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Hello Maria,
I have been reading on your website a lot the last few days and it is amazing how many people are dealing with very similar situations as mine. I am a male, in my forties and have been married for almost 3 and half years now. Although I didn’t think that my marriage was “too” bad for the first 3 years I always felt like there was something wrong and the love from my wife seemed fake, she would always tell me how much she loved me in person, text, emails….. but just never really felt it.
Then 6 months before our 3rd wedding anniversary I started to find out why. I saw her get a text one night and she had to get it off her phone like it was hot potato. I searched and found the number through the on-line phone bill and figured out who it was, it was a “so-called” friend of mine and she had been texting him for a couple months at that time.
I did not confront her or accuse her of anything at this time I just watched the bill and seen how much she was texting him. Then about 2 months later she stayed out until 4:30 A.M. one Thursday morning after telling me that she was going to help plan for a class reunion of hers coming up. When she did get home I was worried sick about her and she told me that she just went to one of her old friends from high school (lady) and didn’t know why I was upset.
Well next day I found out she lied to me and that wasn’t the only place she had went, and this is where I really started finding things out and doubting lots of things. After watching her phone bill due to her texting this one guy I noticed that she was texting another number quite often and late at night early morning lots of the time. So the more I investigated this I found out it was an old boyfriend whom she dated for 1 month before we were engaged. And looking back at phone records I seen where as far back as the day of our 1st anniversary she was texting him.
So I confronted her about all of this and she lied and denied it all and made up a big lie of a story as too who the text was too (this guys ex-wife). This all went on about another 2 months before I got a hold of one of her old phones and she had not erased a few of the several hundred text that she had sent these guys. One of the text to my supposed to be friend said “I am sure I will be single soon and gonna have to rape you” and one to her ex said “I am trying to figure out how to leave this mess (me) I am in, I love you”. she even went on to tell me that she had lied to me about being pregnant when she never was 3 years earlier when we was just dating and had broken up, she told me this about the time I was really questioning all the text to her ex that she denied everyone of, said it was bad enough that she had to tell me something like that and that she HAD NOT talked or seen her ex in any way! Well reading all her text that she had on her phone I found out there was lies after lies about just about everything including my kids, her kids and everything else (we have no kids together).
I am just a normal guy that isn’t perfect but has always been faithful in our marriage and tried to do the right things, I have taken her on several vacations and went lots of places and done lots of things not to mention I have been like a father to her 2 daughters since there real Dad pays no child support or ever sees them. For several months about during our marriage she spent an average of $5,000.00/month on just money to blow. This is not counting a bill of any kind, I always paid all of the “bills”, she did this even after quitting her job.
She tells me that there has never been anything physical between her and her ex that they just talked even the night she stayed out till 4:30 A.M. she was with him at his friends house but she was drunk and passed out on the couch. I first told her after she denied every bit of this at the beginning that I wanted a divorce and she moved out and we did file for divorce, but after being miserable and hurt something terrible for a month I decided I would try to work things out, and they was going fairly well for a little while, but now I can’t seem to get over what has happened and seriously doubt if there is anyway to ever come close to trust her again.
We are both going to counseling and the other day the counselor asked what is it that you want to save from this marriage? BIG QUESTION??????? I know it all just hurts so bad but reading your website almost everything I see here is what I have lived!!!
THANK YOU!
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your letter. I am so sorry that you are in the middle of this kind of a situation. Your situation is unfortunately far from unique. Many people who have experienced cheating say that they first felt as if they wanted to remain together with their deceitful spouse no matter what the cost, but after some time passed the anger stepped in and they found it very hard to continue the relationship with their cheating partner.
Have you already read this article of How to Get Over Cheating? As you can see, your reactions are perfectly normal. When you found out about cheating you were shocked at first because your whole life suddenly changed and you were not prepared for it. Then you got angry and wanted to end the relationship, but after being alone for some time you started to miss your wife so much that you felt you wanted to give the relationship another chance. This is the path that many choose in your situation.
When our spouse cheats on us and we end the relationship, the pain we feel is in a way comparable to the pain we would feel if our spouse suddenly died. Of course separation due to cheating is not as final, however the fact is that if our spouse cheats on us, our image of him or her changes permanently and no matter what we do, we cannot get back the old feeling. We know we have lost something forever and this knowledge is causing the emotional pain.
When you returned to your wife, you felt a bit better because being with your wife physically alleviated some of the withdrawal symptoms you experienced when you were separated. In this case the withdrawal symptoms were the result of sudden unexpected disappearance of everything familiar in your life. The image you had of your wife (as someone who is faithful to you) was destroyed and on top of this you were physically parted from your wife. It made it easier for you to cope with the withdrawal symptoms and your emotional pain when you could bring back at list one of the familiar things you had lost: The physical presence of your wife. But as time went by, the anger and pain in you started to grow again when you remembered what had happened. You slowly started to realize that you cannot return back to your old life, no matter how much you wish you could. This is the point where you are now.
What you need to decide is if you are willing to share your life with your wife now when your image of her has changed. You thought your wife is a certain kind of a person, the kind of a person who cannot and will not cheat on you. Now it turned out that your wife is the kind of a person who is capable of doing those things. Regardless of whether your wife will cheat again or not, you now think of her as a person who can cheat and lie, as opposed to someone who is honest.
You need to examine your feelings and see if you are able and willing to live with a person like that. In a way you are in a similar situation as you were when you debated whether to ask your wife to marry you or not. You came to a decision that she had the qualities that made you feel you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. Now again you are in a situation in which you must ask yourself are you willing to be with this person for the rest of your life, now when your image of her has changed. It might take some time before you are able to answer this question. Do not rush. This is a big decision, you need to give yourself enough time to consider everything carefully.
If you choose to remain together with your wife, you need to work together to restore the trust. It will take time. It will take on average 1-2 years before one is able to start to trust again after cheating, regardless of whether cheating was emotional or physical. Even when one slowly starts to regain the trust, the betrayal will never be forgotten.
However, if the cheated party truly feels that the cheater is sorry about what has happened and realizes how horrible mistake it was to cheat, it is possible to regain happiness in a relationship. You know your wife the best. Do you have the feeling that she is genuinely sorry about what happened? This is a very important question and you alone can answer it.
In your situation the most painful part is the lying, denying things, the emotional context of the text messages and the way your wife put you down in the messages. It is good that you are seeing a counselor, it is important to be able to process your negative emotions face-to-face with a professional, who knows what you are going through.
If you decide to remain together with your wife, things will eventually get better (see article How to Get Over Cheating). You need to decide are you willing to choose that path, for it is a long one, as all those know who have remained together with their partner after cheating has occurred. You alone can decide which way is the right one for you.
Having said all this, I recommend that you do not make any final decision right at this moment. You are still in the middle of very emotional and sensitive period. Wait for a while until your emotions have calmed down and then examine your feelings. In time it will become very clear for you what is the right way to go. If you leave while you are still in this very emotional state, you might regret it after a while. But if you decide to leave once you have calmed down, you feel more certain that you made the right choice.
It is very helpful to know that all the doors are open for you, that you can stay or go and that no one forces you to decide one way or the other. You are the one who makes the decisions. It helps you when you keep in mind that YOU are controlling the situation, instead of other way around. You will get through this. Never doubt that.
If you suspect your wife might have narcissistic tendencies, you find articles regarding narcissism and how it is like to be in a relationship with a narcissistic person here: Narcissism.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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In the middle of the night, I found that I could not sleep, and began looking through her cell phone records, only to find that she was calling this person repeatedly throughout the day and wee hours of the night, for months! It was clear, after twenty-five years of togetherness, she was involved with another man, and doing so behind my back. Her friends, family, and the man's wife knew what I did not. The drama that followed would rival a Jerry Springer episode.
I eventually came to a point where I asked her to leave. She shouted back, "I can't leave, you ruined everything by calling him and his wife!". In reply, I said, "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to disturb your newly found love", would you like for me to call him? She sad yes. So I called, only to find out that he was no longer interested in my wife, and that he was facing a federal drug trafficing sentence. So with nowhere to go, my wife remained with me. Why? I have no clue. She told me she never met a man who made her feel the way that he made her feel, (and that included myself). She also claimed she needed money, ($50,000.00) to move out. I quickly declined, and told her to take what was in her name only.
Interestingly, her sister did the same thing with her husband, and all the while, their mother would meet with the two new lovers over lunch. Later, the poor husband was found swinging at the end of a rope from his second story balcony. He could not cope with his wife's new relationship. Not exactly happy endings!
In the the two years that have passed since I got my news, I have read several stories, opinions and strategies. I have talked with friends, family, and clergy, for any help that I could find to save my family and keep my wife. I would rationalize that she had sex before we came together, so what's the problem. After losing much sleep, and thirty pounds, I dragged myself to the family doctor for a physical. He found nothing wrong and asked if there was something else that could be the cause of my suffering. I told him of my wife's affair, and he responded with, "So she's getting a little on the side, what's the problem?, just before I fired him and asked for another doctor.
Now I find myself broken, literally. I even purchased a new Harley so as to have more things to do together. The vacations, concerts, dinner nights, and also the second home in another state were not enough. Now, after a serious accident on the bike, I find myself emotionally, physically, and financially derailed. Bankruptcy is my only light at the end of the tunnel. Every day is a phony pretense that I'm over her affair, while I observe her wandering eyes while we're in public places. Her family and friends sold me out for a mere thirty pieces of silver. I use the biblical reference as a metaphor for the value placed on me after many years of "exclusive" devotion. Spending all that I could within my financial reach to make and keep her happy.
So no more reading for me! Revenge won't work without inviting legal troubles, so I am encouraged to take the high ground, and be a good man. And to that, I wonder....what woman is looking for a busted up fifty-eight year old bankrupt man to begin a relationship with?
My new motto is, marriage is a divorce that hasn't happened yet. So beware, husbands and wives alike, nothing is permanant, so keep a watchful eye on your mate, (and the neighbor), because ONE DAY WICKED, THIS WAY WILL CERTAINLY COME.