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Hi Maria,
I've been browsing through the internet to search for advice for my situation and I found you. I've read through your website and I really like it. I am currently going through a situation and would appreciate your help. English is not my first language... So please forgive me if there are some grammatical errors.
I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. Our relationship is very good and I can say there are no problems between us at all. We planned to get married on March 2010. My story began two weeks ago when I went through my boyfriend's email. This is an email account that he rarely uses. I found out that he cheated on me with a prostitute for a BJ back in March 2009. I confronted him on the same night and he kept on saying he didn't do it until I pulled out the evidence.
The first reason he gave me was that I hate having sex/BJ with him and he is very depressed. I admit that I don't have sex with him often and I set a lot of restrictions, ie: only on weekend, it must be quick, and I also told him I hate it. I also rejected his requests very often. During that time period he was unemployed for 9 months, he stayed home all day long and I worked 9 to 5. I was pissed that he couldn't find a job and got sometimes frustrated. After our fight, he said the reason he went for a prostitute is because he was curious ... He said he is very curious of what those girls look like. I also noticed that during that period of time he was addicted to porn sites. I thought it was normal. (Click the link below to read the rest of this story).
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email and for your positive feedback regarding my website, I am happy if you have found it to be helpful for you! I am sorry that you had to find out your boyfriend cheated on you, especially when you are planning to get married soon. Dear Friend, I know so well the pain you are feeling. You are at the very early state of processing this matter, you wrote you found out about cheating only couple weeks ago. It takes a while for the news like this to sink in. Only after that the recovery can begin.
The length of the recovery period after cheating depends on several factors. It is easier to recover from cheating if the relationship is in a good shape otherwise. Based on your letter it sounds like things have been fine between the two of you before cheating happened. That is a good basis to start to rebuild the trust. I recommend you to read this article of Controlling Emotions to learn how the brain is reacting to cheating and betrayal. If you wish to read more about the recovery process after cheating, visit page Recovery after Cheating.
 Dear Friend, I do understand the extent of your pain. Let me now give you some feedback regarding your situation. First about your boyfriend watching porn: You said in your email that you thought this was rather normal. You are right, many men watch porn and that does not mean they would love their girlfriends or wives any less. They would not want to exchange their girlfriends to those women they see in porn magazines and sites. Those women are simply providing visual stimuli which is often more important for a man when compared to a woman.
Those men who watch porn do not want to start dating a porn star or a prostitute. Your boyfriend cheated on you with a prostitute. That is of course wrong. However, it would be worse if your boyfriend had a long-lasting secret romantic relationship with another woman and he was in love with her. If that was the case, I believe your pain would be even stronger. You know that your boyfriend was not in love with that prostitute. Nevertheless, of course what he did was wrong, I am not trying to defend your boyfriend by saying this.
Your boyfriend does not want to break up with you. That shows your boyfriend really appreciates and loves you very much. You were wondering why your boyfriend cheated on you with a prostitute if he loves you. It is clear that what your boyfriend did was wrong. But I can try to help you to understand why your boyfriend went to see a prostitute. Perhaps it helps you to forgive him.
Often in a relationship sex is more important for a man than for a woman (obs. I am not saying this is always the case, but statistically this seems to be true). If a woman is not willing to have sex as often as a man would like, a man can get very frustrated. He might even start to wonder if there is something wrong with him. You said you do not like sex very much and that you have also told it to your boyfriend.
Dear Friend, I am not blaming you for not liking sex. We all have the right to choose to live as we feel comfortable regarding these matters. But the fact is that often men feel they need sex more than women in a relationship. It does not sound like your boyfriend wanted to cheat on you, it sounds like he was doing this for the reasons he told you: Because he was being curious and wanted to try things that you were not willing to do.
Of course this does not give your boyfriend moral right to cheat on you. Again I want to emphasize that what he did was wrong. You and your boyfriend had an agreement that you are not having sex with others and you trusted him. When your boyfriend had sex with another woman he betrayed your trust. I am not saying any of these things in order to defend him. But you wanted to understand why your boyfriend went to see a prostitute and I am trying to make you see his side. Next, let us discuss how you can recover from what has happened and regain your trust in your boyfriend if you decide to stay with him. (Click the link below to read the rest of this reply).
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Dear Friend, please feel free to write back to me any time you wish. You do not have to go through this alone. I am here for you and I will do everything I can to help you get through this. If you are having a difficult moment, please write to me. You can read more about the healing process after cheating from page Recovery after Cheating.
Warm hug,
- Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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