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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. 

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Dear Friend, 

Thank you for your email. I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. There are only few things in the world which are worse (in terms of the mental pain they cause) than finding out about cheating. I am sorry to use the word cheating, even though your husband denies having a romantic affair with this woman. However the fact is that your husband opened a secret email account just to email with this woman, sent inappropriate messages to her and kept everything hidden from you. The fact that your husband hid these things from you means he knew he was doing something wrong (which is of course obvious!). Even if your husband never had sex with this woman, the criteria for cheating has been met: Your husband knew what he did was wrong but he did it anyhow and hid it from you.

The sentence "I am sleeping alone again" implies very strongly that there has been some kind of romantic interaction between the two, however it is difficult to know what exactly. The worst scenario is of course that they slept together and that message was his way of saying he misses her ("I'd rather sleep with you than alone"). Another option is that he was flirting with her by sending a suggestive message like that. It is obvious that both options are unpleasant from your point of view. Whatever the truth is, the fact is that your husband crossed the line of "neutral friendship" with that kind of a message. Men do not send that kind of messages to their neutral female friends, especially if they are of more conservative type, as you said your husband is. 

Dear Friend, I am not saying these things in order to make you feel more hurt. I simply wish you to see the situation as it is. Being realistic will help you to make the best possible decision. You are the one who must decide what to do, but it is best that you make your decisions based on the facts, even if they are painful. 

It is so unfortunate that so many people in this world end up cheating in their relationship. Most of those people have never been cheated on and so they have no real idea how horrible feeling it is causing to another person. I believe that some people (not all unfortunately) would choose not to cheat, if they knew how much pain it is causing to their partners if they get caught. Of course anyone can imagine how it feels like to be cheated on, but only those of us who have really experienced it know the piercing, all-consuming mental pain it is causing.

It is same as the death of a beloved one: We can all imagine how it feels like and we can emphasize with those who are facing such loss, but we cannot really, truly put ourselves into their situation unless we have faced such pain ourselves. In accordance with this, only those who actually have experienced cheating know the terrible hurt and misery that follows after one finds out about the betrayal.

Dear Friend, I know exactly how you are feeling right now. It feels as if someone pulled the carpet from beneath your feet, poured ice-cold water on you and stole your comfortable, safe life. The anxiety and depression that follow the initial emotional roller coaster after one finds out about cheating can seriously incapacitate a person. Many people cannot go to work for several days/weeks after they found out about cheating. This is a valid reason to get a couple days sick leave in most countries. Those who go to work cannot concentrate and are constantly thinking about the details related to cheating or an affair. The impairment caused buy the mental pain due to cheating is comparable to a death in the family. Finding out about cheating is indeed like a small death. One must let go of the image one had of one's spouse and one's life. Everything in one's life will be altered and adjustment to the new situation is painful.

In  addition to being morally wrong, cheating can be thought of as a sign of a certain kind of ignorance towards one's partner. Cheating spouse is taking a huge risk when he or she starts the process that leads to cheating and possibly to a longtime secret affair. The probability that the betrayal will be discovered by one's spouse is very high. Cheater is literally and intentionally risking the happiness and the mental well-being of one's partner when he or she chooses to start a secret affair.

It is wrong to make a huge decision that can possibly have profound and irreversible consequences to lives of many people behind the back of one's spouse. It is like playing lottery with the lives and mental well-being of people. Some people are ending up being permanently depressed after being cheated on, some even commit a suicide, and all this because of the decision someone else (one's spouse) made behind one's back. This is one aspect that makes cheating so tragic. 

Dear Friend, I know you feel the pain but please remember that your situation could be worse. Your husband has done this kind of a thing one time (to your knowledge). Many people end up cheating one time but when they get caught and they see what kind of horrible consequences it has to their partners they will never do it again. In the end it depends on the personality of a person: There are people who are taking others around them into account and then there are people who simply do not care about other people, even their own spouse, enough to protect them from being hurt. The unfortunate case of Tiger Woods is a sad example of a situation where a husband seemed to be unable to put himself into the position of his wife, Elin Nordegren, and ended up having multiple affairs, knowing the risk is high that the betrayal will be one day discovered.

I certainly do not mean to judge anybody, however it seems that in Tiger Woods case, most people are sympathizing Elin, the cheated wife. In the end of the day the fact is that nobody knows how the relationship between two people really is and so it is not very constructive to judge others, especially without knowing them personally. However, I wish to use the case of Tiger Woods as an example to emphasize that if cheating occurs more than once, it is very difficult to regain the trust, however if it happens only one time there is still a chance to save the relationship and perhaps even make it stronger.

Dear Friend, if you love your husband, I recommend you not to walk away just yet. Let some time pass and give yourself time to adjust to this new situation. You must accept the fact that your life has changed fundamentally and can never be the way it was before. This does not however mean your life will automatically be worse. What happens during next weeks, months and years is completely up to you and your husband. The two of you have the power to either save the relationship or to let it go.

If you wish to try to regain the trust and save the relationship, the key thing in your healing process is that you can trust all contact has ended between your husband and this woman. Do you have a possibility to go along when your husband is visiting the city where that woman lives? I am not saying this because I think you should somehow "guard" your husband. If your husband wants to cheat, he will find a way to do it, and next time he will be more careful in hiding his tracks. I am suggesting this because I think it would make your life easier if you do not have to wonder what is going on and is your husband meeting that woman when he is in that city.

Alternatively, you could ask your husband not to go to that particular city for some time. If your husband wants to save your marriage, he should be ready to make everything he can to help you to get over this. It is very bad for your recovery process and hence for your relationship if your husband keeps going to that city on his own, regardless of whether he meets that woman there or not. 

The only thing you can do is to choose to trust your husband and work from there, or to choose not to trust and to leave. I strongly recommend you not to make any decisions right now. You are still in a state of shock after finding out about cheating. When you feel a bit more calm, you can make much better judgments of the situation. It has been shown in several independent studies that the "gut feeling" can be incredibly powerful in cases like this. Most cheaters get caught because their spouse gets the feeling that something is not right and starts to dig deeper to get to the bottom of the truth. Mostly the reason to the feeling that all is not well is a slight change in the behavior of one's husband of wife. Dear Friend, trust your instincts. Let a bit of time pass and you will have a much better idea of whether you should stay or go. Trust yourself and listen to yourself. 

To read more about the different phases of the recovery process after cheating, visit page How to get over cheating. There are certain phases one must go through in order to recover after cheating. It is possible to regain the trust (and even happiness) after cheating, but the process is long and demanding. However, if one can get over cheating many people claim that their relationship has actually become stronger. The key thing is to learn to control negative emotions related to painful memories. You can read more about the ways to learn to control one's emotions during this kind of crisis from page Healing after cheating.

Warm hug and lots of strength to you, Dear Friend! My thoughts are with you. Please write to me anytime you feel like it. You are not alone. 

Maria 

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