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Hi Maria,
I have been with my partner for 5 years, the first few were rocky as we were both young and didn't know what we wanted, but after all that we moved in together and got on great. He would still often act like a young boy going out not coming home, getting blind drunk etc but never thought he would cheat on me.
This year we were starting to get sick of each other, we started fighting more often and would never go a day without an argument. I am a very paranoid person with my own issues on self esteem and confidence to deal with and often accuse my partner of cheating etc. It wasn't till xmas day this year when he was acting shifty when i touched his phone and then i knew something was up, so that night I checked his phone and there was a message to a number saying nite nite bla bla bla. I confronted him and had big fight. I went to my mother's and he left.
He didn't contact me on boxing day, I never felt so stupid as that day, I was a wreck. The next day he eventually contacted me saying it was a stupid text, it didn't mean a thing and he hasn't physically cheated on me. Anyways we went away for few days and after this he sold his phone so I didn't need to worry about this, BUT he still had his work phone so a week later i looked through it and saw he was still contacting her on boxing day and day after when he didn't even bother to contact me. He said it was because he knew i wouldn't want anything to do with him. But he could have least tryed.
Its done with now and i decided to take him back and we are gonna try to work things out. I know he hasn't physically cheated but can't help feel so betrayed as i had a misscarage week before all this happened and he had given his number to some girl at the pub. I just feel so hurt and betrayed and cant get it out my mind, my stomach hurts every time I think of it.
I love him to bits and want to be with him. We are even moving away to get a fresh start with everything. How can I stop these feelings? Sometimes I wanna punch him in the face. I'm still not over this. Some people are saying finish it and some are saying its only texting, but i still feel horrid.
Any help please..... What can I do to trust him again...?
Extra points: I don't think he is a player or anything like this and when he used to stay out all night he would just be drinking all night with no girls there. I know he loves me so much and we want to make this work. Why do men do this for?
Also I have physically cheated about a year ago which my partner knows nothing about. It did not mean anything and i regret it soo soo much and dont know if this is why i am feeling like this.
Please help! How can i just stop thinking about this and move on...?
Thanks!
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear you are feeling hurt. I understand why you feel the pain. Even though your boyfriend did not physically cheat on you, it is painful to think he has been sending intimate message to another woman, wishing her good night etc. A person who's boyfriend has been cheating on her might say that your emotional reaction is exaggerated, since your boyfriend has not been cheating on you. However, emotional reactions are always individual and it is not constructive to try to compare the pain one person feels in a certain situation to the pain someone else feels in another situation. What matters is how one perceives the pain, and it is clear that you are feeling very unhappy and hurt due to what happened. That is a big enough reason to take action, which you have done by writing to me. I am glad you found my website and I wish my response will be helpful for you.
 Let me start by saying something that hopefully makes you feel better about the situation. Based on everything you say in your letter it sounds like you really have nothing to worry about regarding your boyfriend's loyalty. If you read other stories on this website you can see how badly people can treat their spouse and how dishonest and deceitful people can sometimes be. When compared to such people, it sounds like your boyfriend truly loves you and wishes to help you to get over this emotional pain.
You said you felt hurt to find out that your boyfriend sent messages to that other woman on Boxing day but not to you. I think you should not draw too fast conclusions because of that incident. Your boyfriend most likely felt as lonely as you did and texting that woman might have helped him to feel a bit better and may even have boosted his self esteem. You asked why men do this kind of a thing (send messages like this to other women). Often the reason is to boost their self esteem. It does not necessarily mean they are no longer in love with their current partner. Each situation is unique, and in your case based on the behavior of your boyfriend after this incident it seems you are the one he wants to be with, not this other girl. So most likely the reason he texted her was not that he was seeking any romantic involvement with her.
You said that some people are telling you should leave your boyfriend because of this. I would not listen to those people if I were you, sounds like they do not have much experience on human relationships. The people who tell you it was only a txt message sound like much more experienced persons in this area. Of course a lot depends on the details of the text message. You did not say what exactly he wrote, so I assume he did not write anything overly romantic to that woman. If that is the case, then I would not end a relationship over this incident.
It sounds like your boyfriend is doing everything he can to help you to get over what happened. Sounds like he truly loves you and cares for your happiness. It is such a valuable thing in this world to be together with someone who you love greatly and who loves you back and is being kind to you. Do not throw such a thing away because of couple text messages.
Read the stories of others on this website and you see how cruel people can be to their spouse. You have a good man who cares for you and who is not a player (according to your own words). You are lucky to have found love with this man. Do not let his small mistake to destroy the years to come. Do not allow yourself to become bitter over this small incident. Your boyfriend has shown you with his actions that you are the most important person to him. Actions speak. There is no reason why you should not allow yourself to trust him.
It is possible that you feel more suspicious and insecure because you have been cheating on your boyfriend yourself in the past. I am glad you said it clearly that you understand it was a mistake and you regret it very much. Your experience can help you to understand that sometimes people do foolish things even if they love their partner very much.
This is why I always say to people that if they truly love their spouse and if cheating occurred only one time and the cheater is truly sorry and wants to work to save the relationship, it is worth it to give the relationship a chance. The saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" is not always true. However, based on statistics it seems that phrase "several times a cheater, always a cheater" seems to be more accurate. This is why I often say that if cheating occurs again (or several times) one must think long and hard if it is worth it to remain together (let me emphasize that each situation is individual and that people can change if they truly want, however statistics seem to suggest that it is often difficult for a serial cheater to change his ways).
Dear Friend, your situation is nothing like the above, your boyfriend has not cheated on you and he has shown you in many ways that he loves you very much. Teach yourself to understand that your negative thoughts stem from your own insecurity and have nothing to do with the commitment of your boyfriend. When you understand this it helps you to silence the negative thoughts and to enjoy your relationship again to the fullest.
The most important thing to remember is that words are only words, but actions speak. Your boyfriend's actions tell that he loves your and wishes to share his life with you, not with someone else. Enjoy your life with your boyfriend and do not worry about the matters related to those text messages any more!
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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Stories - Cheating 
he actually never cheated..so...
I and my bf was coulped for 4 1/2 years. at 1st my parents againts our love but i stiil want him n after 4 years my parents agree for our love, i was so happy, i love my bf so much and after my parents agree oni i get to knw his true colour, he was acted that he is true to me but he was not. he realy make stupid with all sweet words. the 1st thing i got to knw about him was, i opened facebook with his name but didnt put his pic, i found it and it was him bcoz a read his wall post from his friend / etc. a girl post on his wall asking his age, place he is staying and he single or not, and he reply is still single and he post to that girl that the same @ 10p.m. he will chat wf her. wen i cal him around 9.50p.m, he talk to me few seconds and told me that he wanted to sleep, realy hurting. after a few days i told him ask him whether he has fb or nt, he start argue with me and fight but till tis second he neve admit. i jus 4get that i told him that i will trust him. June 2010 i found that he is having another girl, i jz cant take it, i gor that girl phone num and i ask him and that but both of them never admit at all, i beg to that girl but even she don understand me. but my bf wants me, i dono y i want me but chaeting me ( dono for money or cause im true to him). i realy suffered i cant take it, i never sleep peace from that second, even i took sleeping tablet aso i cant sleep, many days i never eat. y my bf makeuse of me, y he don value.he always tel me that no 1 will love him as much as i love him than y he chaet me, im crying so much cant share this to any1. i love him madly hw he got heart to cheat me. god is watching me crying and im sure that god will make him realize his mistake and make him love me truely from his heart. please sister help me & to everyone who is reading this please think me as yours sistr and pray for me, i want my bf to be true to after this, whatever happened is happened, i don want to knw anything bad about him anymore, i will die. and my bf agree to marry me and nw he is takling to me nicely but i cant trust him cause he cheated me but neve admit any of his mistake, im realy suffering. PLEASE HELP PLEASE PRAY FOR ME, I DONT TO CRY ANYMORE, I WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH MY BF, PLEASE PRAY FOR ME I BEG YOU ALL.