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Hi Maria, I've been browsing through the internet to search for advice for my situation and I found you. I've read through your website and I really like it. I am currently going through a situation and would appreciate your help. English is not my first language... So please forgive me if there are some grammatical errors. I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. Our relationship is very good and I can say there are no problems between us at all. We planned to get married on March 2010. My story began two weeks ago when I went through my boyfriend's email. This is an email account that he rarely uses. I found out that he cheated on me with a prostitute for a BJ back in March 2009. I confronted him on the same night and he kept on saying he didn't do it until I pulled out the evidence. The first reason he gave me was that I hate having sex/BJ with him and he is very depressed. I admit that I don't have sex with him often and I set a lot of restrictions, ie: only on weekend, it must be quick, and I also told him I hate it. I also rejected his requests very often. During that time period he was unemployed for 9 months, he stayed home all day long and I worked 9 to 5. I was pissed that he couldn't find a job and got sometimes frustrated. After our fight, he said the reason he went for a prostitute is because he was curious ... He said he is very curious of what those girls look like. I also noticed that during that period of time he was addicted to porn sites. I thought it was normal. He begs me not to leave him and he says he truly loves me. He said he is now employed and he has lot's of goals he wants to accomplish with me. He promised he will never do it again. I can see he is working hard to earn more money for our future and the new house and also working on the trust. The first moment I found out he had cheated on me... my heart was totally broken down. I can't explain the feeling AT ALL. I thought we loved each other so much and that we are a perfect couple. I am now trying to rebuild our trust but it is very hard. I want to trust my boyfriend but my heart always brings me to a dead end. I am afraid he will do it again and he will do a better job hiding it. On the other hand, I can feel he is working towards our future, but somehow my mind always has lot's of random thoughts about him cheating on me again. I really want to know the real reason why he went for a prostitute, if he loves me... Why did he have to do this to me? Does he know what love / respect is? I understand that if I choose to forgive him, I must keep my words.... But I am so afraid, especially because we planned to get married. My apologies for writing this long email.... But this is the only place I could express this and get help. Thank you! Heart-Broken __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview. __________ Dear Friend, Thank you for your email and for your positive feedback regarding my website, I am happy if you have found it to be helpful for you! I am sorry that you had to find out your boyfriend cheated on you, especially when you are planning to get married soon. Dear Friend, I know so well the pain you are feeling. You are at the very early state of processing this matter, you wrote you found out about cheating only couple weeks ago. It takes a while for the news like this to sink in. Only after that the recovery can begin.
The length of the recovery period after cheating depends on several factors. It is easier to recover from cheating if the relationship is in a good shape otherwise. Based on your letter it sounds like things have been fine between the two of you before cheating happened. That is a good basis to start to rebuild the trust. I recommend you to read this article of Controlling Emotions to learn how the brain is reacting to cheating and betrayal. If you wish to read more about the recovery process after cheating, visit page Recovery after Cheating.  Dear Friend, I do understand the extent of your pain. Let me now give you some feedback regarding your situation. First about your boyfriend watching porn: You said in your email that you thought this was rather normal. You are right, many men watch porn and that does not mean they would love their girlfriends or wives any less. They would not want to exchange their girlfriends to those women they see in porn magazines and sites. Those women are simply providing visual stimuli which is often more important for a man when compared to a woman.
Those men who watch porn do not want to start dating a porn star or a prostitute. Your boyfriend cheated on you with a prostitute. That is of course wrong. However, it would be worse if your boyfriend had a long-lasting secret romantic relationship with another woman and he was in love with her. If that was the case, I believe your pain would be even stronger. You know that your boyfriend was not in love with that prostitute. Nevertheless, of course what he did was wrong, I am not trying to defend your boyfriend by saying this. Your boyfriend does not want to break up with you. That shows your boyfriend really appreciates and loves you very much. You were wondering why your boyfriend cheated on you with a prostitute if he loves you. It is clear that what your boyfriend did was wrong. But I can try to help you to understand why your boyfriend went to see a prostitute. Perhaps it helps you to forgive him. Often in a relationship sex is more important for a man than for a woman (obs. I am not saying this is always the case, but statistically this seems to be true). If a woman is not willing to have sex as often as a man would like, a man can get very frustrated. He might even start to wonder if there is something wrong with him. You said you do not like sex very much and that you have also told it to your boyfriend. Dear Friend, I am not blaming you for not liking sex. We all have the right to choose to live as we feel comfortable regarding these matters. But the fact is that often men feel they need sex more than women in a relationship. It does not sound like your boyfriend wanted to cheat on you, it sounds like he was doing this for the reasons he told you: Because he was being curious and wanted to try things that you were not willing to do.
 Of course this does not give your boyfriend moral right to cheat on you. Again I want to emphasize that what he did was wrong. You and your boyfriend had an agreement that you are not having sex with others and you trusted him. When your boyfriend had sex with another woman he betrayed your trust. I am not saying any of these things in order to defend him. But you wanted to understand why your boyfriend went to see a prostitute and I am trying to make you see his side.
I believe your boyfriend did not want to hurt you and risk his relationship with you. I believe it was only sex for him, and that is why your boyfriend did not think he was doing anything that horrible to you (he was not going to leave you for that prostitute). But still of course it was wrong to cheat on you. However, please remember that your boyfriend is telling you he loves you and he never intended to leave you. If I were you, I would give him a chance to prove his love with his behavior in the future.
It will usually take 1-2 years for the complete trust to return after cheating. If your boyfriend truly loves you, he is going to do everything he can to help you to regain the trust. However, it will be very difficult for you to trust your boyfriend in the near future. That is something you simply have to accept. You will be tempted to look into your boyfriend's email and you will be very suspicious of him for some time. I believe that your boyfriend is not going to do anything to betray you at list for some time. I believe this was as big of a shock for him as it was for you. Your boyfriend was in danger of losing you. I am sure that is not what he wants, based on your email. So I believe your boyfriend is not going to go to see any prostitute in the near future. What happens in a long run is more difficult to predict. It can be that your boyfriend will have a temptation to do that again one day. There is no way one can predict what will happen. If your boyfriend feels that his physical needs are not satisfied at home, he might feel tempted to go to see a prostitute again. On the other hand you should not have sex with your boyfriend more frequently than you feel comfortable only to keep him satisfied, if sex with him is unpleasant for you. You are facing a dilemma here and you must try to solve it somehow.
You said you have given your boyfriend rules as to what one can and cannot do in regard of sex. Dear Friend, I am not blaming you for doing this. If you do not feel comfortable doing something, the last thing you should do is to do that thing to please someone. You have the right to refrain from doing the things you do not like. However, if you really love your boyfriend, perhaps you could try to teach yourself to enjoy sex with him just a little bit more? If you do that, you can feel more relaxed when you know that your boyfriend does not need to go elsewhere to look for sex. If your views of sex in a relationship are very different (if you do not want to have sex often and have many restrictions, and he on the other hand wants to have sex often and without restrictions), that is going to cause problems in a long run. You should try to find a compromise that is satisfying to you both. Relationships are all about compromises, in that sense this matter is no different from any other problem a couple might face.  Regarding the marriage, do not make any decisions about it right now. You are still in the state of shock after you found out about cheating. You must let some more time pass. Wait at list until January before making any decisions. See how your feelings towards your boyfriend will develop. As I said, I do not believe your boyfriend is going to go to see a prostitute again any time soon. Your boyfriend does not love those women, he loves you and does not want to risk his relationship with you.
If you wish to have a stronger guarantee that your boyfriend will not go to see a prostitute in future, please consider trying to teach yourself to enjoy sex with him a bit more, so that he would not feel unsatisfied in the relationship. If you love your boyfriend strongly and want to stay with him, that is a small price to pay for your peace of mind (you would not have to worry so much about your boyfriend going to see a prostitute). But again let me emphasize this: Do not have more sex with your boyfriend if it feels very unpleasant to you. If that is the case, you should ask yourself how strongly you love your boyfriend and is is perhaps something in him that makes you reluctant to have sex. Dear Friend, I wish you do not feel insulted by anything I have said here. Please remember that I am on your side. I am not saying you should do things you do not want to do (have more sex with your boyfriend). I am only telling you my view as to how you can try to make sure your boyfriend does not have the desire to do these things again in the future. I believe your boyfriend has a strong will to stay with you, based on your email I believe he really loves you. Your boyfriend has not had a secret romantic relationship with another woman. He was not in love with that prostitute. Your boyfriend is in love with you. That is the most important thing. If I were you, I would give him a chance. I would try to learn to trust him again. Your boyfriend knows how much his cheating has hurt you. I am sure he will not do this kind of a thing easily again. It sounds like your boyfriend really wants to stay with you and he does not want to make you unhappy. He knows that if he cheats on you again, it will break your heart and you will most likely leave him. I believe he does not want to take that risk. Dear Friend, please feel free to write back to me any time you want. You do not have to go through this alone. I am here for you and I will do everything I can to help you get through this. If you are having a difficult moment, please write to me. You can read more about the healing process after cheating from page Recovery after Cheating. Warm hug,
- Maria If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click
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Stories - Cheating 
I understand what you're going through as far as cheating. My ex-boyfriend cheated on me for the last 3 months we lived together. During those 3 months we were not having sex except for maybe once or twice. I did not like sex anymore because of all the emotional (& sometimes physical) abuse. I couldn't open my heart to him anymore because so much damage had been done. Please ask yourself, have you always disliked sex with him or is it a result of relationship problems? That may help. I wish you the best of luck and I hope everything turns out the way you want it to.
Take care,
Michelle