Hello Maria,

I'm 27 years old woman. My boyfriend cheated on me a year and a half ago. I am having a very hard time getting over it. I found out 2 months after it happened from one of his friends (They are not friends anymore). He cheated on me with one of his bestfriends' wife, whom we both knew. The fact that he did not tell me himself makes it a little more difficult. He seems genuinely remorseful, and as far as I know, it only happened once. We had already been together 5 years when this happened. He says he was trying to find the guts to tell me, but his friend beat him to it. He was scared to lose me. He also admits to me, very honestly, that if the word never got out, if the girl never told anyone, he probably would never have told me. He said, honestly, he was too scared to lose me and was hoping to take this secret to his grave.

Immediately after I found out, and he begged me to stay and vowed never to do it again, I decided to work on our relationship. At first, it seemed like things were going to work out. It felt like I was finally getting over it, and we were having fun again. Six months ago, the two of us decided to move to another city because people were just too nosy and judgmental, and it was very difficult for both of us. We were going to start a new life together in this new city. Now, I find myself very depressed and questioning my decision. He hasn't done anything to betray my trust since the incident, but I am still having doubts. I seem to bring it up every day whenever something reminds me of it. I'm sure he is tired of hearing it everyday because we were almost getting over it. But I'm so depressed, and my way of dealing with it is to get upset and throw it in his face and make him feel bad about it.

I have so many questions. Do I stay with this guy who has already cheated on me once and who vows to never cheat again, even though there may be a chance that down the road, he might do it again? Do I risk going out there and finding another guy who will probably also cheat on me? It seems like 90% of the guys I know and they guys I see on TV have or are cheating on their girlfriends/wives. If I stay with him, will I ever trust him again? If I leave him, will I ever trust other guys? Do I want to throw away a 6-year relationship over one mistake? Well, it already seems like the first five years have been tossed away. Am I ever going to get over this? How do I build up my self-esteem after this tragedy? What do I do? I'm so confused. Can you give me some guidance?

- Depressed and lonely

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. I have personal experience of cheating and lying in a relationship so I know exactly how you are feeling. My spouse lied to me about other women and got romantic with them when I was in another city. That wounded me deeply. My first reaction was a shock. I felt as if somebody pulled the carpet from beneath my feet. Up to that point I had trusted my spouse 100%. When I found out about lying, the whole foundation of my world was shaken. I could no longer believe my spouse loved only me, because he was capable of getting romantic with other women. I was so much in love with him that I could never imagine getting romantic with anyone else. I simply had zero desire to do anything like that. I thought that since my spouse was capable of cheating and lying, his love towards me was not as strong as my love towards him.

Dear Friend, I am not suggesting your boyfriend does not love you strongly. Based on your email your boyfriend does not seem to have been lying to you after the cheating took place and he is also otherwise behaving well towards you. It is important to be aware that anyone can make mistakes in this life. The main thing is whether the person is willing to learn from the mistake. In case of my spouse, due to his narcissistic personality he was not feeling sorry for lying to me and therefore he could not process the matter with me sufficiently so that I would have gotten over the betrayal. Had he been able to do it, I believe things might have worked out for us. But unfortunately we had also many other problems due to my spouse's narcissistic personality.

I recommend you to familiarize yourself with the book Learn to Control Your Emotions. With a bit of a training it is possible to learn to control the negative emotions instead of letting the emotions control you. Human brain is truly an amazing device. In this website I am describing the methods that can be used to teach the brain and the mind to deal with the tragedies in life such as cheating and dealing with a narcissist. Many people have wrote back to me telling that they have found these methods to be helpful in their situation. The positive feedback I have received from my readers is the best reward I can get, it gives me the energy to keep doing this work. You can read more about this topic from page: Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

It seems your boyfriend is not narcissistic. He can therefore do something to help you to overcome this problem. It sounds like he has already been helping you, by being sorry about what happened and promising never to do it again. Those are the key things in the recovery process, and he has done them both. That is a very good news for the future of your relationship. The most important thing in getting over cheating is understanding and mental support from the cheating partner. If you can truly believe that your boyfriend is sorry about cheating and is really regretting it, it is easier for you to to forgive him. Unfortunately my spouse was not able to show he regret what happened, so I had to struggle alone to get over my pain and feelings of insecurity, which always follow cheating and betrayal. 

Based on your email I would say I am optimistic regarding your situation and the future of your relationship, considering everything. There are many others out there who are dealing with serial cheaters and narcissists. To read some of their stories, please visit section Personal Stories of Narcissistic Spouse. Your boyfriend only cheated on you once (as far as you know) and when that happened, you had already been together for 5 years. So your boyfriend does not sound like the kind of a person who has a natural tendency to cheat. If I were you, I would believe that and I would allow myself to trust him again. Anyone can make one mistake. 

Dear Friend, I am sorry you had to hear about the cheating, since it has now cast a shadow over your life for such a long time. On the other hand it is always good to know the truth. Then again on the other hand, now when you know how painful cheating feels like, how deep the wounds are and how long it takes for the wounds to heal, would you tell your boyfriend if you somehow ended up having sex with someone else, for example in some party when you are drunk? Even if your answer is "yes, of course I would tell him", perhaps when you think about this matter for a while you can understand why your boyfriend felt it is better not to tell you. Your boyfriend was afraid that you would leave him after you heard about cheating, and because he loves you he did not want to take that chance.

I would not feel bad about the fact that he did not tell you about this matter himself. I think it is natural to be afraid of telling about cheating. Only few of us are strong enough to do the right thing (tell the truth) in that kind of a situation. Your boyfriend most likely felt he had made a huge mistake, and he decided never to do it again, because he loves you and wants to be with you. He was afraid of losing you if he told you about the cheating. This shows he loves you. He chose you, not the other woman. OBS! I would not say like this if he had a long-term secret affair, instead of a one night stand. Long-term affair is always a calculated thing, and there is no excuse for it. But your boyfriend made only one mistake, a momentary poor judgment. He was not in love with that woman, he is in love with you. That is why he is still with you and moved with you to another city. That is the best evidence of his love towards you.

Words come easy but actions speak. If I were you, I would not doubt his love towards you. I would also trust that your boyfriend is doing his best never again to cheat. If cheating nevertheless occurs at some point in your life, there is nothing you can do about it. That is life, these things can happen, and if they do, people either deal with them or they move on. The most important thing for you to do right now is not to waste your precious life with worries and feelings of insecurity!

Most likely your boyfriend also wanted to spare your emotions by not telling you. I am NOT saying that it is ok not to tell about cheating, all I am saying is that I do understand those people who make the decision not to tell after only one "accidental" event. Many people end up cheating once, for several different reasons (some accidental, some calculated), and after that they realize the horrible feeling of quilt and mental pain they must endure afterward. Many learn from one mistake and never repeat it again. Your boyfriend might very well belong to this category. 

However, I do understand your pain. I felt the same when I was being lied to. I was able to ease my pain when I forced myself to learn to think in a new way. I realized that no matter what I did, I could not "force" my spouse to stay with me. He would stay if he loved me enough, and if he would not, then he would leave. We cannot keep another person chained to us. Having said that, I believe it is not worth it to waste the precious time for worrying about the possibility of cheating. It either happens or it does not happen. You have no power over it. You can only be yourself in a relationship. You cannot pretend you are something else than you really are. It is a bad option to try to please your boyfriend and to try to change yourself to be more like an "ideal woman", whatever that is.

If I was in your situation, I would most likely not leave my boyfriend over one mistake like that, if he was truly remorseful. You say your boyfriend is regretting deeply what happened. Let me say this Dear Friend: I would be SO HAPPY if my only problem with my former spouse had been that kind of a one time incident (you can read from this website more about my relationship to my narcissistic partner). I am not trying to say your problem is insignificant, it is absolutely not. It is a huge problem for you, I know that. But the reason why it is huge is because your "baseline" level (the general condition of your relationship) with your boyfriend seems to be good.

Of course all relationships have their problems, but you are not saying anything about that so I assume your relationship is a good one, besides the incident of cheating. If this is the case, I think you should not leave your boyfriend over this. He is probably just as sorry about the cheating as you are. However, your boyfriend cannot change the past. I am sure he feels sad and frustrated due to what happened. I am sure he would take it back if he could. 

I have so many questions. Do I stay with this guy who has already cheated on me once and who vows to never cheat again, even though there may be a chance that down the road, he might do it again?

Of course you are the one to make the final decision, but since you asked for my advice, I will give it to you. My advise to you is yes, stay with your boyfriend if you truly love him. Do not leave him over this. If you have some other issues in your relationship, it is another situation, but if the relationship is otherwise good, do not throw away 6 years because of one mistake. I believe we are all allowed to make one mistake. Please try your best to forgive your boyfriend. I strongly recommend you to read the book Learn to Control Your Emotions. I have written that book exactly for people who are in your situation. Book gives you new insights and helps you to get over the memory of cheating. I truly believe that reading the book will help you. The information in the book is based on my personal experiences and to the extensive literature research I have done regarding this topic. You can read more about the book from this page: Recovery After Cheating.

Do I risk going out there and finding another guy who will probably also cheat on me? It seems like 90% of the guys I know and they guys I see on TV have or are cheating on their girlfriends/wives.

It is true that cheating is very common, unfortunately. That is one of the reasons why I think you should not leave your boyfriend over one mistake, if you otherwise love him and are happy with him. 

If I stay with him, will I ever trust him again?

I believe you will learn to trust your boyfriend again. I am also discussing this topic in the book Learn to Control Your Emotions.

If I leave him, will I ever trust other guys?

I believe you will, but I also believe there is a big risk you will be sorry later on if you left your boyfriend over this. I think you should give your relationship a chance, if you love your boyfriend. 

Do I want to throw away a 6-year relationship over one mistake?

As I said before, I strongly recommend you to consider before leaving your boyfriend. This was one mistake. Your boyfriend has not been cheating on you after that. I know how painful you feel about this one incident, but try your best to forgive him. It is better for you to trust than not to trust. If you do not trust your boyfriend, your relationship will slowly become corrupted due to your insecurity and inability to trust, and you will slowly turn into a bitter, suspicious woman. Dear Friend, I do not wish that for you!

Am I ever going to get over this?

You ABSOLUTELY will! Trust me on this one. Please read this article of different stages of recovery after cheating: How to Get Over Cheating. What you are going through right now is very natural, everyone has to go through the same process in order to fully recover after cheating. 

How do I build up my self-esteem after this tragedy? What do I do? I'm so confused. Can you give me some guidance?

Dear Friend, I strongly suggest you try your best to forgive your boyfriend his mistake. If he only cheated on you one time and has been truly sorry about it, I think you have every reason to believe he will do everything he can to prevent this kind of thing from happening again. Try putting yourself in his position: What if you made one mistake and you are truly sorry about it, and your boyfriend is not able to forgive you, no matter what you do? I believe you would feel extremely sad.

If you can truly from your heart forgive your boyfriend, your suspicions will go down and it will be easier for you to trust your boyfriend again. Remind yourself that your boyfriend is also suffering due to this, he is sorry that it happened, it is not only you who is in pain. I am sure your boyfriend loves you. If he would not love you and care for you, why would he have stayed with you and why would he go through the trouble of trying to fix the relationship? This shows you how important you are to him. 

Your self-esteem will improve once you realize that your "value" does not depend on your boyfriend. Even if your boyfriend would end up cheating on you again and even leaving you (this is the worst case scenario, I am not suggesting this will happen), you would eventually be fine. You would recover and you would continue your life. In my book I am discussing a lot about the issue of happiness and mental balance and how it is possible to achieve them in life.

This is a very important point, it pretty much summarizes everything: If your self-esteem is good, you do not have the feelings of insecurity. The feelings of insecurity are the source of your misery and suffering. Once you can eliminate them, you will achieve a stable, balanced state of mind and you can continue your relationship happily without fearing and anticipating the worst. To read more about these topics and to learn the ways to control your emotions instead of letting your emotions control you, please download my book from page Recovery After Cheating (click the link to go to the page). 

I am glad you wrote to me. I am sure things will turn out the best for you. Please feel free to write to me anytime you like. I will help you and support you any way I can.

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Comments (3)

• |2009-10-13 22:39:42 kelli  - cheated on
  I have been cheated on by a guy that i have know 5 months. I lived with his mother and she introduced us. we are both 29 years old and i have a daughter who is 9. He broke up with me the day after he moved his stuff into his moms house. he never left, he changed his mind and hour later. things went back to normal for the remaining 3 weeks we were going to live there before we signed a lease of our own. the weekend before we moved he cheated on me with an ex. no protection, he said he was tring to make a baby with her. ( I had went to get my tubes tied 2 weeks prior and the surg couldnt be performed that day, due to complications.) he stayed at her house for 3 days, even had dinner with the family and her kid. He came home and lied for the first 2 days, told me he was in a motel. he came clean and told me over the phone on the 3rd day while i was at work. I made him call her, so i could tell her that she was done and not going to ruin this. I made him change his phone number and quit his band of 7 years, because she is always at his shows and i was not willing to ever see her again. he has done all this. we moved in, and things were fine for a week. then i snapped. its been 1 month since all this happened. The sad thing is, i dont know if i would have moved in with him if i had a choice. I had to move out of his moms, my daughter grew close to him, and without his income, i couldnt do it on my own. i love this guy to death, dont get me wrong, up until this happened, we hadnt had a fight in 4 months. its so early in this relationship and i dont know how to get past this. please help. im at a lose here.
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• |2009-10-15 20:49:41 Maria
  Dear Kelli, I really feel for you. You are in love with this guy, but he does not seem to appreciate you enough. It seems he is not ready to commit to a new relationship, since he has been cheating on you already even thought your relationship is not even 6 months old. I am sorry to say this, but that is really a bad sign.
  
  Also the things he has said to you sound very cruel and insensitive. As if he cannot put himself into your position or does not care to do it. Either way, it is pretty bad. And what is that talk about trying to make a baby with his ex (when he cheated on you with her)?? Sounds like there is something seriously wrong with this guy. That does not sound like talk of a normal person. What kind of a cruel person would say such thing to his girlfriend (you)? What good would that do to anyone?
  
  Even if those other problems would not exist, he also seems to have general difficulties making up his mind (you said he wanted to break up at one point but then he changed his mind 1 hour later). If you stay with this man, it will take several years before you are able to fully trust him again.
  
  If you truly love him, I understand you want to give it a try. But please remember that it wil be harder to let go after being together for many years. I speak out of experience. I also saw the signs but I wanted to give my relationship a chance. It turned out that my gut feeling was correct, and the man who I was with was not worthy of my trust and my love.
  
  Please observe the situation and observe your feelings for a while, and if you see more alarming signs, please do not waste our precious years. You are still young. You have a chance to find true happiness. Do not waste your precious life with a guy who does not deserve your love.
  
  Warm hug and lots of strength,
  Maria
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• |2009-10-21 21:45:42 bluebird
  I agree. You should not waste your life with this guy. He is not worthy of you. Get out while you still can!
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