I have been reading some of your stories on this great website and the stories have really helped me out, however I need help about my story!
So here it is, my boyfriend and I have been together for several years now and the first couple years were great. Then for some reason I started to get jealous and I find it difficult to trust him. I don't know why but now I have lost my confidence and our relationship is very rocky.
So I wanted to know why I didn't trust him and why I'm feeling so jealous, so I decided to check his phone and Facebook. I know this is wrong and its made everything 100 times worse in my head but I found out that he wasn't exactly being a good boy. He was talking to an ex girlfriend on his phone about the great sex that they use to have and he was calling her beautiful and he wants her etc. Then I went on his Facebook and he talks to one girl quite a lot, as in every other day telling her that he wants to see her and sends her love songs and poems about how he misses her laugh and eyes etc. What the hell is going on??? Is this cheating?? My boyfriend is from another country and these girls live there so he only goes back for a short time every year. So has he been cheating on me during that short time every year???
So I told him that I had seen the messages on his phone and he wasn't really that angry. Does he care?? He said that he was very stupid and it was in the past and nothing happens while he has been with me. I asked him if he has cheated on me and he says no and for some reason I believe him. I told him I need time to think and he was ok with that and said he will give me as much time as I need, he just wants me to be happy. He was very upset, saying sorry a lot, saying don't leave me and he loves me of course!! Guilty??
Anyway, I believe he hasn't cheated on me so I told him that he has one chance and he needs to take this relationship seriously and stop sending stupid messages to other girls. Will he listen? What happens if he sends more messages like that again…end it??
Its been a couple of weeks and I'm still so upset, I swear I don't have any more tears to cry. Will this change or just get worse? I don't understand, when we are together its perfect and I’m so happy with him but I feel as soon as i turn around he’s off telling girls the same thing he tells me. When I’m with him I want to stay together but when I leave him I want to finish it. I have to move out of my house this week and I cant decide whether to live with him or not, its make or break!!
Is it all in my head?
Will I trust him again?
How do you stop feeling jealous? This is so not me!
The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
Thank you for your letter. I understand how you feel. You asked "is it all in my head". Absolutely not, your feeling in this situation is perfectly normal, everyone who loves their partner would feel the same way after finding our about such things (for more information, please read this article about the recovery process after cheating: How to get over cheating).
After finding out that your boyfriend has been saying such things to other women you were forced to change the image you had of your relationship. This is part of the reason why you now feel so hurt; you had a certain kind of image of your relationship, and that image did not include the possibility of your boyfriend talking this way to other women. Now when you found out that the relationship is not exactly the way you imagined, it is painful to let go of the old "ideal" image. I wanted to say this, because in the end of your letter you wrote: "this is so not me"; I wanted to remind you that you feeling is very natural, and that if you did not feel hurt, insecure and jealous after something like this, that would mean you do not truly love for your boyfriend.
You wrote "… every other day telling her that he wants to see her and sends her love songs and poems about how he misses her laugh and eyes etc." You were wondering is this cheating. What counts as cheating can vary from one person to another. What is important is that both you and your boyfriend know what counts as a betrayal in your relationship.
I do not know your boyfriend, so it is difficult to know what was the true motivation behind him doing this kind of thing. It is possible that he finds "secret" communication with other girls exciting, or alternatively he is truly attracted to this other girl ( whom he sends poems etc) and wants to get to know her better. Of course, from your point of view both options are quite unpleasant, and certainly not acceptable in most relationships. I say in most relationships, because the definition of what is acceptable behavior in a relationship depends on where each couple together chooses to draw the line. Some people allow their partners to flirt with others quite openly without feeling insulted, while others feel very hurt and insecure if their partner is showing too much attention to someone else. The most important thing is that both parties in a relationship are aware what the rules are.
You said you had a "strange feeling" and that was why you decided to check your boyfriend's phone and Facebook. You also said you asked your boyfriend if he has been cheating on you and he responded "no", and you believe him. We humans have quite sensitive observational skills (often much more sensitive than we realize), especially when it comes to our significant other; many people who have caught their partner cheating have said they started to have an unexplained feeling that something was not right, and when they started to dig deeper, they discovered their partner was doing things behind their back. It is important to keep in mind that "gut feeling" doesn't always indicate betrayal: sometimes (especially if there is not enough trust in the relationship) one can start to feel jealous without any real reason, even if one's partner is not doing anything behind one's back). Having said this, in many situations the "gut feeling" often turns out to be correct.
You said that you had a feeling something was going on, and when you went to check your boyfriend's Facebook and phone, you discovered he had been talking to these other women. Because your intuition was right about this matter, it is quite possible that your intuition is also correct regarding the fact that he has not yet physically cheated on you.
So the question remains has be been cheating on your emotionally. Based on your description, many people would say yes, as this is not the way most people would wish their beloved ones to behave. You said your boyfriend said he is sorry for what happened and that it was a stupid mistake, so he appears to understand he has done something inappropriate. In order to know what to do regarding your relationship, you need to consider why exactly he did what he did. After that it is easier to decide how you wish to proceed.
Regarding the possible reasons why he did this: some people seem to feel that it is alright to have this sorts of "secret" discussions on Facebook and other social media as long as their partner does not find out about it (obs! I am not saying your boyfriend thinks like this, I do not know him in person so there is no way for me to know what was his motivation, all I am saying is that there are people out there who tend to think like this). They feel that if they do not want to break up with their current partner, their partner is not "threatened" by their secret conversations and hence there is no harm in engaging in such interaction, especially if they can keep it hidden. They seem to think that their chats are just innocent fun that doesn't harm their beloved ones as long as they don't know about it.
The problem with this sort of reasoning is that when one starts to play this kind of game of secrecy, one takes a conscious risk that one's partner finds out at some point and consequently will become extremely unhappy. In worst case finding out about something like this will cause one to lose trust permanently, which will eventually lead to the destruction of the relationship. Often people who do this sorts of things behind their partner's back are very sorry about it after they realize how much damage they have caused to their relationship, and wish they could go back in time and undo what they did. Unfortunately this is not possible, however the positive thing is that people like this (the ones who are genuinely sorry about what they have done, and who don't wish to end their relationship) often learn their lesson and in the future are very careful not to take foolish risks that can endanger their relationship.
Dear Friend, I understand how hurt you felt when you read about your boyfriend's conversations with his ex girlfriend. One important aspect of being in a relationship is that we feel we share certain intimate things exclusively with our partner. Talking about sex with ex is very intimate, and it is very natural that you feel hurt after hearing about it. Your boyfriend might talk like this simply due to the excitement of having "secret" intimate conversations with his ex (it might also boost his self-esteem), and not because he would actually want to resume relationship with his ex. But still, even if this was the case, many consider it is not appropriate to have this sorts of discussions with one's ex.
You said you love your boyfriend, but cannot trust him. I was once in a very similar situation; I felt I loved my partner, but he had kept things from me and I could no longer trust him. It takes a lot of time to rebuild a broken trust, and if there are also other problems in the relationship (as was the case in my situation), it is even harder to regain a comfortable feeling with one's partner. If everything else is well in your relationship, and you feel it is worth it to fight for it (as I understood from your letter), I warmly recommend you to go to see a professional counselor either together with your boyfriend, or if he is reluctant to go, then just go by yourself. I believe it would be helpful for you to be able to talk about your painful feelings to someone who is neutral, and who, after hearing about your situation in detail, can give you new insights as to how you can rebuild the trust, and also how your boyfriend can help you regain your happiness.
Dear Friend, gut feeling is a powerful tool that has already helped you a lot. If I were you, I would trust my intuition while contemplating what to do with your relationship. You know your boyfriend the best: I am sure you have some sort of "sense" of whether he truly loves you. If you feel he does not love you back as much as you love him, then you need to consider if you are willing to stay with him and take a risk that something similar might happen in the future (of course it is also possible that nothing like this ever happens again). Love is the best tool to prevent infidelity: if one is truly in love, it is quite difficult to pursue anyone else. Consequently, if one is not truly in love, it is easier to keep looking around, and perhaps even act on it should opportunities arise.
You need to trust your instincts regarding the depth of your boyfriend's love towards you: if you feel it is strong, then definitely it is not in vain to try to make the relationship work again. But if your gut feeling tells you his heart is no longer completely yours, then you need to consider more carefully what is the best thing to do.
If you do decide to remain together and try to mend the relationship, it is definitely possible to regain trust and eventually be happy again. But you need to be prepared for it that it will take time, not just weeks, but months, (sometimes even years, depending on the depth of the betrayal), before you have fully recovered and convinced yourself that he will not do similar things again. And if something similar does happen during this recovery period, it will make the recovery much more difficult. For more information about this topic, please read this article about the recovery process after cheating: How to get over cheating.
Dear Friend, if your boyfriend is sincere when he says that he made a mistake, and if you both truly love each other, you will get over this together. Trust your gut feeling. Please write to me anytime you feel like it, I wish to help you any way I can.
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to