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Dear Maria,
Yesterday I found out (proof on paper) that my husband has been searching for extra-marital affairs online. I'm hurting tremendously and I'm in a unique situation that makes it harder.
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years, together for 8. Most things in our life seemed perfect- in the process of buying a house, just opened our own business, and of course our perfect 18-month old son we have together. So much going on at one time, but our personal lives were thriving, so it seemed. I have been on the verge of depression, however, due to problems at work. Bad coworkers and bosses, with bad relationships getting worse, and making my life absolutely miserable. I knew that if I found something out like this about my husband, that might be it for me. Then it happened. Sure enough, he had been searching for quick encounters with strangers. Just recently, he searched for someone on craigslist and set up an "appointment" while he was out of town (only an hour away) doing business.
I found the proof yesterday and I'm totally sickened, hurt, depressed, and just destroyed from the inside out. He of course is denying that anything happened, but had to admit to the searching since I found the proof. He will not admit to the actual encounter, which apparently I'll never know the truth. What I do know is that he has been interested in an extra-marital affair, and to me, that's all I need to know. If he wanted it at any point in time, he'll want it again, right? How am I supposed to ever trust him again? The thought of him ever touching me again makes me sick. Last night I cried to him about my feelings, wouldn't let him near me, and we slept separately. Is this how it's going to be? I don't know how to survive this. ( Click the link below to read the rest of this story).
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.
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Dear Friend,
First of all, I wish you will excuse me for possible mistakes in my grammar, I am European and English is not my native tongue. If you wish, you can read more about my background from page Site Overview. Those of you who would like to send your own story to me to get support during a difficult time in your life, please go to page Personal Stories: Cheating and Infidelity Information to get instructions of how to send your story.

Dear Friend, I really feel for you. I know exactly how much you are suffering right now. I remember very well that sick feeling in stomach when I was thinking about matters related to my spouse's lying and cheating. I felt as if the whole world suddenly turned colorless. I felt I was standing at a crossroad, and no matter which way I chose, I knew I would feel depressed and miserable. If I would stay with him, I would be unhappy because I could never forget certain things he had done and I knew I could never fully trust him again. On the other hand, I knew that if I would leave my spouse, I would be unhappy and depressed because I loved him very strongly.
It was incredibly painful to realize that no matter what I did, no matter which way I chose, I could not "win". I recommend you read this article of Cheating and Brain, it will help you to put things into perspective and understand why you feel the way you do right now. Understanding the basis of your painful emotions will speed up your healing process.
I did a lot of self-analyzing and finally I realized that if I did not somehow help my brain to learn new ways of processing these matters (meaning the depressing and painful thoughts related to negative memories of my spouse's dishonesty), I would end up being not only alone but also bitter due to the disappointments I had faced in my relationship. I decided not to let that happen, and so I started a process of teaching my brain new ways to cope in this kind of a depressing situation.
Before elaborating more on this topic, let me emphasize this: No one should accept this kind of a behavior from their spouse. You should not do it either. What your husband did was simply wrong. I wish to emphasize that in the following chapters I am describing how you can deal with your painful emotions, I am NOT saying you should accept this kind of behavior. If your husband keeps behaving this way on regular basis, there is no question what you should do: Of course you should remove yourself from this person who is not treating you with respect.
Regardless of what you decide to do, you still face the same challenge of dealing with your painful emotions. The purpose of the following chapters is to help you in this process, NOT to help you to learn to survive while being in a relationship with a person who keeps misbehaving. That would only lead to unhappiness and depression and I cannot recommend that kind of a life for anyone.
IN the end I could not accept the disrespectful, dishonest and abusive behavior of my spouse and I made decision to leave him, but the training of this new way of thinking spared me from bitterness for years to come and helped me to recover faster after the separation. I did not have to think there was something wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with you either, always remember this. Your husband made his decisions on his own.
If you wish to read more about the recovery process after cheating, please visit page Healing after Cheating. I am describing these issues in more detail elsewhere on this website, but for now I wish to emphasize one very important point. When I was processing my painful emotions, it was helpful for me to stop thinking about my own misery for a moment and instead think about situation from the point of view of my spouse. In a way I detached myself from the situation and looked at the big picture as an outsider. I tried to put myself in my spouse's shoes and understand what was going on in his mind when he did what he did, when he lied and got romantic with other women. Did he love me or care for me at all, since he was capable of lying and cheating? (Click the link below to read the rest of this reply).
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Dear Friend, thank you for your email. Please trust me: You WILL get through this!
- Maria
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