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Dear Maria,
The other day my recently acquired therapist suggested that my boyfriend may be a narcissist. I look into it and - Eureka! That's it! It's NOT my fault! He's the delusional one! And I was about to marry this guy and spend my life heavily medicated! I had been suffering moments of debilitating depression since having rekindled a long distance relationship with N. Weeks of misery, loneliness and self flagellation followed. It was so bad I called a Crisis Hot Line. Something totally out of my nature. I am a very strong, smart, independent and resourceful person who rarely asks for help. I had felt the same way years before when N and I were 'together'. Being unduly criticized, brushed off, told I needed to get help because I "was an unhappy/ spoiled/ bitch/ neglectful mom...". I needed to change - or else! I needed to live by his ideals - or else!
He said he wanted a family, I bought the house, he was never around, never moved in (he was busy and I needed to 'change'), stiffed me with the bills, showed up when he felt like it, beat me down with words, criticized, told me what to do, rarely returned my calls, chastised my friends... He says it's my fault, I didn't change, I didn't choose his way. I was a depressed, isolated single Mom of a two year old needing help. He would baby sit others kids and take old ladies grocery shopping before he would 'come home' and help me.
But I still loved him. It felt like the center of the universe when we went to our intimate place. I felt maybe he was right. Maybe I am not living up to my potential. Maybe I am not in touch with something deeper - because I certainly am depressed! We broke up numerous times over those few years. He always came back, prolonging the pain. Finally I had to move to a different community to get away from the hurtful memories. It took about nine months until I felt happy again, just being me. I got on with my life. He took a residency in NYC.
After months of pleading, poems and canceled trips, I relented to go for a visit - for me. We had fun. Okay. I'll get back together with N, and I will give it my best. I will make some changes. BAMB! Comes the depression and loneliness. I go again. Great time, enviable passion and romance. We only had three instances where he got 'kooky' that weekend. The basis being that I was not giving him my full worshipful attention. Big heavy fights. 'You don't know how to have a relationship!!'. I have learned that he is always right so, I agree with everything he says and apologize over and over again. After the fights he is energized, peppy, happy and horny. Not me, I'm still shaken and heavy with the weight of his tyrate.
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The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.
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Dear Friend,
Thank you for your email. I am glad to hear your positive feedback about my website. Many aspects in your story are very familiar to me. Constant criticism, ignorance, emotional coldness, demands that I should change, that the fault is in me, that he is behaving the way he is because I am the way I am (a "bad" person who does not know how to behave etc, ridiculous accusations like that)... I know all those things all too well.
 I am so sorry that you had to go through this kind of a relationship. But I am happy to hear that you are already on the winning side! You have identified the problem (his narcissism) and you are now aware that the problems in your relationship had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. You are not to blame. The problem is in HIS personality, and unfortunately that means that he is never going to be able to make you happy. It is a huge step on the road to recovery to be aware of these things.
You can now let go of the feelings of quilt and self-doubt. You could not have done anything better or differently. You did the best you can. You bought the house, you tolerated his behavior, you gave him your heart and your love. But because he is a narcissist, he cannot appreciate those things. He does not realize how much you have given him, because his life is all about HIM. He is taking it for granted that you are there for him. You must ask yourself: Do you wish to live the rest of your life with someone who does not appreciate you and your love? I think I know your answer. My answer was the same when I asked that question from myself, and I drew the necessary conclusions. I left, and I have NEVER regret it. If you wish to read about the methods I used to teach my mind to let go of my "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, visit page Recovery After Narcissism and Cheating.
If you leave him, you will feel pain for a while. But eventually you shall feel SO MUCH BETTER than you have felt during last five years. You shall regain your happiness and your mental balance. If you stay with him, you know how your life will go. All the cards are on the table, there are no question marks. You know exactly what you will get if you stay. If you wish to regain your happiness, the only way for you is out. (Click the link below to read the rest of this reply).
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I am glad you wrote to me. Please feel free to do so again anytime in the future, if you feel like it. I would be happy to hear how things are going with you! I wish you are strong enough to leave this person who is causing you such misery, but regardless of what you decide to do with your relationship, I wish to support you and help you every way I can. I am on your side. Please do not hesitate to write.
Warm thoughts,
- Maria
If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to
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Stories - Narcissism 
Narcissists have a way of getting under your skin & it takes alot of work/soul-searching to revert to your true self again-as they cause so much mental/emotional trauma!!!
The damage they cause is devastating, but we CAN'T let them win-so we have to pick ourselves up and go forward and be stronger-THIS is the way we get our sweet revenge-by being happy-as they NEVER have and NEVER will experience pure joy, love etc.....they are eternally doomed!!!