Hi Maria, 

One year ago while on home leave I received an email from my husband of 22 years.  We had been living overseas.  He works with a large international firm.  My youngest son and I had returned to start the school year with the expectations that my husband would follow within a few months.  A few months turned into a year.  Last summer, my husband returned to help move us into our new home that had just been completed.  It was to serve as our homebase when we returned overseas.  He was home for almost a month working with our 3 sons as we settled in.  He went back to overseas and then 2 weeks later sent an email to me telling me he had made a new life and hoped we would move on.

I thought we had a strong, happy marriage.  His email came with no forewarning to any of us.  He never mentioned any unhappiness.  He didn't even sit down to tell me.  After 22 years I was only deserving of a long distance email.  He said no to any counseling.  If he were to come home and make love to me he would be cheating on his girlfriend.  He said I was screwed anyway I looked at this because I would no longer have him. He enjoyed having sex with me and could have gratuitous sex for 50K.  Maybe I would never recover from this but that would be my own fault. He was "in-love" and couldn't help it.

I lost 25 pounds in 3 months.  I blamed myself and not him.  I have been working with a great Buddhist therapist.  I have gotten stronger and realize that this had nothing to do with me, what I did or didn't do.  This guy is the ultimate narcissist.  He is powerful, wealthy and handsome.  I was now useless to him.  Our family was just a drain on his time and resources.  We were objects that he no longer desired or found useful.  He discarded us and moved on to his new host, a bright, new model to go along with his brand-new life.  This man is just a shell.  He missed the empathy gene when they were handing them out.  He never came home for his youngest son's graduation.  He sent me another lovely email asking me to pass on his congratulations.

We are nearing the finalization of our divorce.  The boys and I have made it through the year.  I am still alive and standing.  We are all healthy.  We have grown closer from all this.  My core values have not changed.  We have the strong support of our family and friends.  We will be OK without him.  We will never understand why he did this.  His father and grandfather both committed suicide in their late 40's.  His mother left her 2 yr old daughter to run off with another man.  She, his brother and sister have all been married several times.  They do what they do best, they leave.  They leave broken people in their wake.  None of them have a clue as to how to nurture and truly love.  I feel compassion for them all.  My boys will have had at least one strong and loving parent.  They will be not be a part of this horrible legacy.

So, we say goodbye to this person who was once a cherished member of our family.  We wish him well and let him go with love.

In light and love

Dear Friend,

Thank you for sending your story. I am sorry you had to go through all that, but I am glad to hear you are already on the winning side. It takes time to recover after an ultimate betrayal such as the one you have experienced. I was simply amazed to read about the behavior of your husband. It is impossible to understand how someone can walk away from his family and break the news in such a cruel way, and not even show up to his son's graduation.

Based on your description I agree 100% with your diagnosis: This guy is an ultimate narcissist. Nothing else matters to him but himself. He is lacking the mental "tools" which are needed for empathy and so he does not realize the pain he is causing in you when he is behaving this way. He is mentally invalid in this sense. It helps you to process the pain when you realize there is nothing personal in his actions towards you, his behavior has nothing to do with you, he would have behaved like that no matter with whom he is involved. I am glad to hear you have already realized this.

It is natural to blame oneself when something like this happens. I am so happy to hear you have already passed that phase and realized there was nothing you did wrong, nothing you could have done to prevent this. Your ex husband made his own choices. You do not have to let the actions of your husband influence your mental balance, you can learn to control your emotions instead of letting your emotions control you. To understand better what I mean by this, please read this article of Controlling Emotions.

I am glad you are already well on the way to recovery. I am also happy to hear you do not harbor feelings of bitterness and anger towards your ex spouse. You say you feel sorry for your ex husband. You are right in saying that. His relationship with this new woman is most likely not going to be just sunshine and happiness.

It is not a good way to start the relationship with cheating. His new woman will always remember how their relationship started and she is not going to be able to fully trust your ex husband. This will cast the shadow over their relationship. This new woman knows that your husband is wealthy, handsome and powerful (as you described). She knows there are many other women out there who are also interested in him. New woman will be insecure and jealous. She will always be afraid she will lose him. And one day she most likely will, because narcissists cannot stay loyal. Your ex husband is not going to be able to resist the temptation and will most likely end up cheating her too.

Your ex husband will always remember that his new woman is the kind of a person who is capable of being in a relationship with married man, in other words she is a dishonest person who is capable of cheating. Due to this, your ex husband will also feel jealousy and is not able to fully trust her. What they did to you will be their punishment: They are two dishonest cheaters who shall carry the memory of their betrayal for the rest of their relationship, and it is preventing them from being fully happy. Their relationship is most likely not going to last. 

There can also be many other things your former husband has been keeping from you. If your husband truly is narcissistic (and it sounds like he is) it is very likely that this woman was not the first one with whom he has been having an affair. I am sorry to say this, please do not be offended. I can imagine you have already been processing these matters thoroughly and I am sure you have thought about that possibility. Perhaps you will never know the truth, but the most important thing is this: You would never have been able to fully trust a man like that. It was only a matter of time when he brought you misery. It could have happened earlier, it could have happened a bit later in life. But at some point he would surely have betrayed your trust. It is good that it happened now and not later. You still have big portion of your life ahead of you. You can and you will be happy again. As time goes by, you shall forget these sad events. Time always helps. I know this so well from my own experience. Please read this thread in discussion forum of how I was able to free myself mentally from my narcissistic partner: How I was able to end relationship with my narcissistic spouse. Read also my posts in this other thread, they deal with this same topic and point out couple important points regarding narcissists and their behavior: Click to read the thread. 

Thank you for writing and sharing your story. Reading your story will help others who are in similar situation, facing the pain due to betrayal and cheating. It will give them strength and hope when they see they are not alone with this sort of problems and that it is possible to get over something like this. Even tho I know you still carry the memory of betrayal in your heart, what shines through from your letter is that you are already well on the way towards full recovery. Your letter serves as a message of hope to all those who are still struggling in darkness.

I wish all the best for you and your children, from all my heart. Hugs and warm thoughts,

- Maria

If you wish to read about the methods I used to teach my mind and brain to get rid of the negative memories related to my cheating spouse, please visit page Recovery After Cheating. To read more personal stories of life with narcissistic spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse. To read more about narcissism and how the mind of narcissist works, go to section Narcissism. To read about cheating and how the mind of a cheater works, go to section Cheating and Infidelity. To read personal stories of life with cheating spouse, go to section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity.

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