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Dear Maria, My husband cheated on me, feels like my world is falling apart... I feel so depressed. He cheated on me for a period of one year. He has apologized and wants to continue our marriage. I still love my husband very much, but I do not know if I am ever going to be able to forget what happened. I cannot have sex with him anymore, if he touches me I am just thinking he was touching another woman like that and I start to feel sick. I cannot trust him when he says he loves me. Before I felt we had something unique between us, but now I can no longer believe it because he was able to be with another woman for so long and lying to me in the same time. He was making love to both of us at the same time. The thought of it makes me sick. I feel I cannot continue life with my husband, but the thought of living without him is crushing me. We have been together for several years but we have no children. Some of my friends say that it is easy for me to leave since I am young and have no children with this man, but I feel those facts do not make it any easier to make the big decision and leave him. It would be easier if he left me, but in the same time I feel it might be better for my self-esteem to make that decision myself, so that I would not feel so "used" afterward. I do not know what to do. I think about that other woman every day. I am crying every day, I cannot concentrate on work, I cannot smile, my friends say I look so stressed and depressed. I cannot continue like this, but I do not know where to go from here. How can one get over something like this? Rain Dear Rain,
Thank you for your letter. There is a clear evolutionary basis for your feelings. If what you are feeling now would not have been beneficial for human beings throughout the course of the evolution, evolution would have "gotten rid of" that kind of feelings long time ago. Keep this in mind: What you are feeling right now is as normal reaction as the swelling of the skin after a mosquito bite. Do not try to fight it, instead accept it as a natural thing. This kind of an attitude will help you tremendously. Give yourself a permission to be a normal human being, who experiences normal emotions. Also remember that it is not your fault that you feel like this now, it is due to something your husband did.
Your healing process will be faster if you integrate the following points into your thinking: 1. You are a unique individual The mere fact that you exist on this planet is fantastic! There is no other person on the planet who is exactly like you. No one thinks and feels the way you do. You are special! Give yourself a value as a wonderful human being you are. No matter how tall or short, how fat or slim, how educated, how rich or how poor you are... You are unique, one of a kind! Embrace that fact and love yourself! Go in front of the mirror and say: I love this person, I love Me! 2. You are not dependent on anyone You are not dependent on your husband. You are an independent creature. Whatever your husband does in his own life does not change the fact that you are special, the center point of your life. Learn to think that your husband is nothing more than a small piece in the Big Picture of your life. Of course your husband is significant part of your life in that sense that he is part of your everyday life, but that is all. In the end your husband is just a side figure, a supporting actor in the Play of your life. YOU are the center piece. Think of this as an interesting scientific experiment. It is completely normal that you react like you do, as normal as it is to feel the pain if you accidentally place your hand on a hot stove. You do not want to put your hand on a hot stove, so why would you want to keep on thinking about unpleasant things related to the memory of cheating and betrayal constantly, and by doing so cause yourself more pain? Imagine that you are a child again and you have to learn to avoid “bad things” like putting a hand on a hot stove. This time “the bad thing” is certain kinds of thoughts. Learn to stop those thoughts before they enter your mind. This experience you are now going through will help you grow as a human being and makes your future life much easier and more enjoyable! 3. Detach yourself from your husband This method is optional. You do not have to do this, if you do not feel comfortable with it. But many have found this method to be very useful in terms of getting rid of the mental pain after finding out about cheating or betrayal. You are feeling the pain because you are strongly in love with your husband, who has now with his behavior revealed that he does not love you as much as you love him (if your husband would love you purely, he would not have gotten into a long lasting affair and hide it from you). You had an illusion of pure love which is now broken, and that is why you are feeling hurt. Something very precious has been taken away from you. You feel angry when you look at your husband, you cannot stand his touch, but in the same time you do not want to leave your husband, because that would cause you even greater pain (or so you think). Think about this for a moment: What if you did not love your husband? When the love ends in a relationship, whatever your spouse does becomes more or less insignificant to you. If you have truly gotten over your ex-boyfriend, you do not feel hurt when you hear that he has a new girlfriend. Why would you? You are no longer in love with your ex boyfriend, you are not relying on him or planning a future together with him. Love and hate are very closely related. If you love someone and that person hurts you, you feel hatred towards that person, but only because he or she was such a significant person to you. If your spouse was not important to you, you could not care less about what he or she does. When you do this, how does it make you feel? Does the pain go away, even a little bit? If so, good. Allow yourself to think that you do not love your husband so much, that your life will definitely not be crushed if your husband would leave you. It is YOU who has chosen to spend time with this person and even share your life with him, not other way around, and you have truly enjoyed those moments you have shared together. But you are not dependent on your husband. You do not love him THAT much! Yes, you like your husband as a person, you even love him, but you do not love him desperately. Play around a bit with these ideas and see how you feel. I believe you feel stronger thinking this way. Some might think that "killing one’s love" like this is a bad mistake, that it would be better just simply to separate if things have gotten to that point where one must “kill” one’s feelings. But that is not completely true. By thinking this way, you will become a stronger person in your relationship after something as tragic as cheating has taken place. If your husband is doing things which are making you feel uncomfortable and sad, make a conscious choice to love your husband less during those moments, and you shall not be so much hurt. Observe neutrally as an outsider how you feel toward your husband, how you feel being around him. You may still enjoy his company enough to want to stay with him, or you may see your husband in a new light, without the distortion of rose-red lenses. You may start to feel your husband is not the kind of a person who deserves your affection and your love. Try to think of your husband this way very neutrally, observing him as an outsider for a while, and see how you really feel about him. Give it a try, you got nothing to lose! 4. Do not be afraid to lose
This is maybe the most important point. If you can learn this, nothing in this life can get to you. The reason why we feel bad when we think our spouse is being intimate with another person is because that might mean our spouse might love someone else more than us and as a consequence our spouse might leave us. This is what you are afraid of. Everything boils down to the fact that you do not want your life to change, you want to keep your spouse and your life with him intact and you become afraid if something is threatening this scenario. The horrible feeling you get when you think about someone touching your spouse and your spouse touching that person is basically fear, even thought you may not immediately recognize it as fear. If you are prepared to lose things in life, your pain will not be so devastating when the moment comes and you must let go of something that has been precious to you. - Maria
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Stories - Cheating 
It all started when i was hospitalized with my seven month baby boy. I gave birth to our son in November 18 2009. Nobody told me nothing at the time. Only after 3 months my friend came to tell me how my best friend got drunk and slept over IN MY HOUSE IN MY BED. HOW HE AND THAT B***H DARE.
I FEEL BETRAYED, ANGRY, I DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL. I COULD KILL THEM BOTH IF I COULD. HE IS DENYING THE WHOLE THING. I BEGGED HIM BE A MAN AND TELL ME THE TRUTH. HE IS MAKING A LOT OF MISTAKES WITH HIS AFFAIR BUT IS DENYING EVERYTHING. IF I CONFRONT HIM HE TELLS ME I AM MAD AND I AM PARANOID.
I JUST CRY AND CRY AND DECIDED TO GIVE THIS WHOLE PROBLEM TO GOD TO FIX. HOPE SOMEBODY WILL REPLY TO MY LETTER.
EDITH