I am 9 months pregnant and recently found out my husband cheated on me while on a family vacation, that I did not attend. Him and his lover planned to meet and got a hotel for several days. Even after the affair, he kept in contact with her for several months, while in abroad.
She finally contacted me and told me everything!! She sent me email, picture of the several days they spent at hotel... and when confronted he finally told me the truth. He comes back from abroad next week, wants to renew our vowels, and start all over. But I don't know how I can forgive, and get over this.
I find myself thinking of this everyday, and as hard as I try to forget, I feel depressed!! I wake up in the middle of the night images in my head ... I don't know if he really loves me, I feel like it will never be right. We have only been married 2 years, and he has been talking to her for so many months ...
Help me please ...
The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
Thank you for your letter. I am so sorry to hear about your pain, I understand how hurt you must be feeling right now after learning about your husband's betrayal, especially when you are just about to have a child. You said you feel depressed and keep waking up at night, images of them in your head. I recommend that you visit my other support website at www.brain-depression.com, there you find some articles that I believe will be helpful for you.
Dear Friend, I know you are hurting so much right now and are wondering what will happen to your marriage. You said you have only been married for 2 years and your husband has been talking to this other woman almost the entire time when you were pregnant. You are also wondering if he loves you in a first place. He told you that he wants to stay with you and is not planning to leave you for this other woman. If he did not care for you, he would most likely not wish to remain married to you. You need to ask your husband what was the ultimate reason he got involved with this other woman, only when you know why this happened you can judge whether you want to stay with him or not. Only after making that decision you can truly start the recovery process. To read more about the different phases of the recovery process after cheating, visit page How to Get Over Cheating.
How to get over the betrayal
There can be many reasons why people cheat; sometimes one simply makes a horrible misjudgment and is genuinely sorry afterwards. It is often easier for the cheated spouse to forgive the betrayal when there is no emotional connection involved. However, if cheating has occurred for a period of several months (or even longer), the situation is very different when compared to a so-called one-night stand, and it is often much harder to forgive the betrayal.
You are not mentioning if your husband's affair lasted only those couple days or if the communication between him and this other woman was romantic also when he was working abroad. If your husband wants to continue the marriage, as you said he does, he needs to tell you openly what was the motivation for the affair a why he kept communicating with this woman also afterwards, if his intention was not to leave you for her. Only when you know (more or less) why he did what he did, you can judge whether you want to stay with him or not and then start your healing process.
You are the one who knows your husband the best, and once you hear his side of the story, you must make the judgment of whether you believe his explanation is honest or not. A so-called "gut feeling" is often quite powerful tool when it comes to matters like this. Also, your husband told you he wants to stay together with you, so if you make him understand that the best way to help you to regain your trust in him is if he is being totally hones with you, he is more likely to comply and tell the truth as to why he did what he did.
You said your husband wants to stay together and get over this. What you need to decide is what you want. Right now you are still in shock, so I do not advise you to make any fast decisions. At this moment you need to concentrate on your child who will soon be here. If you read articles on my other support website (www.brain-depression.com) you will see that it is very natural to feel depressed in this kind of a situation and learn more about how you can best help yourself to heal.
It is not uncommon for women to develop a condition called postpartum depression after giving birth. It is not known what exactly triggers this condition, however scientists believe that some people are more prone to develop this type of depression than others, most likely due to genetic tendency. If you are already depressed due to the matters related to your husband's betrayal and if your physiology is such that you are in a risk group of developing postpartum depression, there is a danger that you might become even more depressed after your child is born. One typical sign of depression is interrupted sleep pattern (to read more about other signs and symptoms, see my other support website). It is very important that you do not allow your condition to become worse. If your husband truly cares for you, he will help you and support you any way he can during your recovery process.
The importance of talking to a counselor
I strongly recommend you to contact a counselor and go to talk about your situation in more detail. I recommend that you go first alone and tell your side of the story, and then later if you feel like it you can go together with your husband. If you go alone at first, you can share your thoughts with the counselor more openly than you can do if your husband is sitting right next to you (of course later on if you go to counseling together, you need to share your thoughts with and in front of your husband for that is the whole point of the counseling. However, because this situation is so painful for you I feel you benefit the most if you go alone at first). If you have a chance, try to go to meet a counselor before your husband returns home, but if you cannot go before that, then try to go as soon as possible after that.
I am talking so strongly on behalf of going to see a counselor, because it is important that you are able to talk about your feelings with an outsider who has no connection to your husband and you. If you process your emotions only with your friends and your relatives, you are likely to get warm emotional support, however often people who are in your situation feel their friends and relatives are "automatically" on their side, and hence their opinions can be biased.
Additionally, a professional counselor can help you to see some sides of this situation that you have not been considering yet. A professional is dealing with cases like this on daily basis and so they know exactly what kind of an emotional storm is going on in your head right now, they are able to ask the right questions and best advise you how to move on. (Obs! This does not mean one should not talk to family and beloved ones about one's painful emotions, it is absolutely recommended and wise. However, in addition to that it is important to seek also professional help in situations like this).
Dear Friend, let me say this one more time: It is very natural to feel depressed after experiencing something like this. You need to give yourself time to heal. If your husband truly cares for you and is committed to make your marriage work, you have a good chance to get over this and regain your trust in him. The best thing you can do right now is to go to talk to a professional; after hearing all the details of your situation face-to-face, a counselor can give you more concrete advise as to how to move on.
Please write to me anytime you wish, I will help you any way I can. Remember that you are not alone. To read about experiences of people who are facing similar problems, please see section Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity. To read more about general issues related to infidelity, please section Cheating and Infidelity.
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to