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Hi Maria, Thank you for supporting me through my tough time. I would like to apologize in advance for this long email… Sorry. My update: He is now trying to make me feel more secure by giving me his wages every time he gets paid. He also lets me take the car to work so I am picking him up and dropping him off everyday. Whenever he sees me being quiet, he will ask me if I am unhappy … Then he will say “I will never do it again and please forget the past." (I told him i hate hearing him to tell me to forget the past because I couldn't at this stage, and he stopped.) We are having more sex now (more than he wants it) which I am comfortable with. I really don’t know if this is because I am afraid to lose him or other reasons, but I did went online to learn more about it. My mood swings a lot... Sometimes I feel he is forgivable but sometimes not. When I am alone, I will start crying and all of the bad images (see below) come out and I'll choose to give him up. I really don't know if I could move on because there are still so many questions in my head and I think he is telling me lies to make me feel more comfortable (see below). I believe I am currently in Phase 3 of your recovery process but i didn't experience the "honeymoon" stage. Whenever I tried to think about our happy moments, the scene of him going to see and messaging the prostitute pops up. Should I share these feelings with him? I am trying to show him I am appreciating his hard work as he said he wants to work this out together. He said he will use his actions to show me how much he loves me and will never cheat on me again. I am trying my best to hide my emotions in front of him so I won't discourage him. Am I doing the correct thing? What am I suppose to do? I have been reading a lot of materials on how to build a successful relationship and avoid cheating. I am trying to work on it whenever I am in a right mood. It includes appreciating him more, communications, etc... Is it too early to get into it? I read one of the cheating stories on your website called "Cheating Husband". She married a man that cheated on her but she forgave him... 4.5 years later that man cheated again. Now the woman has to consider if she is going to stay with her husband for the sake of the child or leave. I am very scared and confused now... There are 2 voices in my head, one saying "move on and we could build an even better relationship and I trust that he loves me". Another voice is saying "0nce a cheater, always a cheater". Below is the detail of the incident of what I know and which makes me feel very uncomfortable all the time. The day he went for the “BJ (blowjob) service” was last spring. The girl send him a follow-up email the same night after the BJ service and my boyfriend replied “I really liked it.” And he asked her if she provided ML (make love) service. The girl replied with a price list. My boyfriend replied and asked her to see if it can be cheaper. The girl said she can give him discount but won't be available until next month. Then my boyfriend sent her another email saying “I missed you so much… We don’t have to be in client/customer relations… We could be friends... You're very pretty...” (These messages made me very uncomfortable but I've to tell myself he is just playing around.) The girl replied couple weeks later and said her service will be terminated and will resume in August. On the same day my boyfriend replied and said he will contact her asap to let her know the next date he will be visiting, but he didn’t send her any message after that. The girl did send him a follow-up email in August telling him her service has been resumed, but my boyfriend didn’t reply (August was the month we bought our new house). I asked my boyfriend “Were you trying to develop a “relationship” with that girl? Can you please tell me the truth?”. He answered and said “It’s only email... I was just trying to see how she will respond and what are those girls thinking. I do not intend to develop any relationship with them. Absolutely not.” - But I think his intention was to get a better deal for the ML service so that he could try it out. Same morning when my boyfriend got the last message from that girl, he did send other messages to different girls (service providers) for pictures and be friends. But that is the last day of all messages. That was the day we went to purchase our new car. His attention went to the new car as he loves modifying it and then he got employed after months of unemployment. I believe everything is back on track for him after he got employed (I assume). I’m trying to put the whole story together to make myself more comfortable so that I could forgive him easier and the following questions always bother me: 1. He said he regret after his first visit... How come he keeps on emailing her and other girls for price, picture, & be friends? This is very contradicting and I can't get myself to trust him that he regrets. This makes it harder for me to forgive him. 2. If the price of the ML service was cheaper, he would have gone to try it without feelings of guilt, regret or remorse. So is he truly feeling sorry? I understand I should let go of the past... But I just couldn't feel he regrets / feels remorse since he wanted to get another service after the first one. I asked him why he wanted to get a better price for ML service and he said he just wanted to know the price. But deep in my heart I believe the truth is - if the cost of the ML service was lower... He probably went for ML. On the other hand I think the reason he didn't tell me the truth is that he does not want to hurt me more by saying he really wanted to try out the ML service if he got a discount.
He said he learned a lesson out of this incident and he could not afford to lose me. He always tells me that he loves me so much... But in my mind I reply him saying "Such a big lie... If you love me -- You won't cheat on me."
I am very confused now... I am stuck but at the same time I am trying to move on. But the details (his intention) of the incident bother me and are blocking me from moving on, especially if I think about our marriage. The right side of my brain asks me to forgive, saying that we can have stronger relationship in the future... But the left side of my brain is telling me I am taking a risk if I marry him.
Is there anything my boyfriend could do to heal me? If so, should I tell him what to do or does it have to come from his heart? I really want him to understand my feelings by reading books, etc and learn how to work this out with me. I've already told him that I need reassurance at all time and he is doing it... but if I am giving him every single instruction, is it still meaningful?
Thank you so much again! Heart-Broken __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. __________ To read the previous message from this writer, please visit page Boyfriend cheated on me with a prostitute - How can I forgive and recover? Dear Friend, Thank you for sending your update. I read it and it evoke many thoughts.
First of all let me say that it is totally normal that the unpleasant memories pop up in your mind unexpectedly. That is what happens during the first few weeks / months after finding out about cheating. If you feel your boyfriend is an understanding person, perhaps it is not a bad idea to share your feelings with him. Your boyfriend should not get upset if you say that you love him and wish to be with him, but that it is very hard for you to get rid of these unpleasant memories.  If you can, perhaps you should let your boyfriend read some material regarding how long it takes for a person to get over cheating and betrayal. It usually takes 1-2 years to completely get over cheating. During this time your boyfriend needs to be very supportive and not to lie again. It might be good that your boyfriend sees some written material regarding the recovery process so that he knows you are not simply "stuck" with something but that your reactions are totally natural after being betrayed.
It is good that your boyfriend knows how you feel, in that sense it might be a good idea to tell him. But do not elaborate on same topic every day or he will soon get tired of it, wondering if that is the way it is going to be for 1-2 years or perhaps forever. You know the personality of your boyfriend, so you must be the one to decide whether to tell him about your feelings or not. As I said, it might be a good idea.
You said you read the story "Cheating Husband" on my website and now you are wondering if it is worth it to stay, because "once a cheater, always a cheater" might be true. It is not always certain that a person who cheats once will cheat again. But of course the risk might be bigger than in case of a person who has never cheated. However, many people cheat one time and after seeing how much pain they are causing the other person by doing it, they will never do it again. It is impossible to say at this early stage to which category your boyfriend belongs to. Only time will tell that.
You said your boyfriend wrote to that girl: “I missed you so much … we don’t have to be in client/customer relations…we could be friends.. you're very pretty...”. I can understand that this hurts you. I would hurt tremendously if I would read something like that, written by my boyfriend, and to a girl who I would know he has had sexual involvement with. I understand you now so much better after hearing these details of your situation. I do not know what your boyfriend was thinking when he wrote that, but I believe he wanted to have some kind of a contact with that girl. I am very sorry to say this, I do not mean to make you feel bad. But it is good to face the facts. This does not mean your boyfriend would have wanted to exchange you to that girl, but definitely he was being curious and wanted to get to know her better. I also agree with you that your boyfriend was interested in getting a ML service, why would he ask about it otherwise. His explanation of only wanting to know the prices does not sound reliable. In a way it sounds like your boyfriend is underestimating your intelligence when he thinks you could believe such an explanation.  On the other hand, you wrote that ".. my boyfriend did send other messages to different girls (service provider) for pictures and be friends". This sounds like your boyfriend was not interested in that one girl in particular but wanted to know also other girls who were doing that kind of a job. That makes me feel he was not looking for any serious involvement when he wrote his email to that one girl, wanting to be friends. But it is very difficult to tell.
Whatever the truth is, the fact is that your boyfriend was being curious about those girls and wanted to get close to them. You must decide if you can live with a person who you know has been interested in such things. As I said, there is no guarantee your boyfriend will not do this again. However, he now knows how bad you felt due to this and he saw he was in danger of losing you. It can be that he will never take such a risk again. But as you said, if your boyfriend does this again, he might hide his tracks better. You must explore your feelings and see if you can bring yourself to trust your boyfriend again. If you cannot trust, your life will be miserable with him. I know it is almost impossible for you to trust your boyfriend at this moment, you need more time to recover from this. That is why I said please do not make any decisions regarding your future right now. Let some time pass and see how you feel then. When your feelings have cleared up a bit, I believe you will know in your heart (you will have a "gut feeling") if your boyfriend has a generally reliable personality or if he has a personality that would allow him to cheat on you again, even though he knows how much it hurts you.
You said these two points bother you the most: 1. My boyfriend said he regret after his first visit... How come he keeps on emailing her and other girls for price, picture, & be friends? This is very contradicting and I can't get myself to trust him that he regrets. This makes it harder for me to forgive him. 2. If the price of the ML service was cheaper, my boyfriend would have gone to try it without feelings of guilt, regret or remorse. So is he truly feeling sorry? My opinion regarding these points is:
1. Yes, you are right. I do no think your boyfriend regret it. But I believe you might also be right when you say that you think be is lying about this in order not to hurt you. That would be natural thing to do. It seems clear that your boyfriend does not want to lose you. That is why he is lying regarding this matter. If your boyfriend was not sorry about going to prostitute last spring, I believe he is sorry now for doing it, after seeing all the trouble it has brought him.
2. I think yes, if it was cheaper, your boyfriend would have tried it. As I said above, I think he lied about this in order not to hurt you.
You also wrote: "He said he learned a lesson and he could not afford to lose me. He always tells me that he loves me so much ... but in my mind I reply to him by saying "Such a big lie...if you love me -- you won't cheat on me."
 I believe your boyfriend means what he says, I believe he has realized what he did was wrong. As I said, it sounds like your boyfriend really wants to be with you. It is easier for men to think of sex as only sex. Women often bring emotions into that picture and that makes it more difficult for them to understand that men can sometimes just want to have sex with someone, simply for physical pleasure, without any emotions attached (please note that I am NOT saying it is ok for a man to cheat for this reason, absolutely not). I believe you are right when you said that your boyfriend was bored and frustrated due to being unemployed and once he got new things into his life (car, new house etc), he was no longer interested in the services of these prostitutes. He was not emotionally attracted to those women, it was a mere physical attraction. I think you should give yourself some time before deciding about the marriage. Also tell this to your boyfriend. If your boyfriend loves you, he will be patient and will give you some time to heal. You asked how your boyfriend can help you to heal. I believe you would feel better if you would tell your boyfriend honestly how you feel. Tell him that you do not want to be with any other man than him, that you love him (it is very important to tell him clearly that you love him and you do not wish to end the relationship), but that you need some time to heal, and during that time it is not good to plan the wedding. If he truly loves you, he will understand. It is too much to ask that you should be happily planning the wedding after something like this. You will not be fully recovered by march. You will still remember these things. It is not your fault that this happened, it is his fault. So please do not feel guilty if you postpone the wedding.
You do not need to tell the real reason to any outsider as to why you are postponing the wedding. I can understand that your boyfriend might feel insulted if you change the date of the wedding, but in this matter you must be selfish. Your boyfriend has no right to be insulted if you change the date of the wedding after what he put you through. You are suffering tremendously due to the actions of your boyfriend. You are thinking about these painful thoughts on daily basis. Your boyfriend must give you all the time you need to get over this and to heal. You must explain the situation to him. If he loves you, he will understand.
 Sometimes men do not know on their own how to help a woman to get over something like this. Men often deal with their mental pain alone and quietly (opposite to women to whom it is often easier to discuss even painful things with their friends), so it can be that your boyfriend does not know what to say and do to help you to recover unless you tell him. So it is ok to tell your boyfriend these things and show him how he can help you to heal your heart. However, you should not tell him all the time what to do. Tell him once or twice how he can ease your pain and help you to recover the trust, but after that he should remember to keep saying or doing helpful things on his own (by "things" I mean emotional support to you, reassurance of his love and that he is trustworthy and that he is not going to do these things again etc). If you always have to point out to him the moment when he should say or do something supportive, then the effect of that supportive act will disappear. Your boyfriend should be able to say and do those things on his own most of the time. I believe you will feel better after explaining the situation and your emotions to your boyfriend. Do not hide your emotions, but also remember not to talk about this matter every single day, that is too much. Also, do not shout to your boyfriend or blame him constantly, that is not a constructive way to solve this problem. Your boyfriend already knows he did wrong. You can tell him in a civilized way (without shouting) how bad you feel inside and that you need time to heal. Your boyfriend can help you by reassuring you of his emotions. I do not think it will help if you ask him to show his emails to you or anything like that. If you do that, he will only start to keep his private things elsewhere.
You must choose whether you think you can trust your boyfriend again and whether you want to give him another chance. If you decide to give another chance, then try to learn to let go of your doubts, and try to have a good relationship with your boyfriend. If you are constantly doubting your boyfriend and anticipating cheating, you will be unhappy and that is making your boyfriend unhappy too, giving bad prospect for your relationship. If you decide to trust, you should be able to forgive him in your heart for what he has done.
Thank you for sending your update, I was very glad to hear from you! Please stay in touch. Warm hug,
- Maria Dear Reader, if you would like to comment on this story, please leave your message below to "comments" section. If you wish to read more about the ways to recover after cheating and betrayal, please visit page Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism. If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click
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