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How to Detach from a Narcissist Print E-mail

 

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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Detaching from a narcissistic spouse can be quite difficult. The process of letting go can be easier if you understand the reasons why you feel attached to your narcissistic spouse, even though Narcissist is acting cruel towards you and is constantly putting you mentally down. When you understand what is causing your feelings it will be easier for you to control your emotions and get mentally rid of a narcissist.  To read more about the methods I used to teach my mind to let go of the "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

Relationship with a narcissistic partner can often be compared to drug addiction. In the beginning of the relationship a narcissist is making you feel as an amazing human being, a narcissist is claiming he or she has never met anyone like you who makes a narcissist "feel" so strongly.

It is typical for a narcissist to start to talk about "love" and "loving" almost immediately, even before a narcissist has had a chance to really get to know your personality and who you are. The beginning of the relationship with a narcissist is a wonderful time, a narcissist seems to be too good to be true. Eventually it turns out that this was true. 

During the "honeymoon" period with a narcissist, your brain is releasing so-called "pleasure substances", biochemical compounds which are responsible for the feelings of happiness, mental balance and euphoria. Your brain is being altered in such a way that you must have the "drug" constantly available to you in order to maintain a satisfied state of mind. In this case the "drug" is the love of your narcissistic partner.

Similar thing happens in all relationships in the beginning. During the first couple years of a relationship your brain is adjusting to the new life with your spouse by reorganizing the structure of the neuronal networks controlling the emotions related to romantic love. Due to this reorganization the feelings of love towards your husband or wife are integrated into your brain. This kind of reshaping of the neuronal connections only happens if you are strongly in love with your husband or wife. If you do not experience strong emotions towards your spouse, the structure of the neuronal networks is not reorganized significantly.

Addicted to a narcissist

It is very common that a narcissist can be so incredibly charming and "perfect" in the beginning of the relationship that you fall strongly in love before you even realize what is happening. As a result of this, you soon become strongly addicted to a narcissist: You must have the love of a narcissistic constantly available to you.

When a drug addict no longer has access to the drug, withdrawal symptoms will occur. When access to the drug is denied unexpectedly, withdrawal symptoms are very strong. Same thing happens in a relationship with a narcissist. As soon as the idealization phase is over, a narcissist might change his or her behavior very fast. A narcissist may turn cold, uncaring, even cruel. When this happens, you feel lost and disoriented because you can no longer fool yourself and think that your narcissistic spouse loves you. You have no idea why your spouse has changed his or her behavior, but as a result of it you are suddenly deprived of your "drug" and you experience strong withdrawal symptoms. Your mind is filled with mixed feelings of depression, anxiety and other forms of mental pain.

During this mental crisis you are trying to maintain your relationship with a narcissist. If your narcissistic spouse is giving you the slightest hint that he or she might still be in love with you and care for you, you feel like getting a single dose of the drug after painful deprivation. For a short while all your negative feelings  will disappear, but later they return even stronger.

The only effective way to get mentally rid of a narcissist is not to be in any kind of contact with a narcissist. In addition to this, reading about narcissism and experiences of those who have gone through the same mental turmoil will help you. Knowledge is power, the more you know about your "enemy" the better you can fight it. In this case the enemy is your mental addiction to a narcissist. Understanding the reasons which are causing your negative emotions makes it easier for you to control your life. This is the basic idea in psychotherapy.

If you want to learn about the methods I used to teach my mind and my brain to let go of a narcissist, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism. If you wish to use your experiences of cheating and narcissism to help people around the world and generate income while doing it, visit page Use Your Experiences to Help People. 

If you wish to read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, please go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. If you wish to read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, please go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity.

I created this website aiming to help those who are dealing with narcissism, cheating, mistrust, insecurity, betrayal or other problems in their relationship. If you wish to read more about me and my background, please visit page Site Overview. If you are interested in topics related to cheating, narcissism, mind and brain, please feel free to read my blog. Blog is being updated on daily basis. If you want to learn about ways I used to train my mind to let go of my narcissistic spouse, please visit pages Control Your Emotions and Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

- Maria

You can contact me by clicking This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it  

 

Comments (11)
  • Moonlight
    Dear Maria, thank you for a WONDERFUL website! I plan to visit here often. Trying to maintain No Contact.. Your site is giving me strength. Thanks again!
  • depressed...
    maria, I have read your site and I have realized my husband is a narcissist... I was depressed for YEARS, went to counseling, nothing worked. My husband has been cheating on me several times. I have been living in darkness. But NO MORE. I had enough. I will find my own happiness. ALONE.
  • Anonymous
    This site helped me through my darkest times, I thought I was going nuts, finding this site gave me hope and strenght, and I am now after all these years getting my life back, it is not easy, but on days I feel weak, I come here.

    Thank you
    x
  • Roberta
    Maria, thank you for creating this site. I read your book, it has helped me to realize I am not a horrible, twisted person but that I have simply been unlucky and met a narcissistic person, who sucked me into a misery that has lasted until these days... This website and your book have helped me to understand what is going on, and I am now more determined to leave than ever before.
  • freebird
    This is interesting. After I stopped having sex with my husband, I realized I didn't love him as much. (Or wasn't as addicted to him.) I even said to my sister, "don't ever stop sleeping with your husband, it changes everything."

    I think this is the same thing. Chemicals keep you there. If I had continued to sleep with him, I think I wouldn't have been able to see him as he was. In the light of reality. And I think he somehow knew that.

    Once that stopped, I became "separated", not just physically, but emotionally. Oxy something.

    Maria: is it possible that we are wired to accept people based on chemical attraction? Regardless of everything else they do?
  • Maria
    We humans are built in such a way that we develop an attachment towards those who are physically close to us. What you say is correct, sleeping with the person makes us more "vulnerable" and we may not see the big picture (the true state of the relationship).

    There is an evolutionary basis for this: It has been beneficial to develop an emotional tie to the man we are sleeping with, because often we are having children with that man and if we have a strong emotional tie to the father of our children, it increases the survival chances of the offspring (if we are tied emotionally to the father of our children, we are not going to leave the man so easily and since a man used to be needed to physically protect the family, his presence increased the survival chances of our children).

    Nature has built these things so beautifully, they all make sense. But nowadays things have changed. We do not have to succumb to our feelings like robots. If we know with reason that we are in a relationship with a person who has negative influence on our lives, we can make the decision to leave, even if our feelings are trying to make us stay. In this case our feelings are not serving our best interest, they are mere remnants of the past times when our survival and the survival of our children depended of the presence of a man.

    - Maria
  • Alphabet  - The cycle, the addiction
    I am finally severing my relationship after seven years. Oh my gosh, but the back and forth of promises had me going crazy. I was financially dependent on him. I left him three times, and went back when he promised me certain concessions. Mainly around finances. Of course, they never happened. I finally realized that he was controlling me financially. Really controlling me. So, it took me over three years, but I finally was able to take care of myself and I left. He is still calling me, but I am severing the ties. I kept getting caught up in his tears and distress. Fortunately, I remember the last three times he made promises. I know that that is just his desperation in getting me back. It is sooo very hard, but I have grown to be so strong. You have to be, to leave a narcissist. I'm really excited about my future. If I can leave a narcissist, I can do anything! I really can! It's amazing. (One website says that leaving a narcissist is for many people the hardest thing they'll ever do in their life.) As I'm at the tail end of this relationship, I really thank you for the sharing and the stories. I haven't been able to shut him out "cold turkey" - and I realize that I may need to. My life was so caught up in his and intertwined with his, it happened so slowly, that I didn't know it was happening until I had left the things I loved behind and was living a half-life, dead inside. Dying inside. (And I'm a pretty darn joyful person!) It took a long time, and I thank God every day that I never got pregnant and that he never married me! I wouldn't comply to his religion and other things. My prenuptial lawyer told me to walk a long time ago. I am finally able to do that.

    Those of us using this site don't know each other by name, and we may never meet, but I know that we are all pulling for each other and in this together and making each other stronger.

    Thank you for this site Maria. It is so desperately needed.
  • blueberry  - Bad Person
    I have been in my relationship for almost 4 years now, doesn't seem long but it has seemed liked forever for me. His bad behavior starated only after being with him for 3 months it has been a back and forth break up, get together, and can't even count how many times! He is very mean to me cuts me down every chance he gets says and does things that he knows will hurt me and to get a reaction out of me. Very verbal abusive. I don't want to write everything he has done to me because this would be a novel. During one of our break-ups we were both at the same resort and I met another guy he was talking with me and buying me drinks, while in the distance my ex N was watching. Well that weekend I went home and my N came over to my house and asked me to Marry him! I love him and I have been waiting for him to ask me that question! I was so excited this would end all the break-ups he couldn't just leave me now we would be married! So we got married 3 weeks later! Biggest mistake of my life! He has now gotten 5 times worse he is still leaving me all the time and threatening divorce every other day, for absolutely no reason I do nothing wrong, but pay for everything because he is layed off, clean everything, work full time, wait on him hand and foot, but nothing is good enough for him. He has a place up north that he goes to about 5 days a week and only comes home for two days because he knows this hurts me. Who knows he is probably having an affair up there, but I have no proof of that. Then my birthday was a week ago, and I was having a little party with family and friends and he would not even stay home for that! He left for up north and didn't even say Happy Birthday or get me a gift, and he never got me any Christmas gifts either! I spent about 200.00 on him. I just don't know what to do it is so bad now! I just got my name changed on everything we have only been married 5months it is so embarrasing, what do I tell people? Anyone out there with any words or suggestions???
  • chuck  - Ask yourself-are you happy
    Blueberry,
    I found that with my girlfriend I could never get anything right. We went back and forth and it was usually her call when we could get back together. Finally I couldn't do this anymore when her wishy-washy behavior started to get into plans with my children. Everything was about her... always. If it isn't getting better and there isn't a receive when you give, then evaluate whether you are staying for the right reasons. I left even though I thought I loved her and still think I do. I just don't want to be screwed over any longer. I have a lot of stories to tell. My favorite is that I had to prove to her that I loved her by always doing something that improved her life somehow. It didn't matter if I should improve mine, it only mattered that she was the beneficiary. Leave if it is only about him. He doesn't spend much time with you anyway so you won't be leaving much behind. Do it now and not waste any more of your life.
  • CDonz  - Looking Forward to Reading The Article
    I am so glad I found this site. I am going to do some reading this weekend. I was in an off/on relationship with a serial cheater, drug addict, sex addict, alcholic, gambler for 6 years. He blamed and still blames ME for us not being together and had me conviced I was crazy!!!! Oh my - there are so many of us "victims" out here. I not longer want to be a victim but a victor!!!!!!!!!
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