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Hi Maria,
I was reading your article and I was wondering if you could help me. I desperately need help. I had a very traumatic childhood and learned to deal with hardships by becoming numb. My parents lied a lot and as a result later in life I had a serious lying problem. I am in school right now and becoming a better person, but I dated someone that I love dearly and lied to him a lot about my past, so he felt like he never knew me.
I also had sex with a lot of people when I was younger due to poor self esteem and abandonment by my father several times. My boyfriend (ex now) doesn't like the fact that I had sex with so many people and feels it cheapens our relationship. I cheated on him twice, two continual affairs. I lied to him and betrayed him to the most extreme degree. After I became un-numb I realized what I'd done and felt horrible despair and guilt since then. I know I couldn't cheat again, ever, since I have had therapy and stopped becoming numb and am working on my lying problem. I cheated because I didn't have access to thoughts that normally make people feel guilty - I felt 100% numb.
After a break, do you think there's any chance of recovery for the relationship? He doesn't hate me and knows my problems intimately from childhood. He understands. But he doesn't have feelings for me as much as he used to. Sometimes he loves me, but sometimes he feels the closeness is gone and the bond is broken.
He also knows that it's partially his fault since when we started our relationship he was still married and in the process of deciding to stay with his wife or leave her after she'd been dating someone for many months. This is what made me so numb, because I was hurt when I had to wait for him and be #2 in line.
Is there any chance of repair or should I give up?
Thank you.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for sharing your story. By doing so you are helping others who are struggling with similar issues in their lives. It is important to know that we are not alone with our problems. It takes a lot of courage to admit one's mistakes as openly as you have done. Regardless of what happens with you and your (ex) boyfriend, you can congratulate yourself for being as strong as you have been. You mentioned that you have been going to therapy and have been working hard on your issues. It takes courage to do these things. You can feel proud of yourself with a good reason.
If you wish to read about psychological tools that one can use to maintain love and commitment between a couple and to improve the overall quality of one's relationship, visit page Using Psychological Tools to Influence Your Spouse - Tips and Information. If you wish to understand better what your boyfriend is currently going through, please visit page How to Get Over Cheating.
I understand well that you feel bad about what has happened. As you said yourself, your past childhood experiences have most likely influenced your adult behavior (tendency to lie etc). The most important thing is that you have understood the reasons that led you to being dishonest with your boyfriend. Regardless of whether you return together with your boyfriend or not, from now on the overall quality of your life will start to improve. Our mistakes are our best teachers.
 You wondered if it is possible to resume the relationship with your ex boyfriend. Let us for a moment think about the situation from his point of view. We fall in love with the image we create of the other person. The accuracy of this image depends on how well we know the person before we fall in love with him or her. If we have been friends before falling in love and hence know the person well, it is unlikely that the image we have of the person is very incorrect.
However, if we fall in love with someone on the first sight, we do not yet know the person well and hence the image we form of this person tends to be "ideal" instead of being realistic. As time goes by we slowly learn to see how the target of our love really is like (this is what often happens with narcissistic people). At this point we need to decide if this person is someone we truly wish to spend our life with. You wrote that your boyfriend says he feels he does not know you because of the lies you told him about your past. This is true: His image of you was altered when he learned the truth of your past. The question is can he integrate the new image of you into his view of you and him as a couple.
Those of us who have been involved with a narcissistic person know how hard it is to accept that the person we love so deeply is in fact nothing we though he or she was. Dear Friend, your situation is quite different: You are aware of the mistakes you have made and you have taken action to alter your behavior in the future. Most narcissistic people are not capable of seeing any fault in themselves and hence often do not seek help. Between the lines of your letter I get a feeling that you are not this kind of a person, instead you are a caring person who has had an unideal childhood but who has learned from her mistakes.
As I have said elsewhere on this website, we all make all sorts of mistakes in our lives, no one is flawless. What counts is what we do when we realize we have done something wrong. You have taken the first (and the most difficult) step by admitting your mistake to yourself and to your boyfriend. it is very good that instead of coming up with excuses you have targeted the root of the problem and sought help. I believe that if you faced a similar situation now, you would not betray the trust of your boyfriend again. Please do not blame yourself excessively of past events. You have done the best you can in this situation. You made a mistake, realized it and took action to solve your problems. You could not have done anything more in this situation. You cannot change the past. Do not torment yourself with excessive quilt, it is time to look forward.
You wondered if you should keep your hopes alive regarding a possible reunion with your ex boyfriend. Unfortunately in this situation the decision of getting back together is more your boyfriend's than yours. Your ex boyfriend needs to evaluate his own feelings and decide if he wishes to be together with you now when his image of you has been altered. This is something he needs to decide alone. You can let him know how you feel about the matters now and how you nowadays resemble more that initial image your boyfriend had of you, but you cannot force him to return to you if he feels the image has been altered too much. We all know that love cannot be forced: We do not choose to fall in love with a particular person, nor can we choose to stop loving someone. These matters are not controlled by will. If love simply ends, there is not much we can do to fix the situation.
 It sounds like your ex boyfriend is being honest about his feelings instead of misleading you. It is unfortunate that often people do not talk about their feelings and problems until it is too late. Many people remain quiet until they suddenly announce they wish to end the relationship because they no longer love their spouse. In this situation the spouse often feels offended because he or she was not given the opportunity to work on the problems together.
Your boyfriend is being open about his feelings, both positive and negative. Regardless of what the outcome is, it is a very good thing that the two of you can communicate as openly and honestly as this.
You asked if there is a chance to resume and repair the relationship or should you just give up. There is no straightforward answer to this question. If you feel you still love your boyfriend strongly and you wish to give the relationship another change, I recommend you to give your boyfriend a bit more time and observe how the situation develops.
I am sure you can understand what your boyfriend has been going through if you put yourself into his position: Imagine if he told you that he cheated on you with two separate women and additionally that he has been lying to you about his past. I believe the primary feeling you would have is "I love this man, but how can I ever again trust him?". This is the question your boyfriend most likely faced when he found out about your betrayal. Most likely he is still in the middle of processing this new information and this is why his emotions appear to be fluctuating. It takes long time to adjust to such a situation. You need to give him time.
It is not possible to know what will happen in the future. However if your boyfriend can truly believe that you have changed and if his feelings towards you are still strong enough to resume a romantic relationship, it is not an impossible scenario that the two of you might restart your relationship. I recommend you to discuss this matter openly with your boyfriend. Tell him how you feel and that if he feels there is a chance the two of you could resume the relationship, you are willing to give him the time that he needs to recover. However, if he feels he can no longer resume a relationship with you, ask him to be open and honest about it instead of keeping you waiting.
It sounds like your ex boyfriend is a kind and understanding person. The best thing you can do is to be honest regarding your emotions. If he tells you he does not wish to get back together, you need to accept his decision and to move on. If he tells you this, I do not recommend you to wait around for him to change his mind, for most likely he is being honest about his feelings and you would only end up wasting your precious years pursuing something that no longer exists. Dear Friend, I do not wish that would happen to you.
Please read this reply I posted to another person who is in a bit similar situation as you. The points I mention in my reply to her are relevant also in your situation: I Cheated on My Husband - How Can I Help Him to Recover?
Thank you again for sharing your story. My thoughts are with you. Please write to me anytime you wish. I will be here for you. You are not alone. To read more about these topics, visit page Healing after Cheating and Narcissism.
Warm hug,
Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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he actually never cheated..so...