I've been on narcissitic websitesa lot he past two wks tryng to find some peace and comfort with my relationship struggle. My now ex boyfriend n I were together abt 2 yrs until he just completely discarded me from his life. Also lashed out at me in differenet ways. Can anybody help I have lots of questions? And willing to state my story..

Well I have lived the last 23 years involved in relationships....yes that is plural, with these kind of men. I wasarried at 18 and divorced when I was 24 and during that marriage I had 2 boys. I then got married again to another and had my daughter. That one lasted for 6 years. I met another perfect man and was with him for a year and in that year I suffered broken ribs, internal bleeding, dislocated jaw and many trips in and out of safe houses and hospitals and I still married him. Being the stubborn type I remarried again and yet to another one. That one lasted a year. Not without the rages and abuse Though. As I got older my tolerance became shorter and shorter and I just didn't have it in me to put up with anymore. I stayed alone for 3 years thinking I was better and could handle thongs avian. Well that proved to make me feel worse about myself because that one failed too. Only this time he went after my daughter.... Not a good idea because I had little fuse left for abuse and I went crazy on him. Needless to say that only lasted a year too.

I ended up with a guy who was great in everyday except telling the truth. I looked past though because at least he never called me names or made me feel stupid or unimportant so I stayed. Then I became pregnant again after being told I could not have children. I lost the baby and it took a toll on me to say the least. I moved to the East coast to meet a friend I went to high school with. He was someone I could trust and rely on...after all, I had known him for 20 years. Wrong again!!!!!! He had to be the worst yet!

So after my apartment was broke into and I was brutally raped and beaten I called on him to help. He was awful, saying I cheated on him and that he didn't want to share me with anyone and that I must have let him in. Telling me that anyone who crosses will die. Then I found out he was still married.

While running and in hiding I found another job and yet another asshole. Only this time I was ready for anything and anyone. I was tuff, mean and hard and didn't want a relationship. I was out to use and abuse. That didn't work and I fell in love. He was the same as the rest but better and worse.

Now to explain so I don't sound totally crazy, I was 18 and my dad died 4 years earlier. I hated the small towns where I grew up and wanted the city life. I guess I was trying to run from the hurt of my dad dieing. I was soon married and happy with a beautiful family. Except one thing... I couldn't make my young husband love me. I was recruited in to be a Miller Lite girl and was offered modeling jobs in southern California. I didn't dare take them though because my husband would have killed me. Then I found out about his third affair and 4 th child during our marriage.

I fell I love in love with another man from our home town and wouldn't let him meet my boys for 6 months because I didn't want to hurt them if this relationship didn't work. Well I lived with him for a year and we were married. We had my daughter and things just fell apart. He would no longer be intimate with me and told me it made him sick to be with me after seeing our daughter born. We didn't have sex for a year. He ended up being diagnosed as bipolar and was displaying some abuse towards the kids and telling me all the time how he sacrificed everything fore and my kids and that he wasn't sure if he was ever in love with me. Then public displays of the abuse towards me started. The first being at my 10 year class reunion, he screamed at me across the dance floor and told me he was going to kick my ass because I wasn't paying enough attention to him. I left soon after.

I had to find work and had to be away from my children a lot. They are my life and my soul and it killed me slowly being away from them. I became dark and empty and lost except when I was with them. But by now the two ex's had formed an aliance against me and I found myself fighting two custody battles at the same time and all the while my brother had committed suicide experienced my first rape and bills and no child support while going to court and taking care of my children. And I'm proud to say I didn't turn to alcohol or drugs or even anti depressants. I would barely take Tylenol. Oh and did I mention while this was going on my oldest had to near fatal asthma attacks and was in and out of the hospitals and I found out my middle boy was borderline autistic. All was alot to go through at 28-29. I looked for love and peace anywhere and that's when I fell into the arms of the 3rd one. I just wanted to feel safe and have somewhere I belonged and I chose him. He too beat me and mentally abused me and is the one that put me on the hospital. The D.A. Of Denver called my mom and told her how bad things were and it wasn't until then that I was welcomed to go home. My mom told me what a horrible mother I was for being away from my kids so much. I was working 18 hour shifts 3 days a week and the other four I flew back to be with my kids. I was running on no sleep, no money, working what I could, taking care of my I'll children that all had special needs and I was being beat.

Still I did not turn to drugs or alcohol or pills but did go to a lot of councillor. I was told I was spycho by the men I had been with and through counseling I had found out that I am extremely strong and courageous and not a damn thing wrong with my head. Intact I was diagnosed with clinical depression that was it. I actually was hoping they would tell me there was something wrong so I would know why I had messes up so many things in my life.

Well it did turn out that I have post traumatic stress and that came out with the last beating I took from the 3rd. I empowered myself, not suggesting it though, when I knocked the hell out of the bastard when I thought that he was gonna kill me and take my childrens mom from them. I went into what they call fight or flight. He ended up in jail for a year and had to have reconstructive face surgery. That's when I was welcomed back home. No one new what I was going through because I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone and most didn't believe me. I still fightthat to this day. My story is so unbelievable I carry my hospital and police reports from my whole life in a file box with me just to prove it's the truth to people who doubt. And believe me every man I have been with doubts and belittles me and tells me my life is made up.

The only difference is now I spot those bastards a lot sooner or get out before it gets too bad. With a couple exceptions...the last two. No I didn't marry all of them but keep picking the same man in a different skin. The married one was the worse. He hit me but this time I covered myself. It all ended up in court with hhis wife and a very large sum of money had been hidden in offshore accounts. Needless to say I had beautiful clothes and penthouse on the 24th floor and mingled in the same places as the NFL players and very rich. Was taken all over wined and dined at the most exotic places and hated it. I wasn't allowed to see my daughter or talk to friends. He had several other women he was doing the same for. But I recorded conversations and again got police reports due to him hitting and calling names. Blah blah blah same ole same ole. I made the trek back home and again being alone and no money. Which led to the last guy. Only he only got by with calling me names for 7 months and packed my shit in the middle of the night and fled.....again.

Now here I am in my own apartment....no damn man, great friends and my daughter. I couldn't be happier but any man that gets close to me I'm scared of I dont want anyone to close to me. I sit alone most of the time and think how I'm going to get out of all the debt I'm in with no job. But that stress is better than being abused any day.

This is the first time I have told my story and I have only sraped the tip of what I have lived. But I have to say it feels good. I'm sure it's hard to believe that all this happened but it did and then some. And I can still say I'm not an alcoholic, drug addict, I don't pop pills, I haven't hurt anyone and I still have a clean bill of health.

Thanks for reading if you took the time. God bless each and everyone of you. My prayerS are with us all......you are a survivor too....we all are

I apologize for all the grammar and spelling errors.....I am typing on my IPod and it's not that easy to proof .... Lol I really am educated lol

I am one year out from being married to a narcissist. I didn't realize he was one until I went to a work counselor after some very abusive behavior on his part. It was the story I've since read over and over, the dream come true man. I had been divorced for 12 years prior to meeting him and had essentially raised two sons on my own. I was primed and ready for a night in shining armor. He was at the beginning. I had never had a man give me that much attention, I was quickly sucked in. I had some red flags, short tempers and such but by the time I was deeply involved it was like I was on a runaway train and he was the conductor. He encouraged me to move in with him. We would sale my house, then sale his house and buy our house. I realized before it was all over he had no intention of selling his castle, he just wanted my equity. He played the loving game long enough for me to marry him. I did love him and realize now he was fulfilling a need for me, a man that could put me under his wing, protect me, be more like a father figure to me which i never had with my own father. After the marriage things started getting really rocky. I realized that nothing I did was good enough, he was in charge. I couldn't fold a towel or make a bed right. I always had to lock doors even during the day and his home became a prison. I was so home sick as my house was being emptyed out to sale. He would be really mean and stressed out, no fun to be around one day and the next he'd bring me flowers. This went on for a while until I started wising up to his plan. Once I started speaking up and telling him and would not be talked to the way he talked to me he would turn it all around and say it was me. I could go on and on with what happened but it is a long story. I realized I was saying Im sorry when he was the hurtful one. He started sending me agendas at work of what our schedule was going to be. He would put as many as 6 question marks on the ends of sentances like I was dumb and didn't get it. The final straw was after my dad died he got really upset with me for going walking with my sister. When I got home pictures of my family he had put face down as if my family meant nothing and I was devalued. That hurt me more than anything in my life as i am very family oriented and he knew it. I planned an escape and with the help of my sisters and brother got the heck out of there with what I could take back that was mine to my house. Thank goodness it had not sold. After a bad divorce and me being left in a huge financial whole of course all of this was my fault. He tried to put the same love show on to get me back at first and then would get mean again if I didn't respond the way he wanted. I came back to a completely empty house one year ago. He of course got the last bark and made out to be unstable. Thanks to all the info on narcissism I have understood what I went through and what it was about me that go me in this situation.

I am writing a book on narcissim. I was wondering if you would be willing to share this story for my book? The action of putting your family pictures face down after losing your father was a story I've never heard before and so painful but so explanatory of a narcissist.

Hi.
first of all,my heart goes out to one and all who suffer.I can somehow share suffering more than happiness because i have felt suffering more in my life than the latter.

as i write,my 2andhalf yr old watches tv and i am loathing myself for leaving her and the house in a state while i write this.,while i should actually be looking after her.

before,when i felt unhappy i used to blame my unhappy childhood(verbally abusive father)and my short height with its consequent effects(mainly social) as the obvious reasons for defects in my personality.(i am britsh indain 4 feet 10 inches tall,but with reasonable looks)

as a matter of fact i hate the way i have turned out in life,my emotional instability and its consequent effects on my life.aka.all my relationships.to my surprise my children are very attached to me and i sometimes am worried even about that!

I constantly criticise myself and hold myself responsible for everything wrong and have even wished myself away from this earth so everything could be normal again.And then i hated myself for feeling like this.how can i let down two most wonderful children by feeling like this.so,i start to work on myself in a positive ways reading loads of self-help articles,then end up hitting walls again.

now,about narcissism.I have been repeatedly reading about it for the past few days and now i am really thinking whether my husband has it or even me???we as indan wives are taught to put up with our husbands and not question their character otherwise face disastrous consequences!

i have to admit i have behaved silly on many occassions and threatened to commit suicide/leave home/divorce and feel awful about it all.what a shame.a total wreck and a terrrible example for my children.i am ashamed of myself.

what about my husband?
i wish to understand hima nd us better.whenever i am with him,i feel both loved and rejected at the same time,i feel restless and hopeless and weak and yet feel i could not live without him.

he grew up in a joint family.his mother was a school drop out and an ordinary father.his parents had to lead a life difficlut in that way as all thier relatives(her brothers and sister and father were big shots,successful and rich).they literally lived a life of head hung low in shame.but,apparently they were the star human beings socially,the best parents ever.My husband on his own strengths did well and went on to become a doctor of good ranking,popular so and ni a way undone his family shame.so,did hid brother as he was an engineer and went to 'america'!earning big name.but it ends up his brother is actually a verbal bully in the family and a social charm at the same time!

my husband is much better looking,average heighted,and very popluar socially for his charm,intelligence,achievement,everything!
and i am this shy,not so successful,average looking girl.so,when he put his hand out for me in our first meeting(emotonally)ii was mesmerised by the attenton for such a man and i did EVERYTHING he wanted...phone sex,naked encounters short of actal sex before mariage,taking exams to come to uk(his ambition),come here before him(just 2 months after our marriage),lived hellish life failing exams,hunting for jobs(i am also a doctor)and working through the toughest jobs(all to please him!).
and when after all the pining for months after being separated from him,meeting him was like a love that could never be fully felt.alwyas left feeling empty and need to do more to win his love.,to see him a happy man.

after nearly a year and half of struggle,i get pregnant.he sends me to his parents in india for delivery.i lose my baby at 32 weeks due to PIH.i am depresed,go to my parents place.(my father had already abused me for going to my in-laws for delivery when i was pregnant,i lost the baby anyway).i call up my husband(in uk) who was out with freinds having a picnic and gets mad at me for diturbing him.later apologises.but i was depressed and missed him.
i so wanted to be back wth him.i return to him and he wants me to start anew when i was still suffering in depression.

i dont work again,we live together to try for a baby.his parents(the most ideal parents in the world according to him)visit us for the first time.they ban me from entering the kitchen(i love cooking)and do not allow me to have cereal for breakfast(???)i give royal college exam in medicine,fail once,try again,pass and meanwhile get pregnant.i pass the driving test(my in laws dont like me learning from a male instructor).i give birth to a premature baby,breast feeding fails.i am not allowed to social outings for 6 months(as my husband beleive it would be too tiring for me).i pump milk for my baby for 4 months.my in laws visit again.they illtalk(especially father-in-law) behind my back that i do not work and ask me to give baby to them completely,weaning,everything!

i do not feel ready to work.i work hard to remain happy,raise a happy stimulated child.

my in-laws keep visiting and everytime slant their illfeelings about me not working and happily eating at home!they endlessley praise their son and his achivements and other women who work!and their grandchldren.when i confront hima bout his feeling of me being a stayathome mum,he recoils and denies all.my husband supports me but also gets angry at me for complaining and would not confront his parents.

my husband watches porn at night while i am looking after the baby and gets in a rage when i tell him not to.he quips saying i am imagining.
i get pregnant when the first was only 6 months and he advises abortion.i do it although i did not want to.i go into depression again.

i have a 2nd child and in laws continue their assaults very subtly and in combnation with displays of affecton every now and then.

after 6 years out of work and changing nature of our marital relation,i suggest i work again.husband opposes it.i find nanny for the kids.young and pretty.husband agrees.nanny is stay out,so he still has to look after kids when i have long shifts.nanny tries to pocket husband and kids.husband rages about her everyday and how miserable our life has become.but i notice their eyes meeting in strange ways over and accross me.he goes to work late mornings.they dot have an affair but massage each others ego through apparent attraction.
i am devastated after 8 months of struggle(commuting 2 hours sveryday)difficult shifts,no energy for my family and a manipulative nanny.we have big arguements.i am hstrionic,i feel guilty and apologise.my husband says he needs tme but will forgive me evetulayy!i give up.i feel he needs a break from me.go to india to my parents with my kids(husband had been pusinhg me to go and take a 'break'!)he rages when i tease him that he wll have a month all to himself when i am away.i leave in tears.

i come back to realise he had been watching porn,going to the gym.i slam myself for doubting him,delete all history from internet.
present a new myself to him,cheerful,dress well and cook his favourite meals.
and never ask him what he did while i was away.

i do not if i have even got to the point yet,.i have jst been summarising my life story ,albeit too long.

the points are
hb never wants to discuss serious issues about buying house,investments,childrens upbringing,going back to india or settling down here.the time is never right,or i do not know how to talk or i do not give him a chance to talk or think!

gets overlty upset over trivial issues like traffic jams when we are out as family and thinks i am overreacting when i ask him to calm down.

back-bites everybody till date.his family,work colleagues,children.nobody is good enough.worships a few exceptiions(who happen to be successful in life)
then,is charming in front of the same people and loves rubbing shoulders with the ones in stats and power in public.
all of them hold him in high regard.


whenever i am upset,he says i do not know how to talk.how emotonally immature i am.convinced me many times that i needed help.still,he will not leave me.he gets angry with just a steely look in his eyes that you cannot forget or wound me when i am already hurting.this is happening more recently.

likes praises,speciall achievements in jobs,hates competitive sub-ordinates,uncomfortable when others are praised in his presence.calls it racial discrimnation.

says maximum brtish are wothless,will not adapt to their cultur,sends child to a private school paying hefty fees and calls it a rubbish school.2nd child will also go to same school.says we have no choice.
still,does not want to go back to india.

says he adores his parents but barely calls to check on them,expects me to be emotionally available for them.

subtly shows me down in public and vehemently denies it saying i am mad to think he would do such a thing!he is so impressionable,that people belive whatever he says.

am i going mad or does my husband signs of npd.
for sure i do have someting like bpd.
is it a deadly combination.i want to go away from him and never felt so guilty and empowered at the same time with a thought.will he affect my kids too?i am terrified about that.ny father will not understand ,he is a bully himself and also has advised me keep shut in the past.my mother is too weak.his parents will at once think i am the mad stay at home woman again and none of outsiders will belive me.help!!

Happily married for over ten years, beautiful child and family life was blissful. Following several close family bereavements (3 in four months)I decided I wanted to move our family back to where I grew up. My husband decided this was not for him, he had been working away for the previous 12months or so intermittently. I was shocked and mortified however angry given he had said we would move back closer to home in the future. I began divorce proceedings and asked why he wouldnot consider moving to be with us. He replied that for all he had been doing for the last ten years was telling me what I wanted to hear. This infuriated me even more however I then lost my mother and my husband was given compassionate leave from his employer. He returned home minus his wedding ring alleging it had fell off in the shower. I said I found this incredulous and it would have been more beleivable had he removed it given I was intent on divorcing him however he maintained this lie. Given this I decided to check out whether he was wearing the ring in photos of him abroad. Needless to say he wasnt and gave me a pathetic excuse that he removed it because he didnt want to lose it in Florida!!. I then asked to access his email, facebook, skype, bank and telephone statements. I was unhappy that he was in regular communication with female friends however had put this down to my insecurity as he denied ever contacting them directly. This was a lie, I discovered two women one of whom he had slept with on three diferent occasions in Scotland another who had been sending pictures of herself to him and him to her. Another who he had been having regular skype chats with him (who thought she was supporting him through his relationship breakdown, and old school friend) another woman who he met in florida, it went on and on and on. He has begged my forgiveness however given it has been 6 months since my discovery believes I should be over this now. He says he loves me but his behaviour and lack of understanding do not demonstrate this. I was so happy before and am finding it difficult to make a decision. We are starting therapy next week but I am still reeling and do not believe I have discovered half quarter of what has been going on behind my back. I was oblivious due to my happiness. I have lost faith in my judgement and myself.

I have finally escaped a 28 year marriage with a beast of a man. A man that I had no real reason to love. I loved an illusion. This I didn't realize until I was already enmeshed, tangled and confused between his emotions and my emotions. Strange thing though he only had emotions for himself and my emotions slowly moved away from myself and only to him. Before long I cared more about him and hurt for him more than myself even when he hurt me. He had my head spinning. I am a bright person but I couldn't see straight. I slowly became his bitch and did everything for him. I also ran around and did everything for my children so that he wouldn't command them to do things for him. His mood would change in a flash and go into a rage and become cold and treat everyone in the house like vermin. When you looked into his eyes you could see nothing, no soul, nothing. No connection. It was after 2 breakdowns and much contemplation and a restraining order which he dared me to get that I finally escaped. My children were also instrumental in my freedom. I am now working on my recovery and healing from this terrible man. At this point I don't care why he is damaged or why he became damaged he just is. My children no longer speak to him because you see he treats his children horribly. They are pawns to him and will do and say anything to them to get what he wants. He is a master manipulator and is excellent at getting his way. He will cry if he has to and is very good at it. I feel blessed to be saved and to finally have some clarity. If this sounds anything like what your guy RUN and have no contact with him.

Yes, No Contact is the only way to ensure they don't come back. The only reason they come back is to get a reacion out of you. They need to know they still have a hold on you, that they can still get you to react, but why?

Why does the narcissist keep coming back? Why can't he leave us alone? It's important to understand that a narcissist has no inner-sense of self. He disconnected from himself a long time ago. Because he has no sense of self, he must be validated by others in order to feel alive. Without outside validation, he feels dead inside.

If a narcissist is deficient in Narcissistic Supply (NS), he will seek it out from anyone he can get it from. If he comes to you after your relationship has ended, you must understand he is coming to you because he is not getting enough attention or validation from his current source of supply.

I know this is harsh and may be hard to accept, but you must get it. He is not returning to you because he misses you or genuinely loves you. Remember, the only two feelings a narcissist experiences are fear and rage (primal feelings). Love is not a feeling a narcissist can experience. If he returns to you, it's because he needs to be validated and nothing more.

I am often asked why some narcissists return only to change their mind immediately after you commit or why they return simply to say something insulting or hurtful to you. The reason for this is because he is only returning to get a "quick fix" on his addiction. Once you validate him by responding to him in any way, shape or form, he's got his fix and will move on to the next best high.

Getting a reaction out of you is like a drug to him. He gets off on it and he needs it in order to feel alive. It gives him a thrill. Without it, he feels dead inside. This is why he will come back simply to insult you or demean you. If he knows he can't get a positive reaction from you, he's going to try to elicit a negative reaction. All he needs is a reaction from you to get his fix - good or bad, he doesn't care - as long as he gets a reaction from you. He likes to know he still has some kind of hold or effect on you.

Do NOT give him this satisfaction. Please Do NOT feed his addiction. Starve the Vampire, ladies. Let him get his fix somewhere else. The only way to deal with a narcissist is to go "No Contact" and refuse to react to him.

Is it a sickness to crave his attention even though we know it's not love? It's been two months for me and I still think about him all the time. I don't care why he would get a hold of me, I just want to know he thinks about me. I guess if I hear from him I would believe love might be possible? I want to get him out of my head!

I was married to a Narcissistic for 28 years. For 28 years tried to please him, raise his children, be his workhorse...I worked 3 jobs for awhile, and lied and lied so he could be the God he thought he was. When I finally said "NO MORE" everyone in my life was shocked. I had spent 28 years building this perfect life for him. People just couldn't believe we didn't have that story book life. We didn't. On top of his mental disorder, he was an alcoholic. Prescription for disaster. I don't know why I stayed with him so long. I actually knew what he was very early into our marriage. My advice to anyone involved with a spouse with this disease. Run! Don't Walk! Run for your life. They don't change. EVER! Their goal is to drag you into their filth and beat you down until you no longer can think for yourself. Makes them the God they think they are.

Guess what. He isn't. I left with little and re-built my life successfully. He is still living in LaLa Land with his current bought one. As no treatment that really works for this disease...he will die in LaLa Land...clueless to the pain he has cause.
Run for your life and let them deal with their own messes.

We are married 22yrs and a couple months when we had our baby girl he called fat and ugly, those words felt like an ice pick right through my heart. And that is when it all began about 20yrs ago! He always corrects me how I pronounce a word, or if I say it took 3yrs to build something he would say it took 2yrs and 11 months, he would bring me down when we are with people to make them laugh, he would say to his friends if it wasn't for him I wouldn't travel; which actually his first time off island was with me... I have been able to tough out all the humiliation for years but I am so drained. Not to long ago I found some porn movies and I asked him about them and he has gotten worse. He looks at me with anger when I cry and ask him what is wrong and then he laughs. People come to me and tell me what a nice person he is and how lucky I am! Lately I feel like he knows he has destroyed me emotionally and now he is messing with my mind... He says I'm crazy and that I make up all these things I am trying to tell him about how he treats me. When I am with MY mom or MY friends he takes over my conversations and make me feel like I am talking s***.... The other day he told me that he doesn't know why I don't want him around a certain girl; when I told him because she is a whore he hit me over and over! I told him that I am not his enemy that if he went through something in his childhood he needs to be angry at his parents not me; I swear he wanted to kill me then suddenly he asked me what about my childhood. I told him I had a beautiful childhood. I am well known and loved in my community and feel like that bothers him. I feel as though he envy me. People are beginning to ask me why I have distant myself from everyone? I have NEVER felt so sad, lonely, and as a failure... I have even thought of suicide.... I am so tired!

RUN. It won't get better. I too was blamed for every one of his messes. They just can't take any responsibility. Just have to toss it to others so they can keep that "Holier than God" image going. If I even dared to complain, his back was all I got as he walked away. His safety net. Always. Walk away to protect that right to be an idiot.

Well aware of how other think he was so great and I was SO lucky. Told over and over the saint would get his reward in heaven for being such a great person. I just smiled and inside said "I HOPE SO!"
I put up with physical abuse, mental abuse and cleaning up after him when...as an alcoholic also, he didn't even know the difference from our furniture and the pot. My dog was more housebroken than my husband.

We owned a family business together and when the clients around? I was the best wife on the planet and MY children were so super. Behind closed doors? Just a bitch. Kids? Wouldn't walk across the road for them. They wouldn't walk across the road for him either these days. Pretty sad.

Forget the suicide thing. I was there once too. Just decided the bastard sure wasn't worth dying for! YOUR LIFE IS MORE IMPORTANT!!!! Run and let him deal with it. His disease doesn't have to control your life anymore. Accept the fact you can't change him. You can change YOU! And you are worth it! Tell yourself that a million times a day. I am Worth It!

You can do this.

I WAS MARRIED TO A NARCISSIST FOR A FEW MONTHS BEFORE I REALIZED HE WAS SO JEALOUS, ENVIOUS.
had their radar up and operating when you came within their sights to become a narcissistic source they could milk dry.

They may still seem to be bigger than life, a hero type, the knight in tarnished armor fighting your battles, an apostle to lead you into the Kingdom, or a diamond in the rough who just needs a little care and compassion to bring out the best in him.

Whatever.

So, if you give them up you would be losing... what? A portion of your life? your battles? the Kingdom? knowledge? justice? bread? money?

At the time you recognize that he is doing you such damage that you are totally spent, without any energy, love, or hope, you have to ask yourself the question, "Is this truly worth it?"!

It isn't, of course, but fear may drive you into a paralyzing
depression.

The way out is to begin to recognize that if you reject the
narcissist, you are not losing anything; you are GAINING you sanity!



Taking the risk

Risk assessment is very important: You need to determine the course of action you will take when YOU DUMP the narcissist.

This can be very dangerous, depending upon your situation.

If you are going to get a divorce, what are the options to support yourself and your children and stay away from the abuse?

If it's your boss, how are you going to manage a potential job loss?

If it's your minister, how will you manage the potential damage he could do to your reputation?

If it's your teacher in school, how will you finish your education?

The problem is not just that they are everywhere, but they become master manipulators, making you look like the bad guy while enlisting the aid of powerful allies.

You must prepare carefully to avoid as much risk as possible.


Women who have gotten a divorce have told of getting a judgment against their abusers for both alimony and child support only to have to find a way to support themselves because their ex defied the courts and have paid nothing.

Sometimes the narcissist goes after their departed source with a vengeance and may even attempt murder--it's certainly not unheard of.

The problem is that if you stay with them, the risk is no less, and you may only be postponing the vicious attacks of which, you have come to understand, the narcissist so capable.

Remember though, the narcissist is used to inflicting pain; it is what he does; it is who he is.

One of the most amazing things about abusive people is that they have no idea they are abusive: They are so focused on themselves that they neither care NOR do they understand they are abusing others.

Concerning reputation: Narcissists are really good at ruining someone else's reputation--all they have to do is say something that sounds credible that you know is a lie, and everyone will abandon you before you can collect and show the facts of the matter.

Narcissists are great at blaming the victim.

Not only that, but they will find something somewhere to "prove" that you lied in the past and ruin your credibility.

Narcissists also like to take the objective and turn it into what seems to be a personal attack on them--thus, again, making you look like the bad guy, e.g., making everyone feel sorry for HIM

They have the majority on their side, because they tell people what they want to hear, and most of the time, the truth is the last thing people want to hear.

However.......................................


They need you

Narcissism is a mental disorder which is defined by a lack of
empathy as well as a peculiar non-existence: That is to say, the narcissist needs others to reflect back to them what they appear to be in order to define themselves; without this feedback, they don't exist.

And the worst thing you could ever do, from their point of view, is to ignore them.

To ignore them is to snuff them out.

Narcissists become very angry when you ignore them!

To question that they are the center of the Universe is anathema to them--pure heresy.

They are the greatest of their kind of all time.

And when you question their importance, you become a lying betrayer.

They are so confident of their greatness, that anyone questioning it is not just their enemy, to be fought tooth and nail, they are deceivers, cheating others of the truth.

Hopefully, you recognize the baloney of the narcissist for what it is, but often they have such forcefulness, they can bully their way past the obvious baloney.

Though they seem confident of their position in the Universe--at the center of it--and believe that the Universe would cease to exist without them, they hold the secret fear that the Universe might just be able to do without them without much notice, if any at all, and it creates a tremendous fear within them.

They need you to validate them.

You need them to leave you alone.



Avoiding the more obvious traps

You can make the choice to dump the narcissist when you recognize him for who and what he is--nothing at all; useless, worthless, pretty much a fool.

Or he can dump you.

Either way, you have cause for rejoicing, even if you feel great pain.

The narcissist is quite addictive to his source and when he
withdraws, people often have withdrawal symptoms.

Like any addiction, this must be faced and overcome.

There are two main problems:

There may a great temptation to crawl back to the narcissist to beg his forgiveness and try to allow to come back to him;

You may seek another narcissist to fill the void.

Either way, you are going to regret it: It doesn't really lessen
the pain, you simple keep up the cycle.

Now, it's really easy to get caught up in the illusion that your
narcissist is bigger than life and provides you with something; the reality is something else: He is not the one giving--you are; you are the one providing him with everything (or at least a portion) of what he needs.

It's a sick relationship.

In order for your own healing, you must get away from the patient; sever all ties; become independent.

It is insanity to remain subject to them.


Here is another trap:

You feel sorry for him.

That is the absolute worst thing you could do


Don't feel sorry for him.

He doesn't feel sorry for himself: He's just fine with the way he is and sees no need to change.

And since the narcissist, by definition, is totally incapable of empathy, he doesn't feel sorry for you or anybody else; again, he's just fine, and, except for some righteous indignation because he believes he has been wronged because someone doesn't see the truth that he is the center of the Universe, his life will go on and he WILL find some other first-class sucker to feel sorry for him.

Remember this:


The narcissist won't change, is incapable of it, and furthermore is perfectly satisfied to wallow in the cesspool of his own misery.


How to free yourself from his clutches once and for all:


All narcissists are monsters at the core: they are abusive; the only real difference is the scope of their abuse, limited only by the resources and sphere of influence available to them.


They seem impressive because they are great at manipulating perceptions: They are always a triumph of image over substance.

When the chips are down, though, they fold and take the gold with them, leaving you in a lurch.

You don't count.

So.........

Do you feel sorry for them?

Do they seem bigger than life?

Do they break the rules and take shortcuts?

Do they break their promises?

Do they lie to you?

Will they discount the lies they tell you and gloss over them when they come to light?

Do they constantly complain about how stupid people are, how bad service is, etc?

Do they discount your achievements?

Do they want you to solve their problems for them, when it is their responsibility to take care of their OWN problems?

Do you find yourself apologizing to them, particularly when you haven't done anything wrong?

Are they constantly critical of others?

Are they abusing you either with assault or neglect?

Do they expect you to be there for them constantly, on a moment's notice?

Are you finding that they are resource intensive?

Do you have to keep giving them "feedback", particularly on how valuable, smart and / or good looking they are?

Are they abusive toward other people?

Do they seem devoid of empathy towards others and just don't care?

Are they smart alecks?

Do they constantly want your attention?


And finally,

Do you just plain feel miserable and uncomfortable around them?


If any of these are true, then run, don't walk, for the nearest exit from the relationship.

And don't look back.

i don't know if i was with an N because i am so confused. he was so charming in the beginning, showering me with gifts and caring but then later changed.. i helped him with all his personal problems but he said i had never done anything good for me. Everything had to be his way. i got the blame for everything that went wrong in his life and then when he found someone better he was off. he would make impulsive decisions and became overly critical of me. he couldn't handle stressful situations and changed his mind constantly. one minute he wanted to marry me the next he didn't.i keep thinking that it was me that was the problem and that he will change when he is with another girl. please help

Hi,

I am looking for some encouragement as I prepare to begin the process of divorcing my husband. Next week we will have been married for twenty years/ together for almost 24! We have three great teens and have a lifetime of memories together. However, many of those memories are painful ones...at least for me. Though I knew from the beginning that we struggled with difficulties - In counseling first year of marriage and on and off ever since - I always assumed that this was "fixable"...I am a strong Christian and believe in marriage...and love my husband/family. I was willing to do whatever it took to make this work. I did not realize until last year that this was an "abusive" marriage - Verbally, Emotionally and with rages that escalated into Physically "scary" things (holes in walls/ driving erratically with us in car...) There was a major incident in September where we had been fighting all day and I decided to go for a drive. He tried to remove me from my car, threatened to take air out of my tires and then chased me down the road in his car when I finally left. I went to the police and had a restraining order put in place. He was arrested and spent night in jail. We have been seperated since and seeing a Christian Counselor. I dropped restraining order and have been trying to work on marriage. I thought we were making progress ...until New Years Day when he decided to reveal to me that he has been unfaithful to me on more than one occasion with prostitutes and has gone on Match.com 2x looking to move on with his life. I sincerely feel that my husband in a Narcissist! He tries to twist things all around. He says that he was wrong for what he has done and wants to work on our marriage BUT that I was really the one to blame for what he did since I did not treat him the way he wanted! He is NOT trying to make amends in anyway for the hurt he has caused me - Tells me that healing the marriage and deciding to forgive are all on me - That he does not have to do anything to earn my forgiveness...That if I am a good Christian I will show grace and not just "talk" about it. I KNOW that what he says is "twisted" and it kills me to have to step out of denial and "see" my marriage for what it really is! This man does not "LOVE" me...at least it is not the kind of love I know! ...or really love our children. He is so critical of them ...In the beginning he was so angry that the restraining order kept him away from the children...Now that he is able to have contact with them he does not even call...He is an emotional vaccum and ...though I long for him to call me and show me that I am totally wrong about this and show me love...I know that I have to leave him. However, I am not really getting support to do this. My Christian Counselor ( who is a Physch.) encourages me to stay and says that he sees hope for us to salvage this marraige...That God intended marriage to make us HOLY NOT HAPPY...I get that...BUT ...What about HEALTHY?! I feel that by staying with my husband I continue to put myself at risk emotionally, physically (std's) and spiritually. Especially in the spiritual area ...That is what I have been holding onto for my strength/hope to move on in life...But my husband slams my faith to the ground...He twists what I know is truth around and then makes me question everything...I feel like I have been sucked dry and do not know what to do next...Sadly, to add insult to injury, I am unemployed for the first time in my life...I am an educator and jobs are tough to come by right now...I depend on my husband in so many ways..We have no family in the area and this makes it very difficult...Family is in different state and I do not even know if I will be able to relocate because of children and custody issues! Anyway, I know this is a long post...Thanks for your "ear" and any suggestions/ comments/ prayers! would be welcome!

i know how you feel. I am a christian too and do not believe in divorce. After being together for over twenty years my husband wanted to separate a year ago. After I began counseling to help with the stress and anxiety was feeling the counselor informed me that I had been emotionally and verbally abused for years and I didn't even know it! I always made excuses for my husbands anger and used to blame myself for a lot of it. He could always twist things around back on me. I always would believe anything he said because I loved him and wanted to trust him even when my instincts told me otherwise. I eventually found out that he had been watching porn for years and was having an affair. He has easily discarded his family and is now living with this other woman. He says he needs to be happy and start a new life and has no remorse for anything he put our family through. We even went to a shelter and I had a restraining order. Nothing seems to bother him and he always blames me for all of it.
This site has been a god send to me with all of its infomation and the stories of those who I can relate so well to. I wish you all the best and will keep all of those who have suffered the abuse by a loved one in my prayers. Stay strong and keep close to God. He will guide you through this!

God doesn't intent us to stay with abusers. I believed my vows also. Sickness and health, and we all know the N is SICK. That part was hard for me. Kept me a slave for 28 years. HOWEVER...took my pastor to show me...I didn't have to stay with a cheater and abuser. Not to mention a N that Thought he was God! HUSBANDS have certain duties to their wives...and lying, cheating and abuse of wife and children ain't one of them. I believe God will deal with them. I don't have to. Dealing with a N? RUN! Fast as you can.