Hi Maria,

I read your articles. They gave me hope that one day i will get over this and live a happy life.

I am in my thirties and have been married for the past couple years. My husband is 1 year younger than me. We have a 14 month old baby. I love my husband very dearly but we do quarrel over petty things like normal couples. We bought a house with our earnings, renovated it and then decided it was time to start a family.

A few months before this decision i came to know that my husband was cheating on me online with a younger girl he hardly knows. I heard romantic phone conversations which killed me. I was shocked. We talked about it and a couple months went by. He said sorry and i started to rebuild the trust saying that this affair was online and it was over and he said the girl was now his best friend! I saw her photo, she is very sexy. We planned a family and i got pregnant. Things went well but i was scared of having sex because i was carrying a baby. But he was here whenever he needed me. He took care of me especially during my delivery which i don't think any husband would have done. He was beside me comforting me for 10 long hours of work. I was glad he was with me.

The baby came and he took 3 weeks leave to take care of me. But as time passed i saw him getting involved with his own things like games, computer, friends and was leaving me alone. It was always my in-laws who live next door that were taking care of me and the baby. Months went by, i returned to work after maternity. Life was hectic with work, house, baby, driving lessons and waking up alone at night with baby. Sometimes i would go to work with dark circles around eyes and looked tired.

My husband became distant and was always late saying he had important things at work. Soon i came to hear the name of a girl whom he calls a friend at work. The girl was 20 years old. They SMSed each other almost every day. Seeing this i was afraid to tell my husband that maybe he is cheating on me, because I thought if he is not it would have made him think that I am not trusting him at all.

So i decided to just follow the situation and be calm. We didn't have sex because i took time to recover and i had a kind of fear of penetration. He knew about my problem and said he'll help me out. In the mean time i decided to lose the excess weight i gained during pregnancy to look much more pretty, as my husband would always say he likes thin girls with long hairs etc. I tried no grow my hair and take care of myself. I changed my outfits, going more on the trendy side. My baby was 8 months old then.

My husband knew that i doubted him and he would always say the girl is his best friend and that at work people think they are having an affair. But unfortunately for him i was smart enough to know that he is having an affair. He only wanted to prepare me mentally for his attack. I just wanted to make sure first and to get only 1 proof. A few weeks went by and i ended up doing everything in the house without his support while he was out on lunch date with the girl regularly. I was sinking into a depression.

A month ago i saw an email he sent to the girl. That killed me. My whole world stopped. This time i wasn't wrong. He was cheating on me. I cried out loud with my baby, my in-laws, fainted and my husband apologized and said he will break up with the girl. But the next day he met the girl and things got worse at home. He decided to leave me with my baby to go live in a flat. He said he cannot talk to me because we fight a lot and he wants to be free. Again 2 weeks of torture. I couldn't take it. I went to consult a psychologist. It didn't help. Then out of nowhere he said he will give a second try because he knows he has bills to pay and so many things and he cannot afford to live a separate life, pay a flat and luxuries.

My in-laws offered a weekend out in a 5 star hotel. Things went well. We enjoyed sex. He took 1 week sick leave from work to be with me as i was on vacation. I was so happy. But there has always been the presence of the girl over the phone even after they "broke up". After the vacation, everything ended for me. He said he gave a try and it didn't work and that he doesn't love me. This time i knew it was over. He won't look back. He hurt me so much that i had this huge urge to slap him and i did it. It gave me a certain satisfaction. Maybe had i done this earlier he would have been with me. Now he is still living in the same house because of our baby but we have separate personal lives. This is so hard for me because he says we are good friends and housemates. I can't see that. He calls me sometimes with the funny nicks we used to call each other before.

I have been talking to a couple of friends and read many of your articles. I am planning of buying books to read to help me out though i am not a book person. I feel depressed. I cannot show it at work and neither to my parents. They do not know about the story. My mum's health isn't too good. I have to act in front of everyone and my husband. He thinks that i got over the matter.

I still love my husband. He is young and good looking but has always thought of himself. I gave up everything for him. He doesn't even take care of our kid. Only very rarely because he knows his parents will do so. I seem lost. I don't know what to do next. I can't see my future. Will i be able to love someone again? And what will happened to our baby. My husband wants to stay with us to see us happy while he is having his affair outside the house. The hurting part is that he is in love with the girl and he is heartbroken because they split up but are friends... I wonder if it's true. What about my heart? Nobody cares.

I need your help on this matter. I see myself at home, seeing my husband over the phone with this other woman. How will i ever be happy? Do you think he will come back to me? If so, how will i ever trust him. I don't want to live a miserable life without love and affection. I want to feel loved, especially if it was my husband again.

Please help.

___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. 

 ____________

Dear Friend,

Thank you for sending your story. What you are going through is one of the hardest things a human being can face during a lifetime. Those who have never experienced cheating might think this is an overstatement. They might think "come on, that woman still has her health, her house, her baby etc, too bad that husband left her but these things happen in life". Only those of us who have personally experienced cheating know how horrible the pain is. The basis of the life we have known gets destroyed in a blink of an eye and we are being thrown into a deep sadness, anxiety and depression literally overnight. It literally feels like dying. After reading my response, if you wish to read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism. 

In a very real way that is what the pain due to cheating is all about: Something you once had suddenly gets forever taken away from you. Even if a couple stays together after cheating, the relationship has changed forever. One can never get back the pure feeling of unconditional love and trust. This does not mean one could not learn to trust again. The trust can be rebuilt. It requires hard work, but it can be done. One can learn to trust that the spouse understands the pain he or she has caused by his/her cheating, feels sorry and has no intention of doing it again.

However, cheating always changes one important aspect in a relationship. If you are together with a person who has no history of cheating, you can have a very strong trust this person will not cheat on you: There is no evidence that this person is even capable of cheating (note that I am talking about your inner feeling, of course there is never guarantees someone does not cheat). If you are together with a person who has a history of cheating in his/her previous relationships (and you are aware of it) it is more difficult to trust the person fully. In that kind of a situation the question is no longer "is this person capable of cheating". One already has an answer to that question: Yes, this the person is capable of cheating. The only question remaining is "will this person cheat on me".

If cheating has occurred in the past and especially if it has occurred many times, the chances are that it will occur again. This possibility cannot be ruled out. So it is more difficult to trust this kind of a person, but until we are personally being cheated on, there is still that benefit of a doubt since we do not have a definite answer to a question: "Is this person capable of cheating on me?".

Now consider a case in which your husband has been cheating on you (this is your situation). Now the question is no longer "is this man a cheater?" The answer is "yes, he is". We also have an answer to question "can he cheat on me?": Yes, he can. And he cheated on you not only once but twice. This means he did not learn his lesson after cheating on you for the first time. So even if you got back together you cannot rule out the possibility that he would do this again. 

Dear Friend, I know you would so much like to hear me say that your husband might return to you and that there is a possibility that he will not cheat on you again. Even though this scenario is possible, based on all the facts it is very likely that even if he did get back together with you, the chances are that he might one day do this again. And even if he does not, you would be suspicious of him for a long time. He would need to work very hard to win your trust.

Dear Friend, please be aware that I am not saying these things to make you feel worse. I simply do not want to give you false hope, since if you start to wish you might get back the same feeling of love you once shared with this man, you will only be disappointed. After your husband cheated on you two times, you can never get back the pure feeling you once had towards him. It is important that you are not wishing for something that cannot happen.

However, this does not mean your situation is hopeless. Couples do get back together after cheating and sometimes a relationship can grow even stronger. So I am not saying your situation is hopeless. But at this moment there is nothing you can do to improve things, it all depends on your husband and he has shown no signs of being able to take your feelings into account. You said your husband moved back because he could not pay his bills. He was only thinking of himself, he did not move back for your sake. Instead he is making you suffer and preventing you from healing because you are forced to see him everyday. That is very selfish of him.

At this point I think you should think about yourself. Do not think of him or his problem of taking care of the bills. You need to be able to start the process of healing. Your husband has said he does not love you anymore. It is very cruel to say that to you and force you to live with him when he knows you still love him. It was cruel of him to start a relationship behind your back without giving you even a chance to try to fix the things he felt were not right in your relationship.

It is wrong to keep the other person in a reserve like that, while he is seeing if the relationship will work out with the younger girl. He should have ended the relationship with you before starting to pursue another girl. But he wanted to see first if things will work out with her. If they did not, he would most likely have stayed with you. So again he was thinking of himself, securing his own back, not thinking of you. You do not owe anything to this man. He is not your responsibility. You must concentrate on yourself and make sure you can start the healing process as soon as possible.

You said you cannot tell your parents about this situation since your mother has a poor health. It is very kind of you to think of her well-being. However, if you stay in that situation too long (living with your husband as you are doing now), you will slowly get more and more depressed. Once the depression has become very deep it takes long time for the mind to heal. You have a young baby who needs you. Your child is your priority now. You must stay in good health both mentally and physically so that you can take care of your baby.

Please trust me on this one: Your mother would not want you to risk your mental health and hence the health of your baby for the sake of protecting her feelings. She has much experience in life, she is your mother and she loves you, she will understand and support you, as do your friends. Your husband cannot expect you to live happily like that with him. That is extremely selfish of him.

I advise you to move out as soon as possible (or ask him to move out) and tell him that you do not want to interact with him unless he is willing to try to work on your relationship. That makes him see that you are not going to be there forever for him, waiting for him to gracefully take you back. If he values your relationship, he will understand what he has lost when you are gone and if he wants to get back with you, he will let you know it. But if you stay living with him, you are not forcing him to choose, you are allowing him to keep on playing his game, keep you in reserve, torturing you mentally and slowly turning you into a sad, depressed woman. Dear Friend, I do not wish that to happen to you.

Please move out (or make him move out) as soon as you can. I know it feels hard to leave, but nothing good will come out of it if you stay. You will only become more sad. If he does not return back to you when you leave, he would not have done that had you stayed, so your leaving will not make any difference to that. On the contrary, it might make him realize how it feels like to live without you and his child and he might see he does not want that. If he does not change his mind, then it definitely is better for you to be away from him. So you see, either way it is the best option for you to move out.

Think of yourself and your child. Do not think of him. He has hurt you enough. Do not let him make you feel guilty by "giving him financial troubles". You did not cause this situation, he did. None of this is your fault. He brought this upon himself. Your priorities lie with your child, not with him, not after he betrayed you this badly.

Dear Friend, you are still young, you have your whole life ahead of you. Even though you do not feel like that now, you WILL get over this, you will recover and you will fall in love again. Trust me. My thoughts are with you. Be strong.  

To read more about how to get over cheating and narcissism, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism. 

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it    

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