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Dear Maria,
The other day my recently acquired therapist suggested that my boyfriend may be a narcissist. I look into it and - Eureka! That's it! It's NOT my fault! He's the delusional one! And I was about to marry this guy and spend my life heavily medicated! I had been suffering moments of debilitating depression since having rekindled a long distance relationship with N. Weeks of misery, loneliness and self flagellation followed. It was so bad I called a Crisis Hot Line. Something totally out of my nature. I am a very strong, smart, independent and resourceful person who rarely asks for help. I had felt the same way years before when N and I were 'together'. Being unduly criticized, brushed off, told I needed to get help because I "was an unhappy/ spoiled/ bitch/ neglectful mom...". I needed to change - or else! I needed to live by his ideals - or else! He said he wanted a family, I bought the house, he was never around, never moved in (he was busy and I needed to 'change'), stiffed me with the bills, showed up when he felt like it, beat me down with words, criticized, told me what to do, rarely returned my calls, chastised my friends... He says it's my fault, I didn't change, I didn't choose his way. I was a depressed, isolated single Mom of a two year old needing help. He would baby sit others kids and take old ladies grocery shopping before he would 'come home' and help me. But I still loved him. It felt like the center of the universe when we went to our intimate place. I felt maybe he was right. Maybe I am not living up to my potential. Maybe I am not in touch with something deeper - because I certainly am depressed! We broke up numerous times over those few years. He always came back, prolonging the pain. Finally I had to move to a different community to get away from the hurtful memories. It took about nine months until I felt happy again, just being me. I got on with my life. He took a residency in NYC. After months of pleading, poems and canceled trips, I relented to go for a visit - for me. We had fun. Okay. I'll get back together with N, and I will give it my best. I will make some changes. BAMB! Comes the depression and loneliness. I go again. Great time, enviable passion and romance. We only had three instances where he got 'kooky' that weekend. The basis being that I was not giving him my full worshipful attention. Big heavy fights. 'You don't know how to have a relationship!!'. I have learned that he is always right so, I agree with everything he says and apologize over and over again. After the fights he is energized, peppy, happy and horny. Not me, I'm still shaken and heavy with the weight of his tyrate. We discussed him visiting me. He couldn't because he's working, limited days off, tight on cash... But he sure was up for going to Colorado on a four day bike trip with some men! He was sure excited when his ex girlfriend of ten years was coming to visit! When I tell it him I'm a little miffed about these developments, he tells me I should be happy for him, don't I want him to be happy? It took me quite some time to explain why I may be hurt by these developments, and even then he didn't get it. We had been discussing marriage. He had the same complaints. I had been working with a therapist, making some changes, trying to improve myself, doing well (while he plays) ... I brought up a minor criticism from the past. He was so proud of me one moment and then BAMB! Full on defensive attack mode! He said the cruelest, meanest, most hurtful things. The next night, over three hours of slowly grinding my ego into a pulp. I spent the next day in bed crying, feeling like desperate scum. I didn't see it. He was not as 'studied' about his wardrobe as the other Narcissist I'd dated (but they all love shoes). He puts on a convincing act. He means well. His sense of humor - the worst. His timing - all about him. Intelligent, but not quick at making connections. Always has a justification for avoiding commitment. He said my baby cried too much. He never cried as a baby! Red flag! Luckily I found your web site and my mood has greatly lifted. I can control my mind. I can see him for what he really is. I'm piecing together the puzzle of the past five years. I have renewed faith in me (my friends were getting a little concerned). Thanks Maria, you have pointed me in the right direction. __________ The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research related to these topics in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview. __________ Dear Friend, Thank you for your email. I am glad to hear your positive feedback about my website. Many aspects in your story are very familiar to me. Constant criticism, ignorance, emotional coldness, demands that I should change, that the fault is in me, that he is behaving the way he is because I am the way I am (a "bad" person who does not know how to behave etc, ridiculous accusations like that)... I know all those things all too well.  I am so sorry that you had to go through this kind of a relationship. But I am happy to hear that you are already on the winning side! You have identified the problem (his narcissism) and you are now aware that the problems in your relationship had NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. You are not to blame. The problem is in HIS personality, and unfortunately that means that he is never going to be able to make you happy. It is a huge step on the road to recovery to be aware of these things.
You can now let go of the feelings of quilt and self-doubt. You could not have done anything better or differently. You did the best you can. You bought the house, you tolerated his behavior, you gave him your heart and your love. But because he is a narcissist, he cannot appreciate those things. He does not realize how much you have given him, because his life is all about HIM. He is taking it for granted that you are there for him. You must ask yourself: Do you wish to live the rest of your life with someone who does not appreciate you and your love? I think I know your answer. My answer was the same when I asked that question from myself, and I drew the necessary conclusions. I left, and I have NEVER regret it. If you wish to read about the methods I used to teach my mind to let go of my "addiction" to my narcissistic spouse, visit page Recovery After Narcissism and Cheating.
If you leave him, you will feel pain for a while. But eventually you shall feel SO MUCH BETTER than you have felt during last five years. You shall regain your happiness and your mental balance. If you stay with him, you know how your life will go. All the cards are on the table, there are no question marks. You know exactly what you will get if you stay. If you wish to regain your happiness, the only way for you is out. You wrote: "His sense of humor - the worst. His timing - all about him. Intelligent, but not quick at making connections". My narcissistic ex partner also had the worst sense of humor one can think of. He was also intelligent, but not in a social sense. His skills in the field of social intelligence were in fact amazingly weak. He could not put himself into the other person's position. He had good conversational skills, but those skills were acquired, they did not come naturally. He had learned during his lifetime what to say and when to say it, but he did not have the "in depth" understanding of social interaction. This "flaw" in him was not immediately visible to people around him, one would realize it only after getting to know him better. To the surface he seemed as someone who is very polite, smart, sophisticated etc. But at home he would change into a completely different person. He would scream, shout and get upset about tiny insignificant things. He could not be reasoned with when he was having one of his narcissistic rage attacks.
 It took very long time for me to be able to leave, because I felt the same as you, I felt I loved him so strongly that even tho the life with him was not pleasant, the prospect of life without him seemed even more horrible. So I stayed, far too long, I now realize. But better late than never! Today I can say I do not feel any bitterness towards him. I feel nothing at all. Perhaps pity, because I realize how empty his life must be, not being able to experience true, strong emotions. He can never commit himself to another human being so that he would think he and that person are a compact unit. He can never have that with anyone, because it is all about HIM, always.
It sounds like you are dealing with similar person. I am glad you have realized that your problems with him have nothing to do with you, it is all about his personality. In a way one could say that even HE is not to blame, because it is not his "fault" that he is a narcissist... Narcissism is considered to be a mental disorder, no one "chooses" to be narcissistic. But in the end the only thing that matters is this: Narcissists are making people around them unhappy, especially people who are in a relationship with them. You should not sacrifice your life and your happiness to the altar of his "sickness".
I am glad you wrote to me. Please feel free to do so again anytime in the future, if you feel like it. I would be happy to hear how things are going with you! I wish you are strong enough to leave this person who is causing you such misery, but regardless of what you decide to do with your relationship, I wish to support you and help you every way I can. I am on your side. Please do not hesitate to write.
Warm thoughts,
- Maria If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, click
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