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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

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Dear Friend,

Thank you for your letter. I know the pain you are feeling. It is extremely hurtful to find out about cheating even if the actual event has taken place several years ago. You found out about your husband's betrayal only couple months ago. Your wounds are still fresh. I understand well that in this state of mind you feel tempted to end the marriage.

Even though it is painful to think about the actual sexual encounter, many people feel that it is even more painful to hear that there has been a strong emotional connection between their spouse and another person. Your husband said he felt like a "drug addict" and could not cut the communication with his ex girlfriend. In the same time your husband is claiming he did not feel anything towards his ex girlfriend and that the relationship was purely platonic.

It is obvious that these two statements are very contradicting. First of all, the relationship definitely was not platonic, since sexual encounter took place. Additionally, your husband deliberately hid from you his interaction with his ex girlfriend during all these years. If the relationship was purely platonic, most likely your husband would not have felt the need to hide it from you completely.

You said your husband purchased calling cards in secrecy and only spoke with his ex girlfriend when you were not around. This kind of a behavior can be explained in only two ways. Either your husband felt something towards his ex girlfriend and understood that the communication between the two of them (not to mention the sexual encounter) was not the kind of a communication a married man should have with another woman, and decided to hide their communication from you for this reason.

Another possibility is that your husband was not interested in this woman in a romantic way after the sexual encounter occurred but decided nevertheless to hide their communication from you in order not to make you jealous. But if this was the case, it would sound a bit strange that he had sexual encounter with his ex girlfriend in a first place and that he described himself as a "drug addict" who could not resist calling her. No matter which of the previous two options it the truth, in both cases it is of course wrong to lie to one's partner about something like this.

If you eventually decide to stay together with your husband and try to work things out, it is very important that your husband is completely honest with you regarding the relationship between him and his ex girlfriend. Based on your letter you seem to be a very smart woman. Your insight regarding this situation and regarding your own feelings seem to be very clear. Your husband is underestimating your intelligence if he thinks you will believe him when he claims this was a mere platonic relationship, based on all the facts that you already know. If your husband did not feel anything towards his ex girlfriend, he most likely would not have had sex with her and he definitely would not have felt like a "drug addict" who "had to keep calling her". We do not feel that way towards our platonic friends. Your healing process can truly begin only after you can feel that your husband is being totally honest with you.

If you decide to stay and try to work things out with your husband, you must be prepared for a long recovery process. It will take on average 1-2 years to get over cheating and betrayal in a relationship. This does not mean that after 1-2 years you would feel completely fine and you would feel the same towards your husband as you felt before you found out about his betrayal. If you are going to stay with your husband, you need to accept the fact that your relationship has changed permanently. This does not necessarily mean your relationship with your husband will be worse in the future. But it will be different. You need to accept this if you are going to remain together with your husband. To read more about different phases of the recovery process and what to expect from the following months, please read this article: How to get over cheating.

Dear Friend, I am not going to lie to you, it is a long road to recovery. Everyone who has experienced cheating in a relationship knows this. On the other hand you have been together with your husband for more than 30 years. If you have felt otherwise happy in your relationship, I recommend you to wait for some time before deciding what to do. Give yourself time, do not rush into decisions that will affect the rest of your life.

If this was the first time your husband has been dishonest with you and you have been otherwise happy in your relationship, it is definitely worth it to try to save the marriage. You will however need the help of a professional. Do not try to carry this burden on your own. I recommend you to go to talk to a counselor first on your own and later together with your husband if you feel comfortable with it. No matter what you decide to do regarding your marriage, you will feel relieved and purified after talking with a counselor about your emotions. Their job is to relieve your burden. This is the time to use their expertise.

If you decide to go to meet a counselor, remember that a counselor cannot give you any specific advice regarding what you should do, that is against their ethics. Instead, a counselor can help you to understand your painful feelings better. If you understand your feelings better, it will help you to make the right decision regarding the future of your marriage. To read more about this topic, please visit page Ways to heal emotional wounds.

You have been married for over 30 years. It is not uncommon for spouses to become attracted to someone else after spending so many years with one person. What matters is how one acts when one feels attracted to someone. One does not have to give in to temptation and do things that one knows will hurt one's spouse should those things be discovered by the spouse. Unfortunately many people are too weak to resist the temptation. I am sure your husband did not mean to hurt you. Of course this does not justify what he did.

Regardless of what happened I believe your husband loves you and wants to stay with you. If he did not love you and wish to stay with you, he would not behave towards you now the way you describe he is behaving. Your husband is in a similar situation as you in that sense that he has shared over 30 years of his life with you. No one can ever take your place in his life, even if he would decide to leave you. You are extremely important person to him. The two of you know each other better than anyone else. Your husband must feel terrified and depressed of the possibility of losing what the two of you share. He has made a horrible mistake, but if he truly understands that what he did was wrong and is willing to commit to you fully from now on and never to repeat his mistake, it is possible to rebuild the trust and save your marriage.

It can be that your husband was attracted to his ex girlfriend but when he is now facing a possibility of losing you he has realized the depth of his feelings towards you and he realizes that he does not wish to trade you for her, even if that possibility existed. Of course this does not justify what your husband has done, but it can help you to understand better his position and if you decide to try to work things out, it will help you to learn to trust him again.

It is important that you can talk with your husband openly about everything, what made him decide to carry on secret contact with his ex girlfriend, what he got out of it, what she represented to him, etc. Even if you decide to end the marriage, it will help you to recover when you understand what was the true reason for your husband's behavior. It is also very important that you do not blame yourself for what happened. You did not do anything to deserve this kind of treatment. A counselor can help you to find the right questions that help you to understand better why your husband did what he did. I warmly recommend you to go to see a counselor instead of trying to get over this traumatic event on your own.

I understand that your primary feeling is now that you want to end the marriage and that you can never trust your husband again. If you still feel the way you do now after couple months, then I encourage you to end the marriage instead of struggling to maintain the relationship that cannot be salvaged. But since it has only been couple months since you found out about the betrayal, I advise you to wait for a while before you make the final decision.

If you feel like you do not want to see your husband at this time, ask him to move away for a while so that you can be in peace while you process your feelings. If your husband truly cares for you and wishes to help you to get over this, he will agree to this. Do whatever you must so that you would feel as comfortable as possible in this difficult situation. Do not force yourself to do things you do not like. Follow your heart and listen carefully to your own feelings and eventually you know what is the right way to go from here.

Warm hug,

Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it