Anyway, we are still together and despite all the difficulties when we are together when he is feeling good - these times are still the most exciting, wonderful times and when I think of why this is, it just seems to me like we feed off each other. I must confess that the complicated situation with my husband (separation agreement gives him primary custody of the children because he had some circumstantial evidence that my partner was possibly violent) has somewhat acted as a buffer that helps me because I had to take a job in another country in order to see my children. So in a way, the separation in distance served to give me some space, which sometimes I am relieved for, and yet other times I pine and crave him.

Dear Friend,

Thank you for writing to me. I know how you are feeling at this moment. I have been in similar situation. First of all, let me comment on couple points in your email. You wrote: 

>>

I left my husband of 15 years and 4 children because I felt that only he was able to complete me and give me what I needed at the time - he was then my slave and showered incredible levels of attention and love and affection on me, and gave me everything my husband could not - I know it sounds like I must be a horrible person to have done that, but I did.

>>

You are NOT a horrible person. However, I do realize what you were thinking when you wrote this. Yes, you did hurt your husband and your children when you left. On the other hand, I have also felt that incredibly strong and powerful "pull" towards narcissist. My narcissistic spouse was like a mental magnet to me. I knew he was not good for me and yet I was pulled towards him so strongly that I had no chances to resist. Please read this thread in discussion forum for more details about my relationship and how I was able to free myself from my narcissistic partner: How I was able to end relationship with my narcissistic spouse. Please read also my posts in this second thread, they point out couple important points regarding narcissists and their behavior: Click to read the thread. 

After being together with him for some time my relatives and friends all started telling me he was not compatible with me. They said they could clearly see I was not fully happy with him, and yet I stayed. I simply could not leave him. The pull of the magnet was too strong. If you felt that same kind of pull towards your narcissistic partner in the beginning of your relationship, you would have to be some kind of a superhuman to be able to resist that. So please do not blame yourself. You are only human.

It is possible to learn to control one's emotions in such a way that one can get rid of the mental hooks narcissist had embedded into one's brain. To read more about the ways to control your mind and your emotions, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Living with Narcissist.  

I believe you have been suffering when you left your husband and children for this man. I do not believe you are a heartless person who just did that without blinking an eye, following your own desires, without giving a damn about the well-being of your family. I believe the decision to leave your husband and children was very hard when you made it. You were facing two horrible scenarios and out of them you had to choose. One scenario was that you stayed with your family and suffered being without the man you loved (but your family would have been be happy, so you would have sacrificed your own happiness for the sake of your family). Second scenario was that you left your family and you could live with the man you loved. Your family would be hurt at first, but they would get over it with time.

After all, it is not like you killed somebody, you simply followed your heart. People do that all the time all around the world. If the truth was that you did not love your husband as much as you loved this other man, you would have made your husband unhappy if you stayed with him. In a long run your children would be happier having a mother who is not living with them but who is happy rather than having a mother who is living with them but who is unhappy. Children have extremely keen instincts regarding these matters.

Having said that, now please let me comment on the parts of your email regarding your narcissistic partner. You wrote:

>>

He tells me that I deliberately do things that upset him even though it should be clear to me, so it is my fault that he has the uncontrollable anger

>>

I heard EXACTLY the same sentence from my narcissistic spouse countless of times. Whenever he would get upset and started shouting and criticizing me, after he calmed down he would say this same thing. He always claimed it was my fault that he was behaving with me the way he was. He said I triggered his behavior by being the way I was. However, I had never faced similar problems in my earlier relationships so I believe the way I behaved was not the core of the problem. Based on your email you seem to have realized that it is not due to your behavior that your spouse is being for example violent. It is great that you realize you are not to blame of it. Nothing justifies violence.

It is interesting that you are saying you feel you are in a way "feeding on each other". I believe you are right. It is important to realize that there is a bit of narcissism in all of us. If you imagine there are such things as 100% narcissism and 0% narcissism, most of us are somewhere in between, some being a bit more bent to narcissistic side, others bent to the opposite side. It is healthy and beneficial for an individual to guard his or her interests and be a bit selfish (or "narcissistic" if you will) in certain situations. Throughout the evolution it has been crucial for the survival of the individuals and hence species to look after one's own interest. This is the reason there is narcissism in our population in a first place.

If narcissism would not be somehow beneficial it would have disappeared from our population long time ago. However, luckily only very few of us are so-called malignant narcissists. You say you have some narcissistic features in you. You may be correct but based on your email I do not believe you are anywhere near being a malignant narcissist. Instead, your partner seems to be more bent to that direction. His behavior towards you is cruel, cold and heartless. Physical violence is always wrong, nothing justifies that. The fact that he is acting violent towards you is already giving him huge amount of negative points. Other things you mention in your email about his behavior are supporting my view that he is severely narcissistic person. 

I think you are going through the same phase I went through during my relationship with narcissist. During the last years of my relationship I gradually started to resent my narcissistic spouse more and more. I still felt I loved him (that is why I could not leave him) but due to his cruel and uncaring behavior towards me I started to have other feelings too. I felt time to time deep resentment and anger towards him. I started to despise him due to his bad behavior. Most importantly, I started to see him for what he truly was.

In the beginning of the relationship I had been head over heels in love with him and totally blind to all "flaws" in him. I believe it has been the same with you in your relationship. In the beginning we do not yet know the other person well and so we are building our own dream image of our partner. As time goes by we start to see the real person and it is often rather ugly sight. It sounds like this is now happening to you. You have started to have doubts about your relationship. That is why you wrote to me. It is great that you sent me your email. It is clear that this relationship is not good for you in a long run (or even in a short run).

You have taken the first step towards recovery by writing to me. Now all these things are no longer only in your head. You have made a contact with someone who has been through what you are now going through and who can see things more clearly from an outsider's point of view. I know all too well the path you are now traveling. I know you are still having hopes that you might be able to have a happy life (or at list some kind of life) with this man. But you are slowly starting to realize how your life is going to go if you stay with him and that realization is horrifying to you. That is the reason you went to internet to look for information about these matters.

His behavior regarding your pregnancy is also very cold and cruel. However, the way he is reacting is not surprising considering other things you told in your email about his behavior. It is clear that this man has no empathy towards you. You are pregnant with his child. Ask yourself: If he REALLY loved you do you think he would behave like that towards you? Could YOU behave like that towards someone you love? I think your answer is same as mine.

You wrote that in a way you feel it is "selfish" of you to wish to keep the baby since you love nursing etc. Dear Friend, it is perfectly natural for a woman to wish to have a baby, especially with a man she loves. If you did not feel the way you do regarding the baby, there would be something wrong with you. Same goes to a man. I am sorry to say this, but the fact that your man is blaming you for not being "careful enough" tells its own language. It is not your responsibility alone, he is also involved. And most importantly, if he loved you as much as you love him, even if he felt that this was not the right time for the baby he would not talk to you like that or behave like that. I believe in your heart you know this too. 

The question you must ask yourself is this: Do you wish to live the rest of your life like this? If the answer is yes (if you feel you love this man so much that you absolutely cannot leave him no matter what) then your future is very clear. You do not have to go through withdrawal symptoms which are always following the separation. But you are never going to be fully happy. If you choose to stay with him your life will most likely be rather sad for the rest of your life. Of course there can be moments of happiness but in a big picture you cannot reach full happiness, not with someone who has been physically abusing you and treating you like this. Even if he would change today completely, do you think you could forget what he has already done to you? Bad memories would always be there. However, that question is unfortunately hypothetical, since narcissists can very rarely change. If there is a change it will be for the worst.

Your other option is to leave this man. If you do that you must go through a period during which you experience painful withdrawal symptoms. This happens to every drug addict and narcissists are like drug. One gets hooked so fast and so strongly. But after this painful period, your life WILL be happier. No more sadness, depression and anxiety due to his cruel and uncaring behavior towards you. When I left my narcissistic spouse the first couple months were hard. After that it got easier and easier. Then one day I woke up and I realized I was HAPPY. It will happen to you too, trust me. 

It is in your hands what kind of decision you make. I wish you will leave this man because I can see so clearly based on my own experience where the things are going if you stay with him. Also please think about this: Do you really want to have a child with a person who is treating you like that? Do you believe the child would become healthy, happy and mentally balanced human being if the father is treating mother like that? Remember what kind of a father your former husband was. I believe this man could never get anywhere near that level.

Dear Friend, you deserve so much better than this life you are now living. But I know how hard it is to leave when you feel you love the other person. It can be that you will stay with him for some time, even couple more years. But eventually I believe you will find the strength to break free. It took time for me too to gather my strength. The moment will come when you feel you have reached the limit of your endurance and then you will leave. When that moment comes, please do not hesitate to write to me.

Please remember that you can write to me anytime you feel like it, regardless of whether you have left him or not. I know how hard it is to leave. I am not judging you for staying. I am here for you to support you and help you the best I can. But if you decide to leave, I will support you every step of the way. It helps when you can share those first difficult months ofter separation with somebody who has been through the same. Please do not hesitate to write. I am here for you. Together we will get you through this. 

My thoughts are with you. 

Warm hug,

 - Maria

Ps. I strongly recommend you to learn more about the mind control methods described on the page Recovery After Cheating and Living with a Narcissist.

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