Hi Maria,

I was in a relationship for 3 years with a man who, until a couple of weeks ago, I regarded as the "perfect man" and I was engaged in the "perfect relationship."

You see, J was the first love in my life. We met on a random evening through mutual friends.. he was visiting from out of town for a few nights. That one night sparked a 3 year long affair in which J was on a personal level with me that I truly regarded him as family. Even when my siblings or parents trivially hurt me, J was the one person in the world that I knew I could share every detail with. I racked up credit card debt to travel to see him in his home town (I live in different city), and likewise, he would come visit me. Between the two of us traveling, we saw each other at least once a month. Being a student, when I came into some money with internships, I would fly him out to see me and spend money extravagantly on dinners and concerts for the two of us.

Unfortunately, J and I were of 2 different faiths and this posed some tension with our families. From the day my parents found out what had been going on, their trust in me immediately disappeared when they saw that I was lying to protect my relationship. My mother would spend nights crying when she would find out what had been going on between us; one day, I came home and she was in tears telling me she saw pictures of us kissing. My parents have dedicated their entire life to my betterment, and they only ask that I be a good, educated, middle-of-the-road woman who marries someone they approve of.

In my mind, I justified my secret relationship because of the stability we had. We could go through the worse nights, and J would be by my side every step of the way, even if it meant compromising his priorities. I thought that eventually my parents would see how dedicated we were to each other, and they would comply with the possibility of us getting married. I could see no other person I would rather spend my future with, even if it meant giving up some of my own personal cultural and religious values at the expensive of marrying someone who did not partake in my traditions.

About 7-8 months ago, J and I finally ended things, on a positive note, when we decided that the uphill battle was too much for us. It took a toll on my health (I put on about 25 pounds in 3 years), my finances, and my relationship with everyone in my family. We remained in contact, staying faithful to school and family, and continued to tell each other that we really loved each other. Eventually, I found out J had started talking to another female that he had met while we were together. She was of the same faith; naturally, this hurt me that he was involved with someone else, but I gave him nothing but my blessings even telling him that "she seemed like a nice girl."

About 2-3 weeks ago, I found out that while we were together, J had slept with 4-5 women on multiple occasions. I was angry, mad, and wanted revenge.. then I was sad that he had lied to me and didn't understand how he could live with himself. I stayed awake all night, sending messages to all my friends and sending on a mass email telling everyone what he had done.. and how he was not worthy of anyone's respect (everyone in my life put him on a pedestal). I even tagged 1 of the girls he had slept with.. because she had become a close friend of mine, and even traveled all the way from her town to my town to come stay with me. She slept in my bed, and I bent over backwards opening up my home to her. At that point, she had already slept with him.

J replied to my heartfelt non-confrontational email with a simple "sorry." He said he was sorry he hurt me, and blamed it on his immaturity. Then, he left it at that; he didn't even try to fight for me or console me as I wiped my tears in front of the computer every night, hoping that he would try to get in touch with me. For the first time in 3 years, I didn't even get a phone call from him on New Years Eve wishing me.. I can't tell even begin to tell you how I feel.

I am very depressed, and am shocked that someone I trusted so deeply and respected so highly could be nothing more than a liar. I need some advice on what to do to move on from him... I hate having a heavy heart. I feel like he gets to say sorry to me and return to his life, enjoying his relationship with a new woman. I feel like I am stuck here picking up my broken soul all by myself... and the 3 years I spent nurturing a relationship is nothing more than a shattered piece of glass hurting me inside. It kills me to think that he is OK, and I am very very depressed.

I appreciate your time.

__________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. 

__________

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your message. You have been going through very tough times during last 3 years (your family having difficulties accepting your boyfriend, long distance between the two of you, the break up and now finding out about the cheating). It is no wonder you feel depressed after all this. Dear Friend, your feelings regarding this matter are very natural.

You said you sent a mass email to all your friends telling what your ex boyfriend had done. I am not blaming you for doing it. Many people have done such things before you in similar situations and many people will do those things in the future. There are many mass emails like the one you sent being posted every day around the world, perhaps every hour. When one finds out one's partner has been cheating, one of the feelings this evokes is strong anger. One wants to make the other person hurt as much as one is hurting. That is the motivation for sending the mass email such as the one you sent. One wants to humiliate the cheater, to make him or her suffer too, in other words one wants revenge. 

Is it a good idea to seek revenge after being cheated on? It is true that revenge brings a momentary relief. It can even be that the feeling of satisfaction after the revenge will last long enough to carry one through the toughest times of the recovery process after being cheated on. But as you have seen, Dear Friend, in most cases the revenge does not take away the pain. Please let me repeat what I said earlier: I am NOT judging you because you sent the mass email. I think what you did was a natural reaction to your ex boyfriend's betrayal. Please remember this if you one day in the future feel sorry you sent the email or if some people (including your ex boyfriend) are making remarks about it. 

You said this man was your first love. That makes this even more difficult for you. Your feelings are very natural. If you did not feel the pain after being betrayed like this, there would be something wrong with you. It will help you to get over what has happened, when you teach yourself to take a new approach to this situation. Think of the pain you are feeling as a physiological response to any physical injury, such as stepping on a nail. You feel this pain because you have been mistreated. You need to be patient and let time take away the sharpest edge of the pain. Dear Friend, I have been where you are now, I know exactly how you feel. Trust me when I say this: You WILL get over this. To understand how the mind of a human being works in this kind of a situation, I recommend you to read this article: Controlling negative emotions.

Now when you know your ex boyfriend was cheating on you, you realize he was in fact not the kind of a man you thought he is. You had a long-distance relationship and in that situation it is very difficult to get to know the personality of the other person well. You fell in love with an image you created of your boyfriend in your mind, without really knowing him. The man in your mind would not have cheated on you. The real man however did so.

If you knew that your boyfriend was the kind of a man who is capable of cheating on you, do you think you would have fallen in love with him as strongly as you did? I think not. If you knew your boyfriend had a dishonest personality to begin with, it can be that you still would have fallen in love with him, but I believe the intensity of your feeling would not have been so strong. In your mind your boyfriend was pure, and the love you shared with him was pure. Unfortunately it turned out your boyfriend was not as pure as you thought. You are feeling the pain because you must now give up on your dream-image you created of him 3 years ago. If you wish to read more about how to control negative emotions related to cheating and betrayal, please visit page Recovery after Cheating. I also recommend you to read this response I wrote to a person who wrote to me to discussion forum regarding a bit similar issues. Everything I say to her in my response regarding the physiological basis of these painful emotions I wish to say to you: Fighting the emotional pain after separation and betrayal.

It is better in a long run that you got away from the person who could never have made you happy. Your painful feelings are a normal reaction to this kind of a tragedy in life. Please stay strong and let a bit of time pass. One day when you look back you are happy that things went this way and you did not end up marrying a man who could not be honest even though the relationship was only few years old. If people cannot be honest and faithful in the beginning of the relationship, it is often predicting their future behavior. 

Lots of strength and warm thoughts,

- Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it   

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