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Dear Maria,

To say I was surprised by your actually responding to my email, would be an understatement!  I'm touched that you did.  Just to repeat:  I'm not sure I even speak and write English as well as you and it's my first and only language!  Either way, your message comes through very well. I think that those of us involved with narcissists NEED to talk about it.   We feel so crazy that we self-isolate, hide what's going on from friends and family, and learn to blame ourselves for all that is wrong.   When we finally realize what's going on, the need to speak about it is overwhelming.  Finally, we have proof that we are not crazy.  I appreciate this opportunity to tell you some of my story.  Though I must insist on anonymity because we are still living in the same house.

In my situation, it seemed as if every time I tried to gain some power back, by trying to become more independent, my husband would push me back down---but always in subtle ways.  For instance, if I was feeling good about something (such as getting my art in a show or gallery), and I would voice that pride or happiness, my husband would say something like "well, it's just a small show",  when what I expected to hear was "yes, good for you."  There was truth to what he said, it WAS a small show;   (I would think, oh, maybe he's right.  Maybe it really is not as big  of an accomplishment as I'd thought.)  I'd go from feeling really good, to feeling really diminished--in a few short words from him.  Or if I wanted to do something on my birthday and it conflicted with something he wanted to do, he would tell me I was selfish.

It was this constant diminishing of all of my efforts (work, home, relationship), and his refusal to ever treat me in a special way,  that helped me to see that there was more going on in my marriage than just simple disagreements.  I just couldn't figure out what it was.  The harder I tried, the further from the truth I seemed to get.  (I've read a list of over ten books trying to figure it out.  Everything from Should I Stay or Go? to How to Read People, to the Dark Side of the Light Chasers and everything in between.  From spiritual, to self-help, to how to be a better person.)

We've been together for 27 years. It was around year 20 that I started to question what was happening to us.  Prior to that, I just assumed it was all my fault.  I know now, that a person with healthy self-esteem would never accept all the blame in any relationship, but I believed he loved me, and I so loved and adored him (a word I used for years when describing my feelings toward him,) that I believed him when he told me it was ALL my fault.  I have lots of faults, not the least of which is being sensitive.  He often blamed all of our problems on that sensitivity.  "You're over-reacting" was a phrase I heard over and over for 27 years.  Even if at first I questioned it, he's a spectacular "arguer."  Often-times he would wear me down with hours of arguing, until I gave in just out of wishing the conversation would end.  Other times, he'd attack my faults, which I knew to be true faults, and in those cases, I'd look inward for what I should have done differently.  I was always willing to accept blame.  Always willing to work on myself.  Always willing to make changes.

In 27 years, he's never admitted to being at fault or to blame for anything.  He once stepped on my toe, and instead of apologizing, he blamed me for having my toe in the wrong place!  I remember at the time being surprised that he couldn't apologize for such a simple thing.  The rest of us apologize for little things like that,  reflexively.  And yet he found it too difficult a thing to do.  Who in their right mind would say that a toe was in the wrong place?  But he did, and he was fine with it.  In all these years, he's never apologized even in those circumstances.  He has flat out told me that we wouldn't have any problems if it weren't for me!

Marriage counseling (at my insistance) was a colossal failure for us.  We tried twice to no avail.  Both counselors (female) fell for his charms in ways that shocked me. The first one, knew one of our main problems was his need to control our money, and still she asked me to do graphics work for her, in front of him. (Which I've since learned is an ethical boundary). The second one, was so charmed that while I cried during one of our sessions, she giggled and tossed a throw pillow toward him!  I gave up.  I gave him the "out" he needed by offering to stop marriage counseling if I could do therapy on my own.  He agreed.

I am financially dependent on him.  I make very little money as an artist, and the odd jobs I've taken over the years have not been enough to support myself.  Essentially, I needed his "approval" to continue with therapy because he had to "authorize" paying for it.  I began counseling with a great therapist who helped me to get stronger.  The stronger I got, the more I fought back.

When he'd try to blame me, deny saying something, or promising something, etc., I began to see our arguments for the nonsensical conversations that they were.  So much so, that I began tape-recording our arguments (both openly, and secretly at different times).  I was beginning to realize that the things he was saying didn't make sense, but I needed the "proof".  Not for anyone else to listen to, but for me to listen to outside the heat of the argument.  By re-listening to those tapes, I started to realize how he would never answer my questions, except with another question, and how he would veer off into other topics, many other topics, and two hours later we were so far removed from the original discussion that it was no wonder I felt crazy!

That's when I bought a book on verbal abuse (by Patricia Evans)  It described all of the different methods verbal abusers use to avoid real conversations.  It helped me to understand, in the moment, what tactics he was using to avoid staying on topic.  And it helped me to argue back.  If he answered a question with a question, I could see it.  If he changed the topic, I could see it.  If he denied saying something I knew he said--and I had on tape---then I could remind myself that he most certainly did say that.  This combined with therapy started me on a path to some recovery.  This is when he decided that unless I let him sit-in on my therapy sessions (to see if they were really "helping or not"), then he would refuse to pay for it any more!  Of course, I refused, and my therapy ended.  That was the beginning of my "re-birth".  But first, I spiraled down into an abyss of anger, depression, sadness, and drinking too much.


It was during this time (October of last year), that he handed me a book.  Sam Vaknin's Malignant Narcissist which he'd heard about on conservative talk radio.  I actually laughed when he handed it to me (in that, "you've got to be kidding?" sort of way).  However, being the self-reflective person that I tend to be, I figured I had nothing to lose by reading it.  As I searched to find myself in it's pages, I began to see my husband emerge.  I read the book voraciously.  Despite underlining almost the entire book, I still couldn't believe my husband was a narcissist.  I saw the term as very pseudo-psycho, and I couldn't separate the term from the information in the book.  So I put it aside.

Just a couple of months later, I was diagnosed with a rare form of lymphoma of the eyelid.  I had to focus on that for the next few months.  It was when my husband asked my oncologist if my "treatment was really necessary?",  and when he couldn't help me wash my hair after my bone marrow biopsy,  and when he argued with me after that very painful biopsy,  in the car, all the way to my pet/ct scans, and when taking me to radiation was too much of a burden for him, that I remembered the book and began to see him for who he really was:  Incapable of any empathy.  Not even when I have cancer!  I went to stay with family during my recovery (just this past May) because I couldn't trust that he would make a meal for me, let alone actually care for me.

It took cancer to make me see.  Ironically, cancer of my eyelid.  I suppose, if you are spiritual, you could say that I was so blinded, that God had to give me cancer of my eye,to make me see clearly again. I insisted on going back to therapy after my radiation treatments.  I wouldn't take no for an answer and I began again, to rebuild my emotional strength.  During that time, my therapist mentioned that my husband sounded like he had NPD!  I mentioned that he'd given me that book some months ago, and she found that very telling---that HE gave ME a book on NPD!--- because, narcissists project, I learned, he saw me as the narcissist!

I began in earnest, trying to understand NPD, when I found a book titled Narcissistic Lovers, by Cynthia Zane.  That book simplified NPD in a more relational way than Vaknin's book did, and helped me to see my marriage for what it was/is.  When the realization hit, I cried for three days straight, day and night.  It was visceral.  My reaction was not just emotional, but physical.  I literally kept feeling as if I might vomit.  I felt punched in the stomach, at the thought that I wasted 27 years of my life loving him, and believing I was loved by him.  That it had all been a lie,  came barreling at me like a boulder in a land-slide.  There was no longer a way to avoid it.  I had to let it hit me and suffer the painful consequences.  More painful than anything I had ever in my life experienced.  For those three days, I actually didn't think I would come out the other side.  I thought I would die of heartache.  Instead, my husband died, and I woke up married to a stranger.  Like someone with amnesia, I could feel nothing for him, because I didn't KNOW him.  I didn't want to know this man.

Since then, I've been taking steps to get healthy, get financially healthy, and speak to a lawyer to protect myself, in an effort to leave.  It may take me a couple of years to get it all together before I can--or I may end up just leaving with my dog and my clothes in a suitcase before then.  (I have very supportive family, but none live in the state I live in.)  I want to protect myself financially, if I can--and be independent.  Not just of him, but of anyone else.  But if I can't, I will accept that as well.  Either way, I am breathing one minute at a time, reading all I can on this subject, and trying to stay as strong as I can. 

The other websites on NPD, such as the support groups, seem very negative in their approach.  The more I read those sites, the more frightened I became.  I had to stop going to them.  That's how I found your website.  Looking for real help in understanding not just what NPD is, but what it does to the victims, in a more positive way.  I don't want to be "scared into leaving".  I want to be helped in leaving.  I don't want to hate him.  I want to love myself.

As I said, I will keep going back to read your material as I work toward leaving.  I have many many stories I could tell, and if you're interested,  or if you have any questions, just let me know.  In the meantime, I hope this helps you with your research.  Thank you for caring enough to do it.  The victims of NPD live in a secret world.  We need all the help we can get to inform the world how devastating this disorder can be.  And to help us survive it.

__________

The goal of this website is to give support to people who are facing problems in their relationship related to cheating, abuse and narcissism. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world. If you wish to read more about me, please visit page Site Overview.

__________

 

Dear Visitor, you can read the developments in this writer's situation from the "comments" section at the end of this page (messages of "freebird"). Her story is a wonderful example of human courage! Only very few of us have the courage to do what she did. Let us give her our congratulations and our support!

 

Dear Friend,

Thank you for your letter and your positive feedback regarding my website. I am so sorry to hear that you have been in such a devastating relationship for such a long time. My Friend, it is never too late to get our from a negative relationship. Your story will help and encourage others to free themselves sooner. Thank you again so much for submitting your story! To read more about how you can help your mind to recover, visit page Training the Brain.

Based on your letter, it seems clear that you are dealing with a man who has strong narcissistic tendencies. You wrote your husband argued with you in a car after your painful biopsy. That is incredibly insensitive and cruel behavior. Having said this, I can understand so well why you have stayed with your husband all these years. You have been in love, and you have followed your heart, even though you have known there is something wrong with your marriage.

Please do not blame yourself for staying with your narcissistic husband this long. There are so many people out there who have stayed in a negative relationship much longer than you. Many of those people do not have the strength to leave, even though they know the relationship is having a negative effect on their lives. I am so glad to hear that you have started to read about this topic and that you now understand so much better what you are dealing with. Understanding the true nature of the problem is the key to liberation, that is one of the basic principles in psychotherapy, and you have now taken the first step towards the freedom. I recommend you to visit the page Recovery After Narcissism and Cheating to read about the methods I used to "teach" my mind to let go of my "addiction" to my narcissistic partner, I hope you find the same methods helpful. I also warmly recommend you to read this article of Regaining the Mental Balance and Happiness.

You wrote that you are financially dependent on your husband. I understand your situation so well. It is very difficult to leave when you do not know what the future holds. There is no simple answer as to what you should do in this situation. However, we can list the pluses and minuses:

Pluses (if you stay with your narcissistic husband):

- Your husband is offering you financial security

- You will feel very sad for some time if you leave your husband (at list this is what I would imagine, even thought your letter implies you would want to leave him if it was not for the financial dependency). You can avoid this sadness and uncertainty of the future if you stay with your husband, even thought you will never be completely happy with him

Minuses:

- You cannot rely on your narcissistic husband being there for you if you need him, you cannot ever fully trust him

- Your husband is making you feel depressed, anxious and sad on regular basis. This is slowly turning you into a mere shadow of a person you used to be, into a sad lonely soul who can no longer enjoy life. Dear Friend, I am not saying this in order to "scare" you, I am saying this because it is a fact and it is good that you are aware of it: it helps you to deal with the future, whatever it might hold.

I do not know the fine details of your life with your husband, you must complete the above lists on your own. Once you have done that, please look at the list (this is the same procedure I did when I was fighting my own battle, trying to break free from a person who had strong narcissistic tendencies, finally succeeding). Then make your decision. Life without your husband is unpredictable, a journey to the unknown, but if you stay with him, you know exactly what you will get; all the cards are at the table, there are no question marks. Your husband has been like this for 27 years, it is unlikely that he would suddenly change into a caring, empathetic person who is taking your feelings into account. In a way this is not his "fault", it is simply the way his personality is. Your narcissistic husband is not an "evil" person, he is simply very different from you, and the fact is that this difference is making you feel depressed and unhappy. If you stay with your husband you know exactly how your life will go, until the end. The choice is yours. Based on your letter it sounds as if you have already made that choice. I am so happy to hear that, because I know your choice is the right one.

Dear Friend, please do not understand me in a wrong way: I am not blaming you or saying you are weak even if you would decide to stay with your husband. Many women and men decide to stay in a negative relationship, for various reasons. Some stay due to financial reasons, some because they cannot stand the painful withdrawal symptoms one gets when one is trying to leave one's spouse. It is a hard, rocky path to freedom and peace. If you are not strong enough to travel down that path today or in near future (or even for the rest of your life), please do not blame yourself, you are only a human, as are we all.

Even if you stay with your husband for the rest of your life, your life is still a unique, precious thing. There is no one like you on this planet. Look into a mirror and feel happy about who and what you are. You say you are involved with arts: that is a tremendous asset. You have a channel to express your emotions, to express who you are and enjoy while you are doing it. Nothing can take that away from you. You have also done something else that is extremely valuable: you have written down your story and submitted it to this website so that others can read it and learn from it. Please let me thank you one more time for sending your story. You describe so well how it is like to live with a narcissistic person. Your story will help others to find the strength to leave their narcissistic partner and to start the process of recovery!

Even though I said you should not blame yourself if you stay in your relationship, I am wishing you will find some way to leave this person, who is clearly making you feel depressed and unhappy. I know it is very difficult to leave in your situation, but please remember that nothing is certain in this life, even if you choose to stay. You wrote: "I do not want to hate him. I want to love myself". That is exactly the right kind of approach! This is not about him, this is all about YOU and your life. Your narcissistic husband is making you feel unhappy. You have given him 27 years to prove himself to be worthy of you, and it does not seem he has done that. You have now done all you can, now it is your time to leave and live your own life.

Dear Friend, if you decide to leave, please feel free to write to me anytime you want, I am here for you and I will support you any way I can. If you decide to stay with your husband, please write back to me and tell me how you are doing. No matter what you decide, I am on your side. Never hesitate to write!

We all wish to have some meaning to our life. I am so happy that I have been able to help others who are suffering in an abusive relationship with a narcissistic person. Dear Reader, you can help yourself and others who are in similar situation by sending your story to this website (you find the instructions below), and you can receive comments and feedback from me and other readers. Please feel free to send your story and help yourself and others to heal.

This life is too beautiful to be wasted in suffering with a narcissistic partner. Let us help each other to break free and to recover!

Warm thoughts,

- Maria

Ps. Read the developments to this story from the "comments" section below.

If you wish to submit your own story and get feedback and support for your situation or if you wish to contact me for any other reason, send me email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Comments (53)
  • anonymous  - been there
    I was married to one and have a sibling who is one. With the sibling, i believe they have histrionic and narcissistic disorder. They spent years and perhaps decades scheming and planning to destroy some element of my life and I believe it's so I have no choice but to return to them for support. My sibling I can definitely see narcissism and histrionic behavior. The husband was either narcissistic or had enough characteristics of one to be borderline. But im glad I'm glad I'm not alone and there are names for such odd and abusive behavior! I knew I wasn't crazy but my husband tried some gaslighting techniques. Didnt work. Im organized so I knew where I put things. And what else helped is because he never stood for me or beside me, had my back, I didn't trust him. It was to my advantage. He did lower my self esteem but once i realized it was him and not me, i gained it back to a degree in very small doses. I did date while married because I got positive attention. I had a healthy and loving relationship with this man. He thought I was attractive, smart, funny, liked my independent spirit and he'd even compliment how smooth he thought my skin was. I could see how approval in his eyes, hear it in his tone. We laughed together, we like history, reading, like outdoors and he wsd available when I needed a friend. He was my friend. The complete opposite of my husband. My husband worked just as hard to undermine my accomplishments or goals to obtain them just as hard as I worked for them. If I did something that won approval from the outside he took credit for it. If he did something that ruined something, it wsd put on me. So, one day while watching a criminal profile program, narcissism was describe d and there was the answer! It clicked. The damage has costed tremendously but there is a name for this bizarre and selfish behavior. There are many folks out there. But this helped me to reduce my anger towards him. He'd throw our kids under the bus or put them in the middle and that would make me angry. But its how he was and we're left picking up the hidden and costly prices. Narcissism is almost a gifted talent. They live well, keep jobs (depending on which form of narcissism) yet leave their victims in such an apocalyptic aftermath. Looking back, I dont know how I got through it. But I did as we all have.
  • Anonymous
    So glad I found this site. I am also in this situation and have got to the point that I can't bare to look at him but am stuck here due to his blackmailing. He uses our little girl as a weapon and threatens to tell lies about me so I never see her. IM terrified of what he's capable pg. noone will speak against him yet they all slag him off and say how much they hate him. But if confronted about what they have said they deny it, do I am a liar. He picks on my son constantly. It's like he takes it in turns, he either pi,la on him or me....we are always wrong and nothing is ever his fault....then,he says I blame everyone else. Like how, I just sit and listen to him going on sometimes for hours on justifying his argument and when I do eventually snap he sits there and says look at you your mental! I have tried ringing the police but he had spent his life talking his way out if things in cells so when they came round he turned on the charm and turned it round on me...how he did that I don't know as he had caned my son¡ I just don't know what to do, he puts me down for everything and my son. I am not allowed to speak to anyone what so ever so don't have a friend in the world and no one to talk to. If it wasn't for our daughter I would have walked years ago. But the fear of losing her makes me stay. I have tried the silent treatment but then he just picks on my son knowing eventually he will get a reaction I am at my,wits end. I only thought these kind of people were in the movies . I just can't believe that I have let myself get into this situation. He has stolen my soul and my personality and I want it back...
  • Bev  - So confused.....
    I am in the process of divorcing my husband, so far it has taken 2 years. I have been married for 26 years and after repeated affairs and narcissitic behaviour over the years have had enough. He refuses to accept divorce and can't understand why I want to live without him ( I moved out 6 months ago into rented accommodation).What I can't understand is why after all this time is he still texting, emailing and coming into my workplace pleading with me to come back to him, he is offering me holidays, cars you name it, he really seems desperate, even his mother keeps trying to call me. Part of me thinks does he really love me or is he just worried about what he has got to lose? He also uses emotional blackmail with my 2 children who are at University now. It is very hard, he makes me feel so sorry for him all the time. Sometimes I feel I can't fight him any more, any answers??? :(
  • august2011  - Thanks
    I read all of the personal sufferings of all these warm, loving and dedicated woman. It is reassuring to view my own experience as nothing strange.
    The letters also enlightens me to look at myself and see the strength in me which was forever stepped on by my husband (his affair). Thank you and the many victims of infidelity, I begin to see the light at the end of
    the tunnel. Without all these and you, dear Maria, I am unable to go through my days and stay alive. I shall write my husbands affair to ask for all of you to comment and perhaps inspire me and give me strength. Thank you all.
    August
  • Anonymous
    Oh sweetpea. I'm so sorry. We lived the same life. I am living on my own now. It's hard. But I wouldn't trade it for the nonsense that made me crazy. Ir's scarey. But I'm free. I appreciate what you wrote. It helps me decide to live. Thank you. freebird.
  • Sue
    Spot on about the therapy. My husband did go to a man. He went twice then wouldn't go again. Cured! He told me the therapist told him he was fine, it was all my fault for being too tolerant.
    I've trained as a psychotherapist and know full well a qualified therapist would never have said that! In fact I'd taken time out not feeling I was in the right place to practice. My husband told the therapist I was working but I was not in my right mind! Husband said therapist said he'd report me!
    He'd used two sessions to turn it in on me and I think, thus proving he is narcissitic.
    It actually helped rather than distress me. People with NPD put a lot of effort into creating doubt and getting others to question themselves. My husband left me in no doubt after his report on his therapy.
    The therapist did teach him EFT, tapping, to help my husband contol his feelings 'when I was irritating'. What my husband then did was just drum his fingers ever time I went to speak. With my training, I knew that wasn't EFT!
    The one thing I wish for anyone out there with an NPD partner is that you keep safe.
  • Sue  - No escape unless you escape
    :0
    It's come down to avoiding interactions with my husband. I tried making things as simple and practical as possible. It ends up that he even uses that against me. He feigned trying to make amends, asked what could he do. I said I'd accept him not talking over me and jumping down my throat by pre emoting what I had said by making something up, then telling me I was wrong even though it was his ending. After I asked him to get the interrupting under control, he went into overdrve, doing it more than ever! I then said if he persisted, I'd be civil but talk to him as little as possible. He didn't believe I meant it. A week ago, I carried my ultimatum out.
    Today, I asked him was the soup I'd made ok. I used 4 words. He went off the deep end, yelling at me, told me what I'd said was nasty. He then stamped out. He'd set up the row to go out and text a female colleague who is over 30 years his junior, same age as our daughter. He'd been desperate to cause a fight so he could make out I was the bad guy to excuse him chasing yet another woman.
    I'm stuck here financially. He's beyond help, I don't love him anymore. In fact he now disgusts me.
    However, each time I distance myself, he panics. He pretends to be 'nice' to me. I wish he go out one day and never come back.
  • nereida  - I feel the same way
    Ive felt the same way. He was always angry at me, and now I have had enough. I'm done , ive thrown in the twoel, Iv filed for divorce !!I haven't talked or seen him. I dont even know if he is alive ? Sometimes I wonder , but quickly get over it. :idea:
  • KAT  - Hi Julie
    I see this message was sent a year ago. I am so sorry for your trauma and you are right is bad. I am just divorcing my Narc after over 38 years and was served the D Papers just a few days ago. Well he is just like he has always been...Is still hard as this is all I have known for all these years...Am hoping that you are happy and your life is going good....
  • Sue
    Your message shows its never too late to get away. All credit to you for taking the step and breaking free.
    I'm at the point where I'd rather be living on a basic income rather than stay.
  • Anne  - Reply
    Hi julie

    I know it is hard. I am still with my husband but the lies people are saying about him cheating are getting to me. He cryed as well and said its not true and he love me. I still dont know what to do.
  • Jessica  - Is my husband a narcissist?
    I don't want to finalize that my husband is an n unless he is. But some of his characteristics point in that direction. When I met him I was going to school and going through the end of my first marriage. My n sought me out talked to me a lot and was very charming. Convinced me my ex husband didn't really love me anyway and that I was not in a" real marriage" what ever that meant. He made me feel so special put me on the highest pedastel made me believe we were meant to be together. He convinced me he was going to be very successful someday (as he did many others) he spoke of his dream of owning a gym and was very boastful of himself ( I took it as confidence). One day he acted all distraught and said to me "I'm just afraid you don't love me" so I told him I did. He said he loved me too. It was a good night. A few months later he looses his job and tells me he is going to just live in his truck. Me being stupid told him to move into my house! He did and lived off me a struggling single mom. I eventually got sick of it and told him to leave. He charmed his way back in. Anyway long story short five years together I lost my home we moved to an apartment I had had his son by then. The whole time he worked a little bit here and there sometimes full time mostly not. He spent most of his days "running errands" while he pawned the kids off to a sitter. I tried to leave him many times even started cheating on him. Big mistake I became ugly and had to make it up to him. For whatever reason I stayed but I became very self destructive with alcohol. Finally after the fifth year after he cOnvinced some poor souls to give him money as an investment in his "gym" he convinced me to move to georgia with him. I forgot to mention (cause I am feeling more and more stupid) he has a drug felony and he was banished from Georgia. So he got his banishment dropped and he moved me and three kids to Georgia. After a lot of convincing me that he will take care of the family financially even if he has to work three jobs. Everything will be great. He moved a month before I did I had to finish my sixty hour a week job. When we pulled into his sisters driveway there was a motorcycle sitting in the driveway. I said " who's is that" he said with a smile "mine". He had gotten a woman who also invested in his "gym" to help him buy it. Two months before we moved he had been hiding it and riding it while I was at work. Now is when the charm stopped dead. Suddenly I could leave him if I wanted to. And he stopped treating me so special. Until another man was interested in me. Then he loved and hugged on me every chance he got especially if this other guy was around. I eventually ended up having an Internet relationship with this other man even though we worked together as well and my husband went to every measure to find out what was going on. I felt very bad and apologized. He confronted the guy and he apologized but said he would not stop being my friend. They worked it out and are good friends to this day but I am still paying for it. I had to make it up to him so I married him finally after years of saying no. Pregnant with his second child he worked at being better to me while I was pregnant with her than he was while I was prego with the first. Then she was born and back to being a jerk. Left me at home a week after she was born to go to a party cause I didn't want to go. He spends money how he wants to we are poor and when I get mad he tells me " I wouldn't deny you anything". I am depressed cause he doesn't treat me like he use to he says its because he doesn't lOve me like he use too before the Internet relationshiP I had. Yet he has since had a very inaproPriate relatiOnship with our teenage babysitter. Teenage girls talk to him and confide in him like crazy. I found one message where the girl told him she loved him and he said love you too I hope I get one of those awesome hugs tomorrow. I don't get it. She is my sons ex and we go to church with her. He always gets mad when I questiOn stuff like that and says it's innocent. He is always making promises he can't keep and will often twist what he said in a promise to mean something else. He eventually got his gym through a friend and at first it was his and none of my business. Now it's failed and he has us in financial ruin and he wants us to be partners. I say why would I help bail you out you won't even make anything up to me for the way I have been treated over the years. He says he is sorry buy to stressed out. I kicked him out the other night when he lied to me and when I asked him for the truth he told me I was pushing him away. Yes I have called him a loser and have cheated on him. I am guilty have repented and am very active in the church don't drink and I am constantly trying to be a good wife. He will tell me I am a great woman and tell others I am (that seems to be different than other ns I have read about) he even takes blame for our marriage going bad but in an argument I still pay for anything I have ever done in the past. Anyway I just want someones opinion. As I reflect over my life with him it does not seem like normal relationship differences. And does the fact that he says it is his fault and I deserve better mean I am wrong about the n thing? He takes pride in the fact that he can hide things better than me ie lies, he is so secretive and I never know where he is. He jokes that he thinks he is so great he hears voices in his head cheering. Oh yes and when he finally converted to my religion he wanted to start getting certain authorities quicker than the norm and felt left out when me and my kids were announced in front of the whole congregation about our church callings. He ie very cold to me unless I am being super sweet but as soon as I have an issue he is cold and mean. He says it's stress I just don't know!!!
    I
  • DJ  - I'm sure my husband is a narcissist...
    Jessica, you and I are very similar. I have a husband who has done all the things your has. He spends money on things then hides them. I am so over all of it. He has also had multiple affairs. He even got to the point of lying to my kids to get money through them in order to hide it from me. He would just tell them that it was a gift for mom...23 years of this! I am pretty sure I am done.
  • anon  - ps
    I also recognize the accusations of being too sensitive, of refusing to stay with a conversational topic - deviation by answering a question with a question and your experiences of female therapists.For some reason they seem unable to see through the narcissist's charm - maybe this is linked to the first stage of a narcissistic relationship - they too fall for the superficial charm. Interesting that my narcissist will never see a male therapist... I have read that narcissists rarely stay the long course of therapy, as soon as their real self is observed, they find an excuse to remove themselves by finding fault with the therapist. Perhaps echoing the second stage of the relationship? Just speculation...

    You are not alone - your message strike many chords, as I have said in my previous post.

    Good luck!
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