Stories of Narcissism in a Relationship

|2010-01-31 16:30:38 Sandra

Hi. am legally seperated from my husband of 35 yrs. for 3 yrs. now. I had to get out of a sick relationship. After reading information on the narcissist I believe that is probably why I could never get along with him. I was shocked to hear that there is no cure and that it is a personality disorder. The first year of our seperaton I was going on false hope that maybe he would change. He does not call me to see how I am doing. I see him on occasion because of adult kids and two grand-children. He wanted out of the relationship but could not do it. He always made me move for him but did not see it before. I feel I did him a favor by getting out of the relationship and now he has a chance to be happy. I feel that I am still hanging on to the times he was very nice to me, and only when he felt like it. He is also an alcoholic. I would like to know is there any hope, and if not how do I let go of this illusion. Thank you.
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|2010-02-03 22:45:42 Maria

Dear Sandra,

I am sorry to hear you are hurting. It is very difficult to break free from a narcissist. It was a brave thing to do to end the relationship. After 35 years it is clear that you feel strong attachment towards your ex husband. However, you have an extensive proof (all those years) that your husband is not capable of changing, at list not easily. The older we get, the harder it is to let go of old habits. In your husband's case "old habits" are alcohol and (based on your message) generally unpleasant behavior. In your case "old habits" include your feelings of love and attachment towards your husband. You have spend a huge portion of your life with your husband. If you could get over the break up in just couple months there would be something wrong with you. You are a normal human being with normal emotions, unlike a narcissistic person who's emotional world is distorted.

In my opinion you should not keep alive the hopes of future together with your narcissistic husband. You have been separated for 3 years. During that time your husband has not (based on your message) made a significant effort to change his behavior and to get back together with you. Dear Friend, please do not waste your life waiting for something that is not real.

Look inside your mind: I believe your feelings towards your ex husband consist mostly of pity due to his alcoholism and his other problems (for example his narcissism). It is easy to mistake pity for love. Dear Friend, search your feelings and if you do find out that your feelings towards your ex husband are indeed mostly pity, then you know it is time to let go. You have tried all you can to "save" your ex husband and to take care of him. Now it is time for you to live your own life and enjoy it! Dear Friend, you have done enough. I know it is hard to let go. Please read the stories on this page, they will help you in your process of letting go: link:http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/personal-stories-narcissistic-spouse.html

Warm hug,
Maria
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|2010-02-23 20:21:36 jessica

Dear Maria,

I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for 3 years now. I am now learning more about this disorder and it explains my boyfriend to a T.

First, he thinks everyone is jealous of him. Nothing is his fault. For instance the other day we were driving and he hit a pothole and it was my fault. I have found emails of him cheating but still denies it to this day. I think he needs an "ego" talk from these women because he deep down has security issues.

It's hard to trust him and he can manipulate me so well its sick. I have seen the fake tears when I say I'm leaving. But that night he's out with another woman.

I want to make him a better man, but he has to do it himself. I am financially dependent on him so its hard to leave.

By the way I love your website.
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|2010-03-22 18:33:17 Glenda - my narcissistic ex

Omg Hi Maria Aloha... I am recovering from a 2yr mental,emotional, and verbal abusive relationship. Its been 3wks that I finally left him. I havent texted him or called (i still wait around for a sorry or atleast a sign of him) I hope thats normal..I found him lying cheating and having unrealistic dreams and I could not take it anymore, For once I thought about my 10yr old son and about me!! I said no more God help me get thru this. I still have his text messages to remind myself to never call him and how painfult was to go thru this....
I knew there was a problem when all I wanted to do was sleep , I noticed I was nervous around him, i walked on eggshells my mood changed when he got home from work. I gave him everything, mu money my emotions mylove.. Nothing seemed to work. first time arond he cheated on me and left me for a woman, who then turned out to lose it all because of him..He promised me that he had changed his ways and that i was the love of his life . My son noticed me yelling and being upset for no reason... I lost everything for this man, we met on a friday and a month later we lived together, it was great in the beginning until I discovered all his problems, moods, financial issues, ex-wife, and I was the blame for it all. He often insulted me for periods of 45min to an hour. I use to record him to show my friends so they dont think I was crazy. I cried so much, he use to throw me out the house, telling me Im not worth anything that Im a bad mother and I was lucky that he didnt hit me. I had no say no opinions no emotions my decisions did not matter and he did not compromise in anything. I had to do what he said if not I got in trouble. I felt like a little girl, he degraded me comparing me to other woman .... Then I started to believe that he was right that the problem was me....My family disowned me , my friends telling me that how can I love someone like this, no one understood what i went thru...but I was addicted to this up and down rollercoaster,,, I was in love with this man when things were good I ignored what he had just done earler that day to only realize that in about an hour I was back to square one that I was the one wrong.. I lost all my friends I lost my aprt my car, my job my self esteem, I lost myself. He drained me emotionally and mentally.. I have nothing now I am rockbottom when i was a very much independent woman .then I spoke to my friend and he told me that i was dealing with a narcissistic man I looked it up and I found this website!!!!!!! Thank God....
I AM MUCH BETTER STILL DAYS WHEN I THINK WHAT CAN I HAVE DONE DIFFERENT BUT I COME HERE AND READ AND REALIZE NOTHING!!! ITS NOT MY FAULT!!!!!!!!!!
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|2010-04-04 12:18:07 chrisa - chrisa and my ex narcissistic

Hi Maria, i love your website. I have learned that i was living with a narcissist for 10 years who has mentally, verbally and emotionally abused me. Now i am living a hell trying to heal after he just dumped me for another woman...

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Dear Chrisa, I have moved your story and my reply to you to another location on my website, please read my reply to you from here: link:http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/personal-stories-narcissistic-spouse/214-husband-cheated-on-me-and-humiliated-me-why-is-it-so-hard-to-leave-a-mental-abuser-.html

Maria

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|2010-04-27 19:38:02 Anonymous

wow
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|2010-05-01 15:17:46 ls - Going through it...

i see there are quite a few new resources online than when i first started researching narcissism after a few years of being involved with my boyfriend.

Sigh. Yes, i've been aware i've been living with a narcissist for some time, learned a few of the ways to maintain control in the relationship, etc., but I have always been prepared for something... i just didn't think it would turn out exactly as it has.

A month ago now, my partner informed me, after returning from a business trip that he was moving out because...in typical narcissistic fashion...i was 'an ugly sow,' and a 'nasty mean bitch,' (i could not believe the things coming out of his mouth...although cold and critical during the 6 years we lived together, he was never that bad). i was shell-shocked, as i had been simply looking forward to him returning and was completely in the dark as to what had evidently been going on.

i found out later from his two teen sons that he is 'in love' now about a couple months with a woman living far away in the state of Florida who has stage 4 lymphoma and is probably dying. Evidently he met her on the internet...i had noted him putting up all these profiles on different websites, basically, looking for admiration...as i had thought typical of a narcissist.

Well. i knew that our relatively happy state would not last long--yes. ironically, we had been the happiest we had ever been in the last year. The irony of being with someone who is not a totally hard-boiled narcissist, is that the person who does really love them realizes that who they are underneath the false projected self is worth 10 of the shell, and could even be a very good person.

i feel i escaped fairly well, all things considered, although my narcissist does owe me $10,000 i will likely never recover (one of his largest issues was money), and he took the car I financed, leaving me with only a bicycle for transportation. he evidently says he will try to pay for the car...but on his time, . his one teen son also has ended up living with me...which is also a very odd situation.

One of the horrible things I realize is that this terminally ill woman must be young and very attractive, or he would not give her the time of day. All that being suitable to his image as a successful man of the world, of course.

Sometimes I laugh, sometimes i cry.
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|2010-05-16 19:42:01 trelle - Religion a "scooby snack" to a narcisst

long story short...i met a man 6 yrs ago that got my number off paperwork when making a delivery to my house. he felt it was normal to call wo even asking. we went out but his level of arrogance was odd considering he talked as though he was humble and kind hearted ...he seemed weird and "stalkerish" so i ran. years later we ran into one another and he seemed sad as if id hurt his feelings years ago when id cut off all contact. i thought maybe id made a mistake...afterall he was a sweet, "God-fearing",not to mention very handsome man thought looked young for his age (he was 7 yrs younger w a muscular build & young face). well wgen i put my foot down demanding he be in a relationship and advised him that i demanded respect or he could go...he was like putty in my hands. the day i told him i loved him, all hell broke loose its like he punished me for no longer being unobtainable the man that claimed he travel the world for me...how he knew i wasnt going anywhere...and how h e couldnt bare a day wo talking to me...was now mocking me for wanting to see and talk to him and blaming me for his inability to refrain from sex...he told me it was my fault when id tell him no,not to come...yet hed drive an hr to see me. on top of that, he was a 7th day adventist and used the faith to justify how he and his chuurch were superior to the ignorant and lost sunday worshippers. i found it hard to believe there was no cure or treatment so i broke down into a shell of a woman literally ; Begging him to tell me why he was once so crazy about me and wouldnt let me be...but he now only desired to talk on his own time and it felt as if i wasnt even there. hed be a dr jakyl and mr hyde...his voice would change and hed get aggressive the more i refused to give in...taunting me by asking if i wanted him to stop...then tell me how he was weak...had demons...and how it was my fault he couldnt help him. i love him...ebough to tell him i cant even speak to him...and enough to seek help...how can i get him to see he needs help? its like hes two people...i come from an abusive background and know how dangerous being w him would be, as ive dealt w a narrcisst in the past and had to move to another state to escape the sick bond we had w the abused meet abuser is there anyway they can get help...i know there is no cure, but there has to be some help for the narcisst not just the victim
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|2010-06-17 05:19:55 bridgit - my final goodbye. the email says it all

I know there is not much point in writing this. For me though there is the completing and closure that I need. I won’t be logging on to this account. My phone is now disconnected. I have no interest in hearing a reply. Any emails to accounts will be directed through to my deleted bin.

I need to write this to complete this chapter and this story.

I know I am more emotionally open than you and this email will make you cringe. I am open with my thoughts and feelings. I gush often about the love and support I have. You think this is craziness but it is who I am and the people in my life love me just the way I am.

I live my life to a strong code of ethics, being authentic to myself and my needs, being open and honest, living by my heart, never hurting anyone on purpose.
I was taught “never stoke the fire so much that it burns you”. Meaning, don’t create anger and hurt in your life as in the end you just hurt yourself.

I am not a victim. I have all the opportunities in the world and live a privileged life. I felt I loved you and I had felt when I first got to know you that you were a noble, intelligent, humorous, sexy, open minded gentleman with so much to offer.

Asking to have a family with someone is a very big occasion in anyone’s life. I told you so many times I was scared of getting hurt and you promised that I wouldn’t get hurt. That you would be here and we would be together. Of course this creates great emotion as it would in anyone. Someone you once loved coming to sweep you off your feet and give you a family that you would love to have.

I know you felt I rejected you through saying I needed to move on. If you were not coming to see me then of course I had to try and move on. The not knowing was too hard on me. It was many weeks since your original plan to visit me. The endless texts, the conversations and the emails to work things out… Then within 1 week a strange kind of silence but until asked you never told me that there was anyone else. Instead declaring you were single…then out of the blue another women and she is pregnant.

In the end what I believe or find unbelievable does not matter. It was just the cruellest thing to do to me. Why you would want to hurt anyone to that degree is beyond me. Why did you go through so many conversations with me to rectify our relationship? This has been 3 times now.

You draw me in with promises and dreams of living in love with you and then at the last minute abandon me.

The story being, I am abandoned for a woman you met and slept with once. Obviously my friendship, my love, my heart, my feelings meant so little to you. That you could tell me some women you barely know has replaced me, someone you have known for years in a mere few weeks at most.

The timing etc doesn’t make sense but at the end of the day its clear it’s aimed at creating hurt to me. Zero consideration for my feelings. A huge bombshell, then to send me a photo of this woman, like she is a prize.

I understand that there is much I don’t understand and many pieces of the puzzle that I am missing. It’s the oddest situation and there are things I refuse to think about as it all seems so bizarre.

You will be angry with me as you like to have control in your life. You don’t like emotion and you certainly don’t take criticism.

I am though not criticising you, as I don’t know what has caused you to not be able to really communicate with me. Why you feel such a need to hurt me. I can’t understand what you feel or what goes on in your mind. So there is no point in wondering.

Relationships and love are more than lust.
They are communication and lasting through the bad times as well as the good. Compromise and giving. Understanding. Communicating openly.

I don’t want a prize on my arm. I want my friend and my lover. I want my children to know their parents fell in love. They were created from love and devotion. That my husband is a man of sincere integrity and that he stands by his word. When he promises me something, he will do his utmost to delivery his promise.

I was lucky enough to see first hand true love through my parents and I know it takes hard work but the pay offs greatly out weight the effort.

For the first time ever in my life I release someone. Meaning I cannot find a way to even hold a friendship with someone that is so unkind. The people that surround me remind me that I am not worthy of such wrath. No one has ever been so unkind to me. No enemy could have hurt me more than the man I thought I loved. You. Over and over again like some kind of game.

The first time someone hurts you shame on them, the 2nd time, shame on you for allowing it to happen again. So I take responsibility for allowing you back again to do this again.

I don’t hate you. I don’t really know what I feel anymore other than I know I must let go of anyone that intends to hurt me. I feel simply a dull sadness when I think of you.
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|2010-06-22 04:38:05 Tammy - Looking for a way out

Dear Maria,

I came upon this site exactly one week after I discovered my narcissistic boyfriend was cheating on me. I knew he was messing with a woman at one of his jobs but I could never prove it. So I went by his place (which most of the time he would make excuses for him to stay over at my place) to surprise him with breakfast and meet his WIFE of 13 YEARS! To say the least I was devestated. She did not seem all that surprised, as if she's been down this road too many times before. It didn't even seem to bother her that much that I'm PREGNANT. He was able to hide this from me for a year. We were supposed to be buying a house and starting a family together. What a LIAR!He told me he had never been married in his life. She told me to come on in and to go wake him up from bed. At this point I was very uncomfortable so she woke hime up. He came out and kissed me on the forehead right in front of her! I left and have not communicated with him at all since then, but now he is leaving me messages in his regular narcissistic way, saying things like: "you wanted a way out anyway, so I guess you found it!" and "I said I was sorry but, we are still having a child together, you owe me that much to tell me how you and the baby are doing!" How do I owe HIM anything? I would have never had the time of day for him if I had known he was married! It was bad enough that I was upset about having a baby out of wedlock but this takes the case, and he won't leave me alone! He can't do anything about a baby that's not even here yet so how can I owe him information when he withheld so much from me and now has me and this baby in a very negative situation. I just want to get away but he seems to be stalking me and turning my other children (that arn't even his) against me. They feel he is a good guy and I not giving him a chance. All they've seen is the nice guy! He has told them (when I wasn't around) that "your mom is the one that is probuly out there cheating on me! I'm the most honest person she will ever meet! I have not lied to her once!" They have not been around to hear all the previous manipulations and lies I had already caught him in that in no way compared to this. Hope do I work this situation with a child on the way? I have read some of the other post and it seems like these type of people still try to hang around just to make your life a living hell!
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|2010-06-23 22:31:42 laurie - should i stay or should i go

I have been married for 14 years and realize I will never be good enough for my husband. He criticizes everything I do and never gives me a compliment on anything. He is verbally abusive. there is not a week that goes by that he does not call me stupid, retard etc etc. We have no children but I stay because I love my home so much and know I will never be able to afford anything close to it on my own. Is any home worth your dignity? I moved far from my family to get my dream home and am afraid to start over in another country by myself. Should I leave? Do verbal abusers ever change?
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