I Cheated on my Boyfriend - How Can I Get Him Back?

Home

Login

Main Menu

Latest - Jul, 2010

I just came by your website in search for some answers. I cheated on my boyfriend of 3 months. On Saturday, we went to a friend's 30th party and the drinking began around 3pm. We kept drinking and drinking and so by the time we got to the club, we were already drunk. But the drinking just continued. My boyfriend and I have been nothing but happy and I had absolutely no reason to have done what I did. But apparently, I was sitting next to my boyfriend and I turned around and kissed a random man. The worst part is that I did this in front of my boyfriend and some of his friends.

To be honest, I have absolutely no clue what would have come over me to have done that. On top of this, I hate that I actually cannot remember the very act of kissing this random man. My boyfriend left the club and went home, and in my drunken state, I somehow also managed to make my way home (we don't live together). I didn't have money for a taxi and I don't even remember that one of my housemates actually paid for the taxi.

About an hour later, my boyfriend had biked his way to my house and was trying to get answers for what I did. I honestly did not know what to say because I myself failed to understand what had happened, plus I was struggling to remember the very act. At first I kept denying the situation because I could not believe that I would have done such a thing to my boyfriend, because we have been nothing but happy from the very start of our relationship.

My boyfriend left my house because we couldn't get answers / solutions. And I couldn't sleep. I walked over to his dad's house thinking he might be there (his parents are divorced), but he wasn't. Instead his father saw me in this drunken state emotional because his son had saw me cheat, but I still was denying it (that maybe this guy kissed me but I didn't kiss him back). His father then helped me to drive me over to my boyfriend's mum's home.

We fought (and we were still drunk) and I still continued to deny it because I really was in disbelief over what had happened. I tried to wake up his friend to help support me because I really could not believe that I would have done something. His friend failed to help me because he was in a deep drunken sleep state and I was so upset that I hit him on the head.

Finally after my boyfriend actually explained what he had saw, I was in deep shock and didn't know what to say or how to explain my actions. I can't do anything now but accept that this kiss happened, but I don't know how to explain my actions. I have kept apologizing to my boyfriend, but of course he is still very much hurt and angry by my actions, and doesn't know how we could even continue with our relationship because he feels like I am not the same person anymore.

I'm still 23, while my boyfriend is 29. I am trying to figure out what I should do with this situation. I feel such pain and disgust towards myself because I am so in love with my boyfriend that I cannot believe I would do such a thing. I have apologized many many times because I am deeply sorry for what I have done and in an instant I would turn back time and change things.

Also, I am very afraid about how I will deal with his friends and family. It is going to be very difficult to face them again, because they would know what I have done to him. I feel like there will be some bullying from them and I am afraid that I might not be able to deal with it. I want to so much work things out with my boyfriend because I really am so in love with him. I see him in my future and want to spend the rest of my life with him, but this whole situation has just put a big damper in our relationship.

As much as I really want to be with him, I fear that he won't be able to forgive me and trust me again. How will my boyfriend and I be able to even fix this situation? How can I prove to him that he can trust me and we can work through this situation? Should I fight hard to prove myself to him or should I just accept that it will be over?

Please help me Maria.

Thank you for your time.

__________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

__________

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your email. First of all let me say to you that I definitely do not think you should simply let go of your relationship. This is after all a relatively small matter, even though I can understand it is making your boyfriend feel very uncomfortable. Please think about the situation this way: The "baseline" of your relationship is probably so good that this kind of a thing feels like the end of the world, even though there are lot worse things that can happen to people (affairs, abuse etc). This of course does not mean you or your boyfriend should not feel hurt over this. This is a huge thing for the two of you, and you have to deal with it in order to continue your relationship happily. I just wanted to say these things so that you could see your situation in a right perspective. Dear Friend, things could be a lot worse. If you and your boyfriend love each other, you will get over this.

Please do not be too hard on yourself and blame yourself of what happened. You said in your email that you were drunk and can hardly remember what happened. This does not mean what you did was not wrong towards your boyfriend. However, I believe you would never have done this if you were sober, right? You say you love your boyfriend from all your heart. That prevents you from doing something like this when you are in control of your actions. But when a person is under the influence of alcohol, one can do all sorts of strange things one would not normally do.

But even if your boyfriend understands it, it is still hard for him to get over this. One reason is because he most likely feels humiliated since this happened in front of your friends. In regard of his feeling of humiliation, it does not matter whether you knew what you were doing or not. Even if you did not mean to do it, what people around you saw was that you kissed another man. That is a huge blow to your boyfriend's ego. His feelings are very natural, anyone would feel like that in a similar situation.

Some people believe that when a person is drunk, a person is showing his or her "true nature". However, this assumption is not true. As I said above, one can do very strange things under the influence of alcohol and those things do not necessarily have anything to do with one's true personality. If your boyfriend believes your behavior tells something about your personality, it is harder for him to forgive this. Try to make your boyfriend understand that you were simply too drunk and due to that you did something stupid. The fact that you cannot even remember what happened should tell its own language to him.

You were wondering how you can get over this and regain your boyfriend's trust. If your boyfriend loves you strongly, his will to stay together with you should overcome his sense of pride. It is important that you say to your boyfriend clearly that you realize what you did was wrong and that you would never have done it if you were not so drunk. You can also ask your boyfriend if he has ever done anything that he regrets when he has been drunk. If he has, he should understand you even better.

You should also tell your boyfriend that since you realize you can do foolish things like this when you are drunk, for his sake you are willing to control your drinking from now on so that you will remain in control of your actions. It makes your boyfriend feel better when he sees you are coming up with real, concrete solutions which can prevent this from happening again. It shows him you are not taking this lightly but that you are truly sorry and wish to do everything you can to make it possible for the two of you to stay together.

In the end the outcome of this depends on the strength of the feeling between the two of you. If your boyfriend really loves you, he should understand that this unfortunate event does not mean you do not love him. You simply made a mistake. The most important thing is to learn from one's mistakes. Make your boyfriend see that you have learned from your mistake and that you are willing to do "sacrifices" (not to get so drunk again) for his sake, to prevent this from happening again.

If you feel comfortable doing it, you could show your boyfriend the letter you wrote to me and my response. That might help him to understand you better and to see that you truly love him and are willing to do everything you can to get over this unfortunate event. The most important thing for your boyfriend to understand is that this does NOT mean you do not love him. This kind of an unfortunate mistake can happen to anyone. You cannot even remember what you did. If your boyfriend is serious about this relationship, this kind of a thing should not be enough to cause the break up.

You have not been cheating on your boyfriend behind his back and you have not been lying to him. You have told him many times how sorry you are that this happened. You have done all you can. If your boyfriend leaves you over this, I do not think his feelings were so strong to begin with. Ask yourself could you leave your boyfriend over something like this, if he is truly sorry and promises to do all he can to prevent it from happening again? I think you would not want to let a person you love go away from you so easily.

If you wish to learn more about this topic and understand better your boyfriend's feelings regarding this matter, please visit page Recovery after Cheating. I really wish the two of you are able to work things out! Please write to me anytime you want. I wish to help you any way I can.

Warm hug,
- Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it