Dear Friend,

Thank you for sending me your email. I am sorry to hear about what you have been going through. I know how stressing life can be with a narcissist. You said you already moved out and left him once but he lured himself back into your life. It is great that you have already been able to leave once. First time is always the hardest, next time will be much easier. Now you have tasted the life without your narcissistic partner and hopefully seen how peaceful and relaxed your life could be without the constant complaints, controlling and abuse performed by your narcissistic partner.

I know how frustrated you must be feeling now when he has been able to sneak back into your life and is again playing his old games. But please do not be too hard on yourself. It is so hard to break free from narcissist that only very few of us are able to do it on the first attempt. It took long time for me to finally break free and end relationship with my narcissistic partner. Please read this thread in discussion forum for more details about my relationship and how I was able to free myself from "my" narcissist: How I was able to end relationship with my narcissistic spouse. Please read also my posts in this thread, they point out couple important points regarding the behavior of narcissists: Click to read the thread. 

I tried to leave several times without success. Then things went so bad that I simply reached my limit and could no longer take his rude behavior and lack of empathy. I realized that if I stayed with him I would spend the rest of my days living unhappy and insecure life. All the cards were on the table, there were no question marks regarding how my life with him would be. I knew the personality of my narcissistic spouse all too well. Sadly I knew he could not and would not change.

In order to free myself from the mental hooks my narcissistic spouse had embedded into my brain, I started to teach myself a new way of viewing my life. If you can control your emotions instead of letting your emotions control you, it is much easier for you to leave and to regain your mental balance. Read more about how to teach your brain and your mind to adopt a different approach during tragedies in life from page Recovery After Cheating and Living with a Narcissist. 

You have been with your narcissistic partner nine long years. You know him very well by now. Do you think your narcissistic spouse is capable of changing his ways and suddenly turn into that wonderful, charming man you fell in love with all those years ago? Dear Friend, I think you know the answer. I understand how hard it is to leave when you feel you are still strongly in love with your narcissistic partner. But nine years is a long time to wait for better tomorrow. Please do not wait another nine years. Even tho you may not feel like it now, your life will be so much better once you cut off the malignant tumor (narcissist) that is hiding your sun.

When I look back today I can say that I do not hate my former narcissistic partner. I do not think he is an "evil" person. I think he simply is lacking the necessary tools to understand how people around him are feeling when he is treating them in a certain way. Sadly my former narcissistic spouse is lacking the ability to feel empathy towards others. In the same time he has his own wishes and desires regarding his life and his future. This can be very dangerous combination. This kind of person is always putting himself as a priority when he wants to achieve something or possess something. He simply cannot understand that someone could get hurt in a process. In a way his understanding of right and wrong has been corrupted due to the lack of empathy.

As I said, I do not hate my former narcissistic spouse. But I could never again bring myself to live with a person like him. Even tho I felt I loved him very strongly I knew I would have to leave him. It made my decision easier when I realized that my narcissistic spouse did not really love me. Perhaps he did love me in his own strange way, but his love was not as strong as my love towards him. If he truly loved me he could never have behaved the way he did.

I forced myself to look into mirror and face the fact that my life would be an endless misery if I stayed with my narcissistic spouse. I asked myself did I want that kind of life and I answered myself honestly. My answer was "NO". Please ask yourself the same question and answer yourself honestly. The behavior of your partner is intolerable. He has no respect for you. His comments regarding your birthday present (trip) are clear indication of his lack of empathy. Ask yourself could you ever say something like that to someone you love. I believe your answer is "NO". Then ask yourself how long you can tolerate this kind of cold, uncaring and rude person near you. I wish your answer is "not for long".

When I realized that my narcissistic partner did not really love me it became easier for me to leave. I realized that I never had what I thought I have (his strong love) and so I would not really "lose" anything when I leave. Instead I would gain my peace of mind, mental balance and eventually my happiness. Dear Friend, do not waste your precious life with someone who is not worthy of you. You deserve so much better.

Please feel free to write back to me and let me know how you are doing. I would be happy to hear from you. If you decide to leave your narcissistic partner I will support you every way I can during the first difficult weeks and months, as long as you need me. You are not alone. If I was able to break free, you can do it too. Trust yourself. You are stronger than you think!

Lots of strength and warm thoughts, 

 - Maria

Ps. I strongly recommend you to learn more about the mind control methods described on the page Recovery After Cheating and Living with a Narcissist.