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Hi Maria,
I am in desperate need of some advise. I have been reading your website all morning long. I need advice, help, something to help me get through the situation I am living right now. I have been married more than 10 years and have been with my husband since I was a teenager.
We have been through so many different things in our lives. In the military for several years, a deployment to the war when I was pregnant with my 2nd child, coming back home and being unemployed for months living at parents home for years before being able to get on our feet. Getting through school and having full time jobs with 3 kids. Too many tough situations. But we had managed them all.
We bought our home couple years ago and I was hired right after graduation. My job required training out of town which I did. It was a very tough situation but I managed. That year, after graduation, is the year I can remember we started having the problems.
At the beginning it was just the stress of no $ a new job, and a new home and no time for each other. Then we started with no communication, no intimacy and got used to the routine of it all. I remember having so many feelings and at times I wouldn’t tell him how I felt. And the worst was when I would seek him out and he would push me away. That was when I hit rock bottom. I was devastated. He would work so much and I would beg him for attention and cry for him to stay the night and he wouldn’t stay.
It got to the point where he would say he was working overtime and sometimes wouldn’t put in for that one hour or so on payday because he was too lazy to do so. I would ask myself who would do that? Where was he those times. I thought the worse. So I started going out alone almost every other weekend. With a friend and my family. It got to the point that he wouldn’t get mad because I would. I was so desperately looking for his attention and he wouldn’t give it to me.
I didn’t care anymore. I wanted to not care like he didn’t care for me so I started talking to this guy online. Then the messages turned into texting and finally we met about 3 or 4 times. the last time I met with him I had a horrible fight with my husband and I went to meet with my friend and I couldn’t stop. It was too late to stop because I was already in too deep in the sense of all the sexting that was done and the intimate pictures that I had sent him and all the scenarios that we had talked about, I had led him on so far. I felt obligated to carry on that night.
I stopped him halfway because I felt so wrong so horrible, but I was scared. Scared he would get mad at me because I didn’t want to go through with it. I was lucky because he understood me. He was a gentleman and we stopped. But I couldn’t deny it when my husband found all the texts and pictures that I had sent my friend already. The relationship lasted one month exactly. But when my husband found out it was the worst day of my life. Especially because I knew I was going to end it already and then he found out.
He saw everything. All the conversations all the pictures all the times I would talk bad about my husband. How I hated him and how I didn’t want to be with him. How I thought I was better off without him. How I wanted him to suffer because of all the pain he had caused me. I disrespected him and I was mean but at that time I was too blinded too hurt.
I am not trying to justify my mistake. I know I was a coward and I deserve everything he tells me because nothing will compare to the pain I caused him. I regret it so so much. I wish I could turn back time and change it all. But I can’t.
He forgave me. and we have tried so many times to get through this. We cried together fought and talked for hours and sometimes for days. We got pregnant 1 month after the affair. He even thought it was not his. But now he is more than sure my baby is his, he is exactly like him. I never had a doubt in my mind. After all I never went all the way with that guy.
I explained in detail what happened that night when I was with that other guy and why I did it. He had his moments but he has been having them lately and it’s getting worse. I feel it that way. I wish I can help him but I feel so worthless because I thought we were better. I thought we were doing great. Or at least we were getting through it. But he has his down moments and it’s those moments that crush me inside because he is hurting. And I caused his pain. He tells me how I messed all his world up and how I killed that image he once had of me. That he can never trust me again and that he doesn’t believe in anything that I tell him.
Since then I don’t have friends, I don’t go out, my world revolves around him, my kids and my work. I’m not complaining but I want him to see all that I am doing for him so that he can be at peace. I am so miserable and when we have these moments all I can think of is why did I? How could I? And at times I wish I wasn’t here and maybe all this suffering could stop.
We have kids and it’s hard to shake these feelings off when we get into these bad days. It gets to the point where we don’t speak to each other for days and all we do is go back and forth blaming each other. I try so hard but I sometimes think when will it be enough. I know I am being selfish because I caused this situation so I have to take it. I just need help. I need advise as to how can I do it without showing him I am tired of it or that I don’t want to try anymore.
I want to be here for him forever. But I hate when he pushes me away. It reminds me of those times. He does it because it’s hard for him to be with me and I understand but it hurts so so much. I am sorry. And that is all I can say. I try to get him out of that stage but it is very hard.
Please help. I am so desperate. I don’t know what else to do.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email. I understand how you are feeling. I know what you mean when you say you wish you could turn back the time and undo what has happened. Unfortunately we do not have such luxury in life. We are all bound to make all sorts of mistakes every now and then in our lives. No one is perfect. What counts is whether or not we are capable of learning of those mistakes. Often it happens that one makes a mistake and understands only afterward the full consequences of his or her actions. Unfortunately at that point it is often too late to change the course of events.
 However, when we are fully aware of the consequences of our actions, it is unlikely that we will repeat the same mistakes. This kind of a behavior is natural for humans. We are a species who tends to learn via experience. Nowadays we have evolved to the level where each individual no longer has to repeat same mistakes in order to learn, instead we can learn from the experiences of other people. This is one of the goals of this website: By sharing our experiences we are not only helping ourselves, we are also helping others who are in a similar situation.
Dear Friend, you made a mistake when you got involved with that other man, however that does not label you as a "bad person" for the rest of your life. I started to talk about the way we humans learn in order to show you that your situation is far from unique. Many people have made the same mistake before you and many will make it in the future. The reason why cheating is not even more common than it is now is because we have created a certain set of moral rules in our society. The purpose of these unwritten rules is to prevent unnecessary conflicts and suffering. A good example of moral rules is the incident of cheating. It is generally not acceptable to cheat in any society.
Let us think for a moment why such a "rule" was created in a first place. During the course of times people have slowly learned that cheating rarely has any positive outcome, instead it is hurting all the involved parties, along with innocent bystanders such as children and other relatives of the couple involved. In similar fashion as we have learned that it is not healthy to eat certain kinds of foods etc., the history has thought us that in a long run it is not worth it to cheat since the gain only rarely exceeds the losses. We humans have had the luxury of learning from the mistakes of our ancestors instead of repeating the same mistakes and learning solely via personal experience.
Dear Friend, I am mentioning the above points to show you that what happened to you is not something horrible that labels you for the rest of your life. What matters is how you will behave from now on, after you have realized how devastating experience cheating is not only for you but also for your husband. One of the aims of my website is to help people realize the damage cheating is causing to marriage before they make the crucial decisions. Based on your story it is clear that you wish to do everything you can to help your husband to recover. This shows you are a person with a good heart and that you have the ability to feel empathy. This is a good point to start to repair your marriage and restore the trust between you and your husband.
Why people end up cheating in their relationship?
Let us examine this question in more detail. Dear Friend, please be aware that in this chapter I am talking about cheating in general, not about your situation in particular. Please do not feel offended by any of the following points, remember that my aim is to help you, not to put you down. I am on your side, I wish that you and your husband are able to get through this difficult time. The aim of this chapter is to help people understand the nature of some of the factors that can lead to cheating. Having said this, let us now examine this matter in more detail (for more information about these topics, see page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism).
 Many different factors that can trigger cheating, however there is one factor that is obligatory in order for cheating to take place. This factor is the lack of respect towards one's partner. Let me explain what I mean with this statement (please remember that my aim is not to offend anyone). When one starts a secret affair, one is taking a very real risk that his or her actions will be exposed. If the exposure occurs, the consequences are devastating for the cheated spouse. In a very real sense a cheater is jeopardizing the happiness of his or her spouse in order to gain personal pleasure. Cheaters often come up with all sorts of excuses as to why they ended up cheating, however the basic fact remains: These people put their personal pleasure ahead of the happiness of their partner.
It is a bit similar situation when one is driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol: One does not only jeopardize oneself and ones health, one is also risking the health and life of innocent bystanders. When the accident occurs it is too late: The ignorance of the drunken driver has caused someone to lose a spouse, a child or a parent. There is no excuse for such an ignorance.
Often one learns from such mistake instantly: Most drunk drivers who end up killing someone never drive under the influence again. However, even though these people have changed their ways permanently after the occurrence of a lethal accident, they cannot erase the tragic memory for the rest of their life, nor can they bring back the person who lost his or her life because of their ignorance. Same is often true in case of people who end up cheating in a relationship. Only afterward they understand how extensive damage they have caused to their marriage while pursuing their own (often transient) pleasure.
Does the above mean that cheaters are permanently ignorant people who cannot change their ways? It does not. As I said, none of us is perfect. We all make mistakes in our lives. What counts is whether we are strong enough to admit that we made a mistake and humble enough to learn from our mistakes. If we are able to do this, our mistakes make us better persons and eventually help us to become better spouses, parents, friends etc.
Once a cheater, always a cheater?
This saying is absolutely not true. As I have pointed out in previous chapters, often people are not fully aware of the emotional consequences of cheating until they end up making the wrong decision. When they understand the extent of the emotional damage caused by their betrayal, these people often wish they never cheated in a first place. Consequently, their threshold of cheating has greatly increased and it is unlikely that they will do the same mistake again.
OBS! The above points apply to people who have a normal ability to experience empathy and who do not have strong narcissistic or selfish tendencies. A narcissistic and/or selfish person often behaves in a very different way. A narcissist is often unable to put himself or herself into the position of another person and hence does not feel that she or he has done anything wrong. The inability to feel the pain that his or her actions are causing to his or her spouse are the main reasons why a narcissistic person often ends up cheating again.
Dear Friend, based on your letter it seems quite clear that you are not a narcissistic person. You made a mistake and afterward realized how much pain your actions caused to your beloved one. It is clear that you are deeply regretting what you did and that you are not being ignorant when it comes to the pain of your husband. These are all very good signs. I am certain that you are very determined not to do the same mistake again. Having said this, let us now discuss how you can help yourself and your husband to get over this traumatic event and save your marriage.
How to get over cheating?
Let us consider this situation from the point of view of your husband. If you were in his position, what would best help you to get over this traumatic situation and restore your trust in your husband? The answer is simple: If you were somehow able to believe that despite what has happened your husband loves only you and he is determined not to betray your trust ever again. Furthermore, in order to recover you should somehow be able to explain to yourself why your husband betrayed you in a first place.
 When our beloved one is cheating on us it makes us question our own value. We are wondering what is wrong with us: Were we not beautiful, smart or pleasant enough in the eyes of our spouse because he or she became attracted to someone else? If we cannot get a satisfying answer as to why our spouse cheated on us, it is very difficult to regain the trust and believe that cheating does not occur again. This is why it is so important that the cheating spouse is completely open and honest regarding the reasons that led to the unfortunate event.
Dear Friend, you know the factors that led you to cheat on your husband. You said you were unsatisfied with your relationship and even suspected your husband was cheating on you. You were unhappy with the way your life was and so you got excited of this other person who you met online. It will help your husband to recover if he understands that you did not "fall in love" with this new man, but that instead he represented an "escape" from the boredom and routines of your (then) unsatisfying life. Your husband feels hurt because he thinks he was not able to satisfy your needs and hence you gave your emotional and physical affection to another man. Your husband needs to learn to see that your feelings towards this other man were never as strong as they were (and are) towards your husband and that what you felt was just a short-lived excitement, not even enough to make you "go all the way" with that other man.
Even if you can help your husband to understand that your love towards him is still strong despite what has happened, he will still feel hurt because of the fact that your love towards him did not prevent you from turning to another man. In situations like this it all comes down to the concept of "love" and "loving": When our beloved one is cheating on us, we feel the pain because we feel that cheating is a proof that our beloved one does not love us as strongly as we have thought. We feel that if he or she did love us strongly, cheating could not have occurred in a first place. It will help the recovery of the cheated spouse if he or she can understand that sometimes cheating can occur due to reasons other than the cheater falling in love with the secret lover.
As I mentioned earlier, cheating can sometimes represent an escape route from the boredom and routines of one's uneventful and unsatisfying life. Often only after cheating has occurred the cheater understands the true value of his or her seemingly "boring" life and marriage and deeply regrets his or her actions. This is the reason why cheating can sometimes strengthen the relationship: It makes one realize the true value of ones partner and makes one appreciate and respect one's partner more than before cheating took place. If you can help your husband to see that this is what has happened to you as a consequence of this unfortunate event, it will help him to recover faster. You need to help him to see and feel that this event has actually made you appreciate, respect and love him even more. This is the best way you can help him to recover and regain his trust in you. If you feel you are not able to get through to him yourself, I recommend you to go to see a counselor together to discuss these matters in more detail, concentrating on the positive outcomes of this unfortunate event instead of dwelling in the pain and hurt of the past.
Dear Friend, thank you for sharing your experiences. By doing so you are helping others who are struggling with similar issues. Based on your story it seems there is genuine love between you and your husband. If you both wish it, you have a good chance to get over this obstacle. I wish you are able to get through this. My thoughts are with you.
Please write to me anytime you wish. You are not alone. For more information about these topics, see page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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Stories - Cheating 
i cheated on my boyfriend and one minute he says he forgives be but when e gets mad he throws it in my face
i love him so much we have 2 kids together wat should i do?
emotionally like this was the same "love of your life?" NO YOU DIDN'T. I did the same and know God forgives me cuz I took him Back when could have been witth the real love of my life now. Now its a nasty divorce with kids n middle who dispise him to. It's called Emotional Domestic Violence now. Look that up online. Get yor self esteem back, u can have any man don't worry, u fessed up n God knows. Get away from this man he will not change. It will take time n ck into ure States DV program.
he actually never cheated..so...
I have been married to my husband for 9 years and we have 3 children together and 5 total. My daughter and his son. He is such a wonderful man and I love him greatly. We too have been through so much, but have always managed to get by.
My husband is has always been content just being a husband and a father, but not really wanted to have an adult social life. After grad school, I wanted to kind of go out and let my hair down. I started getting depressed, seeing a shrink, taking meds; I was looking for an outlet.
I met this guy who I was see while out and we had so much in common. I had an affair with him. He provided me with the financial support my husband couldn't and the social stimulation that my husband wouldn't.
My husband read a text that I sent to my cousin and found out about the affair. We are trying to get through it but it is so hard. He has good moments and bad moments too. He adored me, saw me as perfect; which was probably the biggest mistake he made because no one is perfect. Now, he will never see me the same way. It hurts so badly.
I think we will end up divorced. Maybe we have grown apart. I'm so confused and I'm hurt that I hurt him. We gotta be true to ourselves, I just dont know what that means for me anymore.