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Hi Maria,
I have been with my partner for over 13 years. I suppose I fell in love with him straight away. He had this air of independence and secrecy and he was really good looking! I was older than him by 8 years but that never seemed to bother him. When I think about it right from the start he used to leave me for days without ever saying why. He would also insist that I wasn't his 'Girlfriend' and that he was still single - even though he spent every single day with me! Once he got me living with him it started to change - he started going on about how fat I was (I was a 12 only a 12/14 now), how I couldn't do this right or how I didn't want to do things he wanted to do. He would sulk, withdraw emotionally and sexually. Over the years we have had some really good times, but interspersed with these bouts of verbal abuse and even physical at some time - throttling, throwing things, smashing doors etc. He would always blame me saying it was the way I am that caused it!
Three years ago he decided to end the relationship, no real discussion - just that it was my fault, I wanted too much out of life (I'd asked to go on holiday). We put the house for sale although we were still living in the same house. After begging him to reconsider I sort of came to terms with what was happening even though he said he still loved me and we got on really well (so long as I didn't criticize him in anyway). I started going out with friends, then I found one night he had put tracking equipment in my car and bugged my phone etc so he could hear my conversations. He accused me of affairs etc. was extremely angry and then he did leave. However, I was so shocked by this treatment, I never thought him capable of this - I thought I knew him. I stayed in the house, he decided not to sell, he kept coming round for sex and food and after two months we decided to give it another go and he moved in again. One year after I went onto anti-depressants because I was upset all the time, couldn't sleep etc. I suppose it made me calmer, I didn't pander to all his whims anymore, if he went out I didn't go with him if I didn't want to, I did a degree, which he has never congratulated me on and I thought things were ok. I always asked him if he was happy, any problems etc. he always said yes, no problems. I am intelligent and attractive and have been told by friends to leave him but I never seem to have the strength. I was so shocked in May to find out that he had been going to the local pub when I was working on Monday evenings and had met up with an old flame. He said they were only friends - a week later I am a bitch, fat cow, unfanciable etc., and he wants it over. He told me that he is going to move this girl in as a lodger, as soon as I move out, which is now imminent, she has a child of 4, he always maintained he didn't want children! He's a complete stranger - again. I feel like I'm going insane. I still think I love him because the pain is so bad. I don't think I will trust anyone again. He's told me that there is no way anyone else will put with me and I believe him. I have been reading about narcissism and think that he suffers from this - I know I'm only looking for reasons but he just seems to fit the criteria. He has no empathy or feelings towards me at all yet two months ago we were sharing the same bed! Now its like he hates me. Yet if I'm quiet and don't mention his new girl we get on fine as if nothing is happening - what is this all about! How do I get through this! __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview. __________
Dear Friend, Thank you for your email. I am sorry to hear about your situation. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I too was together with narcissist for several years and during that time narcissist was blaming me of all the problems we had in our relationship. I never had problems like that in my previous relationships, so I think it is safe to say that I was not the source of our problems. But when I was in the middle of the situation, in the "eye of the storm" so to speak, I was not able to see things clearly. 
Based on what you tell about the past behavior of your spouse, his behavior sounds very similar to the behavior of my former narcissistic partner. He was also emotionally cold and distant, always criticizing other people but could not accept any criticism himself. Narcissists are always trying to control other people. Tracking equipment, phone bugging and other things you mention are forms of control narcissist is trying to exercise on you. You said you think you still love your spouse, because you are feeling such pain. It is important that you understand the pain you are feeling is not related to the feeling of love towards your spouse. You do not really love someone who is behaving so badly towards you. Instead, what happened to you is the same thing that happened to me. As the years went by I slowly became mentally "addicted" to my relationship and to my narcissistic spouse (you can read more about the mental addiction to narcissistic spouse elsewhere on this website. I also recommend you to read about the mind control methods from the page Recovery After Cheating and Living with a Narcissist. If you are able to control your emotions it will be easier for you to break free from a narcissist). My friends told me I should leave him. Everyone said to me I could do so much better, but I thought I "loved" him and so I stayed. Later I realized I had merely been in love with the dream image I had created of him. The person I loved did not exist in real life. Please read this thread in discussion forum for more details about my relationship and how I was able to free myself from my narcissistic partner: How I was able to end relationship with my narcissistic spouse. You can also read my posts in this other thread. I wish to say to you exactly the same things I have said to these people in my posts: Click to read the thread. You are not in love with the monster who is treating you like dirt. You are in love with that handsome, charming, exciting and mysterious man you got to know in the beginning of your relationship. You are feeling pain when you think of him being together with someone else. You feel pain because you feel you have lost something precious: The amazing, wonderful person who loved you. It helps you to cope better with situation when you realize you never had the pure, unconditional love of your narcissistic partner in a first place. Of course your spouse has been caring for you and even loving you in his way, but sad truth with narcissists is that they can only love other people to certain extent. They always love themselves a bit more and that often leads to problems in their relationships. You mentioned you had to start to take antidepressants to be able to cope with your relationship and with your narcissistic man. People take antidepressants to get over difficult periods in their lives. Antidepressants are sometimes very helpful and can carry a person over dark times in life, but the goal is to get rid of the factors which are causing depression in a first place.  Relationship should be a source of happiness and motivation. In your case the role of your relationship is the opposite: It is causing you stress, anxiety and depression. You can deal with your relationship when you take antidepressants, because medication is making your emotional life a bit "flat". People who are taking antidepressants are often reporting that they are not feeling emotional pain or stress, but on the other hand they are not able to feel strong positive emotions either. If one takes antidepressants for long period of time they are causing more damage than good. Antidepressants are meant to be used for relatively short period, simply to carry person over the hardest times, and they should be stopped when person is again strong enough to carry on without the help of medication.
Dear Friend, please do not understand me wrong. I totally understand your situation and I am not judging you for taking antidepressants. I have been in that same dark hole, thinking I am never going to get out, feeling anxious, depressed and hopeless. It is totally acceptable and normal to seek help from medication in your situation. It is a sign of wisdom that you are not just sitting still, not doing anything and just letting the situation get worse. You are showing strong spirit when you are trying to help yourself the best you can even tho your situation has been so difficult. You are helping yourself also by writing to me. I am sure your situation would be a lot worse now if you did not seek for help. I am glad you did it. It is important to remember that antidepressants can help you to balance the biochemistry of your brain artificially for some time and that it is a great help for you, but in a long run you must be able to maintain that balance without external aid (medication). This requires that you get rid of the stressing factor in your life, namely your narcissistic spouse. I am glad that this is already happening! Please do not try to find a way to stay together with your narcissistic man, you are so much better off. Your spouse has been acting very cruel and uncaring towards you. It will make you feel better if YOU are the one who makes the final decision to end the relationship. From now on forget what your spouse is doing or saying, do not pay any attention to it. Take the control of your own life, make the decision to end the relationship and do not look back. This man will only bring you more suffering if you try to stay with him. Things will only get worse and even if they do not, you are most likely not able to forget all the bad things your narcissistic spouse has done to you. 13 years is a long time to be together with someone, but it does not mean you are tied to that person for life. You can still have a wonderful, happy life when you get rid of this dark shadow. The first few months after separation are always the hardest. Please feel free to write to me as often as you want. I am happy if I am able to help you to get through this and to give you support and encouragement! You are already on the winning side. Now the only thing you must deal with is the mental pain due to separation. You find much help for that from this website. Please familiarize yourself with following articles: Controlling Your Emotions How to Leave a Narcissist Healing After Cheating Biochemistry of Love I am glad you wrote to me. Please keep writing and let me know how you are doing. You are not alone. My thoughts are with you and I am here for you. Warm hug, - Maria Dear Reader, you can write to me and tell about your own experiences by going to page Personal Stories: Narcissistic Spouse, Information. If you wish to read more about me and my background, please go to page Site Overview. From Site Overview you can read short description of contents of this site. If you are interested in topics related to cheating, narcissism, mind and brain, please feel free to read my blog. Blog is being updated on daily basis. In case you want to read about methods I used to teach my mind to let go of "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, please visit pages Control Your Emotions and Recovery After Cheating. If you are in relationship with a narcissistic mental abuser, I believe you will find useful information from this site that will help you to heal. You can also go to other sections of this site by clicking Main Menu links (left bar). If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click
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Stories - Narcissism 
the list goes on.
he never bought me gifts for my birthdya but if he felt guilty for what i bought him he would justify giving me things that he got for free and add up the value.
he ats in food kitchens and churches..
he lives on the east side of manhattan in a 2000p.00 a moth studio that i suppose his moter pays for but i have no idea what he does or how he does it. he seems to live a secret life.
i only saw him at night.
he would only text me to "visit" with his dog and then "inspect" my apartment and leave after criticising it.
or just come and have sex and leave....
or to eat...
but this is only a tidbit
i feel washed up
he was rude and mean and i hate myself for going back and thinking it would work
i just left him on the corner last week after he disrespected me and he apologzized by text bu I just could not take his crap anymore.
walking 10 feet in front of me anytime we would go out. being rude, not holding doors for me,
talking to me like i am a dog.
he stopped emailing and calling and i dont even miss him anymore. he is probably screwing whatever he can and i dont care. i just feel worn and depressed but alone is better than with him.