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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. 

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Dear Friend,

I am sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I know exactly how you are feeling. You feel you love your husband strongly and you want to believe him when he says he loves you, but a voice inside you is telling you not to trust him, because he has already betrayed you once in past. Have you read this article of different phases one must go through in order to recover after cheating: How to get over cheating? It is hard to get over cheating first time when it happens. It is possible to learn to trust again after cheating has occurred, if the cheating spouse is genuinely sorry and is willing to work in order to restore the trust. This usually takes 1-2 years. To read more about the ways to recover after cheating, visit page Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism.

However, if cheating occurs again, the consequences are a lot worse. The trust gets broken again and it is very hard to restore it second time. It takes several years of hard work and commitment to restore the trust after second betrayal. This is the reason why many people end up having a divorce if cheating occurs again. It is very stressful to live with a person one cannot trust fully. Many people simply give up, they do not want to live in constant doubt and insecurity, and who could blame them?

Please do not understand me wrong, I am not saying your only option is to end the relationship. But I do wish to be very frank with you: If you decide to stay and try to restore the trust after this second betrayal, it will be more difficult than during the first time. It may be that you are never able to trust your husband fully. If you can accept the fact that you may never be able to trust your husband completely and if you can live with that, you have a chance to have a fairly good life with your husband. You alone know if you are the kind of a person who can live that kind of life, with that kind of uncertainty. Most people feel they cannot and they end up leaving, or then they remain in their relationship, living an unhappy, stressed and nervous life, anticipating the cheating to reoccur. 

In a way it is the same situation as with death: We never know when we must part from our beloved ones, they might die unexpectedly, they might become terminally ill, they might leave us for someone else... These things can happen in life. If it does not happen to us, it can happen to our neighbor. Infidelity is so common in this world that it is not unexpected if we experience it in some form during our lives. This does not mean that it should not hurt if someone betrays us. It always hurts tremendously, especially if the person who lets us down is someone we love. We would not be humans if we did not feel hurt.

Now let me say some positive points regarding your situation. You said that your husband cheated on you second time in 2007 and according to him, the incident only lasted few minutes. Of course it is impossible for you to know the truth about the matter, and in the end the duration of the incident is irrelevant. You also cannot know if that happened more than one time. But let us assume that it did happen only one time. Even that is one time too much. It shows your husband was not able to control himself.

On the other hand, if your husband has not been cheating on you frequently after he promised not to do it again, that might indicate that he is really trying his best not to do it, unfortunately failing time to time. For many men sex can be totally separated from emotions. This can be difficult for many women to understand. Of course this difference between men and women does not make it "right" to cheat. Cheating is always wrong. But I agree with you and I also believe your husband means what he says when he tells you he loves you.

You wrote: "...He knew how much pain he caused last time and he swore he would never put me through that again". This is very important point, I am glad you brought this up. Your husband knew how much you would be hurt if he did this again, and yet he took the risk, knowing that you might find out and that your heart might be broken over it. I think the most important question you must ask yourself is not "can I trust my husband again" (even though that is also important question, it goes without saying) but instead "can I live with a person who does not care about my happiness enough, but puts his own personal desires above everything else"?

In the end of the day this is what counts: Is your husband a caring, loving companion who you can rely on and who is putting your happiness as a priority? Do you feel that you are important to your husband? You wrote that your relationship is lacking intimacy, and that you have been missing it. Clearly your relationship is not ideal. But on the other hand, what relationship is? We all have our flaws, nobody is perfect. The most important thing you must do is to ask yourself can you live with a person who you cannot trust fully. Even if your trust towards your husband would return with time, at list for couple years you would have to live with the feeling of uncertainty. You must ask yourself are you strong enough to do it.

You asked is there some logical explanation as to why your husband cheated. In many cases the reason is that the cheater simply wanted to do it. He wanted to experience the pleasure and since the opportunity presented itself, he acted on an impulse. I do not believe your husband wanted to hurt you. As I said, I believe he loves you. But your husband seems to be the kind of person who cannot put himself in your position and understand how badly his actions can hurt you. People cannot change their personality easily, that is why it is likely your husband is going to think the same way also in future. This does not mean your husband will cheat on you for sure. But it means there will always be that danger. If this was the first time he cheated, I would give a better benefit of a doubt regarding whether he might cheat again. But this was the second time he cheated after promising never to do it again. That increases the probability that cheating can occur again. That is a statistical fact. You must decide are you able to live with that knowledge and possibility.

Many people choose to stay in marriage in your situation. After spending so much time with one person that person feels so close that it is very difficult to leave him or her. You also have children. You must think about all these things carefully and then make your decision. You alone know yourself and know if you are strong enough to deal with uncertainty. Your husband might never do this again. But you can never be 100% sure.

On the other hand, who can be sure about anything in life? One can die tomorrow. Nothing is certain. But since your husband has already cheated on you twice, you cannot fool yourself to believe that he will never do it again with 100% certainty. You are aware of this because you are a smart person, and that awareness is causing you pain. It is good that you are thinking about these matters, much better than if you would decide to trust blindly and possibly get hurt again. After thinking about everything carefully, you can be confident that you have made the right decision, whatever your decision will be.

I recommend you to familiarize yourself with the articles on my website, they help you to deal with your negative emotions related to this matter. You can read more about the biological basis of the emotions and how to learn to deal with them from this page: Recovery after Cheating and Narcissism. Please feel free to write back to me anytime you want. I would be happy to help you to get over this difficult period in your life.

Warm hug,
- Maria

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