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Hi Maria, We met 6 years ago on the internet. He told me he had been divorced for 3 years, and that he had had an affair that ended his marriage that he deeply regretted. We quickly fell in love, he is charismatic, driven, successful in his work, attentive and charming, highly sexed and a bit of an excitement junky. In fact, I always found it hard to keep up with him in most respects. He moved from up north to be with me down south after 3 months of spending weekends together. We spent a heady year and a half together before things started to go wrong. He was always a little critical of me sexually, although at first I took it as a joke. I continually asked him what he expected from our sexual relationship, but he was always unable to verbalize his needs. He slowly withdrew his attentions towards me until his periods of coldness and detachment became regular.
Sometimes we would be out with friends and he would charming to everyone else but ignore me totally and I had done nothing wrong. He said it was out of sexual frustration. I would beg him to talk to me but he wouldn't. He would blame me and say I was cold and that I was not sexual enough for him, despite the fact that I felt our sex life was OK - alright I am not one to do it twice a day, but we always did it at least every couple of days. Luckily I am a strong person and could clearly see that I was not the one to change in the relationship - he was! I believe he simply got bored.  I eventually found out he had been having an affair. He blamed me and said that I was controlling and cold and that he was sexually frustrated, despite the fact that I turned myself inside out to try and please him. 2 years after throwing him out, I discovered some of his paperwork in the loft and that he had been married and living with his wife and 2 kids when we met - I had no idea! He once said that he had an affair and cheated on me because he had 'denied himself' for long enough!
Within that 2 years he has constantly sought for a reconciliation and I have fallen for it every time. At Christmas, after yet another 3 months of not speaking (I kept trying to move on), after he kept asking, I said I agreed to try again with him, but he demanded I wait until he had spent Christmas and New Year with his (then current) girlfriend as he did not want to hurt her, and guess what - I actually did it. I thought I was going to go out of my mind. I even contemplated suicide as I sat at home beside myself with pain and tears on Christmas day and New Year's Eve whilst he was with her. He did finish with her as promised in the New Year but then announced that as I had caused him such hassle over the festive season, it made him remember how difficult I was and that he didn't think it would work between us. Since then, he has tempted me back and changed his mind several times. Eventually, for my sanity, I decided to go abroad for 6 months to break free. This really upset him and he periodically e-mails me declaring his undying love and promising me a reconciliation when I return. He now has another girlfriend but says he is just passing the time with her until I return as he really wants to be with me as i am the love of his life.
What a cold heartless man he is. The problem is, I love him and believe it or not, I still consider going back sometimes! I am disgusted with myself! I have made several attempts to move on with my life and have had a couple of short term boyfriends. My husband seems to think that this makes us equal in some way - and that i am 'just as bad as him' as i have been with other men. However, i point out to him that I never cheated and would never had another man in my life if he hadnt done what he did. I have had boyfriends when we have not been speaking and have agreed to part for good. But inevitably, one of us weakens and contacts the other. I can't blame him, I am just as guilty on this front.
I have met a wonderful man here who knows all about my situation and I have even told him that i still have feelings for my husband. My new boyfriend says he will wait for my to get my head together as he is in love with me. I feel I am going a little insane. We have been apart for over 2 years now. I served divorce papers on my husband and he just ripped them up and threw them away and said that he still wants to grow old with me and loves me.
Does he really? Am I missing something here? Is he a narcissist? He jokingly once told me that an ex girlfriend had called him a narcissist. At the time I had never heard of the word - but looking it up on your website - it seems a possibility, although he is not quite as extreme as some of the descriptions portray. He does however view sentimentality as a weakness and hates tears and emotional issues. He admires strength (i.e. people being hard) and seems to desire the type of sexual gratification that comes either with a new or illegitimate relationship. I know that if I am sick or in pain, he has no interest - he has proved that.
I could write so many things - but dont want to ramble. I think i know the answer here - but am looking at some sort of confirmation.
Can you offer any words of wisdom? Please? __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview. __________ Dear Friend, Thank you for your email. I am glad you have found my website. You are wondering if your husband is narcissistic. I have received all sorts of stories from people who are dealing with mental abusers and narcissists. In some cases it is not easy to tell whether a man is a narcissist or merely a bit cold and uncaring without actually knowing the person. Some cases, on the other hand, are very clear. Your case belongs to the latter category. Based on your description, there is no shadow of a doubt about the fact that your husband is extremely narcissistic. My previous spouse was so much like the man you describe in your story, and he was indeed a true narcissist. I believe it helps to have a name for the problem, and in your case the name is clear: Malignant Narcissism. I recommend you to familiarize yourself with the book Learn to Control Your Emotions. Before you can view your situation clearly and draw the necessary conclusions, you must get rid of the mental pain you are now experiencing. It is possible to learn to control the negative emotions instead of letting the emotions control you. Human brain is truly an amazing device. In this website I am describing the methods that can be used to teach the brain and the mind to deal with the tragedies in life such as cheating and dealing with a narcissist. Many of my readers have sent me email telling they have found these methods to be helpful. The positive feedback I have received is the best reward I can get, it gives me the energy to keep this website going and to carry on helping people. You can read more about this topic from page: Recovery After Cheating and Narcissism.  I am drawing the conclusions that your partner is a narcissist based on couple things in your description. First of all, there is his personal history. He started his relationship with you with a lie. That is already a big red flag, even if he was not a narcissist. And it was not a "small" lie. Any reasonable human being would realize that at some point this kind of a big lie might come out and if it does, it will ruin your trust towards him. But since this man is a narcissist, he does not think or care about that risk. The reason for this is because you are "expendable". Narcissist is getting what he is longing for, which is excitement and thrill. His goal is not to have a good and balanced relationship with you (otherwise he would not take stupid risks like lying about a huge matter like that). His goal is to satisfy his own need of adventure and thrill with a new lover (you). I have written a lot about this topic elsewhere on this website. Please read my posts on this thread, they deal with this exactly same topic, everything I am saying in my posts I want to say to you too: Click to read the thread. Once the routine steps into a relationship, a narcissist gets bored. He then starts to look for another source of excitement (you told this man had an affair). This pattern of behavior is so typical for a narcissist. It is normal in every relationship that the sharpest peak of the excitement fades after being in a relationship for 1-2 years. There are biological reasons for this (I will discuss those reasons elsewhere on this site). However, most people do not leave their partner in a cold, careless matter when the period of first excitement is over. It is true that 1-2 year "checkpoint" is the point when many relationships end. But most people do not have the need to hurt the other person when they move on. Most people wish to handle the separation in a nice and painless way. Most of us feel bad when we see someone who used to be close to us suffer. If it is us who is wishing to end the relationship, it is often very difficult to bring the topic up with our partner, because we know the other person will get hurt and we do not wish that. It is a completely different story with a narcissist. A narcissist does not care about the feelings of others, that is why it is so easy for a narcissist to move on. It is very common that the way a narcissist is moving on is by cheating on his or her partner. Your husband cheated on you and it sounded to me he never really admitted he was wrong in doing that, instead he was defending his own behavior, blaming you and claiming he was sexually frustrated (because you were not "good enough" for him) and that drove him to cheat on you. When an outsider hears that, it sounds just as it is: Incredibly rude, immature, cold and manipulative talk, with no trace of caring or humanity. Dear Friend, I do understand that when you were in the eye of the storm you could not see things clearly. It was exactly the same thing with me. I could not see clearly that my narcissistic spouse was being mentally abusive until I was able to take a bit of distance. Once I did that, I started to see the big picture and it was not a pretty sight. As I have mentioned elsewhere on this website, it is possible to learn to control one's emotions in such a way that one can get rid of the mental hooks narcissist has embedded into one's brain. Once you get rid of your addiction to a narcissist, it will be easier for you to break free. To read more about this topic and to learn ways to free your mind from the mental addiction to a narcissist, please visit page Recovery After Cheating and Living with a Narcissist. You can also read this thread in the discussion forum for more details about my relationship and how I was able to free myself from my narcissistic partner: How I was able to end relationship with my narcissistic spouse. I am so glad you are now in another country. How many months you still have left of your six month stay? I wish you still have some time left to stay away.  Your narcissistic husband told you he wanted to spend New Year with his girlfriend before letting her know he wants to break up. If he really cared for you, he would not have put you through the suffering of spending New Year alone, while he was enjoying with his girlfriend. Also, think about the situation from the point of view of his girlfriend. This man has no respect for her either. He is treating people like objects. He only seems to be thinking of himself and wants to cover his own back. He wanted to keep you both (you and his girlfriend) available for him, as he was making his decision. Perhaps he got some twisted pleasure of the fact that he knew you were waiting for him during New Year, hoping to be together with him in a short while. That made him feel powerful, a feeling that narcissist is always looking for.
Dear Friend, this man does not love you. He sees you as an object. He does not want you because he loves you, he wants to OWN you, like he owns a car or a cell phone. There is a huge difference there. You are merely a challenge to him, and once he has you (once you give in to him), he loses interest in you again. Do not think for one second that you would be "enough" for him for the rest of his life! A man who truly loves a woman does not behave the way this man is behaving towards you. Please remember this: Even if you would get back together with him, you could never trust him. He has shown you in so many ways that he is an unreliable and dishonest individual. If you get back together with him, I guarantee that your life will be miserable. You do not want to live with a cheater and a liar, do you? No, you would get depressed and eventually you might even lose your will to live. Now you have a new boyfriend, who truly loves you, and if you only are able to get mentally rid of the narcissist, you might have a wonderful, happy life with him. Narcissist has already made your life miserable for several years, please do not let him spoil your future as well! The thing that is keeping you mentally "hooked" to a narcissist is the memory of him "loving" you in the beginning of the relationship. You are holding on to that thought, hoping to get that man back. Dear Friend, you must realize that the man you fell in love with never existed. You are in love with something that was never real. You created a dream image of this man and you fell in love with that image. You are still in love with it. But please remember this: HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU BACK. He is playing a game with you, you are a challenge, nothing more. If he truly loved you, you would see it in his behavior. He would not constantly change his mind about getting back together with you. He would not risk losing you. He would not be cold and cruel towards you. He would not choose to spend holidays with someone else. Ask yourself could you do any of those thing, if you really loved another person? I believe your answer is "NO".
 Once you understand that your narcissistic spouse does not really love you (he is most likely not capable of loving ANYBODY, there is nothing wrong with you) it will be easier for you to let go of him. You would not want to spend your life with someone who does not love you, would you? I know you feel tempted to get back together with him. Dear Friend, I am asking you not to do it. If you get back, he will win his game and he will hurt you even more. It is 100% certain that you cannot be happy with him. Trust me on this one. I have been in your situation and I did go back before I was able to break free for good. Nothing changed. It will be the same for you if you get back with him. Please do not do it. Do not waste your precious life. Even thought you feel now you can never stop loving him, believe me, YOU WILL. It takes some time, but eventually your feelings start to go down as you are slowly getting rid of your addiction. I went down that same path and I survived. You can do the same. Just trust yourself! If you have a strong feeling that you want to get back together with him, please try this method: Force yourself to remember at list couple negative incidences with him, when he has made you feel really bad. Remember how he looked like and sounded like when he did those bad things to you. Remember how hurt and angry you were. Then ask yourself would you want to get back with a man like that? I do not think you would. You told me he says he wants to grow old with you. You asked could that be true. Let me tell you this clearly, Dear Friend: No, it is NOT true. If you let him lure yourself back into that dark cave where he kept you for years, he will get bored again and when that happens, it is 100% certain that he will cheat on you again, he will betray you and abandon you emotionally all over again. Everything you have been through wil happen again. And when it does, it will leave you more damaged and wounded than you are now. If you break free now, you can still recover relatively fast. If you wait several years before you really leave him (and get him out of your system) it will be much, much harder. He has already rejected you many times. If he really loved you, he would not do that. Would you reject someone you love? You would not. He does not love you, he sees you as a possible source of excitement, but the problem for you is that there are always many other sources of excitement out there. He would never be satisfied with you. Due to this he would end up cheating on you, lying to you and betraying you, making you miserable and depressed. Please do not let him do that to you!
Please let the time pass and do not be in contact with him. Think of yourself as someone who is addicted to drugs. You must now work hard in order to get rid of them. Concentrate on healing yourself from your addiction. Make it your priority. Please write to me as often as you feel like it. Writing helps you to process things better, especially when you know you are writing to someone who cares for you and wants the best for you. Dear Friend, I care for you and I will be here for you, as long as you need me. Keep writing and let me know how things are going with you! Lots of strength and a warm hug,
- Maria If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click
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