Dear Maria,

Your site is very helpful. It is well thought out and the information is very relevant. I have empathized with every story, and I hear that things will get better. My right brain tells me these things are sound and logical. I find myself being angry I have let myself get to this point.

My left brain is in absolute turmoil. The pain is unbelievable; I feel a gigantic piece of me is missing. I loved my girlfriend so much. Although I dread it, I continually check my phone to see if there is a text message or a voice mail. I know I have to be strong and maintain no contact but it is very difficult. I so desperately miss the companionship, although after reading the posts on your site know it is my attachment to image I built I am missing – but I miss it all the same. I thought we were on the same page, and that is probably the feeling I miss more than anything. The thought that you had something, there was a rock in your life. I am trying to recall the hurtful things to protect myself when I get these feelings of loneliness, and it does help, but I also quickly slip away.

Even while these thoughts go through my head I am angry at myself for letting myself get to this point. My girlfriend revealed to me that she had the HPV virus a while ago. I have not slept with anyone else in the time we have been together. When I confronted her she got very defensive telling me it could have been me from years ago and could have been passed back and forth between the two of us. I can’t believe I didn’t leap up at this obvious red flag. It raised my suspicions so I checked her email account and sure enough there were emails to someone else arranging to get together on a business trip she regularly made. The reality is though there have been numerous incidents that when I think about them now there were obvious signs. In fact when I look at the whole relationship, there were many incidents. Why she kept coming back to me is a mystery to me.

It was the most devastating thing I could have read. I have spent thousands of dollars on jewelry to make her feel “special”. I made a point of sending a text message every day to tell her how much I loved her. I have taken her on special trips to Europe. We had other trips planned that I thought were special to us. Now I just feel like they meant nothing. The words of the email I read burn in my head like a red hot poker.

I am having a hard time functioning normally. Mentally I know I cannot let someone else rob my day to day enjoyment, I guess I just lack the skills at this particular point.

Maria, I cannot begin to tell you how this makes me feel. I have wasted years on this relationship. Thousands of dollars, sacrificed other meaningful relationships like those with my children. Now all I have to show for it is poor health, I am drinking heavily because it does help numb the pain, and an STI from whatever that encounter was she had. How could I let this happen?? Despite all this I am having a really hard time letting go of the deep love I had for her. We have not had any contact now for 4 days which is unusual. I am sitting here miserable trying to come to terms with my grief. My mind tells me that she is enjoying herself having a good time, probably enjoying the company of someone else. I hate the thought that her life goes on without skipping a beat while mine seems to have come to a grinding halt. I am feeling helpless, jealous, and lonely.

I know I can be a good person, a productive individual, a good partner. The road looks very long at this point.

Given all that I know now. My intellectual side telling me it is the best thing for me and a chance to rebuild myself, but I am struggling deeply.

I miss myself, and any thoughts you have would be appreciated.

Please help.

Dear Friend,

I am sorry to hear you are feeling such pain. You wrote you "continually check the phone to see if there is a text message or a voice mail". That is something we all have been doing at some point when we have been in the middle of our own private emotional storm due to a relationship with cheating or narcissistic partner. Everyone who navigates to this website looking for information regarding these matters knows how it feels like to wait for the call that often does not come, or comes when we are just about to recover, sucking us back into the world of insecurity and unrealistic hopes of the improvement of the situation. To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.

Dear Friend, you are right, you are missing the image you have created of your girlfriend, not the real person this woman turned out to be. Even though your image of your girlfriend was not real, the pain you feel when you have to let go of that image is very real. It helps you to recover faster when you know that in reality the person who you fell in love with never existed. This means there was never a real chance for you to get what you dreamed of with her: A loving, balanced and stable relationship.

Do not blame yourself for not realizing this sooner. It is so difficult to see through a deceitful person. Even in the best case scenario it takes several weeks to get to know the other person well enough to make any kind of judgments of the personality. The situation is much more difficult when one is deeply in love and often tends to be blind to the flaws in the other person. 

You wrote: "I cannot begin to tell you how this makes me feel". Dear Friend, I know all too well the pain you are going through. That is why I can say this to you: The pain will go away eventually. You may feel that this knowledge is not helping you very much right now, but in fact it can aid you to deal with your emotional burden when you know that others have been through exactly the same and have survived, and better yet, regained their happiness. The same thing will happen to you. You need to be patient. The fact that you cannot get over the break-up with your girlfriend overnight is an evidence of your strong emotions towards her. There would be something wrong with you if you did not feel the pain after separation, especially after investing so much into this relationship, both financially and emotionally. 

We all must experience losses in our lives time to time. It is painful to let go of things. It will help you when you realize that what you are going through is as inevitable as the pain after a snake bite. The pain you are feeling now is a physiological reaction to negative stimuli (the knowledge that your girlfriend was cheating on you and is no longer part of your life). As it happens in case of the pain due to a snake bite, so it happens with the pain you are now experiencing: Eventually it will cease. When that happens and when you are looking back, I guarantee you feel happy that the relationship ended. Even though you feel the pain now, ask yourself would you rather want the relationship to continue with a person who is not worthy of your trust and your respect? I do not think so. 

What you have been going through is in a way like a small death. You must let go of a person who has been part of your life for a long time. It is never easy. When you feel you miss your girlfriend, remind yourself of the negative things she has done. Would you really from all your heart wish to be with that kind of a person? I think the answer is no. As you said yourself, what you are missing is an illusion. It is good that you recognize what you are really missing. It helps you to recover faster when you realize you have not actually lost anything "real". It was only a matter of time when these things came out. And better now than after ten more years. 

Dear friend, I know there is nothing I can say that can take the pain away fully. But I wish that what I have said helps you to adjust to the situation better and makes you realize that what happened was actually a good thing: You ended a relationship with a person who would have most likely caused you more pain in the future. I know your pain is strong now. However, imagine how much stronger it would be had you been married, perhaps with children.

If a person is strongly in love with someone, it is very difficult to cheat on that person. Could you imagine cheating on your girlfriend? I do not think so. Your strong love towards her is preventing that. If she has been cheating on you, I am sorry to say this, but it might imply that she does not love you as much as you love her. Dear Friend, I do not mean to cause you more pain by saying this. I am saying this only because I believe it is better that you make your decisions based on facts. Sometimes it is difficult to see things clearly when one is in the middle of the emotional struggle.

It is impossible to know the situation of two people from outside. I am saying these things based on the matters you mentioned in your email. You seem to be a smart and sensitive man. Your insight regarding these matters is very clear, you can analyze and express your feelings very well. You alone know the details of your situation with your girlfriend. You alone can make the decision of whether you wish to share your life with this woman or not. The only thing I can do is to give you some external independent feedback based on the things you are telling in your email. It often helps to hear the opinion of a total outsider. I wish my feedback has been helpful for you. 

You say you are having difficulties concentrating on your work and on other things in life due to this situation. Please read this article of Controlling the emotions. If you force your thoughts to new tracks it helps you to get rid of the pain faster. Read also this article of How cheating affects the brain. It helps you to recover faster when you understand the physiological basis of your painful feelings. Please remember that you are not alone. There are millions of people around the world who are going through what you are going through at this very moment. There are even more people who have experienced something similar at some point in their lives and have recovered. You will recover too. 

You seem to be a warmhearted, kind and loving person. As you say, you can be a wonderful partner for some lucky woman. I am sure that this will not be the last time in your life when you fall in love. Please do not waste your precious years with a woman who does not respect you enough to be truthful to you. You deserve a partner in life who is fully committed to you, as you are to her. You deserve to be happy. Dear Friend, do not settle for anything less.

Please write to me anytime you want. You do not have to go through this alone. I wish to support you any way I can. 

Warm hug,

Maria

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