Hi Maria,
Where to start...
I met my Husband age 17. We married ten years later and are now together 21 years. One year into marriage a woman harassed me, constantly phoning me and told me she had an affair with my husband. All denied at the time and I believed it as she was a work colleague of his who had a reputation of drinking and making statements and accusations re what she had done with men.
Roll on 11 years and 3 kids later and pregnant for the fourth. She reappears and makes contact via facebook to tell me its been going on ten years on Christmas week. My husband told me yes, he has visited her for sex maybe every few months or every 6 months on and off over the years. No romance, just it was convenient and it was like going to a prostitute but without paying (he says he has never visited one). He has confessed to me because he told her he was stopping it and wanted to come clean. I cant believe firstly he would do this to me and secondly how he could treat another human being (her) with such disregard. We have always had a normal sex life. He would want it more of course but once a week on average and we are compatible. He recently in the last 2 years has been looking at more porn on the computer. I feel this has effected his slant on sex. Not that that's why he started visiting this woman though she precedes it.
I asked him why tell me at all? Why not just finish with her and let her accusations be put down to her madness? I was oblivious, as he says it was ten minutes on the way home from work when she rang him and asked him to. So no tell tale signs for me. He wants to be honest now! First time in our married life. I can't believe how I thought I knew him.
We have had a bad year relationship wise but not that bad, just need to work on it a bit, let things slide, but this is just to add to it. He says I have done nothing wrong. He loves me and is so upset that I did initially ask him to find somewhere else to live. I have such feelings for him, we grew up together, been through so much, get on so well in our life and in bed, I thought. We click. I don't want this to be the end and neither does he. Love can't be switched off just like that. All I read in searching I have done points to he will do it again.
We have said we will go to counselling. His sexual desires have to be addressed. He holds the family to ransom here when he is gone too many days without it. Being grumpy with me and the kids. I point this out to him that its not the way to win me over and he will pull in his horns and be nicer.
Do you think a man who has such a need to be sexually fulfilled can be faithful? And pardon me for being crude, but can a man not get any fulfillment from masturbation? Can counselling help??
Thank you if you can offer any advice.
__________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. __________ Dear Friend, Thank you for your email. First of all let me say that your situation is not hopeless. You said you want to stay together with your husband, but you are afraid he will cheat on you again. It is not certain that cheating will occur again. Of course if we compare your husband to a person who has never cheated in his life, the threshold for cheating is probably lower for your husband. However, that does not mean he will automatically cheat again. This was the first time your husband got caught and additionally, he was not in love with this woman. If he got caught before and still continued cheating, I would be forced to say to you that the prospect is not very good. But since this is the first time, it is a completely different situation.  There are people who cheat but after being caught and after seeing the pain and hurt their beloved ones must go through due to their actions, they will never cheat again. They also realize, perhaps for the first time, that their relationship is not something they can take for granted, but that they actually were very close losing their family due to cheating. This is a very frightening prospect, and many people simply do not want to risk it will happen, and therefore they will not cheat again after getting caught. The threshold for cheating has suddenly increased significantly for them. For this reason I believe everyone deserves a second chance. Yes, cheating is wrong, but we can all make mistakes. On the other hand, if cheating has been going on for a very long time, it makes it harder to forgive. There are many aspects that need to be considered and each case is unique. However, if two people want to stay together after cheating has occurred, it is good for them to know that the situation is not hopeless. Then there is another category of people, who simply do not care about the emotions of people around them enough to prevent them from cheating again after they get caught. These people only think of themselves and are unable to put themselves into the position of another person. Narcissists typically belong to this category and hence they often end up having multiple affairs. But it sounds like your husband is not narcissistic. You said you get along well, you wrote that you "click". That is a good place to be in terms of fixing the relationship and regaining the trust.  Yes, I believe counselling can definitely help, if both parties want to improve the situation and are really committed to work on returning the trust in relationship. I warmly recommend you to go to counselling. If your husband has some sort of sexual addiction, it can be treated as any other addiction. Dear Friend, again let me say that the situation is not hopeless. Also remember that your husband was not in love with this woman. This will help you. Your husband says he loves YOU. I sounds like he is being sincere and that the relationship with this other woman was only about sex. Of course that does not justify cheating, however I believe you would feel even more hurt if your husband had a longtime romantic love-affair with another woman behind your back. Remember that getting rid of any addiction is very hard. If your husband really has some sort of sex addiction, there might be relapses. If your husband truly loves you and wants to do everything he can to make the relationship work, his motivation to get rid of his addiction is very high and hence his chances of succeeding are good. If there will be a relapse, it will be very painful not only for you but also for your husband. You should think beforehand how you will react if there will be a relapse. Can you forgive second time? Even if you think you think you can, do not tell that to your husband, you do not want to make him feel that you are taking this thing lightly. I cannot say much regarding whether the masturbation is enough to satisfy a person who needs lots of sexual fulfillment. These things depend on the person in question and each case is unique. The main thing is the will of a person to get rid of the problem. Based on your email it sounds like your husband really loves you and wants to stay together. Make it clear to him that you are not going to accept this kind of a thing happening again. Give your husband some literature regarding the recovery process after cheating, so that he knows what you are going through and he realizes you cannot get over something like this overnight, but that it takes at list 1-2 years for you to recover after the betrayal such as this, perhaps even longer. When your husband understand the extent of the damage his actions have caused on your relationship and how long it takes to repair the damage, that hopefully increases his threshold for cheating in the future even more. You can let your husband for example read this article: How to Get Over Cheating. For more information regarding these topics, you can also visit page Healing after Cheating. I really wish you are able to work things out with your husband and stay together. I am saying this because I could feel from your email that you really love your husband and wish that you could learn to trust him again. Dear Friend, it is possible, however you need to be patient. Give yourself time. You are not alone. Warm hug, Maria
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Stories - Cheating 
He immediately removed himself from our family home when I stated that I will not tolerate another woman in my marriage. Now, 9 months later, I still have no explanation but a scant admission that he is living with her. She has been promoted to an even higher post in his organization thanks to his efforts and I am beginning to wonder how low he will stoop to please her. In the meantime I am struggling to pick up the pieces being a caring mother to his children, especially in pretending as if nothing had changed. My life has become a total nightmare, I feel anger towards him, hatred towards the other woman and frustration with my adult children whose support I so desperately seek. I have come to the conclusion that it must be difficult for them to deal with the waves of hurt and anger that overwhelm me on a regular basis. Essentially, my relationship with them has also been deeply affected. I simply lack the trust in anyone right now, always suspecting withheld secrets and underhanded motives. As an honest person that values the same attribute in the people around her, I've become a consumate skeptic.
How can I redirect these negative feelings into more positive thoughts? There is a matter of survival here at stake. I also suffer from a chronic pain disorder which is severly aggravated by stress.