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Below is a personal story of one of the readers of my website. Dear Friend, thank you for sending your story, by doing so you are helping others to recognize the warning signs of malignant narcissism earlier. After experiencing a devastating relationship with a narcissistic spouse I created this website wishing to be able to help others who are dealing with narcissists and mental abusers. It helped me to heal when I was able to think that something good came out of all my suffering. The knowledge that you are helping others by telling your story will speed up your recovery. Your story will serve as a beacon to all those who are still in the eye of the storm, trying to break free from a toxic relationship. Thank you again for sending your story!
Warm hug,
- Maria
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My Narcissistic Husband
I can see how anyone reading this from the outside could think ‘are you a completely stupid, downtrodden, pathetic woman, how could you let someone treat you this way?’, but believe it or not, I am a strong and intelligent woman. I own my own home, I have a fantastic network of long standing friends and a good career. Unfortunately, I made a bad choice, I met and married a narcissist and have spent the last 6 years in a constant state of confusion and turmoil!
 After and exciting and passionate courting session, I fell in love. But after about a year of bliss, he began to slowly withdraw his attentions and very subtly and slowly began to eat away at my sense of self worth by undermining and combating with my beliefs, morals and values. It started out so subtly and over such a long period that although my head told me his actions and words were a little wrong (and increasingly became outrageously so), I was devotedly in love with the ‘image’ portrayed at the commencement of the relationship and in many ways felt sorry for this poor lost soul who was just misunderstood and a little ‘off kilter’ with his beliefs. After all, I wasn’t perfect either was I? – I know this because he constantly reminded me of this and pointed out my flaws and compared them to his, whilst trying to convince me that my behavior was no better than his. I didn’t realize that I was being manipulated. In a strange way, I felt I was being strong for sticking by him and trying to help him see right from wrong – after all – he couldn’t help it could he?!?!?
So why bother writing all this down? Is it because I am bitter and sad and lonely and want to get back at him? Well, yes, I am still hurt and did genuinely love this man, but after years of heartache, confusion and pain, I now realize his disorder and it is only due to this fact that I have begun to understand and recover. I see how bad it actually was how lucky I am to have realized before I wasted anymore time with this social misfit!
During my research, I read how it is more difficult to recover from a narcissistic relationship than other relationships, and this is so true, mainly because it lacks any substance – because there is nothing to mourn, the man you loved never existed – this is one of the hardest and confusing things to get your head around!
None of us are perfect, I am no different to the next woman, I have hormonal days where I can be moody and short tempered, I can be argumentative and difficult on occasion and a little contrary, I am a bloody nightmare and drive everyone mad by being so house proud, I know my faults, but I also know that I would never stoop the depths of depravity to that of my narcissistic husband. However, it took much soul searching to realize just how low I had got before I woke up and smelt the coffee! But you should also know that I still have weak days, days when I wonder ‘what if’ and then I give myself a slap and get this out and read it again!
So, if you read this and it looks and sounds horribly familiar – for god’s sake get a life! Before it’s too late! Read, understand and research – it is the only way to recover! You wont find the answers in your head – it is too confused, read and read again until you realize that you will never win or be happy with this person! You don’t even know him! His behavior only gets worse, it never gets better and the only victim here is you if you allow yourself to be!
The diary of an increasingly bad behavior of my narcissistic husband
• He told me when we met that he was 3 years divorced when in actual fact, he was still married and living with his wife and 2 young kids until he moved to my town to be with me. I didn’t find this out till we split up and I found his old divorce petition in the loft and matched up the dates.
• When I first met him, he had other women around too, so I wasn’t the only one he was cheating on his wife with, some of whom, he covertly kept in contact with throughout our relationship as I occasionally found e-mails/texts/overhear various telephone conversations. If found out, he would always explain these away with elaborate stories - they were just friends/it was the first time he had heard from them for years etc. He loved the attention and once told me how all of exes would have him back if they could (the poor things – how they missed out huh!?).
• He lied about the extent of his debts when we met. In fact he lied about pretty much everything. When the truth came to light near the end of the relationship about him being married, his debts etc., he explained it away by saying ‘I wouldn’t expect you to understand ‘real love’! I did it because I loved you so much - I couldn’t risk losing you by telling you the truth, you wouldn’t have wanted to know me if you knew’. Yeh too right! This is logic only a narcissist can make sense of!
 • He moved in with me after 3-4 months, his wife (who remember - I thought was his ex wife) used to call in the night sobbing and crying and he callously said she was a drunk and a bad mother, drunk in charge of his kids, when in fact, I now know that she was trying to come to terms with the fact that her husband had just left her for another woman (me)! He said he left her as he no longer loved her, she was always drunk and showing him up, he couldn’t take her anywhere! He told me that he had an affair whilst with her which he admitted was wrong. He said that when she asked him to make a choice between his marriage and his career and freedom, he chose his career and freedom as (he said) – he does not succumb to ultimatums and did not love her anymore anyway!. But now I can see that the poor woman was probably being subject to exactly the same behavior as I had coming! At the time, I stupidly thought that she was just struggling to come to terms with losing him, even though I thought it was odd that she was still calling after 3 years!
• On our wedding night, he was texting his ex wife in the night. When asked why – he said he was bored and couldn’t sleep! Well that’s ok then!
• On at least 2 occasions, I discovered that he was ‘linked’ to various women on the Internet. He said he didn’t know them. One, I discovered was an ex girlfriend, he explained this away – it must be some mistake, he didn’t know how the website worked and must have pressed the wrong buttons! (By the way – he works in the I.T. industry!). This was early on, and one of the ‘early warning signs’ but I chose believe him at this point and couldn’t believe he would do anything to damage our relationship.
• Over time, he told me conflicting stories about his fidelity during his 9 year relationship with his ex wife. Sometimes he would say he was faithful for the first couple of years, other times he would talk about an old friend who he periodically met up with for an evening of dinner and sex, but refused to acknowledge this as wrong saying ‘that this did not count as being unfaithful cos they were friends and had been doing that for years before him and his wife met’. When questioned over his conflicting stories, he would become irritable and say things like ‘I don’t remember, I don’t hold on to ‘detail’ like you do’.
• I once openly heard him ‘flirting’ with a secretary at his office one day on the phone (he didn’t realize I could hear him downstairs). He was using that ‘tone of voice’ that was normally reserved for his intimate conversations with me (or so I stupidly thought at that time). When questioned, he told me I was mad, he was just being friendly!
 • He would spend hours on the phone to his brother’s girlfriend. They would discuss in elaborate detail, her sex life with his brother. This used to upset me greatly (particularly as this was a woman who had tried to initiate an affair with him during his previous marriage but had never succeeded beyond a few heavy petting sessions with him). He refused to admit there was anything wrong with this behavior and it continued for months. His brother didn’t seem to mind and would join in the conversations when he was around, but his brother’s narcissistic traits were even more prominent than my husbands (but then they had the same narcissistic mother!). We had many rows over this, and to my knowledge this eventually stopped, but knowing what I know now about him, I strongly suspect that it continued, I just wasn’t witness to it.
• He told me that during his previous marriage, he and his ex wife were friends with another couple, and when the husband of the other couple ‘tried it on’ with my husband’s (then) wife, he boasted how he ‘has sex with his friends wife’ to get payback. When I looked shocked, he laughed and said how that was just a ‘phase he went through at that time’.
• He told me that on more than one occasion, when at family parties with his ex wife, he became intimate with his mother in law (his wife’s mother!). He once told me that he would have ‘gone all the way’ but she refused. This was one of the most disgusting things he told me, and again he laughed it off – it was all ‘alcohol induced and in the past’.
• He also intimated to me that there had been some sort of intimate relationship with his aunt (his father’s, brothers wife), but I never really got to the bottom of this, probably because if it ever came out, it would rip his family apart.
• He told me that he used to tell his wife he was going to drop off his dry cleaning each Saturday morning but would in fact go and have sex with a woman who lived nearby (who was known by his wife and her family). Apparently she was older than him and married, but in his words ‘grateful’ to him for showing her how to ‘have a good time’. What a hero!
• He told me that he would have parties with his ex wife and they would sometimes have group sex with friends. He also said that on occasion his brother was present and they would share partners. He laughed and I felt a bit of a prude when I looked shocked at this.
• One weekend he went up country to see his children (I was rarely invited). When I couldn’t get hold of him, I rang the hotel where he said he was staying and they informed me had not booked a room. He did not answer his phone for 24 hours. I was beside myself with worry and my gut feeling told me something was seriously not right! When I eventually got hold of him and asked him where he stayed, firstly he tried to tell me he had stayed at the hotel and when it was obvious I knew he hadn’t, he then said he had stayed with friends (friends I did not know), when I asked him why he lied – he blamed me and said I would have been angry if he told me the truth (?!?!?). He also became angry with me for ‘checking up on him’.
• He received a couple of text messages from an ex girlfriend who wanted to ‘meet him for coffee’. When I expressed my concern over this and became upset, he likened it to my one of my friendships which was with an ex boyfriend. I tried to explain that my (genuine) friendship with my ex boyfriend differed as my ex boyfriend had a new partner and had no romantic interest in me and wanted to be friends with ‘us’ as a couple, whereas his ex wanted to meet him alone and we both knew she still wanted to be romantically involved with him. But he (conveniently) refused to acknowledge the difference and accused ME of having double standards!
 • He once received a telephone call in the middle of the night from yet another ex, he told her off for calling him and told her not to call again. When I asked him why she was calling he said he had no idea and said he had not heard from her for years. But I could hear her voice also during the conversation, and she sounded surprised that he was angry with her – like they had been in contact recently. Looking back, I guess I wanted to believe him, but deep down, I knew!
• He seemed to have a lot of enemies (women), who would send him ‘hate mail and texts’. He seemed to delight in the attention. He once joked how one ex had called him a narcissist – like it was a compliment! He often told me not to worry about this, they were just jealous, I should be happy because I was the one he was with (wasn’t I lucky?)!
• He was secretive and would often not answer his phone to me, he would mostly switch it off, keep it on ‘silent’ when we were together and I was NEVER allowed to answer it. He explained this away by saying that he didn’t want our precious time together to be interrupted by the phone and he didn’t want me answering because if it was work calling, it would look unprofessional if his wife were to answer. I had no choice but to accept this as there was clearly no compromise. I convinced myself that this was just one of his little foibles.
• I was once sent anonymous e-mails, which were copies of e-mails that he had sent to other women. There were 2. One was to an ex girlfriend inviting her for a night out when I was due to be away that weekend. Another was to his ex mistress (from his first marriage), which talked about meeting up and ‘staying over’. This forced me to start facing the fact that there was something seriously wrong. I asked him to leave, which he did for a couple of days. He made a big song and dance and created elaborate stories of why he had done this – he never intended to go, they were just friends, I was reading too much into it etc etc. When it became clear I was having none of it, he became childlike and apologetic and swore to never do it again and he came home swearing to change his behavior – he said all the right things and cos I loved him, I wanted to believe him – that he would change, but guess what, he didn’t! He just became more careful not to get caught! He often reminded throughout the rest of the relationship, how callous I had been in ‘throwing him out’ (conveniently forgetting the reasons behind it). I was the bad guy here – of course!
• On several occasions, we would be on a night out and he would completely ignore me whilst being pleasant to other people. He would refuse to discuss the matter with me when I became upset. He would eventually say it was sexual frustration (i.e. my fault), so as well as being the victim, I was made to feel responsible.
• He constantly told me I was ‘cold’ and ‘not a sexual person’. In a constant battle to understand what he felt ‘I was lacking’ in our relationship, I tried to discuss this with him many times, but he always seemed unable to verbalize his requirements in terms of either quality or quantity of sex and intimacy and refused to talk about it when pinned down, but continued to blame and criticize me constantly for his emotional withdrawal from me – it was my fault, I was the cold one! Over time, even though I stood my ground with him, inside, this made me feel inadequate and confused about who I really was. When I argued the point he would say ‘everyone thinks you are cold – just ask around’. So I did – and this was the point when my friends and family began to tell me that I was being manipulated and expressed their concerns for me and their mistrust of him!
 • On occasion, he would tell me of what a bad mother I was. He knew that this was a weakness and fear of mine as I had not spent as much time with my children as I would have liked during their childhood, and had confided this to him. He played on it to make me feel bad about myself when it suited him to. This obviously hurt me a lot and made me feel bad about myself. It also made me very angry and I would point out how he had actually left his children for other women! This did not seem to even hurt him, he just shrugged it off. I was pretty shocked at myself for my own behaviour during these rows, I would not normally be so callous, but by now, I was actually playing his game and dancing to his tune and bringing myself down to his level! This used to make me feel even worse about myself. There seemed to be ‘no holes barred’ during these sparring matches. It was like I was trying to be nasty to actually get through to him and find some emotion within him whilst also defending my own corner and that is just so not me!
• When I was hospitalized after a hysterectomy, he refused to pick me up from the hospital and take me home, saying he had an important meeting at work, he also refused to take any time off despite the fact that I was unable to walk for the days following the op. When I became very upset out of frustration and hurt, he showed no compassion at all. In fact, I recall sobbing my heart out in the bedroom on my return home as I was so upset by his lack of caring and coldness, during which he sat on the phone to his friend downstairs laughing and joking all the time knowing that I was so upset upstairs. When he did eventually come upstairs he put a ‘functional’ arm around my shoulder but said nothing and did not hug me and his face was cold and dispassionate. I.e. he went through the motions of comforting me, but there was no emotion behind it at all!
• Soon after this, when I was well, he took me out for dinner and told me he didn’t think things were working out because he was bored and sexually frustrated. I was beside myself with grief and he dropped me at a friends house so she could comfort me whilst I tried to come to terms with the fact that my marriage was over, he then retracted this the next day and said that he loved me so much and couldn’t split up from me and that he was sorry.
• He told me that he ‘ had always giving more than he got’ in our relationship and this was why he had become cold towards me, because I had ‘killed it in him by giving nothing back’. This confused me so much, I felt I had everything to him and loved him so much! When I suggested that if he feel that way, perhaps he shouldn’t be with me, he would say that he couldn’t leave because ‘he loved me too much’. Thanks love!
• His periods of coldness and emotional detachment became more prolonged and regular. He blamed me and said I was cold and he was frustrated and bored, but refused to talk about it or work with me to find a solution. He said it was my fault as he had tried to talk to me in the beginning of the relationship but said I didn’t want to (in reality, I had soon become fed up of the constant sexual criticism and has soon discovered that these conversations had no substance other than to demoralize me when I knew I had done nothing wrong, except perhaps not be able to keep up with his unreasonable sexual demands).
• He was unable to sit and watch a film on TV with me without touching me sexually and when I asked him if he could just cuddle me and experience companionship and non sexual intimacy he would condemn ‘companionship’ as boring – he said he could sit and hold hands and watch TV with his grandmother and that he needed more excitement than that!
• He would often make remarks and seem to take delight in humiliating me in front of people. A colleague and friend from work (when meeting him for the first time), remarked to me how he seemed to like to ‘show me up and make fun of me in front of people’. I remember feeling uncomfortable with some things he used to say in front of other people, but by then was pretty much used to it and if I challenged him, he would say he was ‘just joking’ and I was being over sensitive. (oh dear – it was obviously me - I was having a ‘sense of humor failure’).
• During a holiday abroad, he was totally cold – even more than in previous times. I suggested we split up as he seemed so unhappy, but he said he didn’t want to. He did not come near me for the whole holiday until the last night when he drank a lot and then had sex with me (I couldn’t call it making love), it was aggressive and brutal and behaved like he hated me. Afterwards he was tearful and apologetic and seemed ashamed of his behavior (I now know he was having an affair at that time).
 • When we arrived home from our holiday, I asked him to leave for a few days and really think about what he wanted, I also needed time to think things through. He reluctantly agreed and asked to return a couple of days later, but I said no as nothing had been resolved. A few days after that I discovered he was having an affair. His mistress eventually told me and although he continued to deny it and shouted for meddling in his business! Eventually he could deny it no more, then he blamed me, he said that he was sexually frustrated and bored and he had ‘denied himself’ for long enough. It was only some months later when he tried to pursue me back that he admitted any fault and went into therapy (you wasted your money there love!). Apparently even his therapist thought I was the one in the wrong!
• We never lived together again. After he moved out – over the past 2 years, he has periodically sought a reconciliation (despite always having girlfriends at the time) and promised a ‘happy ever after’ which was never fulfilled. Sometimes, (before I understood his narcissism), I would really believe he was going to change and would start to see him again, however, when I got too close, he would pull back and say that I was too controlling and he couldn’t go back to that lifestyle with me – with my controlling, cold nature and the sexual frustration and boredom. But then a couple of months later he would say how he loved me and couldn’t live without me and the cycle would start again – expensive dinners, weekends away, emotional phone calls, only to be followed by him pulling back and changing his mind again.
• At one point during a period of ‘estrangement’ when I was trying to move on from him, he hacked into my e-mails and kept tabs on what I was doing. He would also go into my personal Internet profiles and read/meddle with them. He would mail and text me - dropping hints that he knew ‘what I was up to’ and say hurtful things.
• During the time we lived apart, he once told me that I should never visit his apartment uninvited (i.e. without an appointment) as this was an infringement of his privacy. I don’t think this one needs any explanation!
• It is important to point out here, throughout all of the above, the relationship was ‘peppered’ with ‘good times’ when he was loving and attentive and would revert to his former ‘image’ of the wonderful man I had met, this kept me hooked, but these periods were always short lived and never extended beyond an evening or a weekend and were increasingly absent.
• On 2 separate occasions over a 6 month period, he was offered jobs abroad and asked me to go with him and start a new life without the outside influences (i.e. our family and friends who had by now branded our relationship as wholly unhealthy). Both times I agreed and was prepared to turn my life upside down in the vain hope we would resume our happy times, but both times, he changed his mind and went cold on me again, leaving me hurt and increasingly ‘up and down’ and not knowing what the hell was going on. Throughout all of this my self esteem and self control was spiraling downwards.
• His worst ‘game’ was when I allowed him to convince me that we would reconcile (once again) and life would be wonderful, he painted a picture of how we would renew our wedding vows etc, however he said that I had to wait until after his birthday, Xmas and New Year because he couldn’t finish with his (then) girlfriend as he didn’t want to upset her – after all, she had made all these plans for them! I visited his apartment on at least 2 occasions during this period, and he would ask me to wait downstairs upon my arrival because he had to run upstairs ahead of me to put away ‘their’ holiday photos and her belongings that were in his bathroom. During this period, I reached my lowest point. I remember his birthday, he was with her, but was texting me saying how he really wanted to be with me. I got so low I actually felt that I could not go on and considered suicide. I text him and told him how I felt and he didn’t even bother to pick up the phone to see if I was ok.
• Eventually I came abroad for 6 months to escape the constant merry go round,. My very sanity depended upon it. I felt I was losing my mind. Even whilst here he has text me and said ‘I swear on my children’s lives that if you come back I will make everything ok, it is you I want, I wish I had done things differently, if I had my time again I would have, you are the love of my life, I want to grow old with you, there will never be anyone else for me etc.’ - despite the fact that he has yet another girlfriend, but says he is just passing the time with her until I return, he says he loves her but is not in love with her. He does not see just how wrong this sounds! He says I am doing the same thing as him (i.e. I am just as bad as him) as I have met someone new here, but distance has brought perspective and I know the difference here, is that my relationship is a true attempt to move on and meet someone decent and forget him whereas his partners (including me) are a pure source of narcissistic supply and one that I no longer wish to be a part of.
• My last contact with him was via the computer – his favorite stomping ground (he never bothered to pick up the phone). I told him I no longer wished to have contact as I had met someone else and apart from anything else, it was disrespectful to my new partner. His parting shot was ‘ok, well when you get back if you are free, maybe we can start again’. (Hardly the words of a husband who truly loves me and wants me back!). When I told him that was unlikely he said ‘well your new partner will eventually cheat on you too – any man would!’ Nice – his last ditch attempt to make me feel worthless and that he was all I deserved – and it worked – for about 5 minutes!
My husband's narcissistic traits
 • For the first 18 months he was wonderful, loving, kind, shared all my hopes and dreams, he literally swept me off my feet. I thought I had met my soul mate! He told my friends and family how he would move mountains to be with me and in fact did (in is words – he moved hundreds of miles, from being near his kids, from his business to be with me – and how NOTHING would have kept him apart from me). In reality and unbeknown to me at that time, his business was finished, he was in debt, his wife had got wise and filed for divorce – and then – I came along!
• He was estranged from both parents. His father left when he was 3 and his mother continually told him from a young age what a bad person he was (evil, the devil and suchlike). This is a typical narcissists background.
Over time he revealed himself to me as being:
• Without boundaries (moral/sexual etc)
• Without values
• Had an ‘anything goes if it feels good’ mentality – with no regard to who might get hurt in the process. A complete disregard for ‘right from wrong’.
• Refused to openly acknowledge anything wrong in immoral behaviour in others and would pass it off as mildly amusing (unless he was trying to gain credibility in any given situation – then he would readily agree it was wrong).
• Saw emotional needs and feelings of others as a weakness and openly said so
• Showed little or no compassion for anything or anyone (i.e. if they were ill, hurt, grieving or suchlike), in fact he would often comment on and scorn their weakness.
• He could be charismatic, successful, charming and well mannered, immaculately dressed and a real magnet to women and constantly used it to his advantage to make himself feel omnipotent.
• He has a huge collection of porn (internet/magazines).
• He has unrealistic expectations of sex. His sexual needs could never be met with one person over a prolonged period because he constantly craves the type of sex that can only be found in a new or illicit relationship and is critical of his partner when she cannot constantly live up to that and will use it as an excuse to seek thrills elsewhere as he feels it is his right!
• Is now very successful at work and earns a huge salary. He can be generous (but only with money – he gives nothing of himself), then congratulates himself constantly on his generosity. What a great guy he is!
• Puts money and his career before anything or anyone despite the circumstances.
• He accused me of being a whore when I embarked on another relationship after our break up and ranted how ‘he didn’t want to be with a woman like me anyway’ (i.e. a slag and an whore – where his words I think).
• Who accused me of being a liar and a cheat and no better than him when I did not want to give him details or admit to everything that had gone on in my relationships whilst I was apart from him and trying to move on from him. He constantly reminded me how this made my behaviour just as bad as his.
• Who still tries to convince me that I am the love of his life but seems to quite successfully and openly see other women (but this is ok as he is just passing the time with them till I come back – apparently). Anyway, this is ok in his book and isn’t he being a good boy by admitting it and being honest with me about his other relationships now whereas before he kept them a secret?! This seems to be the sum total result of his therapy – his new found honesty – unfortunately – it doesn’t extend to his girlfriends – i.e. he doesn’t tell them about me – he just tells me about them!
• He constantly says he is not attracted to women with money – it means nothing to him, but he keeps dating them anyway! (Even though it is really me he loves of course!).
• He was massively in debt when we met, moved into my house and integrated into my life, but went on to earn a high salary and become very successful in his job, but whilst his life, wardrobe, bank account and general wealth improved, he shared nothing apart from buying the odd present or paying for a couple of holidays then would constantly congratulate himself on his generosity. In fact, that’s probably when he didn’t need me anymore – he could move on to ‘richer pickings’ perhaps?
• Was constantly secretive – I didn’t know his friends, where he was, who he was with much of the time, and rarely invited! Although he knew all mine as was always included in everything I did.
• He has a fear of people using information about him and his weaknesses against him – but does exactly that to them!
• He changes his stories constantly and creates utter confusion.
• When he feels he is losing me, he tries to pull me back and comes up with lines like ‘if only I had done things differently, just give me one more chance and everything will be perfect’ He promises the earth but has does absolutely NOTHING to back it up!!!!
• If he thinks he has lost me, will become angry and verbally abusive and say how he never wants me back anyway and how his new partner is so virtuous whereas I am just a whore. At the time, I allowed him to do this as I (stupidly) thought he was just hurt and sounding off!
• He has left a trail of destruction and broken hearts in his wake all of which appears to feed his need for being wanted and loved, but on the flip side, takes a weird delight in anyone that hates him too!
• Who has an ex wife with a divorce petition that looks suspiciously similar to mine. Hmmm funny that!
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Stories - Narcissism 
I think I know why he is like this, his mother is 100% Narc, she's a psycho and I am very afraid of her. I don't really know what to do now. We have three kids, I am on maternity leave an am going to resign soon. I was thinking in my head that if I'm strong enough I will stay but emotionally detach myself until the kids are older. Once the kids can take care of themselves then I will make a decision but in meantime I think I need someone to talk to and share my feelings. Obviously I can't do it with him because he's so emotionally unavailable. O and I forgot to mentions he has a huge collection of porn and he's always searching for porn and sex chat sites on his phone. This has always bothered me and I have asked him repeatedly to stop, he will not. God help me!
I happened to stumble upon this page after googling "how to recover from being manipulated" in a desperate need to find something, ANYTHING that will make me feel better about this situation. I've been reading all of your posts and am so relieved to find that I am not the only one this has happened to! Gah.
For years and yrs i have dealt with a narcistic husband after 12 yrs of living in total confusion and getting myself into counseling. i finally got the strength to leave him for the second time. then the games began i had thought once i left heck he did not want me anyway then it would be the end of the games instead i found he hung on for dear life and used my family, friends the few i had, the church leaders, members, and the dcs the schools, any person connected to the kids etc and last but not least the court system to attack me.
it has been 30 yrs and he still uses our adult children to get to me or should say he tries too. I never understood him or his behavior until last night i was talking to my girlfriend about his behavior to one of our kids. and she said oh that is easy he is narcistic my ex husband that is.
I started to look it up and it was as if every word fit him and our relationship. it was as if someone else understood for the first time I realized I was not alone nor have been.
I have moved on from the relationshp and have found happiness and peace and i am now happily married to a mentally healthy person.
a lot of my friends though have told me to write a book about my life i have said noone would beleive me or what i have been through. the hard part for me now is seeing how he has tried to turn the kids away from me and still finds a way to turn it all on me.
for so many years i just wanted to understand him and his behavior so I could deal with it better. but since then I have just come to except him as he is and just point blank go on with my life which i did. and stay out of his way and life. if he is mentioned which he is allot by one of my kids I smile and say the niceest thing about him i can think of. i try to focus on his good points and keep my other opinions to myself.
I have also learned allot about myself too and the problems i had and the reasons i got into a relationship with him in the first place. I have come to see myself as I am and as I was and I have done all in my power to change into the person I should be for me and the relationships I have now.
I might add the marraige i have now is wonderful because my strengths are appreciated and loved and excepted along with my weaknesses. and i do not have to be anyone or act any way my spouse luvs me for me and so i choose not to look into my past very often.
i have found that the past is a painful and hurtful place and to me i choose not to life my life in it if that makes sence thank you for this site and for helping me to understand just me ginger