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A Narcissist as a Mental Abuser Print E-mail

 

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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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It is typical for a narcissistic person to be a mental abuser. Common forms of abuse are insults, mocking, controlling, shouting, judging etc., you name it and if a narcissist believes it can hurt you, he or she is using it against you. Common phrases heard from the mouth of these people are things such as "you deserve it", "you get what you deserve", "I am behaving like this towards you, because you are as you are, it is your own fault" etc. If you do not show with your every action that a narcissist is the most important thing in your world and that their happiness is your absolute priority, they often become very nasty and hostile.

Lack of empathy

One characteristic of a narcissist is that he or she cannot feel empathy towards others. It is often impossible for a narcissistic individual to put themselves into the shoes of another person. Tragically, they are capable of thinking only of themselves. If they feel someone is mistreating them, these people feel they have the "moral right" to treat that person badly. As a consequence, narcissists do not feel bad when they mistreat you, shout at you, insult or mock you.

Bad news for those who are living with a narcissistic person is that a they can get insulted very easily over minor things which would not upset a "normal" person. Insignificant little things can make a narcissist surprisingly angry and trigger a so-called narcissistic rage. If "victim" starts to cry as a result of the mental abuse and verbal attacks, that will not calm a narcissist down, on the contrary it often seems to aggravate their rage.

This is very alarming sign and should not be overlooked. If you have experienced this kind of behavior in your relationship, please consider long and carefully if it is good for you to continue the relationship. Empathy and support are basic things we all should receive in our relationship. We will face all sorts of troubles during the course of our lives. If you cannot trust that your spouse will give you emotional support when you need it, you are not in a healthy relationship. Ask yourself this question: Do you trust your spouse fully? Can you count on it that your spouse will stand by you and support you during difficult times, even if it would require some kind of a personal sacrifice from his or her part? Can you trust that your spouse will not suddenly make you feel bad with some cold and cruel comment or action, when you least expect it? Answer honestly to yourself and then draw the necessary conclusions.

A narcissist loves the feeling of being in control

Narcissists feel satisfaction when they feel they are in control and they often cannot relate to the suffering and pain of other people. They can appear very emotional in some circumstances, but during most important moments in life, when the happiness and the mental well-being of their partner is at stake, they can unexpectedly turn surprisingly cold and uncaring.

In a way this kind of behavior is not their "fault", since they are simply lacking the necessary equipment to understand what kind of emotional effect their behavior has on other people. But even if they are in a way not to "blame", it does not mean that you should sacrifice yourself and your life for the sake of your narcissistic partner. You deserve better than to be put down mentally every other day or week or month. You deserve to be happy.

If you are interested in learning some tricks and methods I used to break free and leave my narcissistic partner, visit page Recovery after Narcissism. There are ways to teach the mind and the brain to get over negative events in life such as betrayal and cheating. These same methods can be used to get over the destructive relationship with a narcissist. If you can control your emotions, it is much easier for you to decide what you wish to do with your relationship.

To read more about narcissism and how the mind of a narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read personal stories of life with a narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with a cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity. Go to other sections by clicking Main Menu links (left bar).

- Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

 

Comments (150)
  • Anonymous  - My abuser
    Why is that women stay with their abusers? A little less than two years ago, I certainly couldn’t have told you the answer to that question. Now I can. And that’s because I did.

    I’ll never be able to pinpoint the exact moment when my relationship started to become unhealthy. It could have been as early as the moment I met him. It could have been the first time he criticized my weight. It could have been when he started controlling who I could hang out with. It could have even been the very first time he called me a “stupid slut.” Really, at this point it all becomes a big blur full of screaming, name calling, and suicidal threats, not to mention one very unhealthy pattern of fighting and making up.

    With each fight, the emotional abuse became worse and worse. With each honeymoon period that followed, he’d tell me things would be different this time around and I would always believe him because I thought that our love could conquer anything. Eventually, I became convinced that I was just lucky to stand in his presence. I did anything that I possibly could to prove to him that I was worthy of his love. I gave him every single penny of the mere $100 biweekly paycheck that I earned at my student job. I stopped talking to people he didn’t want me to talk to. I ditched classes to drive an hour so I could bring him lunch at work, just to turn around and drive straight back home to school. No matter what I did, it never seemed to be enough. I was always too fat, too loud, too needy, too slutty, too something.

    I guess the reason that I’m thinking about all of this is because I’ve recently been pressured by my current boyfriend to take out a restraining order so that he will stop sending me harassing text messages. This would involve me going down to the court house to file for it, giving a copy to the Sheriff’s Office to serve to him, digging up phone records of said messages, and then presenting my evidence against him in a civil hearing in which he will be in attendance.

    And I guess maybe this doesn’t sound like a big deal to someone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship. But to me, he still seems 50 feet tall and I still feel like I’m 6 inches. It’s not that I admire him; it’s just that I’ve been so accustomed to thinking of the two of us in this metaphor for almost two years. It’s the equivalent of conquering a giant to me. It’s overwhelming and seems impossible and I just don’t feel ready to do that yet.

    I’ve made a lot of progress since I left him, and I’ll continue to do so. I’m just not ready to stand up and face this particular demon yet. I don’t know if I’m wrong to ask my boyfriend to stop putting pressure on me to file the court order. I don’t know how to explain where I’m coming from in this situation. I feel like unless you’ve been abused like this, you can never really understand the long-term implications and effects of it. The only thing I do know is that I’m not ready to face him in a courtroom. I’m not even ready to look at him or hear his voice. Just because I’m getting better doesn’t mean I’m back to the person that I used to be yet.

    So why do women stay with their abusers? I can’t really speak for all victims of domestic abuse, but I know why I did for over a year. I did it because I didn’t think I was strong enough to leave. For me, it wasn’t that I’d never considered leaving; I said to other people numerous times that I knew the relationship had become unhealthy. I knew that if I didn’t get out of it, the relationship would continue to consume me until the only thing left was a thin emotional skeleton of what I used to be. I stayed because he had convinced me that I wasn’t strong enough to leave him. It took me months to finally leave after that. Despite me knowing I needed to do it and despite my best friends telling me that I had to do it, it was something I had to do on my own time. I think that might be the case here again. I have to wait until I feel strong enough to face him again, because until then I won’t win any kind of battle against him, in court or otherwise.
  • Anonymous  - Finally!
    :0
    After 2 years of pure bliss and 12 years of misery, I have finally discovered my wife's personality disorder. How I wish I had this knowledge before, but now it's all over, and I know it will be for the best. She cheated on me and, when she no longer felt like hiding it, blamed ME, of course. I felt like a doormat for more than 2 months, trying in vain to recover our marriage, if not for the love that's gone, for the sake of our 7-yr old daughter. Now that I know she is mentally deranged, we are in the process of separating, but I cannot enforce the NO CONTACT b/c of our kid. I will have to see her twice a week. But now I feel much better, and sorry for those still living in darkness regarding their cheating, lying, uncaring, dishonest, selfish spouses.
  • Pissed off
    :angry-red: I have been in this shit hole of a relationship for 4 years off and on. He always tells me how stupid i am. That i am not equal to him. He hates it when i talk to my family. But he will NEVER take them away from me. And his favorite name to call me, forgive my language right now, is a stupid cunt. I hate that f***ing word! There is much more. But i dnt know about how to leave and cut ties. Help!
  • Jill
    Well my last comment was on 11-09-12. My brother could not admit he had a narcissistic wife and she verbally abused her. It is now 07-24-13 and my brother went to a divorce lawyer today to have papers drawn up so she can be served. I am praying he sticks with it this time. Let me explain how this came about. In the past she had an affair...but claimed she was only "friends" with the guy. My brother wanted to work things out with her, so he accepted her explanation. Supposedly everything was wonderful between them for 4 months. We knew the only reason they were wonderful was because he never brought up the affair she had and basically did everything she wanted him to do. He was walking on eggshells. Well one night she was supposed to be going out with her sister. She never came home until the next day. He got in the car in the middle of the night and she was at the guy's house that she had the affair with. As soon as he called her on it...her personality flipped again. She was raging, and insulting and just abusive. Funny thing is, he didn't do anything wrong. She was the one that had the affair and didn't come home. Then a week after that my brother saw her driving the boyfriend around town in his car. She was taking him out on a date with my brother's money...since she doesn't work. THAT is what finally made him see the light. I can't wait until the divorce is final. I hope it's a quick process...because she is just flipping out on him. It is not safe to be around her. She's pathetic.
  • DJD  - What I Learned
    I'm currently recovering from a 2 year relationship with a high-level Narcissist. Unless you've experienced the Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde personality of someone operating in the world in the absence of a conscience and accountability, it's truly not possible to fully grasp such an evil predator's power.

    I don't say "evil" easily but it is the correct word to describe the man who exploited and manipulated my life. This man works for the CIA and it can to an extent be argued, chicken or egg, in regards to his blank indifference for the Truth. People in his line of work are taught to lie in order to save their lives. This acknowledgement led to my acceptance of some of his loose boundaries regarding the Truth. His cover is seemingly sound in the beginning which allows him to sink his fangs into his victims.

    He's a textbook Narcissist. We met online and started dating. He was extremely attentive to the point of making me feel a little uncomfortable but I hadn't been attracted to anyone in so long, I dismissed it with "well, at least I know he likes me.". He told me he loved me within a few weeks and I returned the sentiment. Almost immediately, he began to detach emotionally. He almost never comimented me and never asked about my life. I have a terminally ill mother who he never asked about. Always went to his house since he had kids and I don't, it made sense to me.
    Red flags: he was looking at other women on our first date and throughout our relationship would do that. He freaked out about anything that remotely resembled a criticism. Example: after dating for about 3 months, I mentioned to him that I was concerned about the fact that he was never addectionarw anywhere but in the bedroom. I mentioned that never said I looked nice ir asked about me. After that conversation, he gave me the silent treatment for days. When I was with him again and a few months later the topic came up again, he flew into an accusatory narcissistic rage in which he walked away and then confronted me with, "I had three choices when you said what you said. I could punch you, listen to you or walk away and I listened." because I dared to have a need and speak a sentence that didn't relate expressions of how amazing he was, I had to be punished. I found him on dating web sites while we were together and he always had an excuse. Once he actually tried turning it around on me by asking why was I looking on there. He broke up with me every three months for no reason and would just disappear. Stop all communication which left me understandably confused and heartsick. He'd come back a couple weeks later or at the longest 3 months later stating that I was right and he was wrong. He gave me a key to his house and said that he wanted a life with me and to marry me (although he never actually proposed). He was a "man" of all talk, no action. He used his CIA status to claim he was gone on training even though he was an iffice worker and no longer an agent.
    He admitted to having taken $5K from his last girlfriend and then almost immediately dumped her to date me. He had an ex-wife who left him after 16 years of putting up with him being gone, emotionally abusive and oh yeah, cheating on her..but his story is told as if he was the victim. He has two brothers who won't speak to him, a women at work who is supposedly sexually harrassing him, an ex-girlfriend he claims stalked him. His motto is "i may not always be right but I'm never wrong."

    He used that pain he experienced from his broken marriage as the excuse for why he always ran away.
    Bottom line is, he would lie to my face without skipping a beat ("I'm saving those condoms for when my teenage sons will need them, that's why they're in my nightstand"..a huge open box of them turned toward the bed as if he recently reached for one), disappear from my life with a two line text after having been together for months and while claiming to still love me. He was a master of saying one thing and doing the opposite. This may all sound like ranting if you haven't been in this sort of situation but I share this because this experience has greatly damaged my ability to trust. That said, It has been a blessing in disguise in that it has led me into therapy and a new sense of my self-worth. I'm 45 years ild and have had a life-long pattern of choosing narcissistic boyfriends. I didn't even know what a narcissist was until looking for answers regarding the unconscionable and cruel behavior of this last boyfriend. I believe everything happens for a reason. God had to dial up the pain for me with this last boyfriend so that I would see what was broken in me due to a damaging childhood. This has been so painful, God has my undivided attention now. And while I struggle to come to terms with the fact that a person can be so cruel and duplicitous without any concern for hurting others. I work to fully accept this while simultaneously embracing the fact that his behavior has nothing whatsoever to do with my value. Just because this narcissist can lie, exploit and discard me as if I were a mere object and not a human deserving of respect, it in no way means he's right to do so. God doesn't want us to betray and disrespect eachother for our own selfish purposes, of this I'm certain. If this bottom feeder didn't want me in his life, the right thing to do would have been to have that discussion with me abs the leave me alone. Not what narcissists do. They go and get fresh supply (cheat on their partner) and then slither back with excuses and apologies. Since it's incredibly hard to believe someone would intentionally lie, misrepresent intentions and cruelly discard a "loved" one, we accept excuses until the insanity escalates to an undeniable level.
    I encourage everyone to read up on the narcissistic disorder so healing can happen more quickly and future avoidance of these predators is ensured.
  • Shameka Starks  - loving a N
    I am so happy I came across this website. I have been dealing with a N who before all the "red flags" came into play I thought was my soulmate.I have been dealing with his silent treatments for sometime now. I am very opionated so I would let him "have it"when I felt violated or disrespected. His response would be to stop talking to me. I was stubborn so I would not talk to him as well but it would only last for a couple months. I always initiate the contact and to get him to apologize huh that never happened. Recently he has been verbally abusive were he has called me out my name a few times.Long story short I have turned my life upside down and moved to a different state to be closer to him.The last straw was when I tried to express my feelings for him through a text and explain to him that Im emotionally drained and im gonna leave him alone. He text me back calling me a stupid bitch. Something just clicked in my brain. I never responded back to his text. Its only been 2 weeks but it is something different in me this time around. I guess doing research on what he truly is has made me understand that no matter how much love I give him he will never love me back.
  • Angie-depleted  - Yes the reply to you pouring your heart out is ver
    Wow they really are all alike it is exhausting to try to make them understand what they are doing to you and seen as weakness if you cry . It is sad that they distroy everyone in there life by depleting them of there energy and self worth .i wondered when I met his children and ex why they all complemented him over and over but each child later told me he never calls them and there angry about it they hoped I would talk to him about it . I thought well that is so strange if there angry with him why don't they just tell him .now I know they were all Loved starved by him and when they tried to tell him they were always cut off .he just would go months without even calling them but of corse he payed child support and complained to everyone at work and anyone that would listen how is ex ruined him by asking for so much money for there three children and that he pays it faithfully because he's such a great father ,How she had been unfaithful but he later told me he cheated on her with her own cussin but it wasnt his fault that his wife went out of town to cheat on him . I don't believe that was true as he regularly accuses me but I' never cheated but he did.
  • Lisa  - My life
    I recently realized after almost 13 years that I live with a narcissist. He left 7 years ago to work in Los Angleles....2000 miles away. He said it was for our family. It seemed right for a while because he came home often and we were building our dreams. Once we hit our goals he still did not want to come home. He made three times as much as me so he was always in control. I have stayed home, worked, kept up land and a home but am still nobody in his eyes. My father is a therapist and I have grown up understanding things but I never knew such a manipulative, demeaning, oppressive, competitive, evil person existed. It seems he wakes up with an agenda...you cant try to help these people see what they are doing because they already know. Its just a game. The depth of manipulation can go as deep as acting like they don't hear you, or they missed your call, or it is just an accident that they step on your foot everytime your out to dinner, or compete against anything that you try to achieve. I think I may be heading for a divorce. Funny thing is since I realized who I am married to I am more stressed than ever!
  • ParkerT  - Overcomer
    Hello, I have truly enjoyed reading these stories off and on over the last year or so. I was in an ABUSIVE relationship/marriage with a "Narcissist" for many years, it wasn't until my final departure that I came to realize what I had been up against. What finally led me to leave was what began as a slap early on in the relationship turned in to being beat like I was a man in the streets that had just disrespected his mother or something. Mind you I was just the "girlfriend" when I got slapped but now I was his "wife" being beat like a rag doll. I dealt with all the emotional/mental stress, cheating, selfishness, munipulating, etc. But what helped me through it all was I needed to discover a love that I had never known and that was the love of GOD. It is HIM that keeps me sain. I knew that if I would of remained in that marriage any longer the lasting damage it would cause me and my kids. We have a son together and our son loves us both unconditionally. My prayer is for all of you who have been in this mess and can't seem to muster up any strength to not walk, jog, or sprint but (flee)- run as in terror to save you or anyone else that maybe subject to this type of abuse. It's true they WILL NOT change. The beat down I mentioned earlier, he didn't remember any of it though he seen pictures the black eye, the huge hole in my knee, even the night he spent in jail, he had convinced himself that he didn't do all of what I said he did. So I began to think about it, as I played that night over & over in my head I started to understand that I wasn't seeing my exes face I was seeing a demon and he was under a demonic influence, that was even more of a reson for me to get out. We were both in church. The enemy has one thing in mind and that is to steal kill and destroy, but Jesus came to destroy the work of the devil. If you have a Bible please read 1 Corinthians 13, love doesn't do "any" of the things that are being stated in these post. Most of all forgive them for they know not what they do. Forgive yourself so that you may be able to move on to live a healthy life. And remember forgiveness is not for them it's for you. Have a God Blessed Day....
  • Lisa Breeggemann  - Get OUT!!!!
    Everyone has a story to be told and a wound to be healed. I know after 21 years I did it. Your battle with them will never change. Their abuse is not heathly for you and your children.It's been 5years now and I'm so happy.I breath,laugh,love,think and talk so different now. Find yourself and believe that you are strong.I started my life over and met a wonderful man.We share the same stories of our ex's. Have faith in GOD,he really helps. I have two children with my ex-husband and I'm working through issues with them.Nothing that I can't handle now.I'm so strong now, it's funny my ex-husband will not talk to me. I truly thank God everyday for my jorney. It's worth every tear and fear, YOU CAN DO IT. Take your power back,walk away... I pray for all of you.
  • Kpc  - Read 1Corintians 7:14-16
    I will paraphrase:
    I you are unevenly yoked to an unbeliever you should stay. But, if the unbeliever leaves the marriage (and with infidelity he left the marriage spiritually (the covenent)) then you are free to go. Scripture goes on to say that "God has called you to have peace. For you wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband."
  • Jill Lillis  - Read 1Corintians 7:14-16
    Marital unfaithfulness is ANYTHING that breaks the covenant of marriage. Violence and abuse are marital unfaithfulness.
  • Linda  - Agreed
    Thank you Jill. I am trying to leave a 32yr marriage that I stayed in because a) I'm a Christian and I've been told all my life that divorce is wrong b) I gave up a free ride to college for marriage and have no financial security on my own and c) two children which are now on there own with their own families. It's time, as an empty nester, to get out. He tells me I'm obviously not praying and that I'm listening to the devil, that divorcing him is sinfully wrong and I'm destroying his life and the family. I must remain strong and keep moving forward. I called 911 last weekend when he was verbally threatening to throw me out of the house and he tried to get ME committed as mentally unstable and was refused that nite on no grounds (can you believe the irony?). I've gotten a protection order. I'm terrified when they serve him tomorrow when he comes home as I still have to live in this house until I can move. But I've got to leave. It's now or never and I can't live under this oppression and condemnation anymore. Verbal abuse is SO difficult to prove. Thankfully I was able to report a few incidents of physical abuse to support my sufferage. I am so scared to struggle financially on my own and I hope the children will understand; but, I'll be more miserable if I stay. The covenant was broken years ago with verbal, emotional, physical abuse. For others out there in pain, LEAVE AS SOON AS YOU CAN! Find agencies to help you. Get out early. God does NOT want you to remain in a marriage that is unhealthy and demeaning. It is not sin. Seek LOVE.
  • Hopeful  - We are in the same place
    I know how you feel. I am there.our youngest daughter is sick and still at home, so leavening is not the answers for me. I couldn't. Leave her here with him.he only hit me once and I hit back so that. Stop that. But he has a bad mouth . The metal abuse was bad, now I just don't care and that helps, he just told me he has a std and my reaction. Was ok,just don't see my doctor, go find you one in another place, lol he haven't spoken about it anymore. 65 years old he needs to take care of himself, I don't or want to anymore. He was always about him and what he needed and that all that matter,he cheated so many thing, and i am to blame.our oldest daughter done the research and fine web site and it was plain to her what her. Father was,after reading . I know now there no changing him and I wish I find out sooner. I am in the same boat no money and no place to go.don't know what I am doing. No job, I could write a book on selfless and no one matter but me. It always about me(him). I don't know why I stay so long out of fear and beat down, I haven't share a room him with for seven years now.a couple of weeks ago he ask if we could share our room,I told him I would think about it, I believe now I know he was trying to hurt me.... Why would anyone do that , I didn't ask question about the std, never well ... Never going back. Our bed was wreck because of an affair he had with a old woman in a bar, he let me know it was going on by the women coming to our home,. I told him then that he put this between us and he needed to fix it,he didn't . So he is reaping what he sews. I don't show any emotion with him and that helps, I let him go and do what he please and that helps me,I could live like this,and I do,I don't spend anything with him and he likes it that away, I never seen anyone that could talk about himself as he does, no matter what you are talking about it has to be him that talk about him everything is about him,it has been 30 years , I hope you can find the courage to fight it maybe a long one,just take care of you and be careful. No to show how you feel because he will use it to hurt you,stay clam and let him talk all he want to ,maybe it want be so bad, I have learn to shut down and let him talk. Until he is done, I am safe for another day,take care
  • Jill
    Maybe I will feel better if I tell my story. My brother is so smart. Went to college and has a great paying job. He had the perfect situation, until he married his wife. Now his life isn't even half of what it used to be. She is a huge "N". She's a liar, a cheat, a verbal abuser, and has no compassion at all. She's always right, and everything is everyone elses fault. Everything she does wrong...such as her affair, is his fault. She will give him the silent treatment for days at a time. He hasn't slept in "their" bed for about 2 years. According to her, it's because he snores and she has allergies and he moves dust around in the room. I feel silly typing this, because it is SO CRAZY. He was going to divorce her twice. She always seems to wrangle him back in. She has no money or means to take care of herself and her daughter from a previous relationship. She will sweet talk him to come back to her and say she will go to counseling and do whatever it takes. Then when he takes her back she refuses to go to counseling. My family has tried over and over to get him to realize she is a narcissist and will never get better. He is blind to it. She has him brainwashed that everything is his fault. He doesn't speak up to her....in fear of making her mad. He doesn't want her to freak out and leave him. He actually says he loves her. There is nothing to love. He is holding on to nothing. She disrespects me and my parents. Calls us all kinds of names behind our back. She is just horrible. She complains about us. Says we never cared for her. We did everything for her and her daughter. Welcomed them into our lives. But she doesn't see it that way. My brother barely talks or sees us anymore. When he does, he is always saying if it wasn't for family...his relationship with his wife would be fine. He always wants us to take these extra steps to try to please her. We have tried a couple of times, but it gets us no place. His wife ends up saying we are fake. He just can't see the light. It's pathetic. I don't know how he lives like that. We used to have the most normal loving family....until she came into the picture. It's so sad. I want to scream...I am so mad at him for not being smart enough to get a grip and get out. He's young enough (38) to get rid of her and start over. My only hope is that he NEVER has children with that woman. We pray everyday that he comes to his senses.
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