnipotent, all-mighty beings, therefore it is impossible that they could do something wrong. The fault is always in someone else.

If you learn to manipulate a narcissist it is easier for you to heal yourself after the separation, since you start to see them as they really are. If you wish to read about the methods I used to teach my mind and brain to get rid of the "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, visit page Recovery after Cheating. If you have been feeling depressed or anxious due to the problems in your relationship, visit this page to learn what you can do to help your brain and mind to recover: Training the Brain.

If you want something from a narcissist

If you are separating from a narcissist and there is something you want him or her to do, it is easier to pull the right strings if you understand the simple mechanisms of how their mind works. The key things are praise, admiration and unconditional love. When a narcissist believes you are giving these things to them, they become blind to everything else and are more willing to be "kind" to you instead of complicating matters further.

Try this out and you will see how well it works. Instead of trying to make a narcissist see your point, tell him or her how wonderful person he or she is, how much you have loved him/her during the relationship etc. Even if your "loving" phrases and admiration would be completely transparent act to anyone with a clear mind, in most cases a narcissist is buying it all without blinking an eye. Better yet, you will feel better when you know that it is YOU who is in control. A narcissist is like a small child and you are a parent. You let a narcissist believe that he/she is in control because you can afford to do it. You know the truth about who is controlling and what.

Remember that it is not a good idea to keep behaving like this on permanent basis in your relationship if you have decided to remain together with a narcissist, because this will only boost their ego and hence in a long run will make matters harder for you: Who would want to live permanently with a narcissistic person who's ego has been totally blown out of proportion?

As you keep experimenting with "praise" tactic, you start to see a narcissist as someone who is not that interesting, exciting and charming after all, since he or she is acting like a child, believing your admiring phrases no matter how transparent they are. The reason you fell in love with this person was because you saw him/her as something very special, interesting, charming and you felt lucky that you had found someone so unique, who also "loved" you back. When you start to see your partner as emotionally immature child, your attitude towards him/her will change. A narcissist starts to appear more like an amusing character, who inspires more pity than heartache.

How to separate from a narcissist and come out as a winner

If you are separating from a narcissist, do not harbor thoughts of revenge. If you try to revenge, they will only turn against you and show no mercy. You end up being in a battle with a narcissist and that is not the place where you want to be. If a narcissist thinks you no longer love him or her, you will immediately become an insignificant character. At that point they simply move on to find another prey.

If you try to heal your broken heart by getting even with a narcissist and getting your revenge, be prepared for a merciless resistance. They will get furious if you try to complicate their life in any way and since they no longer care for you after the relationship has ended, they might really make your life miserable. Do not take that risk.

Instead, make your goal to come out of the situation as a winner. What exactly means "winner" in this case? Winner is the person who is getting what he or she wants. A narcissist wants you to be heartbroken, since that boosts their fragile ego. You only wish your suffering will end.

You can achieve this goal by becoming the one who is in control. While you are planning your escape, you can allow your narcissistic partner believe you still love him/her "desperately". You can for example send emails in which you tell about your "deep emotions" towards him/her even after he/she has been acting cruel towards you. When your narcissistic partner receives your emails, he/she will become happy as a small child, who not only got a candy but who got a candy that was meant for his or her sibling.

Narcissists feel happiness when they feel someone else has lost something and is feeling miserable. When a narcissist feels another person is miserable because he or she is no longer able to receive their larger-than-life love, that is the best feeling of all, since that "proves" to them that they TRULY are fantastic and magnificent, since you are now totally crushed only because you can no longer be with them. Let a narcissist think like this and let yourself enjoy the feeling of being in control of your life.

When you are now holding the leash and a narcissist is believing he or she is in total control, it is somewhat easy to make them "work for you" instead of other way around. If there is something you want from them, your wish will be granted more easily when they can see themselves as a "generous" person who is doing something "good" for you, and when they believe that your love, attachment and longing towards them will only increase as a result of granting your wish.

Narcissists are seldom giving anything away for free. But now they believe that by giving something away they will actually gain something (they think they will strengthen their power over you and as a result your desperate love, longing and admiration towards them will increase and their narcissistic supply will not run out). But you know better than that. In the end you are the one who wins, you get what you want, while a narcissist only gets unreal illusions.

When you start to see a narcissist in this kind of a new light, as someone who is mentally weak and easy to manipulate, you start to heal from your "addiction" to them. You will realize that there is nothing in that person to love and admire. A narcissist starts to appear as a pathetic, sad, even humorous figure. You soon find yourself wondering how you could ever have fallen for someone like that. This realization will help you to leave for good.

If you wish to read about the ways I used to teach my mind and brain to let go of my narcissistic spouse, visit pages Recovery after Cheating and Control your Emotions. To read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with a cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity.

I created this website to help those who are dealing with narcissists and/or cheating in their relationship. If you wish to read more about me and my background, please go to page Site overview. There you can read a short description of the contents of this site and you also find out how to contact me. If you are interested in topics related to cheating, narcissism, mind and brain, you are welcome to read my blog. If you are in relationship with a narcissistic mental abuser, I believe you will find useful information from this site that will help you to heal. You can also go to other sections of this site by clicking Main Menu links (left bar).

- Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (444)
  • Anon  - I've know what hell really sounds like after datin
    :angry-red:
    It all began after a friend introduced me a friend of him. At first glance she was fantastic and i was puzzled of how a nice girl looking girl as that be single. I did nt know that it was a devil disguised into an angel. I felt in love at first sight. We started to exchange sms and then phone calls. I was in the clouds for the first one month. Then we started to meet... then the interesting things started. She began to feed with all the negativity she had. She related me all her past experiences.. her past boyfriends.. it was hell.. she was always right. she always had the right excuses.. i felt something fishy but still i gave her "bénéfice du doute".. the goes one for more than 6 months.. i was like a living corpse.. she started to take control of my life.. nobody is good for me.. but i stood by her side believing that i was in love with her.. i didnt realise that this love has turned out to pity.. yes, i felt pity for her.. because of her constant whining.. i was devastated.. i took me time to get rid of this nuisance and it was the best solace.. Thanks to God......
    i started to question myself, what did i do wrong to be with such person.. the only advice i can give someone:
    Please don’t date a narcissist. I beg you not to fall in love with one. And never, ever marry one.
  • anon  - I need support with my situation...
    To anyone who has gone through this and can tell me I'm not alone in this. I am currently in a custody battle with my ex Narcissist boyfriend, who I didn't realize was a Narcissist until I started doing research on the internet about the way he was and is treating me. He currently has temporary sole custody of our baby boy, and I am so upset and angry, not to mention scared to death of what will become of my son if his father gets full permanent custody of him. I have an attorney who is working on the case and told me I am in good hands and not to worry. But I can't help but be worried, as I am not dealing with a normal person here. If I were, then things wouldn't be the way that they are. To make a long story short. I came back to fight for my son, and since coming back here, I haven't been able to see my son. His grandmother and father are making it impossible, and told me to have my attorney contact his attorney to set up scheduled parenting time. I am just furious that he actually has gotten his mother to believe that I've tormented the family, when it's actually her son that has, and he has gotten away with so much already, and it just pisses me off that everyone on his side thinks I'm the enemy, when actually he is. He's a sick and twisted monster, and I never want to deal with him again, but unfortunately I will have to for years to come, or until he dies,(he's got Parkinson's Disease) so who knows how long his life will be, I hope after all the pain he's caused, that it's a short one, because he doesn't deserve any mercy. I don't want to sound so mean, but I am very hurt, and emotionally screwed up, and just need support and want to find a physical group I can attend to help me deal with my situation. I just want my baby boy back. I want to be the mommy that he so desperately needs right now, and those people won't let me, it's just so wrong on so many levels.
  • anon  - What if they werent always a narcissist?
    I've been married to my husband for almost 12 years and even though he had some flaws he was a wonderful man. Two years into a PTSD diagnosis and he's a completely different and wretched man. He is abusive on all levels, cheated and is still cheating, lying and manipulative, etc. Was he always like this but hid it better or did the PTSD turn him into this monster? I'd run as far as I could but I have two children with this man.
  • sadie Boyster  - Narcssisst
    good advice
  • Nan  - Note to Self
    Been there, done that with a few N bastards.

    Be independent. Financially and emotionally.
    It's a lot easier to leave those bastards if you're that way.
  • Arun  - Great advice
    Hey I just want to say this is really sound advice and actually works... I am a son of narcissist dad and currently living with my dad. I had to figure out this technique on my own of manipulating the narcissist, and it is a highly effective means of disengaging from the narcissist. It requires a fair bit of acting and lying, but it is worth it. The main thing that keeps us tied to narcissists is not their emotion, but our own emotion alternating between grief, pity, and extreme desire for revenge. Applying the technique of manipulation completely reframes the narcissist on its own; we don't have to convince ourselves of anything, just perform the steps and your mind will automatically disengage form the narcissist, new paths in life will open up automatically, without any conscious deliberation. The only hard part is the "feigned adoration" and worship of the narcissist. Once this technique has been mastered life becomes absolutely clear again. I am very grateful for this advice for myself, although I have gleaned much of it from my own experience, I am also grateful on behalf of those victims who read this and are vindicated. I cannot overstate the value of this advice; it is a life-saving technology on par with CPR and penicillin. Who ever wrote this, you are a true hero. You have distilled wisdom that has taken many lifetimes to acquire into one concise article. I rate this on par with the greatest intellectual achievements of humanity, like the discovery of quantum mechanics, etc. Thank you once again, and I hope this message is spread to as many people as possible.
  • Dee  - Can you give examples of what is working for you?
    Arun, it would be really cool if you could give me some examples of what is working for you.
  • Angella  - my cerebral N
    My.N ex didn't, t leave me for another woman. He is a cerebral narcissist and he left me for his college. He has always been into politic, religion and philosophy. He is a fanatic and loves to go into debate about those topics. He things that everybody is stupid and doesn't, t know anything and he is the smartest person in the whole wide world.

    In reality he is just a farmer's boy from a rural country side. He dropped out from college 7 years ago, because his GPA was so low. He went to the city and only could find work as security personnel due to lack of education. His biggest dream is to be a renown professor in english literature.

    Last fall, he decided to go back to college, majoring in English literature. He left me because he wants to concentrate in his education. He claimed that he is the smartest one there and even belittling some of his mentors, saying that they are not professional and that he knows more than them.
  • Anna
    Almost exactly my story.

    Except that he was a somatic narcissist, but still highly valued his 'intelligence' and was really into debates and such.

    But as a somatic he was a real charmer, a womaniser, a flirt.
  • e  - Why is this one so hard to get away from
    i never in my life have put up with any shit from any one of the guys i been with but for the past 4 1/2 years as miserable and hurt i am from all the evil sick games lies and all the cheating i cant just walk away from this guy and if i told you a fragment of the things hes done to me you would be most likely be in disbelief or ask me if i am mentally handi cap i think im glutton for punishment i try to leave and he all of a sudden needs me and makes empty promises all the while i see right through it i know its bull shit i know whats gonna happen im not stupid or am i ? ive tried moving out of state and i just end up coming right back to this shit i at times feel suicidal its bad i dont get it what is wrong with me ? i need to get counceling but i cant afford it i dont know where to start i feel trapped and pathetic and im alone i dont have family and being with a N half of my friends are now his friends the other half he had sex with them(women) i have begged him not to answer my calls and not to come around me cause he is no good for me and im killing myself and if he loves me cares for me or even if not but to please recognize that as a human being and ignore me all together but he still eventually gives in or accuses me of being with another man even though he made it clear were broken up and sticks his d in any and all why do i go back to him im independent my whole life why not now ? i am clinically diagnosed with tri-polar disorder and ptsd could that have something to do withh it not that i use it as excuse im just looking for grounds to base understanding off of so i can move on he tels me i deserve better and how he is a jerk but thats all him dishing for reassurance or praise right? any and all advice if any is welcome i dont have kids so i dont qualify for medical assistance even after having my suicide attempts and being admitted by the state at age 15 (which im now 26) and being diagnosed with my issues as i mentioned earlier. i dont need him or want him but i have to have him and miss him why?
  • Cuntessa  - seriously?
    some of you are messing with married men or are married and you complain about cheating? and this might come to shock for someof you but what you allowed someone to help put you throigh is yoir own fault you control you period nobody can do anything to you in that sense you chose to put up with it thus far putting yourself throigh it. Granted when we are decieved and tricked it can be painful but you cant hate or be mad at them for being themself thats how they are they did what they wanted to do and yeah it wrong to lie to someone so you your self shouldnt lie we cant get mad at someone for not behaving how we see fit when my ex cheated i left i dont have time for games and bs i excepted it and moved on cause i understood that i was the one with the problem so why argue or try and find reason we are not promised tomorrow so why waste time on things feelimgs and people who are no good and or what doesnt make you happy or have a positive start to finish?
  • Robin  - Narcissist Litigation Horror Story
    My now deceased husband's first marriage was to a narcissist. This narcissist is EVIL! Please read and sign the petition below on a MOST EGREGIOUS alimony horror story. While diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and attempting to terminate alimony, the Judge and narcissist ex-wife poked stakes in my terminally ill husband until there was no life left in him. Also watch the channel 9 news segment aired 11/12/13:

    http://www.change.org/petitions/nj-permanent-alimony-termination-litigation-contributed-to-my-husband-s-death#

    http://www.my9nj.com/story/23956422/nj-alimony-reform
  • v  - Eye Opener!!!!
    I met my N about four months ago. I had been separated for about five months from a 19 year old marriage. This man was charismatic, handsome in every way and I was flattered that he pursued me. He guessed my age range (48)--but didn't tell me his--although I suspect late 30's--maybe 40? He was very assertive, kissed me on second encounter, lots of sexual energy (from both of us).

    First red flag: seemed necessary to tell me about other woman constantly flirting with him, making advances, daily. (In back of my mind--started thinking that I was special and if I didn't go for it--someone else would--automatically started to affect self-esteem--in subtle way--ummm?)

    Second red flag: I began to feel self-conscious about sex talk within days of meeting. I made a comment that we should slow down, etc.-he hung up on me!!! I immediately called back. Began to play his game--apologizing for hurting him. Let him know that I am sensual, comfortable with myself, etc.

    Few days passed We had sex.

    Third red flag: Noticed could have been just pillow talk--but he was bent on telling me how he was alpha male, wanted me to fall in love with him, wanted me to lust him--get hooked on him, etc. Anyway, was mishap during encounter where my period started again. He was freaked out about the spotting--but we continued love making all night. Next day, told me he was freaked out and didn't want to deal with me. What? He stopped calling or refused my calls.

    Fast forward, 30 days later--were talking again. Resume physical contact and regular phone calls. I notice that I am constantly nervous around him, walking on eggshells. I have low self-esteem and seem to not be able to get my bearings straight because I don't want to offend him. Told him I loved him --not in fatal attraction kind of way--but that I just so really infatuated with the intensity of the energy, wanted to just chill out with him--nothing more or less.

    Next conversations, I finally tell him that I cannot function this way--must be myself. Asking him to understand me and my particular circumstance (separation after many years in relationship--still sorting circumstances, healing). I constantly reached out first. He never took responsibility for his part in misunderstandings--even though some of projections could have been from his past relationship, too.

    Fast forward again--last straw. Didn't like a comment I made after love making. (Oh by the way, I know this may be gross to some--but the man who made a total big deal about "spotting" during our first encounter-who couldn't even talk to me--asked to make love to me on my period. Go figure?)

    Told me that because I said what I said-(he made comment about my oil/perfume on him I said "and" so therefore -he would "cut me back" and would not be speaking to me for "a while"??? He left my home--didn't acknowledge me. I texted him about his behavior and asked if he was going out of his way to be cruel. He immediately called and told me to not call or text him for a while. I called and texted him anyway that week (to spite him and to appeal). Last text I told him that I would no longer be apologizing because in reality--I am not that bad off and that although I make mistakes (humans do)--not communicating or being able to compromise was something I could no longer tolerate. Nor could I handle his dismissal of me. He telephoned and left a voice mail basically telling me that he doesn't care about my thoughts, feelings, wishes, dreams. Nor did he care to hear about my day to day. He told me to save that for the next guy. I stress him out--therefore never call or text him in life again.!!!

    I was completely numb. I had been numb for almost three months now. Heartbroken, sad, grieving. I ran into him coincidently a month after that last voicemail (I dared not call because I didn't want to be victim of anymore cruelty). Although a part of me still wanted an explanation. I had never been hurt like this before! My logic was that, hey, I must have hurt him too, but what exactly did I do to deserve those words? Anyway I saw him. I was with my niece at the park. He coaches kids. I spoke to him. I did my work out, played with niece. I could see him watching me jogging etc. I ignored him--because in my mind--he made a line in the sand. My thing was that I wanted to show him I was the bigger person. Any other woman would had made a scene, cussed him out, etc. I didn't invade his space.

    also, that same day, I met two guys who were at the park (handsome). We talked, joked and they helped me not focus on my N. My N could see me totally engaged in jovial conversation and I caught him watching me from time to time. I felt vindicated with the help of the Universe and proved to myself--that even though I was heartbroken--I am not a groveling mess (at least in public--lol!)

    He spoke to me upon leaving, said he noticed me working out, etc. He was cordial, polite and still so handsome. (Funny because we met under the exact same circumstances. I was working out after toe surgery, he was coaching his team at a different park I was at that day--irony-).

    I believed that he would surely call me after our chance meeting. Nada. Two weeks later, I broke down and called him. He returned call--not recognizing number--asking who called. I had left a voicemail saying that he was on my mind and that I missed our friendship--love to hear from him, etc. When I answered, I said it was me. He responded that he was in a restaurant, etc. That, okay was two weeks ago. No follow up from him since.

    I had been having a hard time letting him go or at least the fantasy of it all. The rejection is the hardest for me to handle. I enjoyed him sexually and for the most part actually appreciated that he was blunt with me. I felt that in my marriage--I didn't grow much because I was so dominant and defensive. I liked having a confident, assertive male in my life. This N seemed to break down my defenses and he "saw me" and my vulnerabilities. My interaction with him and all these changes has pushed me to do some self-healing and exploration as to how/why I attracted the pain.

    My intuition led me to this website. I am a therapist and Empath myself. I picked up a lot about him in our brief encounters. I could sense that he was in a lot of emotional pain--possibly mommy related. He was youngest and only male of three sisters. He rescued one of his sisters and she lived with him, along with a niece and nephew. He never mentioned his mother. I know that his father was deceased. He spent time in jail as a juvenile--but said he learned lessons, turned life around. He worked as coach during day--personal body guard for club owners at night. He switched from good guy to sometimes bad guy when necessary.

    His need for control, dominance--also I could feel as his isolation. He appeared to be a great coach, he often talked that it really grounded him. He was a responsible dad and uncle. He worked hard and was pretty consistent in his day-to-day. He wasn't all bad--but his expectations and is inability to effectively communicate broke us.

    He had been in long-term relationships. He just ended a six year relationship with someone whom he told me he loved--but she supposedly betrayed him by getting into a physical altercation with his sister, etc.

    Red flag: When he told me that she called constantly, relentlessly for months. Then the calls died down. He said one day that he was tempted to call her--but fought against it--and didn't. In my mind--I thought, "wow, he really does not bend." Later I thought if he could dismiss her--(someone he had loved) then I don't have much coming.

    This website saved me today. I have been depressed, crying, trying to find my way. I have turned a corner. Being able to reframe this experience and view his issues as a mental health concern--I am able to take my power back. I may not have been so vulnerable and been able to recognize "crazy" if I hadn't been struggling so much with my separation. I wanted to be attracted and pursued by someone.

    Thank goodness he hasn't called back! I prayed that he would--but now I know that Divine Intervention is taking precedence for my own Good. Bless each of you and may each of you :0 find healing and peace.
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