___________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.

____________

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your positive comments regarding my book, I am very glad to hear that it has been able to help you to recover. Often people are so blinded by their emotional pain that they get stuck on phase three of the healing process and are unable to move past it. The aim of the book is to help people to get over the emotional pain that is preventing them from moving on. When people are aware of the different phases of the recovery process they can observe their own feelings and behavior as "outsiders". This helps them to recognize certain emotional states and hence control their behavior better (for more information about the book, see page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism). It helps one to recover when one knows what to expect from the near future and that the painful emotions will pass.

Cheating is one of the worst tragedies one can face in life. When our beloved one betrays our trust the very foundations of our lives are shaken. The relationship with our Significant Other is the center piece of our lives and mutual trust forms the basis of that relationship. When that trust is compromised we feel as if we are losing control of our lives. The feeling of losing control is painful and it can also be frightening. We wish we could somehow change what has happened and return to the past, to the time when we were able to trust our spouse unconditionally.

Unfortunately it is not possible to return to the past. In order to heal we must accept that our relationship with our spouse will never be the same after cheating. However, this does not mean our relationship could not be saved or that our relationship will be worse after cheating. Many people say that they feel their relationship has improved after cheating. It is possible to get over cheating, however one must realize this requires work.

Dear Friend, you wrote that you are having hard time letting go of the images of the other woman. This feeling is very familiar to everyone who has been cheated on. If the lover of one's husband has a red hair, whenever one sees a woman with red hair on the street it reminds her of the Lover, the Lover reminds her of the affair and the memory of the affair triggers emotional pain. In order to recover one must break free of this negative cycle (for more information of this topic, see page Controlling emotions - Breaking the negative feedback cycle. I am also discussing this topic in more detail in my book).

It helps you to let go of your pain when you remind yourself that your husband chose to stay with you. Your husband knows how much pain his affair has caused you. You said your husband told you that if he could, he would change past. The cheated spouse is not the only one who suffers because of the betrayal. The cheater is forced to live with the knowledge that his or her behavior has severely hurt the person he or she loves. This can be very painful. Even though nothing justifies cheating, it is good to remember that the cheater is also strongly affected by what has happened. When cheating occurs in most cases there are no winners, only victims.

Even if the cheater has left the cheated spouse for the lover, the cheater still have to live with the knowledge that he or she is a dishonest person who chose to hurt others to achieve his or her own goals and personal pleasure. I have spoken with several people who have cheated on their spouse in the past. Most of these people say they feel very bad about what happened and that if they faced similar situation again the threshold for cheating would be considerably higher.

It is important to keep in mind that I am now talking about people with normal ability for empathy. Narcissistic people are often lacking the ability to feel empathy and hence they seldom regret cheating, instead they tend to somehow justify their actions to themselves and to their surroundings. This is one reason why it is often risky business to get involved with a narcissistic person. I elaborate more on this topic in the book.

Dear Friend, based on your letter it appears that your husband is not narcissistic, instead he seems to truly regret what he has done and appears to be doing his best to support you in the recovery process. You wrote that you appreciate his support and that at the moment you feel very good about your relationship. Considering the circumstances, your situation is ideal. The support of one's spouse is of crucial importance during the recovery period.

Please do not torment yourself by thinking of the other woman. As your husband says, she is no longer part of your lives. Let her disappear into past where she belongs. I understand that it is hard to block the painful images. Whenever a painful image enters your mind, remind yourself that your husband chose you. He gave in to an unexpected physical temptation when he started the affair, but in the end his love for you was stronger than that temptation. You chose to forgive him and as you said yourself it was worth it, since today you feel very good being with him.

Right now you need to be patient. Eventually the images of the other woman will lose their intensity as will the pain they inflict in your mind. There are many things you can do to speed up your recovery process. Some of these methods are the same ones that can help the brain to recover from depression. I recommend you to read this article of Training the Brain to learn more about the ways to help yourself to feel better. If you wish to read about psychological tools that one can use to improve the overall quality of one's relationship, visit page Using Psychological Tools to Influence Your Spouse - Tips and Information.

Dear Friend, thank you for sharing your story. It is very helpful for all those who are struggling with the pain caused by cheating to read about the experiences of others who are in a similar situation. It is encouraging to hear from people who have experienced cheating that the relationship can survive such a tragedy. Thank you again for posting your story.

Warm hug,
Maria

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it